Grace.
I am doing better now.
God answers prayers through
people in my life who care enough
to call and speak with me, even
when I'm feeling blue.

Thanks mom, Michial, and Jamie.
And thanks for the Christmas cards
Jenny, Maralee, and others.
It remains to be seen if I will send any.

Merry Christmas to everyone! It's only
a few days away! Happy, happy thoughts.

messy

Now that I've had a few days without school,
I'm having an identity crisis.

urrrrrrggggg!

Seriously, I've been so mad at everything lately
and the whole world seems like a giant letdown.

This is so depressive, forgive me. Why is nothing
ever as it seems? Why does it hurt to breathe?
Where is that person I once dreamed I would be?

God, where are you when I am so stuck inside of me?
Please, please, can you lend me a hand? I need to
get far far away from the patheticness that is myself
tonight. Why am I posting when I'm like this? Some
strange desire to balance out the moods of my posts,
like the whole world deserves to know the deep down,
disturbed me, as well as the "everything is great" me?
Lis, why don't you just keep the blues to yourself?

I dunno. Maybe I feel like honesty is more important
than pride. Maybe I'm so confused sometimes I just
need to cry out for help to no one in particular because
no one in particular is not a real person and I don't
want anyone in particular to know how pathetic I can
be. But deep down, I want everyone to know...and to
love me anyway.

Tonight there was a recital and this kid I teach piano
played this amazing song he wrote. It was the highlight
of my day, without a doubt. It's not just that he's
talented...he also has that fire of music inside of him
that just begs to be seen and appreciated. That rocks.

And I learned that one of my favorite little girls will
not be coming back next semester due to some
time constraints due to needing physical therapy for
a newly discovered problem that she has. I will miss
her. She always came into her lesson talking about
something random that happened at school or home,
totally unaware of herself and consumed by her
childish emotions all at the same time. She sparkles
with originality, even if rhythm is not her forte. Oh,
I will miss her.

So many beautiful people. If only I could go around and
show people what I see when I look at them. Maybe
then people would understand why I go around with that
far off look on my face sometimes and why I fall in love
so easily. Everyone I see posesses power and beauty.

And I...I wish I had someone to shine that back at me.
I wish I could really believe that about myself. Some
days I almost think I do...
God, just tell me that I'm yours, and that you're not done
with me yet. I need your kind of acceptance and love
tonight. I am pathetically yours. You are my gracious
Savior, who brings salvation, whose purposes NEVER fail.

Isaiah 46:8-13
Remember this, fix it in mind,
take it to heart, you rebels.
Remember the former things, those
of long ago;
I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is none like me.
I make known the end from the beginning,
from ancient times, what is still to come.
I say: My purpose will stand,
and I will do all that I please.
From the east I summon a bird of prey;
from a far-off land, a man to fulfill
my purpose.
What I have said, that will I bring about;
what I have planned, that will I do.
Listen to me, you stubborn-hearted,
you who are far from righteousness.
I am bringing my righteousness near,
it is not far away;
and my salvation will not be delayed.
I will grant salvation to Zion,
my splendor to Israel.

Lord, I am one without righteousness.
Bring your righteousness to me, please!
I need you so much I can't stand it.
I am the stubborn-hearted one.
I am listening. This stabbing pain has
got my attention, and I am listening!
Help me, please. Bring your salvation
to me and lead me to your rest this
Christmas time. I am a mess.

So, I don't need to panic about anything tonight?
You mean, I can breathe in and out and release
all of that building tension into the air to float
away from me? Are you serious? Oh, that is
good to hear.

The finals are over. First semester of Graduate
school, first big step towards becoming a
board certified music therapist, check!

Everything got done, amazingly, and there
were only a handful of days that the stress
level was quite significant...so I say "Thank
you Lord for helping me through." I had just
one really bad day when I was tired AND
cranky, and there were a lot of near break
down moments. But that was yesterday, and
today is today. I'm DONE!!

I think the three things I am most proud of
having accomplished this semester are:

--Learning how to write clinical goals and
objectives for music therapy sessions.
--Writing ALL those papers, especially for
that SPED class! (Seriously, a LOT of writing)
--Making that visual aid with accompanying
song to be used with children with autism
(I am not generally a crafty type of person,
so I was scared of this assignment, but
clip art saved the day, as well as Digital
Performer Quickscribe notation).

I hope you all are finding moments to relax.
I am going to seek those out over the next
two weeks, and then....I'm going to Israel.
Yep, that's right. Dad is gonna show me,
Mae, aunt and uncle, and one of his friends
all around that country, so rich with history.
I am SO SO SO SO excited! I just can't wait
to see all these new faces and new places
that are farther away from what is normal
to me than anything I've ever experienced.
I want to see what it's like to be in a
totally different part of the world. What
an adventure! I have the best Dad EVER.

Life is good.
Know why?

Here's why:
I don't have to do anything to earn God's love
and acceptance of me. I couldn't even come
close if I tried and tried.
So, all I have to do is accept that love and say
"Wow, I don't understand why this is offered
so freely to me, but I accept it - of course,
of course I accept it!"

Just like the children of Israel in the book of
Joshua when they entered the land God had
promised them, and ate from fields they
did not plant and lived in houses they did
not build. They didn't have much to do with
being born and Israelite or the miracles such
as parting the Red Sea, or recieving bread
from heaven. Their job was simply to accept
it, and to fear the Lord and serve Him only.

Lord, help us to accept your amazing,
incomprehensible gift of love to us, even
when we feel so unworthy and we don't
understand the context or how we came
to be offered such a gift. Help us to open
wide our mouths and let you fill them, like
a baby bird does with it's mother.

Help us in our hearts to love you first and
to accept your love for us and your son's
death as payment for all of our failures.

Serve the Lord with fear. He is great and he
is love. This is the love that never fails, that
waits always with open arms. Believe it. Act
on it. This is my Christmas charge to myself
and to anyone reading.

Hey guys. I'm really happy.

Last night I dropped in on the 20s30s Christmas
Party for a bit to break up my homework sessions,
and I just have to say, the carol sing time was so
hilarious it was borderline offensive. I mean, not
really - I think God has a sense of humor so I
doubt he was really offended....but man, O Holy
Night will never be the same to me.

I don't know what happened exactly, but somehow
we managed to pick THE MOST AWKWARD key that
that song has EVER been sung in IN THE HISTORY
OF TIME. And on top of that, some people were
trying to go up really high on the end of the refrain.
I don't know if they were just goofing off or what,
but MAN! We hardly made it through, it was that
bad. Believe it.

I really needed the comic relief, though. It's that
time of the semester where you just dive in and
hope the world will still be standing by the time
it's all over with. But really, it's not too bad. I just
gotta keep on top of things.

Oh, and about that being happy comment. Well,
basically, God is just very very amazing. You see,
he forgives me when I struggle with sin and lose,
he accepts my prayers, he is gracious and loving
as well as just and all-powerful, and he gives such
good gifts. For example, talking with Naomi till
2:30 am Friday night. Talking with Jamie, and just
about everything having to do with Jamie. What
an amazing guy who has shown me so much care.

And on top of that, today I called my new internet
provider to report what I believed to be an error on
my first bill, and they ended up correcting the
mistake, and another one I didn't even see coming!
Basically, one phone call saved me 100+ dollars!
Go Sunflower Broadband!

Alright, there's my happy post. Back to homework.

Here are the highlights of my Thanksgiving break at home:

--Meeting my beautiful new niece, Brianna! She is the
most precious baby in all the world to me. So sweet.

--A funny conversation with Michial while driving I-29
as he cooked a turkey and made candy.

--Running around and playing in the backyard with
my nieces and nephew.

--Late night conversation and Mark-inspired games
that turned into insightful sharing time.

--Much needed time with Renee, talking, eating food
from Amigos, and sharing some songs at her house.

--Just getting to talk and spend time with Cristy,
Mark, Mae, Mark J., Mary, Abigail, Crystal, Luke,
Mom and Dad. With some of them it was great
talks, with others, it was just those little moments
together that didn't need words (Dad hugs, playing
cars with Luke, etc.)

--A short but wonderful chat with Jamie to interrupt his folding
of church buletins late into the night. :-)

--Getting to help decorate the James family Christmas
tree.

Wow, I'm tired. I drove home last night so I could do some
homework. I almost felt like I was getting sick today, but
I didn't, thank you Lord. I went shopping this afternoon and
got new jeans! Isn't my life so exciting? OK, back to work.

I have to say folks, God is the source of all strength and all
love. He is the reason I can rest in peace. Rest in Him today
and bring Him into the circumstances and worries of your
life. As my niece Mary reminded me, the powers of this world
are nothing compared to His Name!

Seriously, whoever was praying for me to
have a great birthday, thanks.

My dear friend Naomi and I ended up going
out to a restaurant I'd never been to before
and it's my new favorite. Amazing Greek food.

We had loads of unexpected fun afterwards
too. We ended up running into some guys
from Bible study at the Jazzhaus unexpectedly
and it was just really fun to hang out and be
young and single. That gal is such a great
friend, I tell ya what.

If it seems like I have been a bit unavailable
lately, that's due to the National Music Therapy
Conference that was held this weekend in KC.
Wow, what an enlightening experience that
was. I learned lots about my profession of
choice.

I'm so happy that in just a few days I will travel
home to Lincoln and will get to meet my new
niece, Brianna! I can hardly wait.

Oh, and I might be getting a cell phone soon.
Stay tuned.

When did you fall in love with me
Was it out of the blue
'Cause I swear I never knew it
When did you let your heart run free
Have you been waiting long
When did you fall in love with me?

--Chris Rice

So when did I fall in love?
Just today I think.
Well, most every day perhaps.

But today I am happy in a way I've never
been before. It's registering deeper down
then it has in the past. Does that make it
more real? Does that mean I've deepened
as a person? I don't know for sure, but
that's what it seems to me.

Dear Lord, thank you. Just thank you.
You know, I told you again today that if
you would have me serve you alone, I
could accept that, if it was from you and
not just of my own doing. I don't want to
be alone, but if it is where you put me, I
can accept it. But right now, you have
allowed me a hope that my heart is still
dying to understand. So be it. Jesus, "I'll
take anything, anything genuine."

Anything genuine.

Future, mock on. Today, my last of year
23, I am defiant. Life IS beautiful. There
are things that matter, there are things that
matter less. "There is always hope" (quote
from LOTR "The Two Towers").

OK, I have to say it, Jamie, you are the greatest.
Thank you for everything.

Just want to say that if you've had one
of those down days lately, you're in
good company, or at least my company.
:-)

Who knows what to make of all those
crazy wacked out things called feelings!

Guess it was just a crash moment in the
midst of all the "almost nearing the end
of the semester" stress.

But today was grand. I mean, I got some
good work done, had a great talk with
a friend or two and just felt generally
better than yesterday.

I'm doing good. God is oh so patient with
me and I know he hears me when I cry out
in desperate confusion of all the downer
emotions that sometimes surge through
me like they've got nowhere else to go in
all the world. Why gang up on poor little
me, why? I should be used to it by
now, right? Well, it doesn't freak me out
as much as it used to anyways. In the midst
of it I now know that it will pass, no matter
how urgent it feels, and the world will keep
turning.

How are you?

Seriously, what do you think about that concept
of love as an act of the will?

My head is kind of spinning right now 'cause I
just had a conversation with someone who
majorly challenged this concept to me.

Ah, well, the truth must come out eventually.
What is this crazy thing called love?

Dear Lord, once again I see, I am flawed. How
I wish I had the perfect heart at all times. Dear
Jesus, please help me! I want to understand the
Truth, even if it's unpleasant.

What say you about this thought?

Love is AS MUCH an act of the will as it is
anything else.

Fascinating concept, is it not? This was
spoken by Dr. Ravi Z. and I think I am
just beginning to understand how true
this is. As unromantic as it sounds at
first, I think it is the only true basis for
any kind of lasting love, romantic love
included. Love is not a feeling.

Some days I seem to be able to deal with
this concept better than others, but I think
I'm slowly getting better at it. I don't want
to go overboard and start living like a
robot (though I really don't think there's
much chance of my doing that), but I do
want to balance all my emotionalism out
with a more mature understanding of what
true love means. Sometimes, actually a lot
of times, love hurts, isn't pleasant, causes
pain and discomfort. Just look at the life
of Jesus, Paul, etc. But THIS IS love - that
a man would lay down his life for his friend.
That is what love looks like - not two people
gazing into each other's eyes, feeding off of
the chemicals that are produced in their
brains while being near each other when
their relationship is new and wonderful.

Alright, there's my rant. Here's to coming
to God, even when we don't feel like it, and
doing things like praying and reading the
Bible, for these are our tangible expressions
of love to him that we must die to ourselves
and do, daily.

Lord I come to you, without the feelings for
doing so, but still believing in you and
believing that the feelings will come back.
Give me the strength to continue on in my
journey towards knowing and loving you.
Amen.

Today during a music therapy session with
troubled teens, our group leader (I am currently
just a helper) played a Tom Petty song. It
was something about chasing down a dream
that wouldn't find you on its own. I liked it.
One of the kids was a big Tom Petty fan so
it really hit home with him. He recommended
I listen to more of Tom when we were talking.

Lately I'm really excited about Music Therapy.
I kind of go back and forth with my thoughts
on its real value, but lately I've seen a LOT of
important, practical, valuable uses for it in my
classes and from speakers and such.

I conducted my own personal music therapy
session alone in my apartment this morning
after my morning class. I was feeling out of
sorts, and it's not like I made a real conscious
decision to do this, but I sat at the keyboard
and, after a lot of trial and error, a song came.

This form of self therapy has a good deal to
do with the music and letting the sounds calm
me, but it also has a great deal to do with the
process of forming a lyric. Sometimes I don't
even know exactly what it is I'm feeling, but
when I guide myself into creating a lyric to
go along with the mood music I'm creating, it
helps me to see what's going on inside of me.

Here's the lyric (you'll have to imagine the sound):

"I need something to say
I need someone to hold"
He said it under his breath
before the thought could unfold

And when I looked in his eyes
I couldn't bring myself to feel
It was too deep of a wound
The wind blew the leaves

So we pretended to smile
and we pretended to leave
And we pretended that none of it
meant anything

And when he walks on the sidewalk or street
The pavement doesn't feel a thing
And when the leaves fall down from the trees
The trees don't even feel a thing

So pour it over my skin,
Pour it into my soul
Pour it over my head
Then let the anchor take hold

Weigh me down with your love
God of mercy and peace
Spirit, descend like a dove
over me

I need something to say
I need someone to hold
Don't give your love for a day
Let the anchor take hold


I find myself getting more and more
vague in my subject matter lately.
It's like, there are these underlying
emotions that have been brewing
and changing all week, and when I
sat down on a Friday to try and form
a consice thought, many different
feeling fragments from the week
resurfaced and crammed to get into
one song, and I tried to make it a singular
thought, but really, it's a tangle of thoughts
and feelings, which is a good description
of my mental state lately, mixed with a
healthy dose of prayer and stablility though,
thankfully.

Well, it's a good starting point anyways.
God, I really do need you as my anchor.
As the Lori Chaffer (awesome songwriter
whose CD was recently burned for me -
I love it!) song goes, "Please don't let go
of me." Sometimes that's the best prayer
I can pray.

It is my hope and prayer that you are
holding on to God today and also finding
peace in the assurance that even when we
aren't strong enough to hold onto him, he
is strong enough to keep holding onto us
when we lose our grasp. His grasp is what
really counts. That sounds a bit Calvinistic,
and I don't know about all that, but I think
it is true. He saves us. We can't save
ourselves. He draws us with compassion
and grace and a love that is like a solid
anchor. If we recognize what he has done
for us, and how deep his love goes, how
could we ever escape him? Such a love
would haunt me forever if I ever tried to
run away from it.

Here's to that kind of a haunted house and
Halloween. Haunted by the immense love
of the God who created the universe and
sent his Son to save our lost race.

My most recent poetical meandering of
average quality.

From my journal to you:

I wanna go out shinning
in a blaze of Glory
All the cynical pessimists
won't know what to say
All the unfounded optimists
will have to look away

No one seems to love
in the same way I do
Look down from above or
from below, you'll misconstrue

Fall away
All these false illusions must fall away,
All my wrong conclusions will fall away,
Everything that is true has to stay,
Everything true will rise

It's a rainy Tuesday and all is well.

My sister Maralee is lovely and is all
set to adopt TWO boys from Africa.
Yes, it's finally happening. Praise God.

Breakthrough!

I've had a revelation folks, so listen up.
Tell me what you think of this, but it
seems that after my nap this afternoon
and after the experiences of this past
week...actually, this past year, God has
brought me to a new understanding.

Have I set you up for the impact of this
new idea enough? Ok, here it is...

We try to suck too much out of one
person. That's the problem. The
single and waiting person's motto
should be:

VARY IT UP!

Don't get stuck on one person or one
thought before you really know if this
one is meant to last or just to shed
further light on something.

Now, somebody tell me if I'm just going
off the deep end here, ok? I mean, I
don't want to just go crazy with this
philosophy and not take relationships
seriously, it's just that I think the
tendency to get burned in relationships
comes from relying too much on a dream
before you even know if it is at ALL based
in the kind of reality you could build your
life on.

I think everyone just needs to get out there
and meet lots of people and treat them as
a potential friend before getting lost in
treating them as a potential mate. That is,
unless God is leading you in that direction,
etc. I want monogomy to be the end goal
of all this, but until that situation presents
itself, if ever, I aim to keep my options
open and look at the paths that lie open
before me as objectively as possible, with
lots of input from lots of people who I know
care about me.

I want friends. Men, women, people I'm
related to, etc. I want lots of different
people in the body of Christ surrounding
my life in different ways, helping me to
be the light I was meant to be for Christ
to the world. Thank you God for good
friends. I have so many good friends with
whom I can talk and lean on, and they
lean on me as well. This is so BEAUTIFUL!
I want more of that....I just have to finish
all this STINKING homework first. grr.

Alright, thanks for reading.

I close with an incredible passage from Willard's
"Renovation of the Heart":

"..it is who we are in our thoughts, feelings,
dispositions, and choices - in the inner life -
that counts. Profound transformation there
is the only thing that can definitively conquer
outward evil.

It is very hard to keep this straight. Failure to
do so is a primary cause of failure to grow
spiritually. Love, we hear, is patient and kind.
Then we mistakenly try to be loving by acting
patiently and kindly - and quickly fail. We
should always do the best we can in action, of
course; but little progress is to be made in that
arena until we advance in love itself - the
genuine inner readiness and longing to secure
the good of others...

It is love itself - not loving behavior, or even
the wish or intent to love - that has the power
to "always protect, always trust, always hope,
put up with anything, and never quit" (1
Corinthians 13:7-8). Merely trying to act
loving will lead to despair and to the defeat of
love. It will make us angry and hopeless.

But taking love itself - God's kind of love -
into the depths of our being through spiritual
formation will, by contrast, enable us to act
lovingly to an extent that will be surprising
even to ourselves, as first. And this love will
then become a constant source of joy and
refreshment to ourselves and others....and not
an additional burden to carry through life, as
'acting lovingly' surely would be."

It is ONLY through the person of Jesus Christ
that we can be changed in this way. He sends
his own Spirit in our hearts to change us if
we are abiding in him.

God, help us to take you up on this, no matter
where we are at or what we are struggling to
conquer.

Reflection on Rejection

(I just wanted to write that)

So what else would Lisa be up
to this weekend then having
more drama? Well, that's not
ALL that happened this
weekend. I also went to a
Mystery Dinner Theatre at
KU with a friend and that was
super fun. I even won some
Play-Do!!!

Oh, but yeah, seems that I have
yet another male friend and
nothing more. It's good stuff
though, 'cause I guess things
were stressing him out, it just
wasn't the right context, or
something like that. I understand,
I really do. He's a good guy.

I had a great talk with a great
friend who cheered me up afterwards.
He seems to believe that I am a great
girl who will maybe one day find
someone I click with. Awesome.
I just want someone to believe that
for me when it's hard for me to.

Also, I absolutely love my mom.
Just had to share.

Friends, do not worry about me.
Tonight I have all the gifts in the
world a girl could ask for, inside
my soul, because of Christ.

"Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea
A great High Priest whose name is LOVE
Who ever lives and pleads for ME!"

I've been writing a bunch of songs
lately. It's fun. Also, I can officially
play some killer blues on the guitar,
and I even wrote my first blues song
last night on the guitar. It was called
"Lukewarm Love" and it was me venting.

Here's a song that just kind of fell out
of me last week that I'm still not sure
what it all meant. The music came
before the lyrics.

"Fall"

The battle lines are drawn
and I will fall
The shallow eyes of the law
will see me stand and watch me fall

I hold my breath to breathe
I close my eyes to see
And I will fall
And I will fall

I cry out in whispers
I scream out loud so I'm not heard
Don't look at me
with eyes that can't see
Don't look at me
with eyes that can't see

The battle lines are drawn
and I will fall
When painted smiles are gone
maybe then I won't fall

But right now I have to fall
catch me
Right now I want to fall
but don't let me
I need you to get me
I'm worried but please don't let me
die alone


It's kind of vague, I know. Make what you
want of it.

Gotta go work on that pending paper....or
maybe just go to sleep...
Ya know, I think 10 hrs. of Grad. school plus
22 students plus 3 hours of caretaking a week
is a bit too much for Lisa. Prayers would be
appreciated. I'll likely survive...

Blessings.
Oh, and by the way, I just have to share that
sometimes I get overwhelmed by confusion,
anxiety and despair, but God truly does hold
me up. When I take up my complaints with
him, somehow I know (Holy Spirit) that he is
there, desiring to help and guide me.

Rest in him. God is above our understanding,
but he reaches down to help us when we cry
out for it.

I need to say something happy.

I bought four new CD's at the
CD tradepost today! (Bob
Marley, Oppenheimer, - anyone
heard of them before? - Jimmy
Eat World, and Mutemath) I also
took a nap! Wow, awesome!

Seriously though, my day was
being emotionally wonky (a
very useful word I just learned),
until mom called me. We ended
up praying and crying together
on the phone. She is such a
lifesaver to me. She really
helped me get some perspective
on some emotional hangups and
self-centeredness I was struggling
with.

Oh, life! You can be so so crazy.
One day I'm staring out my car
window, completely overwhelmed
by the beauty of life and the
sunset that is blowing my mind,
the next I just wish my life would
be over, very soon.

I've just gotta keep growing, or
else I will be a sad person. God,
help me trust you and know you.
I've been way too scattered lately.
I need to pray.

BLAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Why did I ever decide it was a good
idea to go BACK to school? I could
have been DONE with all of this!

grgrgrgrgrgrgrggrgrrgrgrggrgrrrr

Yeah, I seem calm on the outside...
here's the reality: I HAVE ISSUES.

Can I please just start over? What,
you ask? Everything. I just want to
forget about who I have been up to
today and just start all over new.
Starting right now, I am not an
imbalanced goof ball who gives too
much credence to her emotions and
that feeling of distant longing for
something so much better.

I want to be someone who recognizes
those things but is also somehow able
to accept the realities of life and not
just want to cry and/or get in a
relationship whenever the longing
gets to be too much to bear. Nothing
is ever going to satisfy me.....
nothing but the one thing I keep
forgetting about in all the mad rush
of trying to be a responsible adult.

Dang it, I'm a mess! And if it's not ok
to just admit it, well I'm just sorry, the
world will have to pardon my existence.
I am messy, messy inside. I want to cry,
I want to cry, too much, too much. I
want what is real. I fear what I deserve.
I cling to a small hope that I'm not a lost
cause and a faith in Jesus to save me.

God, hold me up. I'm going to try and
just keep going and let you, somehow,
direct my steps. Please, please.....

(thanks for listening to my venting session
#39,489,583,921)

So, here's my deal.

School and deadlines and way too
many hoops to jump through makes
me anxious. School plus 22 piano
students and time with Nattie makes
me anxious. School plus about
anything makes me anxious.

But God is helping me. Today I tried
to stop worrying and quiet myself
enough to just rest in Him.

No matter what I do or don't do, I'm
only going to be effective in life for
the King and the Kingdom if I am in a
vital relationship with Jesus Christ. So,
even if I have work to do, it is more
important to take breaks when I can and
just be still, just relax, just be and just
get happy.

I'm happy.

Also, I'd like to say that I miss Jamie and
I wonder what he is up to. I keep wanting
to call him but then it's like always too late
and I just wonder what he's up to these
days. So Jamie, if you read this ever, I say
hello.

Also, I'd like to say hello to such wonderful
people as Bethany, so far away, Sarah, as
she struggles through a difficult time and
illness, Jenny, holding down the fort in
lovely Georgia, Kelley, being Kelley in crazy
Arizona land, Christy, serving the Lord with
her beautiful life, Jill, setting a glow over
any room in which her voice resounds,
Michial, writing papers and church hopping
and being Michial in a world that needs to
know more of his kind of honesty and
intensity, Abby, writing poems, waitressing,
studying and being in love in NYC, Renee,
lighting a fire of heat and heart and glory
in every soul that gives her half a chance,
Mom, speaking truth and wisdom in ways
that get through to people on the heart
level, Dad, showing love through service
and consistently strong character, Mark,
doing his dad and real estate appraiser
thing in Dallas with wife and all FOUR kids
in line (mostly), Mae, being beautiful, Mary,
loving life and laughter, Maralee, steering
the lives of many boys, Kristi, editing and
being such a quality person with such an
inviting energy about her, and anyone else
who reads this who no doubt is unique and
great.

Hey, wanna know something? That guy
that I mentioned earlier, you know, the
one where it was just friends? Well, that's
still basically true, but we've come to
a mutual understanding that we could
possibly one day be more than that. Is that
called dating? I dunno. But whatever it is, I
think it's completely nice and fantasitc. This
guy is about as crazy amazing and nice
as you can imagine. Quality time, quality
talking, conversations, walking, tuning
my guitar, the show "Lost," church stuff
and music happens between us.

So there's my life lately. Kinda busy, kinda
great, kinda still "the verdict's out" in many
ways. Kinda just great.

Hey, don't get too anxious about anything, ok?
What's the point with that?

Bye. Go be you and smile about it. And when
you need to vent, do that too. :-) See ya.

Hello world.

Ummmmm I dunno.
How are you?
Yeah, so.....what's going
on? It's a nice day outside.
Inside, it's a little stagnate.
I crave a bit more freedom
in general.

Somebody set me free!!! I'm
running around in a small
circle. I want a bigger circle.
I'm speaking figuratively, but
come to think of it, actual
running might be a good idea
too. Maybe a nice straight line
though. Circles, circles, I tire
of circles. This train is going
somewhere, please let it be so.

I'm going somewhere!!!
Here I go! Where? I DON'T KNOW.

Ask me tomorrow. My brain is
like totally fuzzy today. I just
know I want out...of something...
eventually.

Thanks for letting me share.

I just want to feel. Lord, I need to
sing something loud. Jesus, I need
you every minute.

So here's the realization I came to
today...I'm kind of defective. This
word just seems to really sum up
how I feel towards certain emotional
responses I have sometimes.

It's hard when all you want sometimes
is just to feel loved, but you know that
what feels like love isn't always love at
all, and "what feels like torture is a
time to rejoice and what sounds like
thunder is a comforting voice" (Derek
Webb, a la "What Is Not Love").

So what am I talking about? I'm talking
about how I'm getting to know this guy
slowly (must it always be about a guy,
Lis? No, it's just that this is the time in
my life where it often is, ok? I'm just
trying to find a home for my heart, but
I'm trying to do this in a God-honoring
way, as best I can. So just have a little
understanding ok? Oh, I'm just talking
to myself by the way. We're a little
combative at times, haha.) and it's just
so scary sometimes when you're first
getting to know someone, really know
someone.

Part of you just wants to run and hide
and say "He doesn't really want to know
the real me," but the stronger part of
you says, "You don't know anything yet
and you ought not to give so much
credence to your fickle emotions. Just
give it time and for once in your life just
SAY NO TO DRAMA!"

Yeah, if only it were that easy.
But maybe it is! ?? Eh, who knows?
Somebody knows, yeah.

So here's a little song about Kansas and
transitioning into Fall
(or is it? haha, of course not)

Written on a cold day in late summer

Kansas you fall with such grace
but at such a maddening pace
Slow yourself down
it's not quite time for that white wedding gown

Remember last year when you and October met?
You dove in head first, letting him rule your world
but then had to just back out

He tried to forgive you but it was too late
The cold had set in

Kansas, let Fall set the pace
But get to know him first, this 'aint no race
Let life be stable and sane just this once
C'mon, give it a try


How do you like all my honesty? Sometimes I think
I'm too out there with my inner monologue on this
thing....but oh well. I might as well be real with
the world, the internet world that is. The rest of
the world will just have to guess at my inner
realities by observing a calm and collected exterior.
Hahaha, we live in such a hidden world! Oh, that
reminds me of Dr. Wetmore! I miss his classes SO
MUCH!!!! Oh dear, oh dear.

I have a new niece!!!!!!!!!!
Brianna Grace Enns. Can't wait to meet this wonderful
new person! Wonder who she is. Someday I'll have a
much better idea. Congratulations brother and family!

Oh, and the history of Special Education is FASCINATING.
That's all I got.

"Out of my bondage, sorrow and night,
Jesus, I come, Jesus I come;
Into Thy freedom, gladness and light,
Jesus I come to Thee.
Out of my sickness into Thy health,
out of my wanting and into Thy wealth,
Out of my sin and into Thyself,
Jesus, I come to Thee."

And this is what matters to me: God.
And this is what everything rests on: Him.
And this is all my hope in times of trial: Jesus' blood.

Everything else is of mild importance.

That being said, it is beautiful and raining outside,
I just had a nice pancake lunch and talking with
Naomi, the tennet below me is playing strange
wind instrument music out of their open window,
and cars are driving down 6th St., tracking
through the wet streets.

I spent last night doing my favorite thing ever: getting
to know another human being better through music. He
played me some songs, I played him some songs, we tried
playing some songs together, and a certain kind of bond
that no one will ever be able to fully understand was made.
It is the bond that is created when people gather together
in whatever way and jump from "normal" means of
communication and experience the mystery of the
expression of soul through music. Whatever else happens
in life, bonds of the spirit type will carry on and complete
their purpose of bringing truth and beauty.

I don't know if I'm going too far to say it, but I think
God does, or at least can, move in spiritual ways through
music and the bond it creates between people to
experience it together. I guess that's why I'm so excited
about Music Therapy.

Classes are going great. Guitar is hard!! I feel like I'll never
be very good at it. It's so foreign to me. So to all you
guitar players out there, "You have my admiration!"

So, about that one guy, well, God is amazing, and I think
we've successfully transitioned to friends, of sorts. These
things are odd, but God is bigger than all of that.

And now I'm talking to this other guy, but that's all too
new to say anything about other than, "friends." cool,
cool stuff.

Bye, friend. Whatever happens, know that you mean a lot
to one kind of funny girl in Kansas. You are always welcome
at my door, though life may keep you from it for too long.
I understand. Life is a necessary evil. ??? What did I just
say? Um, ok I think I'm done now. I am in favor of existence,
yours in particular.

Is Abby back from Mexico yet?

Renee, I love your face.
You have the ability to encourage me
so much because when I talk to you I
really feel accepted and like I'm free to
just say what I really want to say, and I
know you're doing the same. I love you.

Michial, I had a few "I miss Michial" moments
today. I don't even know what triggered them.

I'm back in school! I think I'm going to love
being a student again. I already love my
classes, teachers, riding the bus...everything!
And in three years I will be able to be a music
therapist. That sounds perfect, perfect, wonderful!

Today was an up day.

God is absolutely amazing, and I was really encouraged
by "Hannah's Song" in 1 Samuel this morning.

Praying with Renee on the phone last night was such
a blessing. That is one thing that the guy who just
messed me over left me with. He would initiate that
a lot, and I think that is great. It is so necessary to
remember to include God in every important decision,
every day, and every relationship, and to turn to him
for all strength and PEACE.

The peace is returning.

1 Corinthians 1:8-9

"He will keep you strong to the end, so
that you will be blameless on the day of
our Lord Jesus Christ. God, who has
called you into fellowship with his Son
Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful."

I am glad to know that he will keep me
strong through those times I can't keep
myself strong. Yesterday was definately
one of those kinds of days.

I had a good 3 full days at home last week.
Had some conflictual moments with my
beloved sister, but hey, that's our thing.
I love her, she loves me, we occasionally
fight. We ended on a good note, in fact,
a great note, so it's all good.

Had some good times with mom and dad, Mae,
Mark and Mary, and my old friend Vickie who is
now going to my Dad's house church. Mom even
bought me some "back to school" clothes.

I'll just say I had a break up recently, and it's been
a little rough, but I'm doing well. These things
happen. Thank God I burned this CD from mom
when I was at home by Ken Medema. I listened to
Track 4 from his album "Little Pictures" and it really
helped me in the wake of my emotional storm. Here's
the chorus:

"There's got to be a better way
There's got to be a better dream
Won't somebody please come tell me
Life's not as bad as it may seem
When all my plans have crashed and burned
and there's nothin' more to say
I won't go on unless I know
There can be a better way
There's got to be a better way.."

This guy is really great. I like this CD a lot.
Also, I like Kris Delmhorst ("Songs For a Hurricane")
and Maria Callas (amazing Opera singer).

Oh, and here's that song I was telling you about last time:

Love Is Real

All this walking by faith
Can get me wondering
Is this all just a big mistake
Is there a God behind the thundering
(repeat, or fill in verse later)

God, I know that you're real
Though this statement leaves me confused
What is "knowing" anyway
Some say I can't "know" there's a you
But I have no better word
to explain what's inside of me
And how my soul just has to believe
It's you who gives my life meaning
So I know, I know, I know
that You are God and God is real

All this pain and suffering
Can sometimes make my heart sick
Through the ages the blade does swing
and I wonder, are you playing cruel tricks
And they ask, "Can you really believe
in all this talk of love and beauty?
There is no God or truth, you see?"
I fight these thoughts,
but some days they get to me

God, I know that you're real
You've proven faithful through and through
And for every time I've strayed
You've stayed and made your mercies new
And when overwhelming pain
is all I can feel or see
It's then your glory is explained
When I cry out you reach down to me
So I know, I know, I know
God is love and love is real


Still needs some work perhaps, but there you
have it.

Well, there's a storm brewing outside, so I had
better turn off my computer. And yes, there is
a God behind the thundering. Hope you are well.

Hey, do you mind if I use you for a minute, cute
blog reader? I don't feel like journaling on paper
tonight, so I'm going to process my thoughts
on you. (yes, you are cute. very cute.)

So Monday was wonderful. I actually started
the day right, getting up earlier than I had
to (can you believe it?) and having some much
needed God time at the nearby park. The
whole day seemed to be much affected by
this. I read mostly in John. Jesus is so amazing.

Tuesday, for reasons largely unkonwn, felt
like a disaster. The day with my girl started
great, but by the end of the day she had left
a huge claw mark on my neck and we were
both miserable. She had a massive "meltdown"
as we like to call it, that extended for hours,
and through having to drive her and her
sister into town for her sister's Tae-Kwon-Do
lesson.

And on top of that, I was having these weird
thoughts and feelings of doubt about the very
things I base my existence around. I was
questioning my faith on some level. Was this
just because my day was so rough even though
I started it in the same fashion as the day
before and I was disillusioned? Or was it
because I have been corresponding with
someone about doubts and it was starting to
get to me? Don't know. All I know is I was
thinking about that Chris Rice song that says,
"Why can't every day, can't every day be like
today?" and then after the next verse, "Why
should any day, should any day be like today?"

But then, today, the sun came back! I didn't
particularly start this day right, but God was
gracious (I don't suppose he goes around giving
us good or bad days purely based on how much
time we've spent with Him. That would be works
oriented.) Had two great piano lessons with two
wonderful kids (well, one was about 16), and then
the day with the kiddo was overall awesome. Sure
there were some poopy messes and such, and
the occasional melt-down, but nothing like
yesterday. We got to go swimming, we had fun
with clapping bubbles and twirling toilet paper
(sound strange? well actually it was super fun)
and kicking a ball...and I fell in love all over
again.

I love that girl. Seriously, autistic kids are so
fascinating and cool. They are fun to talk to
because part of the time you just make
silly noises back and forth, slightly changing
them up now and then to keep things interesting.
I sometimes do this with "normal" people, so it's
been fun doing it with her too. (Kim Williams and
I used to do this a lot instead of having "normal"
conversations when we roomed together. It was
AWESOME.)

I want to keep being intentional about praying
and being in the Word. If I don't do this, I will
inevitably slide backwards. But prayer, specific
prayer, is very important. Sometimes I struggle
with this, it seems especially in the last year.
I get so focused on doing and being a responsible
grown-up that I forget the importance of childlike
faith and just asking my Father and not worrying.
I need to remember what's really important: Jesus
and people. I need to pray for the people God
has put in my life and on my heart to pray for.

Hey, guess what? It turns out that if a kid is
having a big fit, sometimes the best thing to do
is nothing at all. Seriously, if you just kind of
ignore them (in a loving manner) for a bit and
then express care it seems to be much more
effective then stressing out or trying to scold
at this point. Just an observation.

Here's a thought: God doesn't want us to be
strong on our own, 'cause then we might
mistake the victories in our life as being from
our own hand. Just read about Gideon and
how God sent thousands of soldiers home
for this very reason before a big battle. So
if you feel weak, you're right where you ought
to be so that God can move in an unmistakable
way. We need God and we need each other too,
especially our Christian brothers and sisters.

Here's a great verse:
"Stop judgimg by mere appearances and make a
right judgment."
--John 7:24

Oh, and

"He who belongs to God hears what God says."
--John 8:47

Or how about

"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat
falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a
single seed. But if it dies, it produces many
seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it,
while the man who hates his life in this world
will keep it for eternal life."
--John 12:24-25

It is a challenging thought that we all come at
these kinds of verses with our own grid of
understanding, and who knows if we are
really understanding these statements in the
way that God intended. However, I believe the
Holy Spirit does aide us in this respect. Thank
God for that. It can still seem kind of messy
sometimes though. People come from all
kinds of upbringings and experiences. I
guess we all need each other to truly
understand God. On our own we'll just get
stuck in our own way of thinking, perhaps.

I was going to post a new song I wrote in the
car today, but I think I'll hold off. It's about
the struggle of walking by faith. Needs work.

If someone named Jamie happens to be reading
this, I just want to say hi and that I hope you are
doing great. :-)

And if someone named Bethany, Kelley, Kim,
Sarah, Jenny, or someone else from TFC, then
"Hi you!"

And everyone else (any family members?), thanks
for sticking this long one out with me. :-)

Know any good cures for one of those
vaguely discontented days?

Read the Bible
Call Renee
Cook something
Drink some tea
Call and leave message on
a boy's phone who I don't
know exactly what he thinks
of me, but I'm ok with that
Listen to "Over the Rhine,"
especially the song "Professional
Daydreamer"

Think I'll go try some of those beginning
ones, as I've already tried the latter.

"Broken down, we're all so broken down
Bandages on our wings
I know I don't have to tell you
Only broken hearts can sing"

Thanks, I feel better just to get some of that
melancholy out onto this screen. There's no
good reason for it, but that's no surprise.

I've started a book that caught my eye in the
Library because a friend of mine once made
me a mix CD with this book's title as it's title.

The book is about four fascinating people:
Dorothy Day, Flannery O'Connor, Walker Percy
and Thomas Merton, who were all Catholic writers
of the past century.

Anyone know the book? I know Kristi already does.
I'm sure someone else (Michial) does too.

Sometimes I randomly miss people from TFC.
A couple days ago it was Jon Oesch and today it
was Jenny Morden and also her dad.

Two more weeks with my girl. Two more weeks
of my year off from school. In three years I will
hopefully be able to practice Music Therapy.
cool.

And maybe I'll be very proficient with this home
recording studio thing. I'm coming along, just
slowly. It's really fun when I actually get around
to it.

Sometimes I really need to sing.

Goodnight. You are so so special, did you know that?

God, I feel I failed to love tonight. Sometimes I just feel
very useless in certain social settings. I just want a
small group of people (yes, Abby, you know me), or to
just be alone rather than be in a big, impersonal group
that is still somehow trying to be personal, but it's not.

I'm cooking A LOT
and loving it.

Seven Grain Porridge (Nourishing
Traditions)

Rye Bread (Laurel's Kitchen - though
I think I prefer the Sourdough and
Natural Yeast kind I have been making
from Nourishing Traditions. More flavor)

Peanut Butter Balls (Laurel's Kitchen plus
some improving of my own)

Bouillabaise (fish, shrimp, scallops, etc.
from a Soup cookbook. This was a
complicated soup, but worth it. Made
with homemade fish stock. I know, I'm
crazy)

Pork and Potatoe Curry (Indian Cooking,
I substituted for Lamb)

Spiced Kidney Beans with Ginger and Yoghurt
(Indian Cooking - a book from Renee by the way!)

I dunno, I just like food.

Had an incredible experience today up on the
hill that overlooks Clinton Lake. First of all, let
me set the stage. It was cloudy, 79 degrees,
perfectly peaceful, with a painfully tender breeze
that was so fragile it could kill you to try and
conquer it.

I was feeling reflective and aware that God has
been teaching me more of what it means to be
content in whatever circumstance (much of this
through awesome discussion at girls Bible study
and thoughts brought on by question of Michial's
when we had dinner the other night). So then
I look over to my right and am startled to notice
that there is a kind of dense white fog keeping me
from even being able to see the far side of the lake.

Then I notice that the "fog" is slowly creeping towards
me.

Then I realize that the "fog" is in fact a huge downpour
of rain headed straight for me and my exposed journal.

Quickly, I pack up my stuff, run to the edge of the hill to
get a closer look at the amazing sight, and then giggle
with excitement, and finally make my flight down the
hill, which quickly turns into an adventure in the rain.
I felt like I was in some Jane Austen book (haven't
actually read any, but you know, I've seen the movies..)
and some guy was going to ride in on a horse to rescue
me before I died of cold. But it's ok, I'm sure he was
busy doing something more important. It really wasn't
that cold anyway. It was plain fun and crazy.

Then I dripped water on the Hy-Vee floor so I could
purchase some corn, almonds, peanut butter, etc.

Just so you know, there is a level of information about
my life that is slightly below this surface that I will
share possibly later. There is a new song, and there
are new thoughts and feelings etc.

In closing: I love conversations, friends, and you.
There is nobody like you.

Why was I laughing out loud while fueling my
car today and then later almost crying by the
side of the road? What a great question.

Well, I had a long day with the kiddo (the
pool was ok, but the day ended with her
getting out of her seat and pulling my hair
in the car and then hitting me in the face
just as her dad was walking over to pick
her up. The one consolation is that I
think it was a desperate attempt to not
have to go home - who knows why - in
favor of having yet another time out...
I dunno, but that's my hunch. It was
bizarre)

So this guy walks up to me while I'm at
the Kwik Shop to say this to me:

guy: "Did you know there's something
hanging off the end of your car?"

me: "Yeah, I know. Thanks."

guy: "It looks like a tail."

Now, I don't know exactly why, maybe
it was a release of all of the tension of
the day, but this last comment, which
is actually quite true, just made me
laugh out loud for several minutes
after he walked away. It's so true!
My car has a tail. I love it.
I really should figure out how to
pull that thing off. Oh, well.

Oh, and the almost crying thing is
becuase turns out after I finish
fueling, my car decides to not let
me shift out of park AT ALL.
Something's busted. AAA, towing,
the whole experience, AND THEN...

when I was walking home from the
mechanic (just up the road from my
apt.), there was this ADORABLE little
birdie just hopping along beside me
and then as it cheerily hopped ever
so innocently onto the street.....

SMASH! A car bulldozes right over
it, smooshing it into the dirty
pavement. I wanted to scream.

What a day, what a day, what a
day, WHAT A DAY!

But now, at the end of it, I know God
can use all things for good. It is good
to have friends to tell such horrendous
things to and then pray with.

How was your day?

Now fear the Lord and serve him with all
faithfulness. Throw away the gods your
forefathers worshiped beyond the River
in Egypt, and serve the Lord.

...throw away the foreign gods that are
among you and yield your hearts to the
Lord, the God of Israel.

(excerpts from Joshua 24)


I'm coming up for air,
in need of fresh perspective
and a youthful inspiration
Up here the air is rare
But rare is my objective
regardless of respiration

The rockies are gorgeous

Sleeping on an uneven, hard dirt
surface, crammed in a little tent
with 3 other girls is hideous.

God however, is breathtaking, amazing

(excerpts from my journal in Colorado)


We hiked 12 miles in the Colorado rockies.
We slept under the stars and by the light
of the brightest moon I have ever seen.

Have you ever seen a real moon rise when
the moon actually casts shadows? It's great,
great, lovely.

Have you ever been thoroughly frustrated at
how differently people are wired than yourself?
It's messy, messy, tiring.

Love really is a choice, isn't it? Lord, help me
to make that choice, whatever that looks like.
Please show me, help me, love through me.

Nothing of great significance to offer
tonight. Just this plain little update.

My life is going fine these days. Some
parts are good, some parts are great,
some have been rough, and some are
so-so. Overall, I'm doing good.

I'm pumped to be heading off to
Colorado for a 6 day hiking trip with
9 others from Grace EPC! I hope I
don't break anything 'cause I have
no insurance. It should be fine, right?
yeah sure.

That's all I got. I know it's not much.
Here's to being poor in spirit but
finding joy in my great Savior.

Inside there is something empty
Inside this heart of mine
I go around, not even aware
trying to fill it all the time

God you see me as I am
and you know my sin is great
But You are much greater, Savior
as I drown in all I hate

So you have to come and save me
See, I cannot save myself
All attempts have left me battered
by the knowledge of Your wealth

Last night the sky was gorgeous
and I felt your love so free
But today the sky is glaring
into the weakest part of me

Still I trust you more than ever
and in turning from my ways
I am free to love you only
and to live within Your gaze

"Jesus I am resting, resting
in the joy of what Thou art
I am finding out the greatness
of Thy loving heart"

Church was so encouraging today. More
acurately, the Holy Spirit was so encouraging
today. And I am glad to have a clearer picture
of my own sinfulness. God, save me. I am
poor in Spirit, and it is a good thing, for it is
only the realization of something that was
always there.

I am all need and helplessness. You are full
of love and Truth. Fill me with You. Draw
us Lord. Draw all of those you have chosen
in Christ both in this country and around the
world. Show us more of who we are in light
of who You are, but only as much as we can
bear. This I ask through Christ, who bought
me with His blood, and who alone has the
power to change me, and to change us all.

Chased a funny girl around at the pool.
Taught some funny kids some piano.
Ate some Chinese take-out. mmm.

Still working on being more conscious
about my prayer and time with God.
I need to realize how real God is and
involve him in my day to day and have
the priviledge of watching Him work.

As mom reminded me last night, prayer
is so much a beautiful thing, truly. It
is a mind-boggling priviledge that needs
to be taken advantage of much more!

I drank an entire can of vanilla coke tonight!
(The caffiene makes me very excited and
nervous and jumpy....!!!!)

Think I'm gonna go bounce around like a
caffinated bunny. Running, jumping,
bounding through the summer evening
air! Or just jogging. Yeah, that would be
more normal-person esque.

Yesterday on the lovely rural Kansas road
that I drive to my girl's house, I started
writing a song that I really like! Today
I put some chords to it. It's fun to play.
It's about microphones and love and
feeling more like yourself. Make sense?
Um, maybe just kind of?

thanks, you're a pal.

la la la, I like wedding gigs.
What a great way to make $170!
The wedding was so short and sweet
too. A fair amount of pieces to play,
but it was just plain fun. Maybe some
day I will get tired of "Clair de Lune"
and "Wedding March (Here Comes the
Bride," but not yet. "Ode to Joy" is a
very nice recessional.

Things with my girl have been pretty
up and down this week, but I feel
overall very good about this job, and
our relationship. We're still just getting
used to each other, and there have been
many "interesting" moments and situations
(scratches, screaming, potty accidents in
my car, hair pulling while I'm driving, etc.),
but there have also been some incredibly
sweet and bonding moments (singing and
making funny noises together, and just
playing and working through some near
meltdowns together).

God is good, God is so good.

Emotions are funny. I don't completely
trust them, but still, I think they are
very important friends to have.
Sometimes they give horrible advice,
but sometimes they say just the right
thing, and then life is breathtaking.

I really appreciate Jamie.
I really appreciate Renee.

(I appreciate you too)

True friends are the greatest. Wish
I had more of them around me now.

Naomi is in Africa.

I appreciate Kristi, Abby, Bethany,
Kelley, Jenny, Sarah, Kim, Michial,
every member of my family (miss
them!), Caedmon's Call, Keith Green,
and a bunch of other people and bands.

I appreciate my Dad, and you should too.
(My Dad is super awesome guy)

I am going for a jog!

There was a great tension in Lawrence on June 14, 2006.
I was the only one who felt it, and so I felt it for the
whole city. I fought it and I kept on fighting it because
the options were: fight it or die.

In other words, I took a jog/run tonight to get out some
angst.

You might not know it by watching me in a crowd, but
I have a significant amount of fight in me.

Speaking of fight (which I have no one to do that with
tonight), here is an interesting look at God from
Dueteronomy.

"See now that I myself am He!
There is no god besides me.
I put to death and I bring to life,
I have wounded and I will heal,
and no one can deliver out of my hand.

I lift my hand to heaven and declare:
As surely as I live forever,
when I sharpen my flashing sword
and my hand grasps it in judgment,
I will take vengeance on my adversaries
and repay those who hate me.
I will make my arrows drunk with blood,
while my sword devours flesh:
the blood of the slain and the captives,
the heads of the enemy leaders."

--Duet. 32:39-42

That's not so warm and fuzzy, now is it?
Wow, that is the God we serve (or the enemy
we fight in vain against). Don't even try and
tell me my God isn't strong enough to fight
for me when all of my fight gets me nowhere.
He is my strength. He is the one my heart
adores. He is a warrior.

Is fluidity a word? It should be.

Fluidity is my new thing.

Picture a flowing stream of water,
a river perhaps. The water is like
God's plan for our lives. It moves
around rocks, around curves, but
it is not thwarted by these things.

God's plan for my life is fluid. Just
as my thought patterns are fluid
and can change and morf around
different concepts and situations,
so is God's plan for my life fluid.

I know this will sound weird, (I
already told Renee about this),
but that last sentence actually
came to me as I was coming out
of a Sunday nap dream. Someone
was saying that sentence to me
and I had a strong sense that it
was very important for me to
remember it. That's not the exact
sentence, but it's the best I can do.

But now I'm super tired and I'm going
to bed. By the way, Monday's are long,
and kids are exhausting and wonderful,
and Bible study is nice and so is piano.

This is one of those times I should just elect to call
people and talk about the situation because I'm going
to be vague, and I need to talk to real people, but just
for (fun?) I'm going to post about it.

The drama meter is back to the right side (high)
again. But wait! Before you feel dejected or sorry
for me (or whatever it is you feel about me and my
unstable love life), I just want to say: "STOP!"

Why?

Because, I say that LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So what if my road is rocky as all get out some days
and so what if any sane person would just throw in
the towel. I refuse to be sane and give up on
relationships, of all kinds.

If this dude doesn't want to be my boyfriend, then I
will be sad, for a while, but really, I was under no
delusion that he was the perfect male specimen.
I just happened to really like him anyway and wanted
to work those things out together. Presently, he
seems to not want this, and so, why should I get
too bent out of shape about it? I am so thankful
for the chance to get to know him, his history, his
stories, his struggles, and his strengths.

It is a little odd to be on this side of the coin for a
change. Actually, I think I prefer being dumped.
Guess it goes back to my passive tendencies and
my unusual ability to adapt and accept. Maybe.

But really, reading what I just wrote, I don't think
it's that at all. I think God's grace is what is
causing me to feel ok about however this works
out. He has helped me to not base my world too
much on this relationship, and now that it might
be gone, it is freeing to sense that He is right
there, still with me, and it's going to be ok.

God, thanks. I know I might get upset about this
later, but right now I just say thanks. I love you,
I trust you, and I want Your will and not mine.

Honestly though, can you believe he gave me
back the mix CD's I made him? I just have no
capacity to understand GIVING BACK a mix CD.
I love mix CD's.

Just so you know, it could still work out. I know
that this guy is honestly just trying to do the
right thing, and right now he's just confused
about what that is. I still respect him as a fellow
Christian brother and as a person. He has every
right to say what he said to me today. He has
doubts about us. I can understand that, so what
can I say?

As the Nickel Creek song says, "I can't complain."
And as another Nickel Creek song says, "I hope
you find somebody more like you." (However,
he did say he was sorry. He's not a jerk.)

BLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH
(needed to vent some random, unnamed emotion)

Have a super day. And, for one last song quote,
this one from Caedmon's Call:
"Jesus is all I need." (And I hope you know what
this does and does not mean. I still need people,
but deep down, it is Jesus I really need.)

Now, I think I will call a friend. :-)

Life is a wild ride, even in Kansas!

I have been working with an autistic girl
for just two days now, and I love her
already. There is just no way to explain
what it's like trying to get through to
her, loving her, reaching out to her
through humming and singing, and
seeing her struggle through her times
of being so unable to process the stimuli
around her that she just starts kicking
and hitting herself, anyone around her,
and crying/screaming.

Being an ED Para has prepared me for this
very well, to the point where even though
it is draining, I love, really love what I'm
doing. What an incredible job.

I now have about 11 students signed up,
so that is going well too.

How are you? June is lovely, don't you agree?
Love the warm evenings.

Also, I love working through things, really
working through things, and finding that
God's word is such a lamp, and God's love
is such light.

I am in like, big time. Still, I wouldn't say
it is stable. I dunno...this guy has layers.
Last night he caused me to become
surprisingly upset, but strangely, I ended
up likeing him more for it. He made me
mad, like I hardly ever get mad, and it
made something inside of me say,
"Woah, there is some kind of fire here
worth tapping into."

He made me mad because he was trying
to protect me from him, thinking I won't
really want to deal with him and his
emotional fire ways, but I think he is
wrong. I think it is good that he gets
worked up over things, even if he is
tempted to act out in ways that are not
wise sometimes. God can work that out
in him, and I believe that is his desire.

We'll see, we'll see. No promises yet, ok?
OK.

Update from last post:

Drama meter reads semi-stable.
(That means I'm still talking to
a certain guy.)

Who knows, maybe I'll give
stability a try. Seems like a good
idea, no, a GREAT idea!!

God knows. I don't. That's all.

(Oh, and I had a great day for
multiple reasons. Thank God for
being able to clear the air a bit
with someone I thought maybe
didn't even care about me at all,
just as a person. Turns out that
that is not true. He still cares on
some level, and his distance is for
reasons I totally respect. I feel blessed
and thankful. Thanks, Michial)

I'm officially once again employed.

God, you are so faithful.

I'm going to be taking care of and
playing with an autistic girl for about
25 hrs. a week. Also have a fair amount
of piano lessons, so I think I should
survive alright. !!!!! :-)

In other news, I am fumbling around
and stumbling in the dark on certain
issues. Clarity evades me presently

BUT

God is still Sovereign, still loving, still
wise.

Pastor Bill reminded us in church today
of this:

"What can man do to me? Nothing, that
my wise, loving and sovereign Lord does
not give him the authority to do. Therefore,
don't be afraid of what man can do."

Any suffering I go through is not ultimately
at the hands of the male population or my
own stupidity, it is at the hands of my
Father who loves and cares for me, and just
wants to see me grow into a vessel that can
better show Him to the world.

Dear male population,

Why do you confuse me so? Why do I confuse
you so? Do you think one of you could want
to work through anything and everything with
me, no matter the cost? And could that same
somebody please strive to live to fulfill the
desires of the spirit and not the flesh, like it's
a daily battle that must be fought by God's
strength, but also intentionally?

Am I just wacky, misguided, judgemental,
hopelessly insecure about wanting to feel loved?
I want to work on these and other flaws. I really do.

Sincerely,
one from the female group

OK world, that's all I've got for tonight. There's
all my honesty and then some.

Ah, what would my life be without a little turmoil?
A little boring, a little nice.

I'm officially out of a job.

It was a good last week with the
kids. I have lots of memories I
will take out later. Seriously, kids
are awesome. Some of them may
even express appreciation! Wow,
what a blessing.

I feel goofy about blogging. My life
is very three-dimensional lately, and
isn't lending well to this typing words
on a screen thing. It so so so so so
so so so cannot say all that I would
like to say. I can't use hand gestures,
and that's half my vocabulary sometimes!!

(insert large hand gestures, Don Enns style)
(My dad sometimes busts out the hand gestures.)

I will hopefully have some random waitressing
job pretty soon. If not....temp agency here I
come.

I have been hanging out excessively with one
of those male types. Tonight we played Tennis.
Turns out I am happier than twelve larks.
Man, it's crazy to be so happy.
Wonder what will become of this new phase.
I'm very excited to see.

I like teaching piano lessons and cooking and
singing and hearing other people sing and
warm summer nights and Over the Rhine and
Nickel Creek, and changes that come just when
you hardly expected they would.

I like dreaming that deep down, the song beneath
the song is strong and beautiful.

Thank you dear God for this Saturday in May, and
for everything that you are. Wish I could know more
about you. Help me to keep growing in knowing you.

Bye and good night.

It's been a long day folks.
6am Spring Show rehearsal, school,
two group lessons...tired.

But now I am listening to my Chris
Rice hymns CD (piano arrangements)
and it is very soothing. Also have
been enjoying reading Dallas Willard's
"The Spirit of the Disciplines" on
recommendation from my dad and
others. This is my first Willard
experience. So far it's great. It's
about how the disciplines, like prayer,
reading the word, fasting, solitude,
and service (things exemplified by the
life of Christ) are the keys to real
spiritual transformation in our daily
lives and in our mortal bodies.

Read this tonight:
"But now he has appeared once for all
at the end of the ages to do away with
sin by the sacrifice of himself. Just as
man is destined to die once, and after
that to face judgement, so Christ was
sacrificed once to take away the sins of
many people; and he will appear a second
time, not to bear sin, but to bring salvation
to those who are waiting for him."
--Hebrews 10:26-27

Good, beautiful, amazing words. I need
them tonight. Lord, I am waiting. Help
me to always remember you and your
sacrifice that gave me life. I need you.

I just want to say thanks to Jamie for
being such a good friend to me.
He is graduating this Saturday. :-)

Here's to looking to God for solace and
comfort and life-giving truth.

I hope you are doing well friend. A true
friend is something I have come to value
very much lately. True friends are long-
suffering, forgiving, and willing to talk
with you or help you out. I have many of
these, even if I don't always take advantage
of them in favor of just bearing things alone.
Sometimes this is good, perhaps sometimes
not so much, but I'm learning.

OK, I'm done.

I love it when I get to just chill with the "kids".
Today it was lovely outside and I got to spend
about 30 min. with various groups of three
just enjoying the warmth and being buddy-
buddy with them. It's a nice change from
having to be "teacher" all the time. I don't
know if any of them really see me as filling
that role however. I mean, they've gotten to
respect me mostly and listen to what I have
to say, but there's also an undertone of
friendship, and I'm glad for that. It makes
my job kind of fun sometimes.

Today there were three of them crowded
around me at my desk, and I was
simultaneously helping Andrea do ratios
and Trever with dividing fractions (multiply
by the reciprocal, remember? Yeah, I didn't
at first either). It was kind of funny. For a
moment there I felt so loved, so needed....
and then Andrea pushed me off my chair
almost on top of poor Trevor. Thanks a lot!
haha, it was an accident. We both DO NOT fit
on one chair afterall. funny, funny.

Spring show rehearsals are going well. I'm
actually having a lot of fun with the synth stuff.
Favorite so far: playing bassoon and oboe on
"I Got You Babe". It's ridiculously easy, but fun.
Least favorite: playing cheesy synth-keyboard
sound on "Dancing on the Ceiling."

WHAT A RIDICULOUS SONG.
The chorus is:
"Oh what a feeling when we're dancing on the ceiling."
need I say more? really, do I need to?
Yeah, 'cause then there's this crazy sixteenth note
passage that kills my hand all throughout that dumb
chorus. Oh, well.

Oh what a feeling when we're dancing on the ceiling?
What kind of a lyric is that? What was this guy on?
pure 80's cheese, that's what.

And on that uplifting note, I bid you goodnight.

I feel like being really honest, but I probably
will fall very short, perhaps subconciously on
purpose.

Do you know what can be hard? Being an
emotion-driven person at your core, but
also not trusting your emotions.

I'm so idealistic. But I look out of my own
eyes, and that's how I see the world. I see
it as a place with so many unkonwns that,
unless you strive for perfection, you will
probably never even find something half-
way decent. But, if you hold out long
enough, and do everything just right, then
life can be beautiful, exciting, and full.

But what if I'm fooing myself?
What if my idealism is falsley grounded?
Is it a bit humanistic, perhaps, to believe
that I can find some "perfect" life if I just
strive hard enough?

Thea Kronborg from "Song of the Lark"
is a fictional character, but I think she
and I share a few things. I, however,
have many more flaws and weaknesses
than she. She is the idealized one. She
was driven by an intense desire to be
every ounce of the person that she was
capable of being. She sacrificed all else
for the sake of finding that ideal. But in
the end...well, I don't know the end yet.
I've been putting off reading the last
chapter. I don't know why really. Just
have. But I suspect she won't find true
meaning in all her success.

I don't want my desire for perfection to
get in the way of finding a meaningful
life. Neither do I want to sacrifice my
idealism for a road that leads somewhere
I never would have wanted to go down.


I'm just trying to be honest at the end of
a task-filled Saturday. It's technically
tomorrow, but I've only now gotten to
the core of what was driving me all over
town today. I'm confused. I still don't
really know what I want. But how am I
ever going to find out?

I think I'm just tired. Maybe? I should just
go to sleep. Who knows, maybe by morning
something will have clicked together in my
head. That happens sometimes. God helps
us out a lot with that thing called sleep.

Dear God, I thought 23 would feel older. Is it
ok if I hold onto idealism? Can I hope to attain
even a shred of it in this life, or is it all for the
life to come? If so, could you please help me
in this "just getting by"? Could you fill it and
make it somehow more full and alive, and
infuse it with meaning. Maybe then I could
deal with it not being perfect. Yeah, that's
the kind of life I want. Not perfect, but
meaningful despite this temporary blindness.

Someday I will know Truth as clearly as if seeing
it with my own eyes.

For tonight, this is as honest as I know how to be.

God, forgive me, forgive us, for setting our sights
too low or too high. Help us to see and to not
get trapped by trying too hard or not hard enough
to be perfect, like You. Just let us know You more.
Help us live as dead to our flesh, but alive in Christ.

(Have you missed my confused and distraught
posts? Well then, this one's for you. Seriously
though, I'm good.)

It's been a while. Brace yourself. (many words to follow)

I've been journaling a lot lately, but I like to let my entries
sit for a while before I decide what's worth posting publicly.
I don't think I could use this as my journal. I'm not that
mature (or is it just brave or willing to be vulnerable) yet.
But really, I'm pretty much an open book, in general.

Here's my hope: to teach lots of piano lessons this
summer so that maybe I'll just have to get a part time job
doing something else. Also, to find someone to respond
to my add in the paper and take over my lease so I can
move in with Naomi come August.

Presently, God has not moved either of these two things
into place, despite my many flyers and such. So this is
where I, as one who has Faith in Him, say, "God, I'm
looking forward to seeing how you're going to work
this all out in the best possible way," and then I don't
worry. I'm trying. I'm trusting.

Oh, here's a list of CD's I really wish I could buy, but I'm
going to refrain for now, in favor of things like rent.

1. Kris Delmhorst (randomly discovered her lately, and
she is so great! I like her style)
2. Sergiu Luca (violinist - playing Bach. Beautiful)
3. Nickel Creek - "Why Should the Fire Die"
4. Eva Cassidy - "Eva By Heart"
5. Lyle Lovett - "I Love Everybody"
6. Ben Taylor Band (have heard a few songs that I
like)
7. Taylor Sorensen
8. Rosie Thomas
9. Pedro the Lion
10. Bob Dylan (one of his more recent ones - I just
have two of his older ones)

Ah, what a better CD collection I would have...but I
guess I will wait. I will have a bit more money after
the Spring Show (I'm playing the synthesizer parts
for West Jr. High's Spring Show, which is a lot like
the Rock Show from Northeast High School days.)

I've been reading some Dietrich Bonhoeffer lately.
Wow, it's great. A lot of it makes me think of lectures
from the much esteemed Dr. Bob (Wetmore) of Toccoa
Falls College. I know he liked Bonhoeffer. Here's a
quote:

"Factually speaking, Christ has given scarcely any
ethical prescriptions that were not to be found already
with the contemporary Jewish rabbis or in pagan
literature.

The essence of Christianity lies in the message of the
sovereign God to whom alone belongs glory over all the
world. It is the message of the eternally other, the one
who is far above the world, yet who from the depth of
his being has mercy on the person who gives glory to
him alone. He is the one who goes on the way to people
in order to seek vessels of his glory where the human
person is no longer anything, where he becomes silent,
where he gives way to God alone.

Here the light of eternity shines down on those who are
ever neglected, insignificant, weak, ignoble, unknown,
inferior, opposed, despise; here it radiates over the houses
of prostitutes and tax collectors. Here the light of eternity
has been cast on the toiling, struggling, and sinning masses.
The word of grace spreads across the stale sultriness of the
big cities, but it halts before the houses of the satisfied, the
knowledgeable, and the 'haves' of this world in a spiritual
sense.

It speaks over the death of individuals [death to flesh I'm
assuming] and peoples its everlasting word: I have loved
you from eternity; remain with me; thus will you live.
Christianity speaks the unending worth of the apparently
worthless and the unending worthlessness of what is
apparently so valuable."

Isn't that just.... (where's that wheel of adjectives when
you really need it?) amazing? Inspiring and true, for sure.

Through reading this, through wonderful sermons from
pastor Bill on Hebrews 11, and through hard experiences
at school, feeling so inadequate and incapable of demanding
respect from kids that aren't inclined to give it to me, I have
been growing. My mind has been turning different things
around in a way that is affecting my soul, and it's good.

I wrote on April 21:
"Words on paper cannot tell
this sunrise breakthrough in the depths rising.
This love is for and from the same, holy other."

I want to give a shout-out to the Jazzhaus of Lawrence.
I went there for the first time last Sat. It was cool. I
really needed just to be around people that night, so
I took myself down there and listened to the band play.

Michial, if you're reading this, I had some Bill Mallonee come
up on my iTunes today and I smiled. That guy is so honest
in his songs, and so passionate about being honest. I like
that.

Last Sunday I made 105 cookies. (for a friend so he could
bribe his students into giving him a good teacher evaluation.
He's a grad. student in economics)

Some of them were green. (green tea powder - his idea)

OK, there it is - everything I have to say. Oh, wait. One
last thing. A quote (Jamie likes this quote) from one of
my kids, Andrea:

"Don't talk to Lisa like that! She's my HOMEGIRL!"
(said with lots of attitude)

Yes! I love it. Some kids treat me like crap, but then
some would go to war for me. That's not necessarily a
good thing, 'cause she literally would GO TO WAR for
me, but you gotta love the girl. :-)

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I can't believe how long this is. Oh, wait,
yes I can)

Here's one for the memory banks:

"When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take
me into glory."

-Psalm 73:21-24

Today was a rough day at school. I need
to PRAY, pray, pray for these kids, and for
my own heart and willingness to be used.

Also have some other decisions and such
to be making soon. Moving, etc., time
commitments...

Oh, and Bob Dylan was so so good. He
does not cater to the audience at all. I
only wish I had known more of the songs
so I could know what in the world he was
singing about. :-) The music was great
though.

Here I am, in this little apartment.
Just wrapped up a very good Easter.
I had lunch with friends, cooked a
lot, and talked with Kelley, Renee,
mom, and two boys from church
One of them I called because he
informed me via e-mail that I had
hurt him by a previous e-mail of
mine. I had to apologize. We're
good now.

The other boy informed me that
BOB DYLAN IS PLAYING IN KC
TOMORROW!

And guess who's going?
me, me, me!!!
This is probably his last tour,
and come on, I can't pass this up,
I mean, I spent four years listening
to a certain TFC prof. recount in
mind-boggling detail all the Dylan
concerts he's been to and how no
two are the same...musical genius...
etc. IT'S BOB DYLAN. I've gotta go.
Plus, I actually can afford it this month.
woo hoo!!!!!! (am I excited? yes.)

In other news, I think I am growing up,
at least, a bit. I think I have made some
good steps in the life-long battle of
training my mind to not accept thoughts
that come from emotions that would lead
me away from God. Praise God for this!
I know I still have a long ways to go.

Possibly, I am just getting used to living
alone. But come August I am planning on
moving in with my dear friend Naomi, and
I'm sure that will bring to light many more
things I need to work on. That's the beauty
of relationships, right? They help you to grow
and make you more aware of the weaknesses
and flaws that you can become accustomed
to ignoring or glazing over. So bring it on!

(It's easy to write that now...but I really do
want to grow, deep down, by whatever
means God sees fit. However, Naomi and
I do get along quite well.)

So, how are you? Busy? Yeah, you probably
are. Why are we all SO BUSY!!! Life in America
is craziness.

God, I know I would be better off if I made more
time to meditate on Your Word. Please forgive
me and help me. Help us all to draw near to
you every day in whatever moments you allow.
Help us not to miss those moments, and to be
thankful in general. We have so much in You.

In Africa, I hear there are horrible things happening
related to their civil wars. In my classroom at school
there are kids that have so much crap to deal with,
both at home, and inside of themselves emotionally.
So much to pray about. So much to take to God
every day and trust that he hears every prayer, and
sees the oppression and all that's wrong in the world,
and trust that in Christ, all things work together for
good for those who believe in Him and are called by
Him. Oh, that I would believe this, even if I lived in
the middle of death and destruction, and not in a
priviledged society.

There's a lyric I once wrote in a song back in high
school that really convicted me when the song came
up on my iTunes. The line was:

"I thank, I thank You Lord. You have been so good to me.
But I would still praise You Lord from the depths of misery.
Because my faith in Your goodness does not depend
on the way that I feel.
For it is through the hard times that You refine me
and Your love is revealed."

Man, I don't always follow through with this. Sometimes,
the depths of misery get the best of me.

However....
I am learning, slowly. Perseverance is about always
getting up the next day and trying again, never giving
up the fight against my flesh and sinful desires, and
my desire to see more than what God is allowing me to see.
Some days it seems easier than others.

Be encouraged, friend. He has overcome the world.
Thank you for the role you have played and are playing
in my life.

Michial and Renee had this posted, so I thought I
would try it too. I did the shorter test, so my
results aren't as thorough.


Global Personality Test Results
Stability (73%) high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.
Orderliness (46%) medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.
Extraversion (53%) medium which suggests you are moderately talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting.
"http://similarminds.com"

I'm playing at "Signs of Life" on Mass. St.
tomorrow night (Good Friday). All are invited!
:-)

Here's my set list:

Cool Cat (mine)
There Will Come A Time
Lift My Head (mine)
Deeper Meaning (mine)
My Hometown in Spring (mine)
Tear Down the Telephone Poles (mine)
When Morning Guilds the Skies
I'm So Thirsty
New Piano Doodle (mine)
So Send I You
Break The Cycle (mine)
Hallelujah, What a Savior

Tonight my sister spoke some truth to me
that I needed to hear. Yes, she can be
harsh, but as I reflect on some of what she
said, dang it, she's kind of right!! Oh well.

:-)

Love you Maralee.

"A hope that is seen is no hope at all."

We wait expectantly for the glory that is
to be revealed. We can sense it even now,
though we cannot see it fully. May I bring
glory to God by completing the work He
has for me to do, just as Jesus did while
He walked this earth. And may I not shy
away from my calling in Christ even when
the pruning of my heart is so painful I
don't have the strength to look up.

Today was a great day.

It was gorgeous outside and after the one piano lesson
for the day, which was super fun (Patricia may be quite
a few years older than me, but her enthusiasm makes
her seem much younger), I headed out to Clinton Lake.

Ahhhhhh, close your eyes, breath in deep, hear the
waves and feel the breeze. Up in the sky there's a black
bird with massive wingspan soaring so high, carried by
the wind. He was happy, I was happy. Seriously, I love
warm days and large bodies of water with few people
around.

Then I made contact with Kristi (dear girl) and spent
the rest of the day with "the gang" (church 20's and
30's people). We "watched" the final four games later
on and grilled, but mostly it was just an excuse to hang
out and talk. Fun stuff.

I'm starting to like this town. Art show opening at
"Signs of Life" last Friday night was cool too. Yeah
James!

So there was my happy day. Thank you Lord for the
good days, and the bad. Thank you for bringing me
out of myself and allowing me to be cared for by your
body of believers. Lord, help me be more like you.

I'll end with a quote Tim gave us at Bible study:
"The door to your neighbor is the gateway out of the
dungeon of self."

Today I took a vacation from my problems.
Maybe I'll stay.
What problems do I really have anyways?
None, really. The maintenance people are
going to fix my water heater and my showers
will be warm again.

God is good. The sun will rise again, it will
shine on my heart and bring warmth.

It was stormy out today. Someday I will be
with my Savior, and I will be whole.

My thoughts are scattered, but I feel ok. I
have moments of clarity. I hope those
moments begin to stick and the depressive
ones fall off.

I think tonight I will sleep better.

Thanks for stopping in. Sometimes I miss you
and pray for you.

Life changes, yes it does. My emotions change.
But God is forever the same.