Today during a music therapy session with
troubled teens, our group leader (I am currently
just a helper) played a Tom Petty song. It
was something about chasing down a dream
that wouldn't find you on its own. I liked it.
One of the kids was a big Tom Petty fan so
it really hit home with him. He recommended
I listen to more of Tom when we were talking.

Lately I'm really excited about Music Therapy.
I kind of go back and forth with my thoughts
on its real value, but lately I've seen a LOT of
important, practical, valuable uses for it in my
classes and from speakers and such.

I conducted my own personal music therapy
session alone in my apartment this morning
after my morning class. I was feeling out of
sorts, and it's not like I made a real conscious
decision to do this, but I sat at the keyboard
and, after a lot of trial and error, a song came.

This form of self therapy has a good deal to
do with the music and letting the sounds calm
me, but it also has a great deal to do with the
process of forming a lyric. Sometimes I don't
even know exactly what it is I'm feeling, but
when I guide myself into creating a lyric to
go along with the mood music I'm creating, it
helps me to see what's going on inside of me.

Here's the lyric (you'll have to imagine the sound):

"I need something to say
I need someone to hold"
He said it under his breath
before the thought could unfold

And when I looked in his eyes
I couldn't bring myself to feel
It was too deep of a wound
The wind blew the leaves

So we pretended to smile
and we pretended to leave
And we pretended that none of it
meant anything

And when he walks on the sidewalk or street
The pavement doesn't feel a thing
And when the leaves fall down from the trees
The trees don't even feel a thing

So pour it over my skin,
Pour it into my soul
Pour it over my head
Then let the anchor take hold

Weigh me down with your love
God of mercy and peace
Spirit, descend like a dove
over me

I need something to say
I need someone to hold
Don't give your love for a day
Let the anchor take hold


I find myself getting more and more
vague in my subject matter lately.
It's like, there are these underlying
emotions that have been brewing
and changing all week, and when I
sat down on a Friday to try and form
a consice thought, many different
feeling fragments from the week
resurfaced and crammed to get into
one song, and I tried to make it a singular
thought, but really, it's a tangle of thoughts
and feelings, which is a good description
of my mental state lately, mixed with a
healthy dose of prayer and stablility though,
thankfully.

Well, it's a good starting point anyways.
God, I really do need you as my anchor.
As the Lori Chaffer (awesome songwriter
whose CD was recently burned for me -
I love it!) song goes, "Please don't let go
of me." Sometimes that's the best prayer
I can pray.

It is my hope and prayer that you are
holding on to God today and also finding
peace in the assurance that even when we
aren't strong enough to hold onto him, he
is strong enough to keep holding onto us
when we lose our grasp. His grasp is what
really counts. That sounds a bit Calvinistic,
and I don't know about all that, but I think
it is true. He saves us. We can't save
ourselves. He draws us with compassion
and grace and a love that is like a solid
anchor. If we recognize what he has done
for us, and how deep his love goes, how
could we ever escape him? Such a love
would haunt me forever if I ever tried to
run away from it.

Here's to that kind of a haunted house and
Halloween. Haunted by the immense love
of the God who created the universe and
sent his Son to save our lost race.

My most recent poetical meandering of
average quality.

From my journal to you:

I wanna go out shinning
in a blaze of Glory
All the cynical pessimists
won't know what to say
All the unfounded optimists
will have to look away

No one seems to love
in the same way I do
Look down from above or
from below, you'll misconstrue

Fall away
All these false illusions must fall away,
All my wrong conclusions will fall away,
Everything that is true has to stay,
Everything true will rise

It's a rainy Tuesday and all is well.

My sister Maralee is lovely and is all
set to adopt TWO boys from Africa.
Yes, it's finally happening. Praise God.

Breakthrough!

I've had a revelation folks, so listen up.
Tell me what you think of this, but it
seems that after my nap this afternoon
and after the experiences of this past
week...actually, this past year, God has
brought me to a new understanding.

Have I set you up for the impact of this
new idea enough? Ok, here it is...

We try to suck too much out of one
person. That's the problem. The
single and waiting person's motto
should be:

VARY IT UP!

Don't get stuck on one person or one
thought before you really know if this
one is meant to last or just to shed
further light on something.

Now, somebody tell me if I'm just going
off the deep end here, ok? I mean, I
don't want to just go crazy with this
philosophy and not take relationships
seriously, it's just that I think the
tendency to get burned in relationships
comes from relying too much on a dream
before you even know if it is at ALL based
in the kind of reality you could build your
life on.

I think everyone just needs to get out there
and meet lots of people and treat them as
a potential friend before getting lost in
treating them as a potential mate. That is,
unless God is leading you in that direction,
etc. I want monogomy to be the end goal
of all this, but until that situation presents
itself, if ever, I aim to keep my options
open and look at the paths that lie open
before me as objectively as possible, with
lots of input from lots of people who I know
care about me.

I want friends. Men, women, people I'm
related to, etc. I want lots of different
people in the body of Christ surrounding
my life in different ways, helping me to
be the light I was meant to be for Christ
to the world. Thank you God for good
friends. I have so many good friends with
whom I can talk and lean on, and they
lean on me as well. This is so BEAUTIFUL!
I want more of that....I just have to finish
all this STINKING homework first. grr.

Alright, thanks for reading.

I close with an incredible passage from Willard's
"Renovation of the Heart":

"..it is who we are in our thoughts, feelings,
dispositions, and choices - in the inner life -
that counts. Profound transformation there
is the only thing that can definitively conquer
outward evil.

It is very hard to keep this straight. Failure to
do so is a primary cause of failure to grow
spiritually. Love, we hear, is patient and kind.
Then we mistakenly try to be loving by acting
patiently and kindly - and quickly fail. We
should always do the best we can in action, of
course; but little progress is to be made in that
arena until we advance in love itself - the
genuine inner readiness and longing to secure
the good of others...

It is love itself - not loving behavior, or even
the wish or intent to love - that has the power
to "always protect, always trust, always hope,
put up with anything, and never quit" (1
Corinthians 13:7-8). Merely trying to act
loving will lead to despair and to the defeat of
love. It will make us angry and hopeless.

But taking love itself - God's kind of love -
into the depths of our being through spiritual
formation will, by contrast, enable us to act
lovingly to an extent that will be surprising
even to ourselves, as first. And this love will
then become a constant source of joy and
refreshment to ourselves and others....and not
an additional burden to carry through life, as
'acting lovingly' surely would be."

It is ONLY through the person of Jesus Christ
that we can be changed in this way. He sends
his own Spirit in our hearts to change us if
we are abiding in him.

God, help us to take you up on this, no matter
where we are at or what we are struggling to
conquer.

Reflection on Rejection

(I just wanted to write that)

So what else would Lisa be up
to this weekend then having
more drama? Well, that's not
ALL that happened this
weekend. I also went to a
Mystery Dinner Theatre at
KU with a friend and that was
super fun. I even won some
Play-Do!!!

Oh, but yeah, seems that I have
yet another male friend and
nothing more. It's good stuff
though, 'cause I guess things
were stressing him out, it just
wasn't the right context, or
something like that. I understand,
I really do. He's a good guy.

I had a great talk with a great
friend who cheered me up afterwards.
He seems to believe that I am a great
girl who will maybe one day find
someone I click with. Awesome.
I just want someone to believe that
for me when it's hard for me to.

Also, I absolutely love my mom.
Just had to share.

Friends, do not worry about me.
Tonight I have all the gifts in the
world a girl could ask for, inside
my soul, because of Christ.

"Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea
A great High Priest whose name is LOVE
Who ever lives and pleads for ME!"

I've been writing a bunch of songs
lately. It's fun. Also, I can officially
play some killer blues on the guitar,
and I even wrote my first blues song
last night on the guitar. It was called
"Lukewarm Love" and it was me venting.

Here's a song that just kind of fell out
of me last week that I'm still not sure
what it all meant. The music came
before the lyrics.

"Fall"

The battle lines are drawn
and I will fall
The shallow eyes of the law
will see me stand and watch me fall

I hold my breath to breathe
I close my eyes to see
And I will fall
And I will fall

I cry out in whispers
I scream out loud so I'm not heard
Don't look at me
with eyes that can't see
Don't look at me
with eyes that can't see

The battle lines are drawn
and I will fall
When painted smiles are gone
maybe then I won't fall

But right now I have to fall
catch me
Right now I want to fall
but don't let me
I need you to get me
I'm worried but please don't let me
die alone


It's kind of vague, I know. Make what you
want of it.

Gotta go work on that pending paper....or
maybe just go to sleep...
Ya know, I think 10 hrs. of Grad. school plus
22 students plus 3 hours of caretaking a week
is a bit too much for Lisa. Prayers would be
appreciated. I'll likely survive...

Blessings.
Oh, and by the way, I just have to share that
sometimes I get overwhelmed by confusion,
anxiety and despair, but God truly does hold
me up. When I take up my complaints with
him, somehow I know (Holy Spirit) that he is
there, desiring to help and guide me.

Rest in him. God is above our understanding,
but he reaches down to help us when we cry
out for it.