Sunday, August 27, 2006

"Out of my bondage, sorrow and night,
Jesus, I come, Jesus I come;
Into Thy freedom, gladness and light,
Jesus I come to Thee.
Out of my sickness into Thy health,
out of my wanting and into Thy wealth,
Out of my sin and into Thyself,
Jesus, I come to Thee."

And this is what matters to me: God.
And this is what everything rests on: Him.
And this is all my hope in times of trial: Jesus' blood.

Everything else is of mild importance.

That being said, it is beautiful and raining outside,
I just had a nice pancake lunch and talking with
Naomi, the tennet below me is playing strange
wind instrument music out of their open window,
and cars are driving down 6th St., tracking
through the wet streets.

I spent last night doing my favorite thing ever: getting
to know another human being better through music. He
played me some songs, I played him some songs, we tried
playing some songs together, and a certain kind of bond
that no one will ever be able to fully understand was made.
It is the bond that is created when people gather together
in whatever way and jump from "normal" means of
communication and experience the mystery of the
expression of soul through music. Whatever else happens
in life, bonds of the spirit type will carry on and complete
their purpose of bringing truth and beauty.

I don't know if I'm going too far to say it, but I think
God does, or at least can, move in spiritual ways through
music and the bond it creates between people to
experience it together. I guess that's why I'm so excited
about Music Therapy.

Classes are going great. Guitar is hard!! I feel like I'll never
be very good at it. It's so foreign to me. So to all you
guitar players out there, "You have my admiration!"

So, about that one guy, well, God is amazing, and I think
we've successfully transitioned to friends, of sorts. These
things are odd, but God is bigger than all of that.

And now I'm talking to this other guy, but that's all too
new to say anything about other than, "friends." cool,
cool stuff.

Bye, friend. Whatever happens, know that you mean a lot
to one kind of funny girl in Kansas. You are always welcome
at my door, though life may keep you from it for too long.
I understand. Life is a necessary evil. ??? What did I just
say? Um, ok I think I'm done now. I am in favor of existence,
yours in particular.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Is Abby back from Mexico yet?

Renee, I love your face.
You have the ability to encourage me
so much because when I talk to you I
really feel accepted and like I'm free to
just say what I really want to say, and I
know you're doing the same. I love you.

Michial, I had a few "I miss Michial" moments
today. I don't even know what triggered them.

I'm back in school! I think I'm going to love
being a student again. I already love my
classes, teachers, riding the bus...everything!
And in three years I will be able to be a music
therapist. That sounds perfect, perfect, wonderful!

Today was an up day.

God is absolutely amazing, and I was really encouraged
by "Hannah's Song" in 1 Samuel this morning.

Praying with Renee on the phone last night was such
a blessing. That is one thing that the guy who just
messed me over left me with. He would initiate that
a lot, and I think that is great. It is so necessary to
remember to include God in every important decision,
every day, and every relationship, and to turn to him
for all strength and PEACE.

The peace is returning.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

1 Corinthians 1:8-9

"He will keep you strong to the end, so
that you will be blameless on the day of
our Lord Jesus Christ. God, who has
called you into fellowship with his Son
Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful."

I am glad to know that he will keep me
strong through those times I can't keep
myself strong. Yesterday was definately
one of those kinds of days.

I had a good 3 full days at home last week.
Had some conflictual moments with my
beloved sister, but hey, that's our thing.
I love her, she loves me, we occasionally
fight. We ended on a good note, in fact,
a great note, so it's all good.

Had some good times with mom and dad, Mae,
Mark and Mary, and my old friend Vickie who is
now going to my Dad's house church. Mom even
bought me some "back to school" clothes.

I'll just say I had a break up recently, and it's been
a little rough, but I'm doing well. These things
happen. Thank God I burned this CD from mom
when I was at home by Ken Medema. I listened to
Track 4 from his album "Little Pictures" and it really
helped me in the wake of my emotional storm. Here's
the chorus:

"There's got to be a better way
There's got to be a better dream
Won't somebody please come tell me
Life's not as bad as it may seem
When all my plans have crashed and burned
and there's nothin' more to say
I won't go on unless I know
There can be a better way
There's got to be a better way.."

This guy is really great. I like this CD a lot.
Also, I like Kris Delmhorst ("Songs For a Hurricane")
and Maria Callas (amazing Opera singer).

Oh, and here's that song I was telling you about last time:

Love Is Real

All this walking by faith
Can get me wondering
Is this all just a big mistake
Is there a God behind the thundering
(repeat, or fill in verse later)

God, I know that you're real
Though this statement leaves me confused
What is "knowing" anyway
Some say I can't "know" there's a you
But I have no better word
to explain what's inside of me
And how my soul just has to believe
It's you who gives my life meaning
So I know, I know, I know
that You are God and God is real

All this pain and suffering
Can sometimes make my heart sick
Through the ages the blade does swing
and I wonder, are you playing cruel tricks
And they ask, "Can you really believe
in all this talk of love and beauty?
There is no God or truth, you see?"
I fight these thoughts,
but some days they get to me

God, I know that you're real
You've proven faithful through and through
And for every time I've strayed
You've stayed and made your mercies new
And when overwhelming pain
is all I can feel or see
It's then your glory is explained
When I cry out you reach down to me
So I know, I know, I know
God is love and love is real


Still needs some work perhaps, but there you
have it.

Well, there's a storm brewing outside, so I had
better turn off my computer. And yes, there is
a God behind the thundering. Hope you are well.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Hey, do you mind if I use you for a minute, cute
blog reader? I don't feel like journaling on paper
tonight, so I'm going to process my thoughts
on you. (yes, you are cute. very cute.)

So Monday was wonderful. I actually started
the day right, getting up earlier than I had
to (can you believe it?) and having some much
needed God time at the nearby park. The
whole day seemed to be much affected by
this. I read mostly in John. Jesus is so amazing.

Tuesday, for reasons largely unkonwn, felt
like a disaster. The day with my girl started
great, but by the end of the day she had left
a huge claw mark on my neck and we were
both miserable. She had a massive "meltdown"
as we like to call it, that extended for hours,
and through having to drive her and her
sister into town for her sister's Tae-Kwon-Do
lesson.

And on top of that, I was having these weird
thoughts and feelings of doubt about the very
things I base my existence around. I was
questioning my faith on some level. Was this
just because my day was so rough even though
I started it in the same fashion as the day
before and I was disillusioned? Or was it
because I have been corresponding with
someone about doubts and it was starting to
get to me? Don't know. All I know is I was
thinking about that Chris Rice song that says,
"Why can't every day, can't every day be like
today?" and then after the next verse, "Why
should any day, should any day be like today?"

But then, today, the sun came back! I didn't
particularly start this day right, but God was
gracious (I don't suppose he goes around giving
us good or bad days purely based on how much
time we've spent with Him. That would be works
oriented.) Had two great piano lessons with two
wonderful kids (well, one was about 16), and then
the day with the kiddo was overall awesome. Sure
there were some poopy messes and such, and
the occasional melt-down, but nothing like
yesterday. We got to go swimming, we had fun
with clapping bubbles and twirling toilet paper
(sound strange? well actually it was super fun)
and kicking a ball...and I fell in love all over
again.

I love that girl. Seriously, autistic kids are so
fascinating and cool. They are fun to talk to
because part of the time you just make
silly noises back and forth, slightly changing
them up now and then to keep things interesting.
I sometimes do this with "normal" people, so it's
been fun doing it with her too. (Kim Williams and
I used to do this a lot instead of having "normal"
conversations when we roomed together. It was
AWESOME.)

I want to keep being intentional about praying
and being in the Word. If I don't do this, I will
inevitably slide backwards. But prayer, specific
prayer, is very important. Sometimes I struggle
with this, it seems especially in the last year.
I get so focused on doing and being a responsible
grown-up that I forget the importance of childlike
faith and just asking my Father and not worrying.
I need to remember what's really important: Jesus
and people. I need to pray for the people God
has put in my life and on my heart to pray for.

Hey, guess what? It turns out that if a kid is
having a big fit, sometimes the best thing to do
is nothing at all. Seriously, if you just kind of
ignore them (in a loving manner) for a bit and
then express care it seems to be much more
effective then stressing out or trying to scold
at this point. Just an observation.

Here's a thought: God doesn't want us to be
strong on our own, 'cause then we might
mistake the victories in our life as being from
our own hand. Just read about Gideon and
how God sent thousands of soldiers home
for this very reason before a big battle. So
if you feel weak, you're right where you ought
to be so that God can move in an unmistakable
way. We need God and we need each other too,
especially our Christian brothers and sisters.

Here's a great verse:
"Stop judgimg by mere appearances and make a
right judgment."
--John 7:24

Oh, and

"He who belongs to God hears what God says."
--John 8:47

Or how about

"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat
falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a
single seed. But if it dies, it produces many
seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it,
while the man who hates his life in this world
will keep it for eternal life."
--John 12:24-25

It is a challenging thought that we all come at
these kinds of verses with our own grid of
understanding, and who knows if we are
really understanding these statements in the
way that God intended. However, I believe the
Holy Spirit does aide us in this respect. Thank
God for that. It can still seem kind of messy
sometimes though. People come from all
kinds of upbringings and experiences. I
guess we all need each other to truly
understand God. On our own we'll just get
stuck in our own way of thinking, perhaps.

I was going to post a new song I wrote in the
car today, but I think I'll hold off. It's about
the struggle of walking by faith. Needs work.

If someone named Jamie happens to be reading
this, I just want to say hi and that I hope you are
doing great. :-)

And if someone named Bethany, Kelley, Kim,
Sarah, Jenny, or someone else from TFC, then
"Hi you!"

And everyone else (any family members?), thanks
for sticking this long one out with me. :-)