BLAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Why did I ever decide it was a good
idea to go BACK to school? I could
have been DONE with all of this!
grgrgrgrgrgrgrggrgrrgrgrggrgrrrr
Yeah, I seem calm on the outside...
here's the reality: I HAVE ISSUES.
Can I please just start over? What,
you ask? Everything. I just want to
forget about who I have been up to
today and just start all over new.
Starting right now, I am not an
imbalanced goof ball who gives too
much credence to her emotions and
that feeling of distant longing for
something so much better.
I want to be someone who recognizes
those things but is also somehow able
to accept the realities of life and not
just want to cry and/or get in a
relationship whenever the longing
gets to be too much to bear. Nothing
is ever going to satisfy me.....
nothing but the one thing I keep
forgetting about in all the mad rush
of trying to be a responsible adult.
Dang it, I'm a mess! And if it's not ok
to just admit it, well I'm just sorry, the
world will have to pardon my existence.
I am messy, messy inside. I want to cry,
I want to cry, too much, too much. I
want what is real. I fear what I deserve.
I cling to a small hope that I'm not a lost
cause and a faith in Jesus to save me.
God, hold me up. I'm going to try and
just keep going and let you, somehow,
direct my steps. Please, please.....
(thanks for listening to my venting session
#39,489,583,921)
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About Me
- Lisa Bender
- I love God and am in awe of His love, shown to us most clearly through Christ. I want my life to be about letting Him use me for His good purposes. I love people, music, songwriting, journaling and cooking. I graduated from Toccoa Falls College in northeast Georgia (B.S. in music composition) and am currently getting my masters in Music Therapy.
3 comments:
oseI want to give you a hug! I will think about hugging you right now. here goes: ghmmmmmmm. okay. did you feel it? Oh, Lisa, you will make it! You are so wise and so loving and so beautiful (in all the ways) and I have faith in you.
abby, thank you for that. :-)
hey lisa, i haven't talked to you in awhile and i'm doing some catching up on your blog. so forgive me for commenting on an aged post.
once again, i can relate a lot to what you said. sometimes the longing to start over is so intense. sometimes i feel like i want something that is too good for this world. but right when i'm at my lowest point, God gives me that refreshing breath that i need and reminds me that i'm not entirely crazy.
it makes me happy to see you posting your thoughts and ventings, even though it may be a difficult time, you're going to gain so much truth from writing out your thoughts through it. i'm sure you know that already...
i liked your last line "God, hold me up. I'm going to try and just keep going..."
it's nice to know He's good at doing that, isn't it? i think He's become quite sufficient at it, in fact.
hope classes are going well for you...
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