I don't have time to be blogging....
but man, I just need to. Is that weird?

I just desperately need a semi-public, creative
outlet right now. Not that this post is going to
be all that creative... just expressive.

What do I need to express? That life can be so tricky!!

SERIOUSLY!!! Honestly, if you think about all the
complexities of relationships it is staggering. I mean,
really, how many of us truly even understand ourselves
and why we do the things we do? Not just the apparent
reasons, but the deep down hidden ones. Do you really
know why you think, act, and feel the way you do? How
many of us are really willing to be who we truly are in
the context of any relationship? How many of us are
willing to be vulnerable enough both to face who that
person is, and to trust another person with it?

Then throw in the complexities of how we perceive the
reactions of those we are in relationships with. And
then what if you happen to be a highly sensitive person?
And what if the person you are in a relationship with and
you don't always speak the same language. What if he
communicates love through consistency, gifts, and then
words and outward expressions and what if the way you
most easily understand love is in the reverse order? Does
that mean he doesn't love you? No, it really doesn't. So
how do you know?

Time, little girl, give it time. The deepest things are not
always the easiest to perceive. I know, I know, it's just
that I can be so sensitive, so reactive. If anyone had any
idea... My heart can close up so fast, just like it can open
way too fast at other times. Dear Lord, it's going to take
some special persistence if I'm ever going to have a lasting
relationship with a man.

I do want that, I know I do. It's just not easy. I mess things
up. But maybe I don't, really. Maybe I've just done what Lisa
was always bound to do, and maybe God is always cleaning up after
me, and redeeming things in the end. Maybe the mess is not always
going to stay a mess. Maybe the mess is inevitable, and the more
I try to avoid it, the messier it's going to be when I finally face
it.

Then face it now! Don't run away anymore. Nothing can harm you,
not really, not if you're just doing your best with His help.
Don't be afraid. Fear does not accomplish anything. Just face it.
Be who you are and become who you are not yet. Let Him mold the
situation into what it was meant to be. It will not overcome, not
destroy you in the end. Your fears are oversized. Your faith is
too small. Be a real grown up and face the inner, selfish child.

Hey, do I have issues or what? O.K., so what if I kind of do?
Is that O.K. with you my friend? Please, I'm only trying to grow
up. I'm only trying to become "mature and complete, lacking nothing."
It is so lofty and seems so out of reach. I lack so much. I fall
down inside. But there is a Savior always picking me up.

Because of Him, I will keep walking forward into that beautiful
foggy mess up ahead. And whatever happens, happens. I can only
keep holding out my heart and letting it grow with love I do not
now know how to give, but want to learn.