Today I took a vacation from my problems.
Maybe I'll stay.
What problems do I really have anyways?
None, really. The maintenance people are
going to fix my water heater and my showers
will be warm again.

God is good. The sun will rise again, it will
shine on my heart and bring warmth.

It was stormy out today. Someday I will be
with my Savior, and I will be whole.

My thoughts are scattered, but I feel ok. I
have moments of clarity. I hope those
moments begin to stick and the depressive
ones fall off.

I think tonight I will sleep better.

Thanks for stopping in. Sometimes I miss you
and pray for you.

Life changes, yes it does. My emotions change.
But God is forever the same.

I feel enough like putting my voice out into the
universe tonight to stomach updating this blog.

The internet is a kind of universe, vast and dark
and full of many unkowns.

(wow, this post is going to be peppy, can't you
tell?)

Can I just say life is confusing? There, I said it.
God has been hearing that from me a lot lately.
My brother reminded me today that I should
give thanks in all things, and maybe just doing
that when I know I should and have every reason
to, even if I don't feel it, would make all the
difference.

I just got back from spring break in Lincoln. It
was a good week, filled with much quality time
(my top love language by the way) with many
family members, two days of working at dad's
business, and some time at the good old Lincoln
mall and The Mill.

So, do you want to know why I feel life is so
confusing? Well, I don't know if I'm ready to be
that honest on this blog, but, when in doubt,
you can usually default to the answer to the
question, "what are your thoughts about men
these days?" I confess, I sometimes wonder if
I'll ever have a nice and neat answer to that
question. It's not that I feel negatively towards
men as a whole, it's just that I can't seem to
understand how I am to view them when they
(intentionally or unintentionally) start making me
wonder if maybe they could be someone I could
share my life with. It's usually downhill from there.
I get caught up in a dream, and then I can't deal
with the reality, or they just lose interest, or I get
freaked out about something, or they do or don't
do something that makes me feel like I can't go
to them when I really need someone.

Sometimes when I get to thinking these kinds of
upsetting thoughts, I instert this corny, cheesy,
show-choir song from highschool that goes:

"Forget your troubles and just get happy!
You better chase all your cares away!
Sing Hallelujah come on get happy!
Get ready for the judgement day!
The sun is shinning, come on get happy!"
etc. etc.

Is that my resillience kicking in? Some insane
coping mechanism?

So here's the most recent song. Maybe it will shed
some light on the thoughts I've been having.

(no title yet)

I'm always wrapped up in the feelings I feel
and the things that do not move me, they hardly seem real
But everything moves me I cannot conceal,
if you put it through my senses, imagined or real
So I'm always wrapped up in whatever's in front of me

The things that I do I aim to do right
You won't see me give up without a good fight
I'll even go as far as staying up at night
lamenting over something uncontrollable in life,
crying about what isn't in front of me

Lift my head so I can see the stars
painted on the dark canvas of my heart

As I have lived I've observed in myself
and emotional variance of immeasurable wealth
So if you want to love me it might affect your health,
but I suppose not much more than would anybody else
'Cause we're all so wrapped up in whatever's in front of us

The secret to life is a balancing act
Maturity is mostly knowing when to react
Still not much of life is completely white or black
I keep one eye on the kettle that's burning in the back
so I won't lose myself in whatever's in front of me

Lift my head so I can see the stars
Keep your hold on my ever wandering heart

I should update, no?

Or is that, I should update, yes?

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I'm going to bed. very very sleepy.