Yesterday I did something impulsive. On a whim, I
decided to go home. I wasn't going to because I'm
going to be home in a week anyway, but you see,
Mark and the gang came up from Texas to celebrate
Christmas early for various reasons, and so this year's
Christmas was set to be very small (Maralee and Brian
can't make it home either, or Loren), so I just had to
go. It was so great to be there and hear the kids play
piano, sing, and recite the Christmas story, and pretend
to be a kitty cat with Luke (random, I know).

Summary of happenings:

I'm getting a new job. At the start of next semester
I am going to go from Shelter Para to Behavioral
Disorder Para. Yipee!! I'm very excited becuase these
are the kids I already know and love, and now I'll just
get to work with them more instead of moving around
so much. The position opened up because one of the
B.D. Paras is quitting. This is a big answer to prayer
because it means 40 hrs. a week instead of 32.5. I
really could use the money.

I am on the verge of finishing "Howard's End" but
almost don't want to because I'm enjoying it so
much. The story and characters have entranced me.
Margaret and Helen, the Wilcox's, their differences,
the marriage between Magaret and Henry, the tension
that arises from Henry not being able to connect the
mistakes he has made with the sins of others he sees as
lower, lesser beings than he... It's fascinating.

I heard about ice storms in Georgia. Toccoa friends,
did this affect you?

I have been taking Folic Acid and sublingual vitamin
B12 for a couple weeks now (my mom read something
about its benefits for those who suffer mood swings /
mild depression) and I've noticed a change. It's not
huge, but it's like it takes the edge off of my downer
moods. They're not quite as low it seems. I am
very grateful about this. If you suffer from this as
well, I recommend looking into this natural solution.

I really enjoyed "The Chronicles of Narnia." The whole
thing with someone innocent dying in the place of a
traiter reversing the code of death - that was great.
I had never read the books, so this was my first
encounter with Lewis' creative children's masterpiece.
It was really good.

I wrote a song about telephone poles and played it at
the coffeehouse, along with Christmas and other songs.
It was fun.

Kristi had a great party at her house last Friday night. It
has been great getting to know 20's and 30's people more
and more....and learning to salsa dance a little in the
process. (emphasize "a little") Speaking of, I'm supposed
to go meet up with them for a little more Christmas
festivities at Rachel's house.

I leave you with a new song blurb, written in the car this
afternoon, remembering the drive to Lincoln Sat. night
in the snow, on lonely, scary, country roads.


There's a city carved out of the middle of nowhere Nebraska
Lincoln, you are my guiding star
Everything's cold as ice in the middle of December
Lincoln you shine like a frozen star

Guide me home - I've been lost out in the country
Guide me home on these dark and icy roads
Guide me home to a love that I can lean on
I keep coming back to you, even when you're cold

to this city carved out of the middle of nowhere Nebraska
Lincoln you are my guiding star
I've been melting in the warmth of the cities far below you
Lincoln you are like a frozen scar

Guide me home - I've been lost out in the country
Guide me home on your dark and icy roads
Guide me home to the love I've learned to lean on
I keep coming back to you even when you're cold
'cause you've got something that I need way down in your frozen soul

And in a couple of months it will all be set free to sing again
and I will come dance in the sun like a child

Renee and Abby - I can't wait to see you girls soon.
All the rest in various far away places - wish I could see you soon.
To all - Merry Christmas time!!!

I just have to share the good news first of all...
"NO SCHOOL TOMORROW!!!!"
Blessed snow. Tomorrow I will dance and perhaps
cook, and definately practice for my coffeehouse gig
coming up on Friday.

"So bring Him incense, gold and myrrh, come peasant, king, to own Him;
The King of kings salvation brings, let loving hearts enthrone Him.
Raise, raise this song on high, the virgin sings her lullaby:
Joy, joy for Christ is born, the babe, the son of Mary."

Lord, help us to have loving hearts. Teach us to love as you love.
Help us to follow the greatest command by loving you with all of
our beings.

I write these words tonight out of a great sense of my inadaquacy.
I cannot get along in the world very well some days.

But God, my soul reaches out for you, for something True, and
for hope. I believe there is hope to be found in you. I do, despite
the tears that came tonight over too many things I don't understand.

The world is so much bigger than me. Tonight there are people in
hospital beds who you are watching over and reaching out to. Bless
all those in real, actual need. And Lord, bless me too. I love you, help
me Father.

Once again I ask, though it seems audacious, please just
work everything out for me. However all of this mess in my brain can
best work out, let it come to pass just exactly that way, even if it means
more pain. Anything Lord, as long as it's from you.

"I'll take anything, anything genuine
and looking up from where I went
I can take whatever I get.
Falling from your hand or falling from your lips.
As long as it's from you I know I can take it, I can take it.
And I'll rejoice!"
--Smalltown Poets song

Friend, dear person, anyone reading this...
may you seek him in every blessed moment of every day,
and may the blessings be many. Let us long together for
that day of sweet release when our faith will be sight.

p.s. I will be just fine. :-) The moods, they change. Have
a good day, or try just a little.

I'm still here, just blog lazy.

I'm still thinking a lot, but I can't
write all of it here, and a summary
would be too disjointed and non-
conclusive, and I like to be at least
semi-conclusive. So...here's to life.

Tonight I have been reminded that
there is much more to life than the
things we see. The unseen is what
we are to focus on, for what is seen
is temporary, and what is unseen is
eternal (says Paul).

Even if you wonder about life, about
your life, about the meaning of the
present stage of your life, know this:
there are unseen forces at work, and
God knows everything that you need,
and what is best. And He is good. He
is faithful, loving, and good.

I'm just preaching to myself here, as
usual. Lord, how I need the Gospel
every day.

Have a good week, friend. Hey, and
take it easy.

Went to Texas with sister, mom and niece
to visit brother and family and see another
niece get baptized and to observe my
brother and family in their new surroundings
and to laugh with and at his children,
especially the younger two. It was so much
fun. So much that going back to my life was
a bit depressing.

Last Saturday night I played my first gig in
Lawrence. Want to know the sad truth?
My audience for the bulk of the two hour
block consisted of two old men who kept
talking to me in between songs about
unrelated topics, and one of them asked me
if he could play on my keyboard, so I let him,
and that was fine, but I was kind of hoping
there would be a few more people - maybe
a few younger ones - to share the experience
with.

Lessons learned: perform more around the 9-10
hour because that is when people seem to come
out on Saturday nights, and e-mail friends about
it more than a day before so you have a support
group.

I'm still glad I did it, though. Good times. I got
a free drink and black bean burger, so why complain?
And Naomi (darling girl) did show up at the end of
the set and I played her a love song. It was an
experience that will stay with me, and most likely
make me laugh in the future.

Confessions:
It was a chemically imbalanced weekend, meaning that I
just felt wrong inside for a large part of it. I don't know
what these feelings stem from exactly, but all of a sudden
tonight, having returned from Bible study, I feel much
better.

I kind of spent $150 on clothes from TJ Max on Sunday.
I was a bit depressed, and I don't know how much that
influenced my spending, but I'm taking a few things
back tomorrow. oops. (But I really did need the
athletic pants, and the cozy fleece, and the pants, and..
yikes) Also went to Wal-Mart and talked to some friends
for a while. It was nice. Poor Yan I found out used to live
in the apartment complex that burned down, so her life
has been crazy lately. She apologized for loosing my
number and not calling, but wow, I'm just glad she's alive.
Three people died in that fire. Emily's pregnancy is coming
along fine, though she is highly emotional sometimes
(we bonded over that topic), and Leroy and Casey are still
cute and fun, and Mark is sarcastic.

I close with some Wetmore quotes that I've lately revisited.

"The Priest is not a Priest for his sake, but for the sinner's
sake. God transferred the holy place from the temple to us
as a church body. Christ dwells in us (Col. 1:27). The
presence of God dwells in us.

We are not Priests so that we can approach God but so that
the world can approach God. How are we Priests? The
sacrifice we offer is Christ and we sacrifice ourselves to
show others what Christ's love looks like. It's by our love
that people see Christ.

No longer do we picture Christ through rituals, but through
offering our bodies as living sacrifices (Rom. 12). Now the
sacrifice is not what we do Sunday morning (the symbols,
rituals, etc.) but how we give up our lives every day. We
are a living temple. it is me giving my life for my neighbor,
blessing those who curse me, etc., in order that we might
show them Christ and what He has done.

This relates to prayer too. We don't pray to be Spiritual but
because God changes peoples' lives through our prayers.
God doesn't judge Spirituality by how much you pray but
by how much you love - are you in Christ? The "disciplines"
of the Christian life have to start with love."

Goodbye, friend. And hey, thanks for reading.

I am coming to terms a bit more with the fact
that although I never intend to be hurtful,
sometimes I am, and I have a responsibility
to learn from my mistakes and curb my odd
personality as best I can so as not to hurt
more people in the future.

Among the many birds that fly, I am an odd
bird in the sky.

I usually can't tell you how I'm really feeling
(feeling and thinking being two, inseparable
strands---at least I want them to be)
unless I have had some time to sit and write
for a while. Then I can tell you exactly how
I'm feeling (thinking). This causes problems
sometimes.

I can be a big pain, but I'm slowly working on it.
God help those who I unintentionally hurt. God
bless them because they are helping me to
realize myself. God help us all to change where
we need to.

If I have ever hurt or confused you, let me just
ask one more time,

please forgive me.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,
but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Each of you should look not only to your own interests,
but also to the interests of others."
(Phil. 2:3-4)

"Brothers, I do not consider myslef yet to have taken
hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind
and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward
the goal to win the prize for which God has called me
heavenward in Christ Jesus."
(Phil. 3:13-14)

I debated with myself, and decided to go ahead
and post this. Tell me if these lyrics are arrogant
or misguided.

Last night after coffee I drove to a random empty
parking lot and popped the trunk of my aztec
enough to get some light coming in from West
6th and sat in the back of my car, just thinking
for a long while. Then I wrote this (I added the
second half over breakfast this morning).

A Song About Women and Men, written by a woman
still single

I'm not looking for a man who wants to control me
I'm waiting for a man who just wants to know me
I'm searching for a man who knows how to show me
that he always has time for me

I just left a man who now thinks that I'm crazy
But isn't it strange he didn't think that before
I was so rational when I was his lady
That's what he thought till my love hit the door

But I don't think I changed, I think he didn't know me
He loved me because I seemed easy to control
And I was so convincing with the way that I kissed him
I even convinced my heart but not my soul

But his words sting in my ear, when after I tried to explain
he said, "You used me dear", and on and on he complained

So hate me baby for giving you a try
Paint your frustration as blue as the sky
But you'll never make me regret this day
I'm feeling mighty thankful with every word you say

Let me teach you something about women as a whole
We're much more flexible than any man could know
So don't be so surprised if I bend and I change
It's the way that I function, it's the way I was made

But most every woman needs a man who is strong
A man who is steady and secure, who she leans on
A man who's slow to change his opinion about her
for this petty reason, that she walked out the door

And maybe that seems like a lot to expect
But if you haven't noticed, we pay a lot for what we get
We know how to love like nothing's ever gonna change
Even though tomorrow we may not feel the same

And if you love us with a love that is steady and strong
We'll want to come back to it and the heart that such love comes from

So don't hate me baby for giving you a try
It's not like I wanted to let the feeling die
But I could sense the outline of a hole inside of you
that I just could not fit my whole self into

Philippians 4:12-13
"I am not saying this because I am in need, for
I have learned to be content whatever the
circumstances. I know what it is to be in need
and I know what it is to have plenty.
I have learned the secret of being content
in any and every situation, whether well fed
or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
I can do everything through him who gives me
strength."

I am clinging to this. That kind of peace and content
no matter the situation is available to me, and to you
as well, praise God. I am slowly beginning to feel it,
to sense His stirring inside when I am tempted to
complain over the confusion of life sometimes.

Here comes the honesty: So I went on a series of
dates last weekend that were really great with a guy
who seemed really great, but now it seems my inner
spirit is saying not to continue on this path.
God, I think I did the right thing tonight...but only
you know all and see all. Please, please, just don't let
me ruin my life.

Thoughts from "Mere Christianity" (very last part):

**Our society is so obsessed with the concept of
"finding yourself", but when we really get down
to the bottom of it, we realize that most of our
selves can be explained by our genetics and our
digestive system. I thought this was a funny way
of putting it, but really, how often are my bad
moods merely the result of what I ate for lunch or
how much sleep I got, or my own personal level
of stimulus overload being breached (I think I have
at least a slightly lower tolerance than most)? I may
not be as complex as I sometimes fancy myself as
being. I think Lewis has a point with that thought.

**God isn't impersonal or just personal - He is
superpersonal, and when we join with him we
don't so much lose ourselves as a drop of water
does into a stream or the ocean as we become,
somehow, MORE OURSELVES.

**We, as Christians, are to catch Christ's "good
infection" and become more like Him, as one
becomes more warm by nearing a fire, or more wet
by entering water.

Lewis is great with the analogies.

"Howard's End" is also turning out to be a good read,
but on a different level. Here's a (long) quote I liked:

"The sound of a lady's voice recalled him from
sincerity, and he said: 'Curious it should all come
about from reading something of Richard Jefferies.'
'Excuse me, Mr. Bast, but you're wrong there. It
didn't. It came from something far greater.'
But she could not stop him. Borrow was
imminent after Jefferies - Borrow, Thoreau, and
sorrow. R.L.S. brought up the rear, and the outburst
ended in a swamp of books. No disrespect to these
great names. They mean us to use them for sign-
posts, and are not to blame if, in our weakness, we
mistake the sign-post for the destination. He had
visited the county of Surrey when darkness covered its
ammenities, and its cosy villas had re-entered ancient
night. Every twelve hours this miracle happens, but he
had troubled to go and see for himself. Within his
cramped little mind dwelt something that was far
greater than Jefferie's books - the spirit that led
Jefferies to write them; and his dawn, though revealing
nothing but monotones, was part of the eternal sunrise
that shows George Borrow Stonehedge."

This thought rings true with me - the thought that life
is about something far deeper than books, movies, and
*gasp* even music. Those things can powerfully point
us towards life, or death, but they are only a pale shadow
of the beauty (or tragedy) that is in every human soul, every
day, if only we'll dig below our flesh to the place where our spirit
lives. This finding of beauty is, of course, only truly and fully
accomplished through the work of the Holy Spirit. It's only
by God's power in us that we can become MORE OURSELVES,
and help others to become more themselves as well.


Oh, and I have had some good days at school lately. My boys
have been keeping me busy helping them, but that is such a
good thing. I think they are starting to trust me a little more,
and aren't too threatened by my presence or my helping them.
Here's to more opportunites to build on that trust.

If you want to, pray for a troubled ninth grade boy I am
woking with. He got OSS (out of school suspension) again
today for losing his temper again.

I truly hope you are doing well. My prayer is that we all might
trust in the Lord and fill our minds and hearts with his Truth.
He hears even the smallest, weakest prayers and loves those
who are poor in spirit.

I'm going to work on some music stuff before the day is
through. Have a great day!

There have been many emotional ups and
downs since we last met. What? You're not
surprised? Well, they weren't THAT big...ok
maybe one of them was. You know me.

I had one really bad night of negative emotions,
about a week ago. There, I said it.

Now that that is out of the way...I am doing
well.

Here are some snippets of my life lately:

New brake pads: $320

Butternut Squash Au Gratin was made and
brought to apartment downtown to share with
new friends.

Because of Winn Dixie - cute movie aimed at
kids, but appealing to most.

Car battery died - AAA to the rescue!

A lovely evening with Naomi, an artist and art
teacher, sharing and talking at her old, two-story
white house in Valley Falls.

Some progress with my oh so tempermental and
troubled Al'Leon. He's still too cool for me, but
he's letting me help him now and then. :-)

Reading E.M. Forster's "Howard's End" for fun.
("Only connect!" says Forster.)

Once again came to a point of realization of my
need of grace, and the need to change aspects of
myself. Sometimes I take my own emotions too
seriously, instead of just accepting them and
keeping them in perspective. This lonliness will
not always be, and I've been told to give it one year.
I can do that. One year of building a foundation of
relationships and familiarities. One year of occasional
lonliness.

Song blurb:
So what if no one remembers my name
and so what if nobody sees the real me
This life is more than some long shot at fame
and I have a Father who believes in me

What is life, what is life, what is life, what is life
if it's not my own?
What is life, what is life, what is life, what is life
if I can't just be alone?

Suddenly realized that I'm still just a kid in many ways.

Felt like an old lady. (I like to stay home and cook things
instead of going out many times)

Salmon Rushdie lecture at the Lied Center: free
I disagreed with tons that he said, but it was still interesting,
I mean, it is Salmon Rushdie we're talking about here. But
man, he was really insulting to anyone who's not an atheist.
Coffee afterwards with Eric and subsequent walking downtown
was quite enjoyable. Yeah for new friends who want to one
day be President, or maybe a Senator and enjoy the music of
U2.

Listened to Coldplay - "Parachutes" and enjoyed it very much.

Watched "Hotel Rwanda" because Renee told me to, and am
very glad she did. Sad, sad, and I had no idea about all of
that. How can that stuff happen? How can people hate so
much that they want to wipe out a whole race? What can
we do to help? I recommend watching it.

Recieved a DVD of a beautiful wedding that I had the honor
of being a part of.

Listened to some Mozart String Quartets.

Had some interesting talks with Jamie on many many topics
that kind of jumped all over the place in a funny little way.

Got a letter from my oldest friend (age of our friendship,
that is), Alison Maloney, and enjoyed it so so much. So
sweet and such encouraging words on the topic of my
Kansas venture.

Got a letter from dearest Bethany from boot camp and
my day was brightened with intensest light. (I've been
waiting to use the word "intensest" after reading it in
"Howard's End". I hope I'm using it acceptably. Oh,
and I like "encroaching" too, from something else I
read.)

Fell in love with Fall and Moroccan Mint Green Tea at
Milton's Cafe.

Today I am struck with the beauty of my life - the wonder
of being so free and so blessed. Lord, make me a channel
of blessing. I wrote this in my journal today:
"What can it profit for one girl to be so full of passions?
Oh God, take all of me, breathe through every restless
longing and burning desire with your fierce breath of life."
Sometimes I am overwhelmed with all the things I want
to do, and want to do well, and I want to do them all at once,
but I can't. But I can do one thing at a time, and sometimes
even two or three. And that will have to do.

Goodnight. Next time I may have some C.S. Lewis quotes
that I don't have time for right now.

Eat squash - preferrably Butternut or Acorn, ok? It's good.
And take nice long walks when you can. I'm due for one.

Celebrate the Fall!

I would really appreciate prayer from my Christian
brothers and sisters, so if you have a spare minute,

I am getting two new boys tomorrow with two
unique personalities and sets of life circumstances
...and I am very inadaquate to handle difficult Jr.
High boys. I'm hoping and praying that God will
give me wisdom to help and bless these boys I
will meet in the morning.

Thank you. :-)

Oh, and I had a good and very social weekend. :-)
Fun times with 20's and 30's group people.

Grace (my church) hosted a concert for the group
"Indellible Grace" last Sunday, and I was very
blessed by it. I bought one of their CD's and would
recommend them highly for some great inspiration.
The group takes old, wonderful hymn texts and sets
them to mostly new music. They lyrics are what really
does it for me. The music is good as well, though I
probably wouldn't mind some of the old tunes staying
a little more the same. But they've done a nice job of
updating the style and keeping the words central.

OK, I guess I'm over it. You can all breath a huge sigh of
relief, or something.

My troubled Josh didn't show up for school today. He
was the first. I heard it would happen. One day they're
there, the next, you find out they've been moved from
the shelter for one reason or another. So I won't get
to work with him anymore. No more bad attitude, anger,
rage, pulling my chair out from under me and laughing
as I fall in front of a crowd of people, rude comments,
accidental exposures of deep insecurities, rare and
sporadic hugs, and contagious energy and bounding
down the hall and hiding behind doors and lockers so
he can jump out and "scare" me. Josh, I will miss you.
God, please be with him.

For all his flaws, working with Josh made the day very
interesting. There are still four other interesting cases,
so it will be ok.

Ya know, there's a whole lot I COULD write in here,
such as recent reflections from "Mere Christianity"
(wonderful stuff - we're reading through it in Bible
study), but...well, here's a summary:

You know how when you don't FEEL like being nice
or friendly, but you know you should, you can sort of
just start pretending that you do feel like it, and then
after a while, you actually DO feel like it? You kind of
pretend your way into doing what you deep down
want to do. Well, it's kind of like that with not
FEELING like you are a new creation in Christ who is
holy and blameless. You just start pretending at
first, but the big difference and failure of the analogy
is that Christ comes in and by His power makes you
a new creation who truly IS holy and blameless. But
you have to start from a point of being a desire-driven
sinner who ackowledges their sin, but then chooses to
believe that now, through Christ, they ARE new, and
start acting on this knowledge, though sort of timidly
and falteringly at first.

That's according to Lewis. Man, it's good stuff. A lot
more than I can summarize here. There's also this
analogy about rats in the basement, and how when
you find yourself reacting badly to something but
justify it with "well, I was just caught off gaurd", you
have to realize that circumstances don't create our
bad reactions, they only reveal what was already there.
Just like suddenly coming into your house reveals to
you that there are rats in the basement when you hear
them scurrying away, but your coming in suddenly didn't
create the rats.

Here's a quote:
"It is not a question of a good man who died 2000 years
ago. It is a living Man, still as much a man as you, and still
as much God as He was when He created the world, really
coming and interfering with your very self; killing the old
natural self in you and replacing it with the kind of self
He has. At first, only for moments. Then for longer periods.
Finally, if all goes well, turning you into a different sort of
thing; into a new little Christ, a being which, in its own small
way, has the same kind of life as God; which shares in His
power, joy, knowledge and eternity."

I LOVE IT!!!

And on a more personal note: I am doing very well. Some
days I do feel pretty lonely, but it hasn't been at all close to
unbearable, ya know? Slowly I am making connections and
feeling validated in small but meaningful ways. And God
truly is always there beside me, and even when I don't feel
it, knowing is still enough to get me through those moments.

I actually have a tentative date for next Thursday night. Ok,
ok, so it's a date with a really nice GIRL from church. hee hee,
but she seems SUPER sweet and fun, and she's a high school
art teacher. How cool is that? We seem to really click.

OK, and this is how awesome my church is - we sang these song
snippets last sunday (except ALL the verses):

"Jesus, I my cross have taken, all to leave and follow Thee;
Destitute, despised, forsaken, Thou from hence my all shalt be.
Perish every fond ambition, all I've sought or hoped or known;
Yet how rich is my condition, God and heaven are still my own.

Let the world despise and leave me, they have left my Savior too;
Human hearts and looks deceive me; Thou art not, like them, unture;
Oh, while Thou dost smile upon me, God of wisdom, love and might,
Foes may hate and friends disown me; show Thy face, and all is bright."

(from "Jesus, I My Cross Have Taken")

"Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus, I behold Thee as Thou art,
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless, satisfies my heart;
Satisfies its deepest longings, meets, supplies its every need,
Compasseth me round with blessings: Thine is love indeed!

Ever lift Thy face upon me as I work and wait for Thee;
Resting 'neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus, earth's dark shadows flee.
Brightness of my Father's glory, sunshine of my Father's face,
Keep me ever trusting, resting, fill me with Thy grace."

(from "Jesus, I Am Resting, Resting)

These songs so remind one of the passage about exhorting
one another with all wisdom as you sing spiritual songs to
one another, or however it goes.

Alright, alright. I'm done already. :-) I can be so excessive,
and then so silent. I am a moody blogger. Who am I kidding,
I'm just kind of a moody person in general. ur, uh, yeah that's
me alright. Oh Lord, don't you know it.

And on that strange note, (I think it was an E sharp) I will bid
you all goodnight.

I enjoyed your blog / xanga tonight.

Thanks for posting. And I wish that we could
freeze time and all get together and talk about
our internal monologues and how they relate to
the greater sphere of humanity and God. But I
am here, and you are there, and life is odd.

I'm going through a weird "I don't feel lilke blogging" thing
that I probably will recover from.

Everything seems too personal these days. Don't know why.
Not exactly.

But I will say this. Autumn is almost here. I like the gradual
changes of seasons. Comforting. Always changing, but
always somehow the same.

A thought: do you suppose that in prayer we really can, in
a sense, still have fellowship with one another? I would like
that to be true. It would help me to feel connected to people
I'm away from more, and it would give me greater motivation
for consistent prayer. Maybe...

Thanks for bearing with me. I'm not very cool sometimes.
I'm a weakling. I just need to say it, 'cause I cry a lot, and
then feel better, and wonder if I'm at all normal. Goodnight.

(Renee, thanks for calling. Abby, I need to call you and hear
about modeling or not in NYC. Jenny, thanks for calling and
I should call you back. You’re a dear. Jamie, I hope you’re
doing alright. I should call you maybe soon. Mark, hope
things in Texas are stabalizing or improving. Jim, hope the
semester is goig great. Others who may read this, I wish
you the very best.)

Been busy.
Life is good.
My jobs are good.
I like my life, for the most part,
and I like talking to God and
talking with other Christians
about how God's love is like a
showering of water so great
that you have to

brace yourself

for it. Awesome. May it be
a realization that makes a difference
in my life. May I act out on the
knowledge of Your Grace, Lord, and
shine with peace and love.

Hope you are well. I most likely prayed
for you tonight...well, for a lot of you. I'll
catch the rest later. :-)

Fade, fade each earthly joy, Jesus is mine
Break every tender tie, Jesus is mine.
Dark is the wilderness, earth has no resting place
Jesus alone can bless, Jesus is mine.

(one of my favorite Hymns)

Start your post off with some thought-
provoking quotes, and your readers will
cheer! Well, I like these quotes anyway.
What do you think?

"A cynic knows the price of everything
and the value of nothing."
--Oscar Wilde

"All of human unhappiness comes from
one single thing; not knowing how to
remain at rest in a room."
--Blaise Pascal


"The man who loves mystery
is the only kind of man for me,
for this life is not always a cinch
and my soul is like a labyrinth."
--Lisa Enns

OK, that last one was just something I wrote
in my journal. Do "cinch" and "labyrinth" pass
off as a rhyme alright? On paper it's kind of
odd, but with the tune I think it might work out.

Maybe I could meet you, really meet you.
Maybe it would all be wonderful from start
to end. Maybe I've never known what I could
know with you. Or maybe my hopes are just
higher than the harsh reality of living down
here in the real world. Am I high, or is everyone
else just low, trying to con me into a life that
isn't really what I envision my life as being?

This is what I have to believe:

Sometimes things WILL work out
just the way they should.
Most times things will work out
the way you knew they would.
So have a little faith in yourself
and the words that come from your soul.
But most of all have faith in God
and give up all control.

Yes, this post is filled with recent Lisa song blurbs
being passed off as other things.

Here is my last song blurb. (At some later date I
will decide which of these blurbs deserve to be
developed into full fledged songs)

(Dear God)
"You know that I know my life in in Your hands,
so take this day and do with it what only You can."

My head is full of melodies that keep me company
and give shape to my otherwise jumbled thoughts.
Isn't that fun? la la la music and words.

Here is the lisaadvice for the day:
Be thankful for all the tremendous blessings you enjoy
every day without even thinking, like
*FOOD *A JOB *HEALTH etc.
Not to mention
*FREEDOM and *THE BIBLE and *THE HOLY SPIRIT
INDWELLING ME and *JESUS WHO INTERCEDES FOR ME
especially in light of those in the south who are without
food, shelter, water, their normal lives, etc.

These are things I sometimes have to remind myself of
when I am tempted to groan about my current job
(only one more week though).

We are SSSOOO blessed, don't you agree?
Must remember to pray, that we would be truly thankful,
and pray for those who are in need. Remember to pray,
Lisa, to really pray.

Goodnight my friend. I am so glad that you are out there,
being you. Till we meet again....

Hello there blog reader.

Here's my personally insightful comment of the
week from a Wal-Mart co-worker:

"You are the most genuinely happy person I've
ever met, and it's baffling. Every time I see you
you're beaming, and that's not necessarily a bad
thing."

Thanks Leroy. That totally made my day. I told
him it was probably a combination of the fact that
my mother is about the most happy person on earth,
and the whole God thing and having that settled. I
didn't want to sound all Christiany with cliches and
lingo, but at the same time, I wanted to give credit
where credit is due. That's been something I've
been thinking about, and talking to Renee about,
you know, how to be a witness, but in a genuine way
that won't turn people off who have a pre-concieved
notion about Christians.

I have found myself missing my TFC people lately, I
think because I am only just beginning to form new
friendships, and there is this longing and this pain for
friendships of old that have strong foundations as
opposed to these new friendships that could teeter
over in a breath or start to grow, but slowly.

When you are removed from people you are close to,
you lose a part of yourself that was wrapped up with
those people. You must now face the pain of having
to start over with other friends, nurishing an
unsubstantiated hope that there will be positive relational
fruit that comes from your input. But what is there to be
afraid of? Nothing, Lisa, nothing. For there have been
immense failures in the past, but when you look back, they
weren't really failures, because God has worked everything
and is working everything out for good. Not confusion, but
God's clarity will have the last word in these matters; this I
firmly believe, even though some nights I cry, wishing that
all things would be clear right now.

I confess, sometimes I wish I knew the answer to the question,
"Am I ever going to get married, and to whom, and at what
time?" But not having a clue about these things is ok. It is
ok because life is a lot bigger than that question alone. It is
ok because I have a sense of purpose, I have close friendships,
and God always hears me and is with me, even in my despair.
It is ok, because I know that my situation is an incredibly blessed
and advantaged one, and that many would trade places with me,
a healthy young female with many opportunities ahead of her,
and not hindered in any way from seeking out life the way
life presents itself to her from deep inside her soul.

It is good for me to face this now. It is good for me to reflect
on my life and consider my present state and come to terms
with all the possible outcomes.

I have GGGGRRREEEEAAAAATTTT news.

I have put in my two weeks notice at Wal-Mart and am taking
a 32 hr. a week job at West Jr. High being a Paraeducator. I am
going to be working with students from a Boys Shelter who are
in transition from their bad home situations and being placed
in foster care. I will work with them in the regular classroom
setting and will assist them with their studies where it is needed,
and will also just serve as a friend to them during this tough,
transitional time. That sounds so much more fulfilling and nice
than Cashiering!! Thank you Lord for this wonderful opportunity.
Also, the Jr. High has a great music department, and I might be
able to help out with some of that stuff, especially in the Spring
show, because of my music background.

Also, I'm going to be teaching piano lessons through the Lawrence
Piano Studio, which just happens to be about a 1 minute walk from
my apartment (no joke). God, you are amazing. Talk about good
location! And West Jr. High is only a few minutes away as well.
Guess I don't have to worry too much about those pesky gas prices.

Here is something from a book for single women that I've been
reading here and there.

"Where Is Happiness?

I feel that this is the question every young woman should
try to answer, even if she thinks she is well on her way to the
altar. To deal with the question is to acknowledge that she
has an identity and a definition other than as a potential wife.
It is to take seriously her own existence as a responsible
adult. It is to recognize that God relates to women directly,
not only through men. While these items for recognition are
obviousl on an intellectual level, they are not all that obvious
when we are struggling with our emotions.

One reason it is important to decide where you are going
and how is that your mind can accommodate only so many
things at once. If you are concentrating on goals and growth
and relationships, you won't have as much time to dwell on
what you don't have. Also, when you are confident that you
are going someplace, you feel a sense of purpose and are less
likely to enter new situations and meet new people with the
raw edge of hope that "maybe this will be the day, this will
be the person." Such a poignant anxiety communicates itself,
whether you want it to or not.

A woman who is forever waiting comes across as dependent.
This may have been attractive in Jane Austen's day,
but it is far less so today. We live in a fast-paced information
society that assumes we have access to the information we
need to make things happen for us. There is little patience
with people who wait for things to happen to them.

A complication for many young women is that they were
raised to think that they were supposed to wait for Prince
Charming to come and kiss them into real life. Then they,
like Pinocchio, would become real people. They, like Cinderella,
perhaps misunderstoods, unappreciated, wouldn't have to
fear, because the prince would come along eventually
and be an exact match...

Somehow we have based out theology on Aladdin's magic
lamp more than on the Scriptures, on the flying carpet more
than on God's glass of reflection. This leads us to expect and
ask all manner of things that are contradictory to one another
and out of sync with life. When our prayers are not answered,
we know someone is to blame, probably God. Or maybe
ourselves, because we didn't pray right, or didn't have
enough faith, or weren't good enough or attractive enough, or
didn't have the right parents, and so on.

One indicator of maturity is the ability to face reality. Since
there are more women than men of marriageable age, we
must assume that many women are not going to find
husbands. Some of the best women, in fact. I hope that as you
examine the realities of your life, you will also examine God's
ways with people, as shown to us in the Bible, and come to
understand those principles which apply to life today.

If ever there was a woman who had reason to be unhappy...
it was Helen Keller. Yet somehow - through the love of family
and by the grace of God - she came to peace and to fullness of
life. She expressed her thoughts in these moving words:

Happiness cannot come from without.
It must come from within.
It is not what we see and touch
Or that which others do for us
which makes us happy;
it is that which we think and feel and do,
first for the other fellow
and then for ourselves."

What an amazing passage from a very insightful book! It has helped
me to read this, and I hope it has helped you in some way, even if
you're not a single woman. The principles still speak loudly to all of
us I think.

Thanks for stopping by, and have a great day! You are a darling person.

(This morning's park journal entry)

I had never understood what Romans
6:14-25 was really talking about, at least
not in the way I think I understand it now,
until last Monday when Tim had someone
read that passage during Bible study.
Something clicked. For the first time I
caught a glimpse of the flesh and how it
is indeed, through Christ, a separate entity
from the true me. For it is true that I have
every wish and want to to behave in an
entirely holy and upright fashion that, in
spite of my wishing, I often do not.

"For what I do is not the good I want to do;
no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep
on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to
do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin
living in me that does it." (Rom. 7:19-20)

But in my Christian life I had always held
a sense of shame within myself for the
many times I failed, because I thought
that any failure to walk by the Spirit and
instead behave in a fleshly, desirous manner
indicated that I, at my core, must really want
to sin, and this even in the face of Christ's
sacrifice.

But no! Because of Christ, I am now separate
from the desires of my flesh and desire only
to live by the Spirit, and am given the Holy Spirit
to walk with me and help me to make these new
desires reality. THIS IS NOW WHO I AM, IN CHRIST.

I, Lisa Enns, do not wish to fulfill the lusts of
this decaying world of flesh that lead to death.
I do not desire "sexual immorality, impurity
and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred,
discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition,
dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness,
orgies and the like." (Galations 5:19-21)

And when I stumble, there is repentance and
forgiveness and cleansing available. This is a
gradual removing of grave clothes and putting
on of a new self.

If anything I am saying is way off, please set me
straight, honestly. :-) This was my recent
revelation. There is no place for daily guilt and
shame. Humility, yes, but not shame over the
deeds of the flesh that I am daily and gradually
dying to.

Praise God that, "Therefore, there is now no
condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus"!
That is a great passage (Rom. 8).

Today was a really great day off. I had an
interview at the Lawrence Piano Studio, and it looks
like I'm going to teach there probably ten hours a
week. If I get this paraeducator job working with
Autistic children that I've applied for, then I can
quit Wal-Mart altogether! No more standing on
my feet for 8 hours. Hopefull, anyway. I am
thankful though for the job for the time being.
Yes, yes, thankful.

Why was today good, you ask?
Feeling emotionally balanced.
A morning walk with light rain.
Good journal, Bible, reading time.
Good interview.
Good nap.
Good peanut butter cookie making.
Good time playing the beautiful
Steinway at the Signs of Life coffee house.
Lady asking me for piano lessons at the
coffee house and getting her number.

The only thing missing was you, my friend. :-)
Hope you're having a good day.

Here's what I would like to say:
God loves to answer prayers and intercede for us
when it is in accordance with his will. His will is perfect.
We should make our requests known and then trust Him.

Also, Lord, may I not get too caught up in my own little
world.

One last thought:
You can't know what's in your heart
'till you step out on the water.

Go, be fruitful and multiply. (what?)
Ur, uh, I mean....be joyful and smile! Yeah.
Just be real.

I am marinating, just like cucmbers in vinegar.
So if you wonder where I'm at, what I'm doing
with my life, where I'm going...all I can say is
I'm marinating.

Can you dig it?

It is 7:30 pm and I've been either shopping for
food or cooking food ALL DAY. for real.

So far I've made my first two loves of homemade
bread ever (whole wheat with oregano, chives,
thyme and basil), Vegetable Bean Noodle Bake,
and Dilled (actually chived and rosmarried for
lack of Dill weed) Cucumber Salad - all recipes
from the wondrous cookbook, "Laurel's Kitchen".

Yesterday I went to Clinton Lake State Park for the
first time before work and walked a trail for a while.
It is an absolutely gorgeous park with a beautiful
lake view. And it's only about 10 minutes away!!

I am composing a budget for myself these days.
No more fun musical compositions till this one is
done. Welcome to the real world.

Turns out I am not going to have any extra cash
from my Wal-Mart salary. But it's enough.

Thank you to all my dear friends who have been
an encouragement to me lately. You may not
even know it. Maybe it was just the thought of
you, or a memory. Thank you. I remember the
mood of people, their aura, and all at once my
spirit is lifted. This also happens at work sometimes
when I catch the eye of some unsuspecting child,
and they smile at me, totally unaware of any social
pressures or worries. Their eyes are so full of
hope and trust. It is these kinds of interactions
and those moments of recalling people who have
touched my life that give me strength. It is
remembering all I have in Christ and His loving
care and concern for me. It is His Word.

Abby - I worry about you sometimes. I want to
confess this now. I have prayed for and thought
about you lately because I have been thinking
about my own financial situation and just hope
that you're not going to be overburdening yourself
financially during this time in a manner that will
be hard to overcome. I so hope this isn't the outcome.
I will be so happy if it all turns out awesome, but I
just want to tell you that I'm a bit worried for you.
I'm sorry, I can't help it. It's just so much money.
Oh, but I guess NYU is a once in a lifetime experience
where you will have exposure to all kinds of
opportunities, and who knows where they will lead?
Just promise me you'll get out if you discover it's not
just right for you or if it's just too much pressure and
financial strain, ok?

Sorry, I needed to get that out, I think.

Bethany, I am excited for you and your new life
adventure in the Army!! I hope boot camp is just
fabulous...or at least not as bad as one might imagine.
Jenny and I both agree though, if anyone could do it,
Bethany can.

Hello to everyone else TFC and otherwise related!!

Renee, let's both try to enjoy our jobs and lives during
this transitional, growing time of marination.

Jamie, sorry I haven't written you back yet. I've been
thinking that we should maybe talk on the phone next
time because e-mail can only go so far to convey the
full extent of meaning, and I honestly don't know what
to say at this point. Not in a bad way...I just need some
time to think I guess.

OK, we are now exiting the honesty room.

Welcome to the dishonest part of my blog where I lie
about everything....

now things are just getting silly. I think I should go. :-)

Good-bye for now you beautiful souls. :-)
Sing a song for me.

Hello. I'm back from Georgia, where at least some
people know more than two things about me.

I'm back in Kansas where a handful of people, most
of whom work at Wal-Mart, know that I am Lisa, and
possibly one other random fact about me. But that's
ok. I'm just a little tired tonight.

Lord, breathe meaning into my life. I know you are
with me, but it is hard to focus my mind some days.
Help me to focus my mind on you, on the the things
above, even while at work.

Jill McAfee challenged me with something while in
Georgia. It is something she referred to as "voracious
reading" of the Word. It is a concept in which you
approach reading the Bible like you would approach
reading a novel - straight through - and then over
and over again through the course of many years.
Just reading the Word of God and believing...it's a
simple, essential, beautiful thing.

Tonight I am tired and could use some encouragement.
I'm just being honest here. I'm doing alright, though.

A thought: Life is so confusing, not because it really
is right now, but because it makes sense only when
I look at it backwards. It's like a sentence in a mirror.
You try to read it, but you don't understand it fully
until you get to the end and then put the pieces
together.

I'm at a really odd part of that sentence. Post-
college, pre-grad. school and who knows what else.
I just need someone who knows me to look me in the
eye and say, "It's ok, Lisa. You're on the right track,
and this grunt work is going to pay off later. And by
the way, I'm proud of you and I know you're more than
a Wal-Mart cashier who once lived in Nebraska and
went to Bible college in Georgia. You are Lisa."

OK, thanks for the pep-talk, self. But it's not just a
self pep-talk. It is the combined voices of all the
people in my life who love and care about me. So
thank you, blog reader, for being someone positive
in my life.

Lord, I need you so much.

One last thing. "Cinderella Man" is a GREAT movie.
I recommend it. Doesn't beat "Life is Beautiful" as
my favorite, but it was still excellent.

To all the dreamers, the loving ones, the encouragers,
aka, all my friends who read this, here is a great verse:

"My dear children, for whom I am again in the pains of
child-birth until Christ is formed in you...."
--Galatians 4:19a

What a passion!

May Christ be formed in you, and formed in me. Amen
and goodnight.

Mmmm..I like stuffed chard leaves.

Maybe I'm on the verge of something, something
Maybe it's a gradual uncovering.
Maybe it's somewhere in between
Maybe things are never what they seem

There's a difference between what I do
and who I am
There's a lot that my body can't do
that my mind can comprehend
So who am I?
Where am I found?
What am I capable of
in this town?

Razor blades and make-up
are getting me in trouble today
Rainy days won't wake up
unless you've got something to say
But in the eyes of children
there is a strength that teaches to pray

I'm a very specific kind of woman
I need a very specific kind of man
Someone strong enough for me to lean on
Someone who will take me by the hand
before it's too late

I'm a very specific kind of woman
I need a very specific kind of man
And if I never find the one my heart adores
I'll be grateful for what I have
I have every Spiritual blessing in Christ
I have a chance to really live my life


What in the world was all that? Just a bunch of
journal / song snippets from the past week or so.
It's a look inside my brain and some of the things
that run around upstairs while the world is visiting
downstairs. Sometimes I'm upstairs, sometimes
downstairs, but I'm always conscious of both.

There is a park near Wal-Mart where I can take
my Aztek and my lunch and have a happy break
hour, and that is sssssoooo nice!! The birds were
noisy and the sky was clear today.

My permanent retainer is poking me inside my
mouth! ouch. Need to get that fixed.

Abby is going to New York right now.

I had to kill a spider in the bathroom last night.

Hi, friend. Thanks for catching up on Lisa's Lawrence
world. You are nice and I like you. :-) Have a nice day.

I will be in Georgia for a short amount of time, to play in
Jim and Stephanie's wedding. Fun times.

Praise God, who has heard my prayer.

I have found a wonderful church called
Grace Evangelical Presbyterian Church.
This morning the visiting speaker who
is a missionary in China I believe, gave
a Sermon on Samuel, whose name means
"God hears." It was Biblical, thought-
provoking, and well spoken, though not
flashy.

Afterwards, the lady who hired me at
Wal-Mart, who I had a sneaking suspicion
was a believer, came up behind me and
excitedly exclaimed "Hi Lisa!" Then she
introduced me around, and another sweet
lady gave me a tour of the church and told
me all about a great 20s and 30s group
that meets on Monday nights, and about
how Biblically based the church is.

This is a church I think I could belong to,
and gratefully so. Thank you, Lord!!

I had a wonderful Friday night and Saturday
with my dear mother, sister Mae and niece
Mary. They were my first visitors, and their
visit was such a blessing to me. It is great
to have family with whom you can talk openly
and honestly with, and pray, laugh, and even
sing with. I can't believe Mae had never
played Scattegories before. It was great fun.
Mom won, which isn't surprising. (And this
was despite all my creative efforts. Hey, I
think an Octopus hat must exist as an article
of clothing, somewhere! And Guacamole gone
bad really is something I am afraid of sometimes,
ya know, like when I've made some good Guac.
and it's getting old, but I don't want it to...I try)

Speaking of mom, I would ask any of you
who feel led to keep her in your prayers for
matters concerning her health, specifically
her heart. We're still not completely sure
how serious it is, but in two weeks she will
be undergoing some treatments and possibly
surgery to deal with some blockage in her heart.
This is a scary time for her, but she is placing
her full trust in God through this. I know it isn't
always easy for her though. Please pray for
peace and protection, and true strength for
whatever lies ahead.

Have a great Sunday. :-)

"Hey washboard girl!"
I kept walking, comment not registering.
"Hey...Spider Woman!"
Registers as the name on the back of my
TFC intramural Basketball T-shirt.
I turn around. Then it all clicks.

I went to this "Americana Music Academy
Saturday Jam" last Saturday, just to listen,
but ended up being recruited to play the
washboard along with the ensemble.
And then tonight at the "Signs of Life"
coffee house, on my way up to the Art
Gallery which I hadn't gotten around to
seeing yet, I am, for the first and likely
last time in my life referred to as
"washboard girl." What an unexpected
honor.

I love this town.

Also, working at Wal-Mart I think will be
OK.

I am taking one day - well, more like one
hour - at a time in this crazy new existence
I have been carving out for myself. I am
looking forward, forward, squinting my
eyes into the blinding light, but not
making any bold speculations about
anything. I can't see clearly beyond the two
feet below me that are happily trodding
along, trusting in the One who I trust
to command these roving feet.

Happy day to you.

Dance and sing, read and listen to books on
tape, pray, read the Word, pray, eat well,
do your best to make sense out of life, but
don't worry when your best attempts are so
depressing you just have to cry. That is my
advice to myself that I am trying to take.

Give up all control. Whatever you're holding
onto is just an illusion of control anyway.
Let go, let go, be free from the anxiousness
that eats at you when you're trying to feel
like you have power, that you matter, more
than you do or you ought. OK, Lisa? OK,
I'm trying. It's ok to have no control, no
power, to not matter. In fact, it is in realizing
this that I can be truly free. Is that corretct
thinking? Hmm...

I don't matter in and of myself. Christ living in
me...now that matters. Laying down my life for
the sake of others (oh, show me how), that matters.
Lord, help me. And help all of us to see you more
clearly every day, and enjoy you every day, in
everything we do.

Amen. Goodnight.

A new blog, a new life, a new start.

So far, some days I feel alive and hopeful, some days I feel
alone and unkown. But I've been told to expect to battle
lonliness for at least the first few months.

I miss you all. Yesterday I was thinking about people in my
past on and off all day, specifically Toccoa people like
Bethany, Kelley, Jamie, Jenny, Sarah and Kristin, Kims, etc.
I miss you, and hope you are all doing well. Forgive me if
I've been lax in contacting anybody reading this. I think life
will start to normalize in the next few weeks (well, I'm hoping).

I don't have a job yet, but I have some options. I'm trying to
decide between full-time at Wal-Mart (they offer good benefits
and flexibility) or some kind of part-time deal with this coffee
shop I just interviewed at and another part-time waitressing job,
or something like that. I'm hoping it will just kind of figure itself
out as I pursue all the options the best I know how. Please pray
for God's will to be done in my life.

God has been blessing my spirit in so many ways, even through
some tough moments lately. I know He is always with me, and
even when I'm so confused about which way to go, and even
when I feel like such a foolish child, I know deep down in my
soul that I am never alone.

Here is a Caedmon's Call song (from "In The Company of Angels"
CD) that helped me more than I can explain when it "randomly"
came up on my iTunes party shuffle while I was at a low point.

Laden With Guilt
words by Isaac Watts, music by Sandra McCracken

Laden with guilt and full of fears
I fly to Thee my Lord
And not a glimpse of hope appears
But in Thy written word
The volumes of my Father's grace
Does all my grief's assuage
Here I behold my Savior's face
In every page

This is the field where hidden lies
The pearl of price unkonwn
That merchant is divinely wise
Who makes the pearl His own
Here consecrated waters flow
To quench my thirst of sin
Here the fair tree of knowledge grows
No danger dwells within

This is the judge that ends the strife
Where wit and reason fail
My guide to everlasting life
Throughout this gloomy vale
O may Thy counsels, mighty God
My roving feet command
Nor I forsake the happy road
That leads to Thy right hand

I am so excited for all the lessons and experiences that
lie ahead! Year one in Lawrence, KS...begin!