I am coming to terms a bit more with the fact
that although I never intend to be hurtful,
sometimes I am, and I have a responsibility
to learn from my mistakes and curb my odd
personality as best I can so as not to hurt
more people in the future.

Among the many birds that fly, I am an odd
bird in the sky.

I usually can't tell you how I'm really feeling
(feeling and thinking being two, inseparable
strands---at least I want them to be)
unless I have had some time to sit and write
for a while. Then I can tell you exactly how
I'm feeling (thinking). This causes problems
sometimes.

I can be a big pain, but I'm slowly working on it.
God help those who I unintentionally hurt. God
bless them because they are helping me to
realize myself. God help us all to change where
we need to.

If I have ever hurt or confused you, let me just
ask one more time,

please forgive me.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,
but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Each of you should look not only to your own interests,
but also to the interests of others."
(Phil. 2:3-4)

"Brothers, I do not consider myslef yet to have taken
hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind
and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward
the goal to win the prize for which God has called me
heavenward in Christ Jesus."
(Phil. 3:13-14)

I debated with myself, and decided to go ahead
and post this. Tell me if these lyrics are arrogant
or misguided.

Last night after coffee I drove to a random empty
parking lot and popped the trunk of my aztec
enough to get some light coming in from West
6th and sat in the back of my car, just thinking
for a long while. Then I wrote this (I added the
second half over breakfast this morning).

A Song About Women and Men, written by a woman
still single

I'm not looking for a man who wants to control me
I'm waiting for a man who just wants to know me
I'm searching for a man who knows how to show me
that he always has time for me

I just left a man who now thinks that I'm crazy
But isn't it strange he didn't think that before
I was so rational when I was his lady
That's what he thought till my love hit the door

But I don't think I changed, I think he didn't know me
He loved me because I seemed easy to control
And I was so convincing with the way that I kissed him
I even convinced my heart but not my soul

But his words sting in my ear, when after I tried to explain
he said, "You used me dear", and on and on he complained

So hate me baby for giving you a try
Paint your frustration as blue as the sky
But you'll never make me regret this day
I'm feeling mighty thankful with every word you say

Let me teach you something about women as a whole
We're much more flexible than any man could know
So don't be so surprised if I bend and I change
It's the way that I function, it's the way I was made

But most every woman needs a man who is strong
A man who is steady and secure, who she leans on
A man who's slow to change his opinion about her
for this petty reason, that she walked out the door

And maybe that seems like a lot to expect
But if you haven't noticed, we pay a lot for what we get
We know how to love like nothing's ever gonna change
Even though tomorrow we may not feel the same

And if you love us with a love that is steady and strong
We'll want to come back to it and the heart that such love comes from

So don't hate me baby for giving you a try
It's not like I wanted to let the feeling die
But I could sense the outline of a hole inside of you
that I just could not fit my whole self into

Philippians 4:12-13
"I am not saying this because I am in need, for
I have learned to be content whatever the
circumstances. I know what it is to be in need
and I know what it is to have plenty.
I have learned the secret of being content
in any and every situation, whether well fed
or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
I can do everything through him who gives me
strength."

I am clinging to this. That kind of peace and content
no matter the situation is available to me, and to you
as well, praise God. I am slowly beginning to feel it,
to sense His stirring inside when I am tempted to
complain over the confusion of life sometimes.

Here comes the honesty: So I went on a series of
dates last weekend that were really great with a guy
who seemed really great, but now it seems my inner
spirit is saying not to continue on this path.
God, I think I did the right thing tonight...but only
you know all and see all. Please, please, just don't let
me ruin my life.

Thoughts from "Mere Christianity" (very last part):

**Our society is so obsessed with the concept of
"finding yourself", but when we really get down
to the bottom of it, we realize that most of our
selves can be explained by our genetics and our
digestive system. I thought this was a funny way
of putting it, but really, how often are my bad
moods merely the result of what I ate for lunch or
how much sleep I got, or my own personal level
of stimulus overload being breached (I think I have
at least a slightly lower tolerance than most)? I may
not be as complex as I sometimes fancy myself as
being. I think Lewis has a point with that thought.

**God isn't impersonal or just personal - He is
superpersonal, and when we join with him we
don't so much lose ourselves as a drop of water
does into a stream or the ocean as we become,
somehow, MORE OURSELVES.

**We, as Christians, are to catch Christ's "good
infection" and become more like Him, as one
becomes more warm by nearing a fire, or more wet
by entering water.

Lewis is great with the analogies.

"Howard's End" is also turning out to be a good read,
but on a different level. Here's a (long) quote I liked:

"The sound of a lady's voice recalled him from
sincerity, and he said: 'Curious it should all come
about from reading something of Richard Jefferies.'
'Excuse me, Mr. Bast, but you're wrong there. It
didn't. It came from something far greater.'
But she could not stop him. Borrow was
imminent after Jefferies - Borrow, Thoreau, and
sorrow. R.L.S. brought up the rear, and the outburst
ended in a swamp of books. No disrespect to these
great names. They mean us to use them for sign-
posts, and are not to blame if, in our weakness, we
mistake the sign-post for the destination. He had
visited the county of Surrey when darkness covered its
ammenities, and its cosy villas had re-entered ancient
night. Every twelve hours this miracle happens, but he
had troubled to go and see for himself. Within his
cramped little mind dwelt something that was far
greater than Jefferie's books - the spirit that led
Jefferies to write them; and his dawn, though revealing
nothing but monotones, was part of the eternal sunrise
that shows George Borrow Stonehedge."

This thought rings true with me - the thought that life
is about something far deeper than books, movies, and
*gasp* even music. Those things can powerfully point
us towards life, or death, but they are only a pale shadow
of the beauty (or tragedy) that is in every human soul, every
day, if only we'll dig below our flesh to the place where our spirit
lives. This finding of beauty is, of course, only truly and fully
accomplished through the work of the Holy Spirit. It's only
by God's power in us that we can become MORE OURSELVES,
and help others to become more themselves as well.


Oh, and I have had some good days at school lately. My boys
have been keeping me busy helping them, but that is such a
good thing. I think they are starting to trust me a little more,
and aren't too threatened by my presence or my helping them.
Here's to more opportunites to build on that trust.

If you want to, pray for a troubled ninth grade boy I am
woking with. He got OSS (out of school suspension) again
today for losing his temper again.

I truly hope you are doing well. My prayer is that we all might
trust in the Lord and fill our minds and hearts with his Truth.
He hears even the smallest, weakest prayers and loves those
who are poor in spirit.

I'm going to work on some music stuff before the day is
through. Have a great day!

There have been many emotional ups and
downs since we last met. What? You're not
surprised? Well, they weren't THAT big...ok
maybe one of them was. You know me.

I had one really bad night of negative emotions,
about a week ago. There, I said it.

Now that that is out of the way...I am doing
well.

Here are some snippets of my life lately:

New brake pads: $320

Butternut Squash Au Gratin was made and
brought to apartment downtown to share with
new friends.

Because of Winn Dixie - cute movie aimed at
kids, but appealing to most.

Car battery died - AAA to the rescue!

A lovely evening with Naomi, an artist and art
teacher, sharing and talking at her old, two-story
white house in Valley Falls.

Some progress with my oh so tempermental and
troubled Al'Leon. He's still too cool for me, but
he's letting me help him now and then. :-)

Reading E.M. Forster's "Howard's End" for fun.
("Only connect!" says Forster.)

Once again came to a point of realization of my
need of grace, and the need to change aspects of
myself. Sometimes I take my own emotions too
seriously, instead of just accepting them and
keeping them in perspective. This lonliness will
not always be, and I've been told to give it one year.
I can do that. One year of building a foundation of
relationships and familiarities. One year of occasional
lonliness.

Song blurb:
So what if no one remembers my name
and so what if nobody sees the real me
This life is more than some long shot at fame
and I have a Father who believes in me

What is life, what is life, what is life, what is life
if it's not my own?
What is life, what is life, what is life, what is life
if I can't just be alone?

Suddenly realized that I'm still just a kid in many ways.

Felt like an old lady. (I like to stay home and cook things
instead of going out many times)

Salmon Rushdie lecture at the Lied Center: free
I disagreed with tons that he said, but it was still interesting,
I mean, it is Salmon Rushdie we're talking about here. But
man, he was really insulting to anyone who's not an atheist.
Coffee afterwards with Eric and subsequent walking downtown
was quite enjoyable. Yeah for new friends who want to one
day be President, or maybe a Senator and enjoy the music of
U2.

Listened to Coldplay - "Parachutes" and enjoyed it very much.

Watched "Hotel Rwanda" because Renee told me to, and am
very glad she did. Sad, sad, and I had no idea about all of
that. How can that stuff happen? How can people hate so
much that they want to wipe out a whole race? What can
we do to help? I recommend watching it.

Recieved a DVD of a beautiful wedding that I had the honor
of being a part of.

Listened to some Mozart String Quartets.

Had some interesting talks with Jamie on many many topics
that kind of jumped all over the place in a funny little way.

Got a letter from my oldest friend (age of our friendship,
that is), Alison Maloney, and enjoyed it so so much. So
sweet and such encouraging words on the topic of my
Kansas venture.

Got a letter from dearest Bethany from boot camp and
my day was brightened with intensest light. (I've been
waiting to use the word "intensest" after reading it in
"Howard's End". I hope I'm using it acceptably. Oh,
and I like "encroaching" too, from something else I
read.)

Fell in love with Fall and Moroccan Mint Green Tea at
Milton's Cafe.

Today I am struck with the beauty of my life - the wonder
of being so free and so blessed. Lord, make me a channel
of blessing. I wrote this in my journal today:
"What can it profit for one girl to be so full of passions?
Oh God, take all of me, breathe through every restless
longing and burning desire with your fierce breath of life."
Sometimes I am overwhelmed with all the things I want
to do, and want to do well, and I want to do them all at once,
but I can't. But I can do one thing at a time, and sometimes
even two or three. And that will have to do.

Goodnight. Next time I may have some C.S. Lewis quotes
that I don't have time for right now.

Eat squash - preferrably Butternut or Acorn, ok? It's good.
And take nice long walks when you can. I'm due for one.

Celebrate the Fall!