I feel like being really honest, but I probably
will fall very short, perhaps subconciously on
purpose.

Do you know what can be hard? Being an
emotion-driven person at your core, but
also not trusting your emotions.

I'm so idealistic. But I look out of my own
eyes, and that's how I see the world. I see
it as a place with so many unkonwns that,
unless you strive for perfection, you will
probably never even find something half-
way decent. But, if you hold out long
enough, and do everything just right, then
life can be beautiful, exciting, and full.

But what if I'm fooing myself?
What if my idealism is falsley grounded?
Is it a bit humanistic, perhaps, to believe
that I can find some "perfect" life if I just
strive hard enough?

Thea Kronborg from "Song of the Lark"
is a fictional character, but I think she
and I share a few things. I, however,
have many more flaws and weaknesses
than she. She is the idealized one. She
was driven by an intense desire to be
every ounce of the person that she was
capable of being. She sacrificed all else
for the sake of finding that ideal. But in
the end...well, I don't know the end yet.
I've been putting off reading the last
chapter. I don't know why really. Just
have. But I suspect she won't find true
meaning in all her success.

I don't want my desire for perfection to
get in the way of finding a meaningful
life. Neither do I want to sacrifice my
idealism for a road that leads somewhere
I never would have wanted to go down.


I'm just trying to be honest at the end of
a task-filled Saturday. It's technically
tomorrow, but I've only now gotten to
the core of what was driving me all over
town today. I'm confused. I still don't
really know what I want. But how am I
ever going to find out?

I think I'm just tired. Maybe? I should just
go to sleep. Who knows, maybe by morning
something will have clicked together in my
head. That happens sometimes. God helps
us out a lot with that thing called sleep.

Dear God, I thought 23 would feel older. Is it
ok if I hold onto idealism? Can I hope to attain
even a shred of it in this life, or is it all for the
life to come? If so, could you please help me
in this "just getting by"? Could you fill it and
make it somehow more full and alive, and
infuse it with meaning. Maybe then I could
deal with it not being perfect. Yeah, that's
the kind of life I want. Not perfect, but
meaningful despite this temporary blindness.

Someday I will know Truth as clearly as if seeing
it with my own eyes.

For tonight, this is as honest as I know how to be.

God, forgive me, forgive us, for setting our sights
too low or too high. Help us to see and to not
get trapped by trying too hard or not hard enough
to be perfect, like You. Just let us know You more.
Help us live as dead to our flesh, but alive in Christ.

(Have you missed my confused and distraught
posts? Well then, this one's for you. Seriously
though, I'm good.)