I wrote a really dramatic, despondent post.
Don't worry - there was Light at the end.
Then I erased it and posted this.

Today was hard, especially tonight.
It's hard to not have someone you can make
happy. It's confusing to not understand
why you're alone, and not want to be, but
also not wanting to be otherwise.

In sum.... uh... life? What are you doing?
Did I sign up for this?

Oh, and I'm going to Cleveland in June? Oh,
o.k. What? Yeah, I guess that's what I want.
Yeah, I am excited about it....
So what about being 26 and single? Really?
Oh, yeah, I guess this is what I want for now.
Yeah, I guess...

Yeah. This is where I am. So this is where
You have led me, and where You are. So this
is where I want to be. Please help. Thank you.
Oh, good. You are here. *Sigh*
I think I'll go to sleep then.

In the morning there will be Light and I will
read Your Word and hear Your voice and will
again ask Your Spirit to guide me.

Maralee, and everyone else who happens upon this
post, I sing for you tonight, "My Sisters Return
From Ireland" by The Innocence Mission.

"What did you see?
When, walking down bridges, did you come
into cloud light at sea,
green fields forever,
kindness of strangers,
tracing the old streets, tracing the names?

If somebody calls to me
I'm hoping to not fear, not fear to answer.
How will it be?"

There is something in the tune of this song that
haunts me... in the best way possible.

I'm playing a show at "Signs of Life" (722 Massachusetts
St.) in Lawrence on February 13 from 8-10 pm. All are
welcome. I especially like for people to come if they
want to. : ) There's my plug. Oh, and if you come,
you should be prepared to offer a musical selection
because I don't like to be the only one who is bearing
her soul.

In other news, I may be interning in Cleveland, OH, at
a facility that works with adults with developmental
disability and kids with autism. It's not for sure
yet, but I'm so excited about the possibility! You
can youtube my name if you want a laugh. They had
me upload a video to show my guitar and piano skills.
It's pretty classic Lisa semi-awkward, so be prepared.

I am a youtube star. Wow, that's kind of sad to write.
Haha, well maybe not so much since only two people have
viewed the video. haha.

Guess what, friends? I am single. Solidly single.
I'm not dating anyone. And it is good! I don't want
to "fix" it. It isn't broken. It is whole. I plan on
soaking in the beauty of being o.k. with just being me.
And when (not if, mind you) I feel lonely, I will call
on Jesus, and He will teach me things and remind me
that relationships are a blessing only when they are
from Him, and He has led me to a place of needing some
time alone, relying on Him alone. This is where I need
to be. This is my time to heel from frustration and
disillusionment, with myself, with life, with confusion.

I had a busy last week. Also a forgetful week. I think
I was so focused on the internship stuff that my brain
couldn't hold in a few important things, such as a few
piano lessons and such. Yikes! Thank goodness for
gracious people. I hope next week is a little more
restful. I don't enjoy feeling frantic. The semester
is going well though.

I've written about three songs in the past month or so,
and I'm happy with the direction my songwriting is going.
The songs are much more focused on God and the things I've
been feeding on in the Gospels then they are about life
drama these days. I think 26 may be my year to start
mellowing out a bit. I could be wrong, but I think the
drama will gradually fade out. What will be at the end
of it all I do not know, nor do I want to. He knows. I
am content with whatever He decides. Honestly, I've never
meant that more then I do right now. I'm sure I will
struggle with it more... but for now... I am thankful for
life and breath, the Word, the Body of Christ, the
Counselor, and that Jesus and the Father are one, and I
am one with Christ. What could be more enrapturing?

Thank you for the opportunity of this life, my Lord.
You are Holy. You are preparing a place for me. I love
you.

How are you??? Seriously, I would love to know! O.k.,
I'll check your blog. : ) Blurg, blog, blarg. Those
words are fun to say.

Post things in your blogs. If you don't have one,
you should write me a long comment about what you did
this week.

Love you.

Hi, blogface.

Guess what? It's 2009 and I'm feeling fine...
well today anyways. Yesterday was a little wonky
and parts of Christmas break were hard, but mostly
everything has been really good. Ultimately, I am
confident that God is and will continue to guide.

Today I got a massage. It was excellent and I
recommend it to all who have untreated stress or if
you did lots of traveling like me over the break.
Man, I did a lot of traveling. Up to Lincoln, down
to Lawrence, out to Ohio, back to KC, then attempted
to go back to Lincoln but took the wrong highway and
ended up going towards Des Moines and then over to
Lincoln, and then finally, back to Lawrence. The
Ohio trip with John was a flight, the rest driving.

So I got a C in Anatomy and A's in ANOVA and Practicum.
I am happy with this.

Over the break John and I had a lot of time together, in
all kinds of different situations, such as missing our
early flight (mostly my fault) and waiting around in the
airport (which actually ended up being not so bad, even
with the cheesy holiday music... you see, we danced a bit
so it was fun). I thought that after all these things it
would be dreadfully clear if we were meant to be or not.
Turns out it was still fuzzy.

We had so many great moments, like singing "God Rest Ye
Merry Gentlemen" and opening presents in Lincoln, and a
peaceful afternoon at the Conservatory in Columbus (beautiful)
and such a great time with John's friend, his wife and their
five kids. I will treasure these and so many other memories.

I think when you date a lot of different people in a mostly
unbroken string for several years, there comes a point at
which you just need to stop and evaluate why you're doing
what you're doing and try to remember how to go through a
couple of days without talking to a boyfriend type and just
talk with God and let your thoughts be what they will be.

It hasn't and it won't always be easy, but I think I need to
enter a phase where I don't report to a boyfriend everyday
about how I'm doing and etc. and rely on him for affirmation
and such, but instead give my thoughts a little more room
to grow. I hope that makes sense and isn't just an excuse
for Lisa to once again steer away from commitment. I don't
think that's what it is though. I just need some time to
grow individually right now.

John has been amazing through my shifting. He is undoubtedly
a true friend and someone whose kindness I could never repay.
I hope he knows what a treasure I found when we were matched
up that fateful day almost two years ago. Where would my life
be without you Dr. Warren? haha.

Had some good times with Renee and Abby (finally together again!)
as well. Songs were played and in depth, real conversations
were had. Carmen lives on (inside joke...sorry).

Also soaked in TONS of adorableness from nephews Alex, his new
adopted brother Alex Matthew, and Josh (the one from Liberia).
MAN, they may not share any of my blood, but they still manage
to be the cutest kids ever, haha. Seriously, they are great
kids and Mae, Mark, Maralee and Brian are doing great jobs
raising them to be good kids.

I gained a new appreciation for Barnes & Noble this break. I
think it's a great way to spend some quality time with friends
to peruse some books, bring a few to a table and share a
gingersnap latte. GREAT! Did anyone else get one of those
gift card boxes from them with the Godiva chocolates? Nice idea.

I fail at transitions. Here is the spiritual portion of my post.

"We do not know what God is after, but we have to maintain our
relationship with Him whatever happens. We must never allow
anything to injure our relationship with God; if it does get
injured we must take time and get it put right. The main thing
about Christianity is not the work we do, but the relationship we
maintain and the atmosphere produced by that relationship. That
is all God asks us to look after, and it is the one thing that is
being continually assailed."
--Oswald Chambers

"The main reasons for living are: bringing glory to God (He deserves
it) and for the sake of tending and caring for His sheep.
Everything else should just a by-product of these things."

"God will accomplish the perfecting of our inner man by the power
(similar to the effect of fire) of the Holy Spirit. All we must
do is surrender to Him completely and believe in Him."
--my friend Jeff

I find the thought of surrender especially encouraging these days.
It really is that simple. We don't have to do anything to earn
God's favor, we simply must realize our own poverty, trust Him,
and allow Him to do His work in us. This surrendering is not
easy initially, but it brings the kind of rest our souls long for,
a Sabbath rest from our worries, fears, and even our doubts.

I hope we can all claim that rest and that this year we will realize
that there is nothing for us to claim or cling to except the saving
blood of the Lamb of God. Friend, it is my prayer that you will
surrender to Him and give up your striving in your flesh, by your
own power. He will accomplish His will for you if you focus on
nothing more then keeping a right relationship with Him. Lord, help
us, help me, to hear your voice and to follow only you.

How are you? Thanks for reading.

So... I need to update.

Guess what? I am doing great. Why? Because God is so amazing.
Seriously, reading the Bible never gets old. In fact, it seems the
more I read and dig in, the more I find, and the more I want my life
to be consumed by this awesome God.

I've been reflecting lately on the mystery of how something so simple
as having faith can be such a powerful source of change and growth in
people's lives when that faith is in the Creator God and not in oneself
or any frail thing of this world (fame, money, popularity, influence,
etc.).

"But the righteous shall live by his faith."
--Habbakkuk 2:4

"Everything is possible for him who believes."
--Mark 9:23

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
--Mark 9:24

"'Why couldn't we drive it out?' He replied, 'This
kind can come out only by prayer.'"
--Mark 9:29

"Jesus looked at him and loved him. 'One thing you lack,'
he said. 'Go and sell everything you have and give to the poor,
and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come follow me.'"
--Mark 9:21

"'Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God!'...
'With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are
possible with God.'"
--Mark 9:24; 9:27

"Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all
the more, 'Son of David, have mercy on me!' ... So they called
the blind man, 'Cheer up! On your feet! He's calling you.'
Throwing aside his cloak, he jumped to his feet and came to
Jesus. 'What do you want me to do for you?' Jesus asked him.
'Rabbi, I want to see.' 'Go,' said Jesus, 'your faith has
healed you.' Immediately he received his sight and followed
Jesus along the road."
--Mark 10:48-52

Faith in God and valuing the things he values (serving, giving,
loving others) are so important! What a waste it would be to live
a life that is not rooted in a faith in the Creator, a right
understanding of how loving and just he is, and an ordering of one's
priorities to match up with his.

I was talking to John about this just last night. He said that he
imagines that when we get to heaven we will be able to see so clearly
how so much of what we worried about was such a waste because the only
things that last are the treasures we store in heaven, and not all
these things we waste so much energy worrying over down here.

As we approach Thanksgiving, I must say how thankful I am at having
John back in my life, and how my parents have been receptive to getting
to know him, though they were cautious at first, and probably still are.
I think a big part of this though is that I'm the youngest kid, and
because the Catholic issue struck such a chord with them. My parents
are fiercely protective of keeping a right interpretation of Scripture,
and they have issues with many Catholic doctrines. John and I both
understand where they are coming from, but I am encouraged that lately
they have been more willing to at least try to see where John is coming
from, having attended Catholic and Protestant churches during his
formative years and having received benefits from both traditions.

There's a little update on my relationship status. I'm very happy to be
talking everyday to this amazingly sweet, caring, thoughtful, encouraging,
sincere, spiritually minded, motivated, sometimes extremely silly, and oh,
so affirming man I know named John. It has taken some time and effort
for us to get to this place, but I really feel we understand each other
better then we ever have. It's all such a mystery to me.

Life is not simple or predictable for Lisa's... but it is really good.

What are you thankful about? What are you pondering?

And you know what else? I think I'm going to pass Anatomy and ANOVA.
I'm holding on...

Tonight I feel like dancing.

Naomi and I had such a great time at the Renaissance Festival tonight, despite several bouts of aimless wandering. It took us about an HOUR to find my car afterward because it was so dark and we exited from a different place then we came in, and the parking lot was disastrously huge and in several, spread out sections. MAN, it was confusing, and kind of scary 'cause it was like, are we ever going to find my car?? Where are we??

And then on the way home, I missed the Lawrence exit and we ended up in Topeka. That is the fourth time I've done that on I-70. I have several funny memories of doing that exact same thing, once with Michial in the month of January, once with Chris last August, once by myself, and now, with Naomi. People, we need BIGGER SIGNS!! Come on! : ) Funny stuff.

So we ended the night with hot chocolate at Perkins and lots of laughing. What a great ending to the night. Thanks, Naomi. You're a real friend. : )

Friend, I hope you are well. Dance for me tonight, and for the strange beauty of life.

God, I thank you for your Son, for Jesus Christ my Lord. May I lead a life that is pleasing to him, despite my flaws and what sometimes seems like aimless wandering. Thank you for the people in my life, and for the chance to be someone who makes an impact in the lives of others. Please redeem every situation that I mess up in one way or another. Please, work all things for good (good = being conformed to the image of the Son) for those who love you, who you have called, who are living to serve your purposes and not their own. Thank you for your Word, for your compassion, and for every Spiritual blessing that is ours in Christ.

Random, scattered thoughts and bits of subconscious from tired brain:

Sometimes I think maybe half the country is right and Obama is going to be a good next president, but then someone mentions socialism and overspending on big government and I run back to my Conservative corner and pick up my McCain / Palin sign.

Overspending and too much controlling both react bad with me, and not just on a political level. Those are issues deeply ingrained in me to be repelled by, one from my wise, financially smart father, and the other by something stubborn inside of me. I don't like the idea of the government controlling any more than is necessary.

But what do I know, honestly? I'm against abortion for sure, so that also reinforces the Republican ticket for me. I definitely lean that way, but the trouble is, I don't honestly know what is what sometimes, I just react to things I'm pretty sure I think are true.

I like music therapy. I had so much fun this morning with the two boys with autism I'm working with this semester. Seriously though, I'll be so glad when Anatomy and Analysis of Variance (ANOVA) class are over! In a strange way I'm enjoying being stretched and learning all kinds of new and ridiculous things (do you have any idea how many veins and arteries and nerves are in your face? Yeah, well I kind of do), but it will feel great to have it behind me.

BLARG! I want to have more time to be artsy and deep and play my little guitar outside in the Autumn air. Oh, life, you are still so so busy. I'm still kind of readjusting after the Boston trip as well, though it hasn't been overly hard.

I had a great time overall in Boston by the way. Jason's wedding was nice and I didn't mess up the song or anything. Actually, I'm pretty sure I sang well, so that felt good. I had a great time with Chris too. We had a lot of great times, and a lot of learning times too. I'll call them learning times 'cause that is what they were, plus it sounds nicer then "times when Chris got super frustrated with me and one where I got super frustrated with him." But you know, relationships are just like that. Cousin Joel (psychology Masters, so he knows stuff) said that about 85% of marriages are a lot of hard work and about 15% just get along real well. I know Chris and I are not married, but I just think it's interesting to realize that if we were, we would probably be just fine; we'd just be in that 85% bracket.

However, Chris and I are not officially together anymore. That's about all the detail I want to get into about it, but right now is time for both of us to have our space (being half a continent apart doesn't hinder this either) and consider what the future may or may not hold. We're on really good terms though, so I count it all a victory, thanks to God. These things... as usual... can be so tricky. But Chris is really such a great guy, even if he's tired of me saying that. Neither of us are in any way perfect however, and we're not the most compatible of people in the world either.

Lots to think about, consider, pray about, and rejoice over. The rejoicing is just because, honestly, life is just so beautiful, though strange at times. I cannot deny the beauty of the life in Christ or the path he leads me down. When I stumble, he does not let me fall into darkness.

There are many more things I could tell you... if you weren't so public, silly Mr. Blog. Ah, my friends, do you suppose life ever becomes more clear, or do we simply learn to make peace with the constant undercurrent of change? O.k., that is close enough to a deep thought, whoo hoo! I got it back, sweet!!! Alright, so that was way too much excitement, but I needed it.

Oh, and I'm listening to some great new tunes these days, and some I've had around.

1. Avett Brothers
2. Explosions in the Sky
3. Mahler's Ninth
4. Townes Van Zandt
5. Philip Glass

Woah, I'm really low on the blatantly Christian artists these days. Hmmm... do you think that's o.k. with God? I'm reading his Word and praying as much as ever... so I guess it's o.k. Still, it would be good to get some good, spiritually nourishing songs on the playlist. Maybe I will look into that next. Derek Webb or Sarah Groves or Caedmon's have anything new out? Otherwise I'll go back to some Keith Green and Rich Mullins. Those guys are good too.

I hope your October is going great. What a nice month it is. Kansas has been absolutely gorgeous lately. I wonder where I'll be this time next year...

I've been away so long, but now all I can do is blog, blog, blog.

I purchased Jon Foreman's "Fall" EP, plus one of the songs from
"Spring" (Revenge).

How does Jon Foreman do it? I thought he had lost the ability to
see into my soul and write songs. It hasn't happened since high
school and early college. I thought he lost the ability for a while.
Seemed like he was just writing well produced mediocrity. I liked
"Shadow Proves the Sunshine" alright, but he was losing me.

Then I discovered these songs. I approve of the solo venture, Jon.

These songs are raw. Not Bill Mallonee raw, but that is a pretty hard
thing to attain, and not even always desirable, let's be honest (Bill
knows I love him...well, not really, but if I knew him, he would know
it. I am often far too raw myself). Foreman is a bit more of a well-crafted songwriter, but the songs feel real again. There are stories of struggle.
This is the kind of art I can relate to. I really recommend it, especially
if you struggle towards the light that is growing in your heart, but not
always steadily and easily.

Here's a quote from "The Cure for Pain":

"I'm not sure why it always goes downhill
Why broken cisterns never could stay filled
I've spent ten years singing gravity away
But the water keeps on falling from the sky"

That's just it, isn't it? Broken cisterns. That's the problem.
Oh, Lord, heal our brokenness. Only then can we move forward without
always equally moving backwards.

Here's a snippet of "The Moon is a Magnet":

"What are we
If we're not in love?
What are we
If we're not in love?
These are the cages
A kiss is contagious
It will betray us all
A kiss will betray us all

Somebody told me
That everyone's phony
'Til somebody's lonely
I hope that you're lonely
I hope that you're only
Waiting to phone me

What are we
If we're not alone?
What are we
If we're not alone?
These are the cages
A kiss is contagious
It will betray us all
A kiss will betray us all"

I love the line, "Somebody told me that everyone's phony
'til somebody's lonely." That is such a complicated
thought, but there is truth there. Loneliness is a tricky
motivator, but a powerful one. Maybe those of us with the
greatest needs are the least phony. I am a continually lonely
one. But... if that were true, why would I keep running away?
Could it be that I'm looking for something so blindingly beautiful
that I just can't stop searching because I can't risk... missing it?
But then, will I endlessly search? What am I really searching for?

A love that lasts. A love that can be bruised, broken and busted,
but still persists. I'm looking for love without condition, love
without reservation, love without a record of wrongs.

But can I even give that? Maybe I'm running from what I know I am
not - someone worthy of the kind of that love I refuse to live without.

I am a broken cistern.

But look, I know that I am. This is where it all starts, right? Now,
someone hand me some mortar, or whatever will mend me. God, it comes
from you.

I step forward, with no idea where my foot will land, but with faith
that wherever it is, it will be good because I trust that you are
guiding me, and believe that you will not let me fall. Thank you,
Father.

Grow your love in my heart. Let me labor in your vineyard. Let me be
like the son who, even if he said he would not at first, does go and
work in your fields as you requested him to. I am determined to love
you, to serve you, to seek you, to find you, to believe you, to submit
to you. Forgive me for failing you.

"Equally Skilled," and "My Love Goes Free" are gems as well.
And "Southbound Train".

The Mystery of the Tasteless Food - A Near Death Experience

O.k., funny story time. Actually, even a little scary.
Please learn from my mistake.

Alright, so I moved a few months ago. I move into my new
apartment and all is well. Then one night I decide to make
some Baba Ghanoush. I go through the whole painstaking
process, roasting the eggplant, etc. etc., and I get to
the final step of adding a bit of salt. I'm using this
new (but old) salt shaker with this screw on lid. Yeah,
apparently the last time I screwed it on, I didn't go the
whole way. So I shake it a couple times and suddenly have
a mountain of salt in my Baba Ghanoush!! NO!!!!

But believe it or not, I managed to salvage some of it,
though it was still pretty salty. I don't like wasting, not
one bit!

O.k., so now I go to fill up my salt shaker with some more
salt. During the move, I put some things in plastic bags
that were once in less smashable containers, such as my
sea salt. But there it was, my bag of sea salt with those
large white granules. So I fill up my salt shaker and make
peace with my past experience. Nevermore will I have such
bad cooking karma! Or so I thought...

A few days go by, all seems well. However, as time goes
on, I gradually develop this strange feeling that something
is not right in my kitchen. Then my stomach starts to feel
a little funny. Then, last night when my guacamole was STILL
not tasting right after I added plenty of salt, it clicks.
Something is not right with my salt!

I pour a little out in my hand and taste it. Weird! Gross!
What is that? What have I been putting on all my precious
organic food for the past week?!

That's when I realize; it was not sea salt that I put in that
plastic bag. No, it was EPSOM SALT, you know, the stuff you
put in your bath to relax your muscles? Oh, no! So I went
to my computer (what would we do without the internet?) and
googled the stuff. I knew that epsom salt could also be used
as a laxative, but I found out that it is not highly recommended.
Actually, there have been several deaths reported with epsom
salt consumption!

Yikes, yikes, YIKES!

Don't worry, I'm starting to feel more "normal" now, though
that wasn't exactly my problem, haha. No, seriously though, it
didn't even mess with me that much. So funny when I realized
what I had been sprinkling on my food. How ridiculous.

There's my story. What's your story, hmm?

Picture of coffeehouse gig

Just had to share. My awesome roommate Diana took this picture last Thursday. I am still highly amused by pictures of myself playing the guitar. : ) Hope it sounded as convincing as it looks... or at least I hope it looks.

Hi, blog. How are you? Oh, feeling neglected? So sorry...

Time to SAY SOMETHING! SO many things I want to say and try
to express and understand....

The longer I live, the funnier I think living is. I mean,
seriously, how often is life the way you thought, the way
you pictured it being? Maybe if I had a clearer picture in
mind I wouldn't forever be shooting in the dark.

But I'm just still figuring some things out about the details of
that picture, that vision that is forming in my head for where
this train is going. I'm 25. Actually, I'm getting close to 26.
That is so an age where I thought I would have more figured out,
you know, like at least the general idea of the type of guy I would
like to marry. Well, I think I have a general idea... right now I'm
just at a point where I need to be free to consider REALLY who I am
becoming and not try and nail anything down.

This point has come upon me all of a sudden, and may only last
through the night, maybe longer. You just never know WHAT will
go on in this head of mine! The minute you try and predict, that
is the minute everything starts to go the other way. O.k., I'm
being over dramatic. I'm not that crazed really, I just have to
rebel against perceived expectations now and again just so I don't
get stuck in a mold I'm not sure fits.

I have no idea where I'm going to be in a year from now. A lot
of speculations, but no real clue at this point. I'll hopefully
be doing my music therapy internship somewhere (assuming I pass
Anatomy and ANOVA this semester and Dr. Clair's class next
semester..), but that could be nearly anywhere! Wow.

I played some songs upstairs at Signs of Life last Thursday night
for the Grace women's coffeehouse gathering. It was pretty fun
though the noise was bouncing all around those wood floors and
cement walls so that it was really hard to clearly hear myself.
I hope it sounded better to those listening. I got one compliment
on a specific song, and that was a new, bluesy one called "Love
is Just Around the Corner." Oh, and I played a cover by an
artist/friend of mine who I did not ask permission to play his
song. I should probably retroactively ask him if it's o.k. before
he finds out and sues me. No... he wouldn't do that... The song
was "Sunflowers" and now that it's out, I feel a burden of guilt
lifting from my shoulders. I just like that song a lot.

Hey, once again I must ask, is it o.k. for me to not have
everything figured out yet? Please, someone tell me it's o.k.
I'm really trying to equally live AND learn and not repeat the
mistakes of my past. I am hoping and praying that doing so
and simply walking forward in faith, hope, and love, will be
just the way to find that elusive path that my feet are destined
to find, that path where, though it is not perfect, I know that
it is where God wants me to be, and I am fully there and fully
confident of where I'm going.

One thing I read in Matthew today was about how Jesus said that
he himself came to serve and not to be served, and that many who
are first shall be last and the last shall be first, just like the
workers in the vineyard who came later in the day but got payed
the same amount, and even got paid first. It seems so backwards
to us... but his ways are higher.

Lord, help me to seek to serve and not to be served that I might
be a light in the darkness and that I might be characterized
by my willingness to extend myself for the sake of others, out
of gratitude towards Christ.

Praise God for his mercy, his graciousness and compassion.
Tomorrow is a new day.

I don't have time to be blogging....
but man, I just need to. Is that weird?

I just desperately need a semi-public, creative
outlet right now. Not that this post is going to
be all that creative... just expressive.

What do I need to express? That life can be so tricky!!

SERIOUSLY!!! Honestly, if you think about all the
complexities of relationships it is staggering. I mean,
really, how many of us truly even understand ourselves
and why we do the things we do? Not just the apparent
reasons, but the deep down hidden ones. Do you really
know why you think, act, and feel the way you do? How
many of us are really willing to be who we truly are in
the context of any relationship? How many of us are
willing to be vulnerable enough both to face who that
person is, and to trust another person with it?

Then throw in the complexities of how we perceive the
reactions of those we are in relationships with. And
then what if you happen to be a highly sensitive person?
And what if the person you are in a relationship with and
you don't always speak the same language. What if he
communicates love through consistency, gifts, and then
words and outward expressions and what if the way you
most easily understand love is in the reverse order? Does
that mean he doesn't love you? No, it really doesn't. So
how do you know?

Time, little girl, give it time. The deepest things are not
always the easiest to perceive. I know, I know, it's just
that I can be so sensitive, so reactive. If anyone had any
idea... My heart can close up so fast, just like it can open
way too fast at other times. Dear Lord, it's going to take
some special persistence if I'm ever going to have a lasting
relationship with a man.

I do want that, I know I do. It's just not easy. I mess things
up. But maybe I don't, really. Maybe I've just done what Lisa
was always bound to do, and maybe God is always cleaning up after
me, and redeeming things in the end. Maybe the mess is not always
going to stay a mess. Maybe the mess is inevitable, and the more
I try to avoid it, the messier it's going to be when I finally face
it.

Then face it now! Don't run away anymore. Nothing can harm you,
not really, not if you're just doing your best with His help.
Don't be afraid. Fear does not accomplish anything. Just face it.
Be who you are and become who you are not yet. Let Him mold the
situation into what it was meant to be. It will not overcome, not
destroy you in the end. Your fears are oversized. Your faith is
too small. Be a real grown up and face the inner, selfish child.

Hey, do I have issues or what? O.K., so what if I kind of do?
Is that O.K. with you my friend? Please, I'm only trying to grow
up. I'm only trying to become "mature and complete, lacking nothing."
It is so lofty and seems so out of reach. I lack so much. I fall
down inside. But there is a Savior always picking me up.

Because of Him, I will keep walking forward into that beautiful
foggy mess up ahead. And whatever happens, happens. I can only
keep holding out my heart and letting it grow with love I do not
now know how to give, but want to learn.

Back on April 19 I wrote in my journal, while feeling pathetic:
"If I could just get where I'm going...
I know I would be fine.
Why must it take so long? I need faith.."

Not especially profound, just what I was feeling.

And now, I am on the verge of moving in to my new apartment,
with two new roommates I have yet to officially meet. And in
five days my dear, sweet Chris is flying into Kansas City. And
then we'll head up to Lincoln for Dad's 60th Birthday.

Things are looking up.

But I would be glossing over a little more than Lisa's like to do
to not mention that I'm still battling, still trying so hard to
not be bogged down by my flesh, by this body of death. I know that's
harsh, but sometimes I just feel that way.

Statistics class last month was intense, but went well. There were
some really fun people who I hope to keep hanging out with here and
there. We've had some fun times together, eating Thai food, and Salsa
dancing and sharing stories and laughing at Al's place.

Back to the flesh thing. Does anyone else relate? I mean, sometimes
it's like you have all these wonderful intentions and you want to serve
God, live by His Spirit, be in the Word daily, pray fervently, be kind
and patient and pure and full of love and peace.... and then you stub
your toe and get a stomach ache.

We sang this hymn in church last Sunday that had this verse:

"And I have vowed to fear and love You,
and to obey You, Lord, alone;
Because the Holy Spirit moved me,
I dared to pledge myself Your own,
Renouncing sin to keep the faith
and war with evil unto death"
(from "Baptized into Your Name Most Holy)

It's that last line that resonates with me. "and war with evil
unto death." That's really what it is sometimes. A war with
evil, and with our own flesh, which, in its sinfulness, desires
things that are at times at odds with what God desires for us,
and gets tired at times when we ought to be praying and feeding
on the Word, and makes me hormonal and angsty at certain times
of the month. Yeah, I said it. Yeah, today was one of those
days. The boyfriend dealt pretty well. We're learning each
other, slowly but surely.

Life can be a struggle, a battle. Then there is the struggle
with recognizing the reality of the unseen. It is all too easy
to get caught up in the material world and forget the equally
real spiritual realm full of spiritual forces and beings, both
good and bad. After a convicting sermon concerning this, I have
been trying to merge the two worlds again in my heart and mind.

These two realms can be merged. The Bible is our guide for
how to live in a way that is fully present in the material realm,
but equally fully aware of and active in the spiritual realm. I
think this is what it means to live in Christ. We have to merge
these realms, by the power of Christ through the inner working of
the Holy Spirit, as we submit to Him daily, in order to live in
victory over these imperfect bodies that will one day be fully
redeemed.

Someday we will truly see. Someday we will fully know as we are
fully known by God. Someday we will see face to face instead of
through a dark glass. But for now we "war with evil unto death."

Praise God we can serve the humble Christ, who came not to call the
righteous but sinners. This same Christ said, "Blessed are the poor
in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven." Poor in spirit...
not self-sufficient and full of pride. Thank you, Lord.

Here's another verse from that hymn:

"Yes, all I am and love most dearly I offer now, O Lord, to You
Oh, let me make my vows sincerely, and what I say, help me to do
Let naught within me naught I own, serve any will but Yours alone."

I need to testify - my parents are such gems. They are coming down
tomorrow to help me move. They were here just last weekend and helped
me move out and clean my apartment. I kind of miss it. It was my home
for three whole years. So much happened while I lived there...

I'm excited to see so many people I love very soon in celebration of
Dad's Birthday.

I hope you are well. If you've had one of those days lately where you
just feel a little off inside... know that you are not alone. We all
have days like that. The trick is to just keep going, for tomorrow will
bring new mercies from the Father. Trust in Him, my friend. He is the
only one who will absolutely never let you down.

Life. Life. Life. Living. What does it all mean?
How can I fully grasp each present moment I am given?

Lately I have been reading "Passion and Purity" and
"Velvet Elvis" - the first given to me by mom and the
second on loan to me from a friend.

I am being challenged to see each day as a gift, and
as an opportunity to rejoice in the Lord, the lover of
my soul, as I wait patiently for His perfect plans to
unfold, continuing to walk forward step by step, and
taking advantage of every opportunity to give of
myself and also to receive from others. I am fascinated
by the concept of living in the moment these days. How
can I grasp it truly? What does it mean to live there?
What does it mean to really live?

Tonight I played and sang some songs for a group of
ladies gathered at church. It was a small group and
although they mostly chatted, I appreciated the chance
to play in front of people and do something constructive
with my stockpile of songs. I felt there were several
moments of connection among the group of us gathered.

When you experience something, feel something, and then
express it, and someone else can relate to it in some way,
that is life. When you read something someone else thought
to write and you take it inside and let it grow new and good
things inside of you, that is life.

When you just get through a day, that is life. When you drink
coffee and get lots done and write love letters, that is life.
When you make new connections with new people, when you keep
old connections alive, when you make a choice to grow and to
give more of yourself instead of retreat and hide, that is life.

When you take a chance, when you expose your heart, when you
say something that builds up, when you take ownership of your
environment, when you walk dogs and clean your house and talk
to your mom, when you treat yourself, when you ignore those
uncomfortable feelings and reach out in little ways, that is life.

When you talk and interact with other human beings, when you
discuss things and really listen to what is being said and
when you care about really listening and being listened to,
that is life.

When you give up your right to dictate how everything should play
out and let God be God, that is life.

When you work hard at what you have been given to do, that is life.

When you turn your eyes from focusing primarily inward and take it
upon yourself to be concerned with the condition of others, and
when you pray, for yourself or for others, that is life.

When you give up your life and take in the Words of Scripture as
the truth that they are and allow the Spirit of God to move
inside your heart and draw you closer to the heart of God, that is
life.

"This is what the Lord Almighty says:
'Administer true justice, show mercy and compassion to one
another. Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the
alien or the poor. In your hearts do not think evil of
each other.'"
--Zechariah 7:9-10

That is life. This life is a loss apart from Christ. But through
the mercy of our Great God, we can give, receive, and live by
laying down our lives and taking up the life in Christ.

It is such a great mystery. It is not easy, but neither is it
a burden. It is about rejoicing and being truly thankful and
filled with love. It is about loving and sacrificing and waiting
on God and being full of joy, hope, faith and love.

I am looking forward. I am looking upward. I need more of Him.

What does living look like for you today?

My Trip to Boston and New York City

This is a new post
(don't get mad at me if this statement becomes false if
you are in the habit of checking this - which, if you are,
I apologize).

I almost feel bad about not blogging in so long. But really,
I'm sure the internet has plenty of forgiveness for me. There
are enough people out there documenting their lives and thoughts
away for me to take a break.

But here I am, taking the torch back up. Oh, I've missed my torch.
You see, I've become so externally focused lately that I fear I'm
starting to become boring. Well, not really. It's just that when
you have so much to do and so many responsibilities, you don't have
time to be interesting. Eh. Maybe I'm more interesting then I give
myself credit for, even when I'm externally focused. I'm still me.
And dang it, I'm interesting!

Hmph. Well, I'm trying here. Let's see now, what should I tell you?

1. I played a song that I wrote in March at a music therapy fundraiser
concert tonight outside. The weather was perfect. It went alright,
and there were a lot of talented folks offering up their stylings.

Want to read the lyrics for my song? Alright, since you silently and
internally asked so nicely...

Sittin' here thinkin' 'bout a million things, just hoping that
One of these thoughts will grow its own two wings, so I can fly
To another side of the universe, so I can get a
Better angle on March 1st, on March 1st

There are only so many things I understand, and I'm not sure that
Even one falls into this plan, still I have to
Raise my hands and praise the Lord, for all of the
Truth and beauty found in His Word, in His Word

Hope was born long before time, which tells me that
There is still hope for this heart of mine, the Son of God is
Interceding now for me, which means that I have
Hope of living eternally, eternally

Are there pale angels standing by, and do they ever
Falter when they start to fly, and are they really
Watching over all of us, and do they hear me
When I cry to Jesus, to Jesus

The hope I have because of God, is like a living
Flower planted in the sod, and even though the
Wind may blow to make it bend, it will always
Spring back stronger in the end, in the end


So I'm not sure whether to call the song "Better Angle" or
"March 1st" or what, but there you have it. Forgive the
strange punctuations and flow of words, but that's how they
fit with the music.

2. After school gets out I'm taking a short trip to Lincoln,
and then a trip to the East Coast. Who hoo!!! I'm going
to finally visit Abby in NYC, and I'm going to spend some time
with a "friend" in Boston. More on this later (I know you're
just dying to know more... but don't die. I'll tell you more
when there's significantly more to tell. After all, this is
my internet journal. If you want to full story, you gotta call
me).

3. I wish I had more interesting things to write about. I mean,
I'm sure I could come up with something to amuse or enlighten
you, but mostly I'm just worn out. School has been beating me
up. But I'm going to get in a few good swings in the next week
and perhaps even win the whole match. I'm a fighter, you know
it's true. Don't discount me 'cause I'm nice and have back
issues. I do pilates every week and I don't give up unless I'm
relatively certain something is a losing battle. This is not one
of those battles. I'm winning already. I need to win this one.

4. Gustav Mahler wrote 9.5 incredible symphonies. I can only
really recommend the 9th 'cause it's the one I know stuff about.
It rocks.

5. I have two new fish and one same old pigeon (name of my
surviving fish).

6. I'm reading in Hosea right now.

7. There was a massive wind storm about a week ago and I thought
it was a tornado and that I was going to die. I hid in my
bathtub and cried/prayed to God to keep me safe. It was really
interesting to journal about it the next day and realize that a
few days prior I had written a prayer to God, saying "please show
me how powerful you are and teach me to trust you." Also, I had
just gotten finished writing about how when I was in the bathtub,
afraid for my life, all I could say eventually was "I trust you,
I trust you.." I've got to say, be careful what you ask for!

God is amazing. I can hardly believe he actually pays attention
to what I pray sometimes, but I tell you, I think if I paid closer
attention I would see stuff like this all over. You know, He
really does hear our prayers, and He really is wonderful to show
bits of Himself to us, even though it is overwhelming to us.

Seven's a good number. I'll stop here.

I hope you are well. Take care and keep seeking the Lord. He
is good.

My soul is starting to wake up, come back to life,
blossom, bubble, froth and etc.

Not that it was necessarily dead, dull or stagnant before,
but there is something that happens when it gets warmer
outside, and it is happening to me, bit by bit.

It has been a long winter. It's starting to break up.
I wrote an entire song yesterday, which, though formulaic,
I am quite fond of. 2 verses, chorus and bridge in tact, and
it is called "Recovering." It was one of those songs born out
of necessity. I needed to express it at that moment and it
helped me to work through some tough emotions.

I'm also working on several more directly faith related songs.
Lisa feels more at peace with herself when she is writing songs...
or when she is in love. Silly Lisa. Preferably both. But for now,
writing songs will have to do. : ) Thank God for his peace and
presence even in the midst of turmoil in the brain and black
prickles in the soul. Man, I am so glad He is a Merciful God.
I can be so impatient, emotional, and much too quick to forget
all that I am blessed with in Christ.

I hope you are feeling at peace and are doing those things (prayer
and the Word are implied) that make you satisfied in your Spirit
and at peace. I really hope that for anyone who reads this.

God bless.

Just want to say "Hi" to you
because YOU ARE SPECIAL. Yes you.

Lisa is doing well. Lisa is on Spring Break.
Lisa is eating good food in Lincoln and hanging
out with family for a few days before going back
to Lawrence to finish out the break.

My sister Maralee is an amazing woman. If you
want to know why I'm writing this, well, just
know that she has gone through some not so
fun times and is still surviving and trusting in
God. Need I say more? I think not. She is doing
good though. I talked to her this afternoon and
her body is on the mend from her surgery (don't
worry, she'll be just fine).

BYE!

Want to know a thought from my head? It is a special thought.
You see, sometimes I get sad sad SAD and think about things
that I don't understand and wish for what is not here, not now.

However, this realization is starting to make its way further and
further into my soul, and that is this: the world is SO much bigger
then me and God's purposes are being accomplished all over the
world. I want in on that action. I don't want to waste time ho-
humming about being alone again. I'm not really alone.

So, upward and onward. I really mean that. It's not some kind of,
"I don't need a man" cliche. It's not about that, 'cause truth be told,
I think I kind of do need a man. But that is something that God, in
his sovereignty, has not seen fit to fulfill in my life at this point.
And it is ok. He knows best.

I am slowly beginning to form my thoughts again and write some
songs. But I will need additional time to finish and polish them up.
I'll probably have to wait till summer to really dig in. Things are quite
busy. But in my heart, God has made a way for me to find rest and
peace. Thank you, Savior.

Today in church we talked about Christian unity on matters that are
grey and not capitalizing on differences that are not foundational. I
am a fan of this. I'm glad people have their opinions, I am just of the
opinion that it is so hard to know everything and it is healthy to allow
for yourself to be wrong on many things - just not on the foundation of
Christ and His work on the cross and a few other major tenants of the
faith.

I hope you are doing well. I am most likely praying for you as you come
to mind. I'm trying to be more intentional in my prayer life lately. I do
believe it matters. God really does hear, and it also helps my own heart
in its caring for things outside of my own little world. I want to live a life
so much bigger then what I can live on my own. Teach me Lord. Teach
all of us who are seeking you, Lord. Show us what it means to know you,
to follow you, to love you supremely, above all others. For this does not
imply that we do not love those in our life; it implies that we love them
exponentially more then we could on our own, because we love You the
most, and are becoming more like the one who laid down his life for the
sake of sinners.

"Well I pledge my head to heaven for the gospel
and I ask no man on earth to fill my needs
Like the sparrow up above I am enveloped in his love
And I trust him like those little ones he feeds"

--Keith Green, "I Pledge My Head to Heaven"

I am enjoying Jason Upton and The Innocence Mission these days for
music and a book on Nordoff-Robbins music therapy and one on St.
Francis (and the book of Jeremiah) for reading.

I am pale and poor,
but Thou, O Lord,
are my strength and my song.
Please help the hopeless
and strengthen the faint.
Send your Spirit once again
to a dark and frozen land.

Lord, like the Israelites who were exiled and made to serve the
King of Babylon, help me to bare up under the yoke that you see
fit to place on me. For in all truth, your yoke is easy and your
burden is light.

You are GENTLE and HUMBLE in heart. Dear Lord, thank you for
your words of life.

Here is another amazing, life-giving verse that has been recently
been brought to my attention:

"Now when a man works, his wages are not credited to him as a gift,
but as an obligation. HOWEVER, to the man who does not work but
trusts God who justifies the wicked, his faith is credited to as
righteousness."
--Romans 4:4-5

I want to dig in and try to better understand what this verse is saying.
It almost sounds like it is wrong to work for righteousness, but I think
it is speaking more to the attitude of the heart. Indeed, many times it
feels like work to try and conform our minds and lives to the image of
Christ, but I think the verse is saying that if we are trusting in ourselves
and our own capabilities to earn this righteousness, we will actually
incur debt upon ourselves instead of grace.

I am so thankful that it is not about my ability to work and attain my own
righteousness. Thank you, dear Lord.

Just so you know, some things in my life are changing. It seems I have yet
to arrive at a true sense of who I am and exactly where I am going. But I
know that on the deepest level, I do know who I am, and it is only
important that God knows where things are going. I trust him, no matter
what happens.

I am doing well. I am feeling stable, praise God. Everything will be
gloriously wonderful as long as I keep trusting in God to guide me.
I am thankful for new opportunities to analyze the nature and course
of my inner life.

And now, it's time to do some HOMEWORK!! (I only have a limited amount
of semesters left to enjoy this wonderful thing called homework... so here
I go, enjoying every second of it... even if through gritted teeth!)

Oh, and HI MARALEE!! Love you.

Renee said my blog was exhausting her. I'll try to keep off the
Catholic thing this time, ok? : )

We had a snow day today. Wonderful.

I am saddened to hear about the tornadoes in the South.
I pray that those families and communities will pull
together and find grace to rebuild their lives.

I had the day off from school and lessons. And tonight, I
just want to send this out into the web universe: I am THANKFUL.

I have spoken to God lately about my changefulness - it is what
I struggle with from time to time. It is both a strength and a
weakness. Sometimes I am blown around like a leaf and I long
to be so much more substantial.

Thanks to God, I am growing into a more substantial, grounded
person. Tonight I am so thankful for this realization. It is because
of Christ in me. How I need to keep growing in his love!

Lisa is doing well. Lisa hopes you are too. I encourage you to think
about what it is you really want out of life, deep down, and go after
it with all your heart, in humility and thankfulness.

Here's to increased selflessness, prayer, love, and a passion for
learning more about the Holy One, who is both the source of light and
a beautiful mystery. Oh, and I am learning more about the life of
St. Francis these days. Very inspiring.