Engaged!!

Hello. What an incredible few months I have had! It has been crazy, but awesome. Jim and I are engaged! Not only that, we are planning our wedding, all set for September! I know, kind of a rush, right? But turns out, entirely possible. We've got all the major things in place.

I'm still kind of in shock, but am starting to adjust to being someone's fiancée. Hopefully by the time September 18 rolls around, I will be ready to be someone's wife! Well, not just someone's wife, Jim's wife. Yeah, I think I can do that. He is pretty much the most all around quality guy, and the best fit of a man for me, I've ever had the privilege of dating. We have had and I'm sure will continue to have our share of struggles and conflicts, but I am encouraged to know that we both rely on God primarily, and also, Jim has shown me so much love and grace through the conflicts we have faced so far.

We have SO much to learn. It is exciting though, because marriage gives us this new opportunity for growth like we have never known. I'm pretty sure there will be a whole lot of joy mixed in with that growth. I am so happy, so excited... and kind of scared... but the kind of scared you are before things you know you really want to do... like going off to college, or doing something daring that you've never done before, like a Colorado hiking trip, or performing for a small crowd of people at an open mic night in a strange new city. I know marriage isn't a whole lot like those things, but it's what I have to equate this feeling of excitement to.

I hope you are doing well. I hope you have people in your life who need you and who you need. Whether or not we realize it, we need each other! Anything or anyone who tells you differently is lying.

Hello and happy June!

Just a quick note to once again say that life is going great these days and I can hardly keep track of all of God's goodnesses to me. Continuing to make (slow) progress on the Thesis and get new piano students. Continue to grow more in love with my Jim. It's so great to finally be with someone where things seem to be steadily and consistently moving forward, it really is. There are bumps in the road, and I still have emotional struggles here and there and we misunderstand each other sometimes, but we're working through it and neither one wants to go anywhere. I'm so happy about that. It is very grounding and real.

Had a great weekend in Lincoln and spent some good time with Mary, Abigail, Crystal, Luke, Brianna, Cristy, Alex, Matthew, Mae, Mark, Maralee, Brian, Josh, Danny, Sivannah, Mom, Dad and Jim. Wow, what a big family I have, and that wasn't even everybody! I really enjoyed the time at the zoo, time at the mall with the nieces, time with Mary at Meadowlark, going to Valentino's with mom, dad and Jim, and time with Maralee and Brian at mom and dad's and at their house. I hope next time I can hang out with Mae a little more. She is so busy with those two little boys. : ) Can't blame her.

Hope you are well, anyone reading this. : ) Hope the summer is off to a great start and that you are productive and at peace and finding time to rest in and grow in love and understanding of God. I'm reading in James these days ("Consider it pure joy..."). If you think of it, pray for Jim's job situation and our future plans, that they would be directed by the Lord and that we would be useful vessels for him.

Had a fun day yesterday. My Korean friend, Nan Sook and also Jim's brother, Bob came over for dinner. I cooked Borscht (beets and cucumbers in a sour cream sauce) and fried cabbage and potatoes, indian style, and it was a nice time.

I had to re-post my last entry so I could get rid of
some pesky spam comments. I think I've got that
taken care of now.

Just a quick update to say life is good!! It's amazing
when you realize just how blessed you are, especially
considering the fact that "in this world, you will have
trouble." I know it is not something to take for
granted or to expect, or to grasp, but something to
gladly accept, using every resource and blessing as an
offering back to God.

Jim and I are back together. We needed to take some time
apart to re-evaluate things, so we took it. I honestly
didn't know how things were going to go. At some points,
it looked completely like it was over. I guess it's all
for the best though now, because God gets all the credit
for bringing us back together and, amazingly, making all
things new. That verse about new creation means more to
me than ever.

2 Corinthians 5:17 - Therefore, if anyone is in Christ,
he is a new creation; the old has gone the new has come!

Praise God for his new mercies, great love and faithfulness.

Jim, I love you.

Had a really fun gig at "Signs of Life" last Friday. Jim
and Ikuyasu played guest spots on piano and shamisen. It
was a great time, and Naomi, my dear, dear girl, came up
from Wichita! I was so floored and felt so honored that
she would do that, considering her current health issues.
She is out of the hospital, but still living within 3
miles, so she is definitely in the recovery phase, big
time. I'm so glad her cousin moved from Seattle to live
across the hall from her and help her out. That is a
good cousin! It was great to meet him and to see her
smiling face. What a trooper. I played "Tear Down the
Telephone Poles" on special request for her. : )

As a Christian, I do not have a right to
govern and direct my own life as I see fit.
I am daily putting to death the desires of
my flesh in favor of being identified with
Christ in his death, and living unto him.
I have a right to the spiritual blessings
that are in Christ, to claiming the fruits
of the Spirit, but not to deciding how and
when anything plays out in my life. It is
my job to only lay down my rights to anything
in this world, and unite myself to the vine,
for without him, I can do nothing.

That's what Christ himself told his followers.
"Without Me, you can do nothing." (John 15:5).

I know that is true. Dear Lord, I want so many
things, have so many desires, but my deepest
desire is simply to know you, to remain in you,
and to claim those fruits of the Spirit that are
mine now because of Christ. Please, help me.

I have had an extrememly blessed and awesome past
couple of days. You see, I decided to visit my
brother in Florida! Loren had a few days off
from his grueling computer programming teaching
job, so we went to Sea World and to Sarasota and
to a bird sanctuary, in the pouring rain! It was
all so much fun and such a blessing to me. We
also had so many good talks, laughs, and watched
a couple movies.

Sea World was super cool. It didn't hurt that the
weather was absolutely perfect on Friday. I loved
the dolphin show and the water ride, oh, and feeding
the dolphins! I know, I felt like such a kid. Oh,
and Loren grilled some meat that night and we ate
dinner out by his pool. Very nice. We went to
church together on Sunday too. Yeah for having a
cool older brother who lives in warm, sunny Florida!

I've been doing a lot of thinking, but not a whole
lot of feeling lately, which has been alright. I
kind of went through the drama pretty hard for a
bit, trying to figure too many confusing things out
all at once. I know God was guiding me and helping
me, but all of it left me once again feeling a little
like, what just happened? Am I really a single girl
again? Am I making any progress toward maybe one
day finding a man I can respect and who will love me
for the rest of our days together? God only knows.
I trust him. If I do ever finally come to that day
of feeling sure enough to commit my heart to one
good man, oh, what a day that will be!

For now, I will wait. God knows what he is doing. I
will keep resting in that. I have so much to be
thankful for! This trip to Florida has really
re-opened my eyes to what a great, big world I live
in, and how there are so many opportunities out there
for the taking. I'm excited to think of the next
phase... once I get this Thesis written!

I am glad that my dear Naomi, who has been suffering
from a serious heart condition, is doing better, but
still is having to deal with so much during this time
of recovery. She is very much on my heart lately.
Also, I miss my family and my Renee and Abby. I hope
you all are doing well. And any other dear friends and
acquaintances who may read this, may you be blessed
today with this knowledge, that if we remain in Him,
we will bear much fruit, to the glory of God! May you
seek him today, and may the true light of his love fill
you with love, joy, hope, and a peace that passes
understanding.

Through Christ, we are made holy and blameless, if we
continue in our faith, firmly established and steadfast
and not moved away from the hope of the gospel.
(Colossians 1)

Life is interesting. Life is funny. Life is complicated.

Mostly, I like it, but that is primarily because of
this thing where I read words in or inspired by the
Bible and put them into my brain and write them in
my journal, and they make everything else in my brain
sunny, even when it's been super cloudy. Praise God
for His Holy Spirit and the Word that lights my path.
Putting His Word in my head, I truly believe, changes
the very nature of my brain and my person as a whole.
It is transforming.

Today I found a precious piece of time to partake of
that and was struck again by the idea of strength
perfected in weakness. Isn't it amazing that God
can and is actually working out his perfection in
our very bodies?? It makes sense to me that he can
work at perfecting us through our weaknesses, but
only if, in response to those weaknesses, we choose
to cling to him all the harder.

So here's to clinging to God all the harder because
we are weak and flawed. Here's to allowing our
weaknesses to actually be worked out for our good
and for the refining of our souls. We need only
acknowledge him, dwell on his goodness, and seek
his mercy and grace everyday, and every time we
mess up, as well as when we are running well. I
have a feeling though, that the closer to Him we
get, the more we will realize how far we are from
being Holy as He is Holy.

I wonder how much we really get glimpses of that
Holiness being perfected in us. Maybe we all have
the potential for that...I'm not sure. I feel so
very far from it, but I want to "be strong in the
grace that is in Christ Jesus," and to do my best
to present myself to God "as one approved, a
workman who correctly handles the word of truth."

On a personal note, I am a single girl again. Now
that things with the boyfriend have come to a halt,
it has come to my attention that it would be good
for me to just spend some time clearing my head and
centering my heart of the Lord alone. I was in this
past relationship for nearly 9 months, though 7 of
them were mostly long distance. It was good, and he
was great, and we were...mostly good. We had so
many good times together, and so many growing times,
and I really value all the time I had with him. I
admire a lot of things about him and we had so many
great laughs and sweet moments that I won't ever
forget.

There were hard moments, even hard weeks, but I know
that is pretty normal. I'm not sure absolutely, I
just know my heart ran out of faith, ran out of steam,
or something. For some reason or combination of
reasons, it was all too easy for me to question how
much he really cared for me on the deep down level.
I'm not criticizing him because he did so much to show
me he cared, so many kindnesses that humbled me. It's
just that we didn't always speak the same language, to
the extent that I am now needing some time and space in
the hopes of gaining some kind of clarity. I'm not sure.
Maybe it was doomed, maybe I just gave up... maybe you
can make a lot of things work if you really try... I
guess I just need a break. And maybe that means it's
over and I've sealed our fate.

I know God is in control, and that He knows what is
going on. I'll just rest in that for now. I am
grateful for my Bible study friends and family who
advised me strongly to not take my heart in any
direction at the moment, but just rest in singleness
for a while. I think that was wise advice, and I
am doing my best to use this time to re-focus
completely on Him, and trust His hand to guide me,
whatever that means. I am in no rush to do anything
but follow His leading. "Lord, help me, teach me."

I'm doing a lot of reading for my Thesis right now,
as well as teaching piano lessons, leading a choir
for international students (*awesome* opportunity
that landed in my lap!), and getting to know a great
lady from the United Arab Emirates through a thing
called "conversation partners." I have been really
blessed by getting to know this lady, who has 5 kids
and is working on her English skills in order to
complete her PhD in Education at KU. I've also
managed to find one really great open mic night in
Shawnee. I heart open mic nights that are not in
seedy bars! : ) I'll be singing my heart out, along
with some other friendly folks down at Waxy O'Shea's
tomorrow night, most likely. So fun.

I hope you are doing well, whatever you are up to,
dear friend. I wonder, are you in a "workman
approved" and strong sort of state, or in a
"strength perfected through weakness" sort of
place? Are you feeling up and encouraged and thankful
and blessed, or weak and small and lowly in Spirit,
or a combination? No matter what combination it is,
take joy in this sentence I read from C.H. Spurgeon
the other day:

"Better to have a glimpse of Jesus than to see all
the glory of the earth all the days of our life."

I'm not sure how to start this post, but I will.
I think I just did.

I finished the internship. It was a great experience.
I fell in love with so many dear people in Cleveland
and Lakewood, both clients and friends. I genuinely
loved that place and wouldn't rule it out for my
future, depending on the choices the Lord leads me to.

It's hard to sum up all the different situations and
emotions that I've experienced in the last few months.
Transitions are always weird, and this one was no
exception. But in all of it, I know God was guiding
and protecting me, despite my missteps and mistakes.

I want to share that lately God has been dealing with some
pride in my heart. He knows all things and he knew the
exact way to get me to see what is really inside of me.
He put me in a relationship with a quality guy who is what
one might call a typical guy in the area of emotional
expressiveness. For whatever reason, I have dated a lot
of unusually expressive guys in the past. But the guy
I'm dating now isn't particularly that way. It has forced
me to grow in ways I would not have otherwise.

I tend to surround myself with expressive, emotional people
who say affirming things and pick up on every little nuance
of behavior. It makes being a little passive-aggressive not
such an issue because these types can easily pick up on what
you're feeling and try to bring it out of you more.

But the guy I've been dating (no good reason to use names),
though not as naturally expressive and intuitive as some, has
had the humility and patience to bear with me and learn, and we
have been growing in our understanding of each other and what
it really means to love another person. It kind of makes it
even more meaningful when you finally reach those moments of
understanding, because they were not easily won.

Being in this relationship has shone a light on the role
that pride plays inside of my heart. I have a very sensitive
heart, but also fiercely independent and very passionate,
which means sometimes I am so over-the-top in love, but in
a matter of hours can change to nearly hating that same
person if I feel my love is not reciprocated. I defensively
tear that person down inside if I cannot see specific and clear
signs of their returned love for me. It isn't pretty, and I
don't like to own up to it, but that is what goes on.

I passive-aggressively have a need or want that I don't want
to have to communicate, so I just wait and watch, and if I
don't see signs that the person wants to fulfill or even
understands that need or want, I quite possibly will begin
to turn on that person. I know, I know... that's pretty
messed up. I am definitely still learning how to love with
Christ's love and not my own love that is so flawed.

I want to face this in hopes of changing it. That lives
inside of me, and I don't want it to. But on a positive
note, this guy has been so so patient with me as I've been
facing these things in myself, and we've been steadily
working through both my pride, and he has been learning
how to be more sensitive to me. That's pretty amazing.

We're still on the journey of discovering if we are right
for each other, but on this journey, I want to be focused
on what really matters. It's really not about finding the
perfect person for you (you'll never find perfection in
another flawed person anyway), it's about finding the person
that God desires for you, with whom you can serve the Kingdom
and be a picture of Christ and the church to the world.

The wife is to honor and respect her husband and the husband
is to love his wife even above his own life. It is supposed
to be so utterly beautiful! I will feel so blessed if I am
ever finally led to make the decision to marry a God-
fearing man. It is beautiful, but it requires a lot of
self-sacrificing love. I still need to grow in this area.

"Lord, help me. Help us all to learn more of how to love with
Your love and to consider others above ourselves."

Switching gears...

If you have a moment, I HIGHLY recommend checking out a podcast
of an amazing man of God. His name is Francis Chan, and his
podcast is called "Cornerstone Simi Valley." He is a pastor
of a church in California, is Asian, and is completely sold out
and passionate for God. I have been very encouraged to pursue
my Savior and love him more through watching his video podcast,
as well as some clips of him on youtube. Thanks to my dear
dad for introducing me to this guy!

I encourage all reading to seek to know God more and more this
year, clinging to His precious Word. Get one of those read
through the Bible guides (onegreatstory.com/reading.html),
get a good devotional book (Charles Spurgeon's "Mornings and
Evenings" highly recommended, or "My Utmost for His Highest"),
or whatever is going to get you in the Word and meditating on
our Great God. I'm preaching to myself as well as to you.

Anyone have another suggestion for sources of Spiritual
inspiration or good devotional books? I'd love to hear.

I've been reading 1 Timothy lately, and really enjoying it,
especially chapters 1, 4 and 6, though they are all useful
for teaching and training, of course.

Here's a little snippet from my journal yesterday:

"Because of Christ, I am a partaker in the blessed Kingdom
of God! I, according to his Word, though least in the
Kingdom, am greater than John the Baptist. But regardless
of all the joys and blessings in Christ on this earth and
in this life, 'Come, Lord Jesus, come quickly and capture
your children away! We long eagerly for your return.'

Lord, bless the trials of your children, especially those
suffering in Haiti now."

Thanks for reading. : )

Health Care Reform

I know the issue of Health Care Reform is huge,
and I also know that I have not spent a significant
amount of time researching all the ins and outs of
things. But I have been listening and talking and
thinking a bit, and I wish to do so further.

From the little bit that I have gathered, it seems
to me that people who know economics, know that the
public option thing that Obama is proposing is not
a good solution to our problem. I listened to a
series on this topic on the "This American Life"
podcast with experts that said as much. It went
into the history of our current health care system,
how we started with not very good medical treatment
way back in the day, but it was very affordable.
Then, care started to improve, doctors and hospitals
became more than just places where people went to
die and they became competitive.

Care improved and costs started rising. And then
there was a huge increase in jobs and a shortage of
workers to work them, so employers started offering
health care packages to compete for workers. I know
I'm missing a ton here, but it talked about how this
whole employer-based system is not a good one. Why
should we get our health care from our employers?
It doesn't make a lot of sense. We don't ask our
employers to pay our grocery bill, but expecting
them to pay for our health care has become commonplace.

And the insurance industry started out as a basically
good idea, but it has resulted in people not even
having an idea about how much their treatment is costing
and incurring huge expenses that the insurance companies
end up paying, resulting in higher and higher premiums,
and this is a problem!

We clearly have to do something to fix it. People have
tried things in the past, but further action is needed.
But from what I have gathered (which I confess isn't a
huge amount... just bits and pieces), the proposed solution
from our President is not really trying to solve our
current problem as much as it is trying to totally restructure
who is in control of the whole thing, that is, the government.
But is that really what we need? Isn't it true that we have
one of the best, most innovative health care in the world?
Isn't there a better way? I know I've heard that there are
better ways that people who understand the issues are
coming up with. I hope these people get heard before it's
too late.

I wish I knew more about what is going on, and I wish we all
did. I wish we could refine our system and not totally
re-work the whole thing. Isn't that worth trying to do?
Is offering health care to everyone and having the government
control it really going to motivate doctors and hospitals to
be innovative like they have been in the past? Are we really
ready as Americans to hand over this huge sector of our economy
to the government? Are we ready to become less like America
and more like the rest of the world? I think that the way
that we have historically done things and run things, though
it hasn't been and isn't and will never be perfect (though it
can be improved), is a good way to do things. We work hard,
we reward the producers, the ones who come up with the best
products, and we shop around for quality. We don't rely on
someone else to take care of us and give up our right to
make our own decisions about our care.

I know I'm in over my head in entering into this discussion,
but I honestly would like to hear what others have to say
about this as well. I want to understand it better. I want
all of us to, before it's too late and we're going in a
direction that will not be beneficial for our nation.

What do you think? You most likely know more about this than
me, reader, so if you want to leave me a comment or a link
or whatever, it would be appreciated. I just want to be
dialoguing about this more then I have been. I want all of
us to be - not just watching the news, but talking about it,
thinking about it, and hopefully steering it in some way.

Hello! Is anyone else just completely in love
with Autumn? I think the world is about at its
height of beauty now, at the end of October.
There were leaves all strewn about the highway
as I drove past downtown Cleveland today, making
all that concrete and the rows of traffic so much
more magical. And of course there was rain. It
does that a lot here. But the moisture seemed
to make the brilliant shades of yellow and red
even more dramatic, blowing all over but with
restraint, swimming in puddles and sticking to
the sides of things as I drove the curves in the
winding roads. My windshield wipers accompanied
the silence in my car as I took repose from all
the noise stored on my iPod.

So, I want to mention that I have been feeling very
blessed lately to be dating such an awesome guy.
We have been working through some communication type
issues, just normal guy/girl stuff, but the past
couple weeks have just been wonderful. It seems like
we kind of broke through the confusion and mis-
communications and finally started connecting on the
same wavelength, and things have been great ever since.
I know these things go in waves, but I'm feeling good
about the capability of this boat to weather the storms
that may come. I've been really impressed with the way
that Jim handles things when I get emotional or express
something to him. He listens, and though he may not
react immediately, he does respond in his way and in
his time, and comes back with this rock like steadfastness
that we will work it through together. That has been
really great for me. I really appreciate him and am
very hopeful about where God might be leading us, but
also keeping my eyes open and trusting Him to guide us
further. Having some time in the same city again will
be helpful.

It's now less than two months before I'll be done with
the internship and back in the midwest. The time that
I've been in Cleveland has not been long enough to
really start to feel rooted and at home here, but I
have begun to feel the beginnings of what could grow
into a feeling of at homeness. I think the biggest
barrier to that that I haven't overcome is finding a
home church. I have been to some great churches, but
I've been church hopping a lot, since Parkside is just
so far away.

But I have still managed to meet some great folks, both
at church and at coffeehouses, on parkbenches, at garage
sales, and through Sarah. There are some awesome people
out here. I know I could come to feel at home here.

And I haven't even mentioned some of the places I've
discovered here lately! Oh, my goodness, I so fell in
love with "Algebra Tea House" last Friday. It's about
perfect. I loved the mis-shapen, hand painted mugs and
this drink called "Roasted Roots" that tasted kind of
like coffee. And they had Baklava and falafel wraps
and the cutest, handmade looking tables of different
shapes and sizes... it was nice.

I also discovered a great vegetarian friendly sandwich
shop (not that I'm vegetarian, but I do love a good
vegetable) called "Tommies" in this area of town called
Coventry. It reminded me a little of Lawrence because
there were all these great little shops and restaurants
all along this long street. But... it still isn't
Lawrence. It still isn't quite as hippie and unique as
that town I miss. But it had it's own charm that I
could definitely come to appreciate if I ever lived here
for a while.

Real quick, I just have to tell you about last Wednesday
night. After some evening sessions at the group home in
Lakewood, I went down to Beck Cafe for the open mic night
there. I've gone a couple times but hadn't been brave
enough to play yet. I decided it was time. I made friends
with this sweet lady last week and she said that if I sang
"Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" she would sing harmony with me.
So I played one of my songs ("Weigh Me Down" is what I'm
calling it) and then an old hymn that I wrote new music
to ("Jesus Meek and Lowly") and then we did "Swing Low,
Sweet Chariot." It was like a dream moment to me because
everybody in the place started singing with us. There's
just something about singing with a group of almost
strangers that is just strangely bonding and wonderful.
Yeah, I think I'm in the right profession. : )

Hope you're enjoying October while it lasts! I miss you,
dear friend reading this (unless you live in Cleveland...
but I don't think many Cleveland people read this...). I
hope you are exceptionally well and feeling blessed. We
are always blessed because we serve a God who hears our
prayers and graciously blesses us with every Spiritual
blessing in Christ. And all we must do is believe in
Him, trust His Word, and allow Him to work in and through
us. Faith is such a mystery! God is so faithful and good.

Rainy introspection paired with Darjeeling in a mug from Vandalia, IL

Cleveland, you are beautiful in your gloomy, grey October
rain.

I am thankful. I am thankful for this day of restoration.
It is a luxury to find a few hours to indulge in introspection
and songwriting therapy, and now blogging.

I haven't posted any songs on here in a while. I haven't been
really raw on here in a while, until that last post. That was
pretty raw. I guess sometimes you just reach those moments
when your desire to be really seen and really heard, even if by
only a few sporadic blog readers, outweighs your desire to hold
back and leave an impression of having it all together.

I do not have it all together.

Most recently have discovered I do not have it all together because
I am not comfortable or adequate in this venture called love. I
am scared to death by the realization that to truly love someone,
I have to face the fact that my love is imperfect, and accept that
in return I as well will be imperfectly loved.

It's so much easier when things are new, when you're just in awe
and wonder of having someone in your life who says he loves you
and who you love so easily. It's another thing when you start
getting into the real meat of loving another flawed person, and
realizing that it isn't going to be easy for them to love you all the
time. That's so humbling to realize... it's almost unbearable at
times. I'm so vain and so selfish somewhere deep inside, and I
just want to run away rather then face glaring imperfection in
myself and in another and in our understanding of each other.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm strong enough of a person to really
follow through with this whole love thing. It seems so much safer
to just wall up inside my apartment and write in my journal, my
nice, neat speculations about the world, ordering everything into
my crisp, cursive paragraphs. I can write the world any way I
want and dream about how things might be someday, in my
safe, perfect, unrealistic dream world.

But this is a world for the weak.

The real world of love and sacrifice demands much more
internal strength and selflessness then the imagined world of
my journal pages. And I know that there's nothing wrong with
speculating, with analyzing, with dreaming about how I hope
things will someday be, but Lord, I don't want to get hung up
on my fear of imperfection that I'm too scared to really live and
love and fail and work and grow and become a more useful vessel.
Lord, make me willing to be poured out when you desire it of me.
Please, give me strength, wisdom, discernment.... and so much love.

I so do not have it all together, but I am held together in the
most wonderful, powerful hands - the hands that formed my
very soul and made big chunks of wood called trees spring up
out of the ground for our use and enjoyment... and so much
more... all the beauty and wonder we take for granted in this
gorgeous world.

And although I find myself in yet another long distance relationship
where wading through the ins and outs of love becomes a lesson
in laying down my pride, I find myself one step closer to the woman
I was created to be, here in rainy Cleveland. I'm still learning, still
growing, and still so amazingly blessed.

And I found myself in the company of new friends last night at the
20 something get together at Bay Presbyterian Church. It was
exactly what I needed and I really enjoyed those people. I made a
handful of new friends and I hope to get to know them more in my
last few months here. But who knows... someday I might be back.
I really have grown to like this area. Seriously. Lakewood and
surrounding areas really have a lot to offer.

I observed another Music Therapist at the Cleveland Music School
Settlement last week and was pretty impressed. Very nice set up
they have. I look forward to one day having a job, similar to the one
I now have, except as a board-certified MT, actually making a liveable
wage and all. Yeah, that would be nice. : ) As it stands now, K-Mart
will be helping me through these last few months. Hooray for minimum
wage.

Friend and reader, I encourage you today to reach more and more outside
of yourself and learn what it is to love and give of yourself in the strength
that is ours in Christ. I encourage this, not because I do it well, but
because I know how important it is. Let's keep trying, struggling with
all His energy. Let's trust in Him and not anything or anyone else. He
will make our paths straight.

I am so glad for the patience of our God with all of our weaknesses. Dear
Lord, help me to extend the same kind of patience to others as you extend
to me every minute of every day. Please guide me in Your truth and grow
me in Your perfect love. I am so imperfect and so in need of your perfection.

Anyone else feel like crying uncontrollably today?

Anyone else have the luxury of a morning to indulge
in such behavior?

Maybe it's just me. Yes, well, I should be hearing
back for sure about the part-time job today and so my
days of such luxury are (hopefully) limited.

I know I'm not the only one feeling like crying lately.
I passed a girl just a few minutes ago with tears in
her eyes she couldn't hide when I said "hello." I know
her only a little bit, but I wanted so much to know more,
to tell her she's not the only one who cries. And I did
tell her, but I have a feeling she has more reasons behind
her tears than I.

My sister sure has gone through the war lately. She, if she
cried at all this morning, has more than enough reason. I,
however, seem to have a gift for being able to cry for no
good reason at all. Sure, I can come up with reasons, but
when it comes down to it, I guess we're all just human, and
all are brought down to the same basic level of crying
uncontrollably every now and then. What can you do besides
seek the Lord and try to do as little damage to others as
possible, even being confident that somehow God will use you
in your weakness as you lean on Christ.

One redeeming thing about being human in this way is the
gift of expression. It seems that in these moments, when
summer is turning to fall and the chemicals in your (my) brain
start bouncing around off of every corner of your mis-shapen
skull, that the ability to express oneself through music or
whatever form (writing, painting, running, etc.) becomes a
life-line. Does anyone else relate?

Just listening to the songs on my iPod, on shuffle mode
yesterday in the car... several songs that normally wouldn't
have, brought me to tears. You'd be surprised at which ones
they were, too. One was from my distant past, one was from the
distant past of musical history (Brandenburg Concerto).. and I've
probably blocked what other songs may have brought me to tears
for the sake of my pride. I can't remember, but it somehow made
me feel better.

But those tears were nothing compared to this morning. I worked
out a few things on the keyboard, then moved to the guitar, just
singing all the thoughts that were jumbling up in my brain, and
once I got them all out, I cried so hard and it felt so good I
can't explain. Not happy good, just good, like a release of
unhealthy tension and emotion that had been needing to find an
outlet.

This only fuels my fire concerning my thoughts on music as a
mood regulator. This is the idea I want to spend the next couple
months looking into as the topic for the Thesis. We shall see..

I hope no one who reads this (not sure anybody does anymore...)
worries about me too much. That's not the point. I'm fine,
honestly. I always bounce back because of the things I know to
be true.

"..he who began a good work in you WILL CARRY IT ON to completion
until the day of Christ Jesus."

--Philippians 1:6

I am praying. There are a handful of people I have on my heart
to pray for especially lately. Life can be hard. God is good
and he hears our prayers and will answer if we pray and do not
give up.

Lord, help me not to be ruled by my emotions, but to put on that
which is pleasing to you and put off that which is passing away
and only of the flesh. Please, I need you to help me know the
difference.

Fill us with the love, the compassion, the affection of Christ.
Please be patient with us. Please forgive us and help us to
forgive each other, bearing with one another in love, and with
meekness.

You know what is scary to realize sometimes?
That I'm stuck inside my own head.
However, if I truly believe in God and the
power of the Holy Spirit through Christ, and
in the absolute authority of the Word of God,
this should not scare me too much.

What I mean is, while I know my own heart and
intentions, the fact that these may be good
alone does in no way assure that I will not
cause harm to others. Everybody lives inside
their own mind in a sense, and we percieve things
through a dark, clouded glass. We percieve and
interpret life, but our perception isn't always
the right one.

This kind of scares me sometimes. But once again,
I know that ultimately, my trust is in Him and
His ability to cover over my sins and repair the
damage I do to others, intentionally or unintentionally.

I guess part of this fear comes from wanting everyone
to like me and wanting to never have to upset anyone.
I want so much to be a person who promotes growth in
the lives of everyone I come in contact with, by the
grace given by God. And by His grace, I know all things
work together for good to those who are called according
to his purposes... and so, I need to let this worry go.

God is in control. He will bring about his purposes
despite all the things I royally mess over. That is a
relief.

I've been observing some things about this person named
Lisa lately (me). I think I'm adaptable. I don't have a
lot of fears. I am pretty trusting, though less so then
I used to be. I'm somewhat analytical, somewhat emotional,
and extremely open. These are things I've been learning
about myself.

It's interesting to learn things about yourself through
journaling and then going back and reading things and
reflecting on your life path, decisions, and current
mindset. I feel like journaling is a great way to learn
about the human species because it's an in-depth case study
on the one human being you know the most about: yourself.

Yes, it's scary at times, but I'd rather face it and learn
things then be oblivious to what I am. Many times it isn't
pretty, but it is real and, when I'm interpreting my life
through the lens that the Word of God provides through the
Holy Spirit, it is true. I very much want to know what is
true, face it, deal with it, and grow from it as much as I
possibly can without crossing a line into becoming anxious and
trying too hard to do something on my own power.

That's another thing I've been thinking about: worry. I
think worry is the root of lots of unhealthy, unproductive
things. I've observed this in my own life and in the lives
of others. What is the point of worrying?? It doesn't
do any good to anyone. If I'm starting to worry, I think
the best thing to do is to think of what action I can and
cannot do in order to deal with what I'm worrying about.
And if I can't do anything, then I just need to pray and
give it up to God. To hold onto it at that point is a lack
of faith in his ability to provide and care for his children,
or his desire to do so, which is completely false and from
the devil himself.

Still, it can be hard not to worry. But here's to taking
action, one little step at a time, strengthend by the Word and
the Spirit, towards doing that which we know is right, and
giving up more and more of our flesh, putting on more of the
fruits of the Spirit, and trusting God to accomplish these things
in us. Here's to giving up worry and taking up our crosses daily.
Lord, help us.

I've also been thinking a bit about my tendency to lean
towards being "likeable" and being concerned with
being liked. I don't want this tendency to go too far
so that I don't say things that I need to say and
speak up with what is burning in my heart when I'm in
conversations with people who seem not to know Christ
and the way that leads to life. This is something that
must be done in love and at the right time. I suppose
the best thing to do is to continue to ask the Holy
Spirit to guide me and help me not to be a wimp who
is overly concerned with being liked.

I played a new song of mine (written about a friend
back in April, called "What it All Means") at the open
mic at my Lakewood coffee shop last Tuesday. I've also
been swimming more in Lake Eerie, which honestly seems to
get more beautiful, serene, and clean each time I do.
And with the discovery of a new coffee shop with
outdoor seating, and a new park that is massive, with
tons of trails along a beautiful river... well I think
this place is growing on me. I like being a Cleveland
West sider.

I close with some verses pertaining to the importance of
Christian unity. I'm still loving Ephesians.

"Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to
walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you
have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with
patience, showing tolerance for one another in love,
being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the
bond of peace."

--Ephesians 4: 1-3

Thanks so much for reading! It is highly probable that I
really like you. 200 friend points for you for reading!
: )

I decided it was time for a blog makeover. Also, today I got a haircut. I guess the winds of change are blowing.

I made friends with Lake Eerie on Friday. Yes, it's true, I am brave. It was a nice and surprisingly refreshing swim, despite it being less than perfect in every way. I'll spare you the details, but let's just say there were a few fish, not the living kind, gracing the shore. Yuck. Oh, well. It didn't kill me, and I feel like a real Cleveland girl now. I've been baptized in the infamous waters.

I've been writing in the journal lots lately. Also, reading in Ephesians a lot. I'll write more if I get time later - more reflections and ponderings.

For tonight I will just tell you that the internship is going really well. I've been feeling much refreshed after my vacation to Lawrence and Lincoln to rest up after the Broadmoor camp phase of the internship was completed. Now I'm working with the adult clients and pretty much loving it. The schedule isn't as crazy either, which is nice.

Should be getting to bed. I'm going to pick up Sarah in the morning and go hear preaching by Alistair Begg. Gotta love the Scottish accent. He is a great preacher.

I made friends with the lady that cut my hair, a random lady on a park bench, and had a long conversation with my coffee shop friend, Jerry, the middle aged Jewish man who writes hilarious and bizarre song parodies. And last Friday I got some dinner with my neighbor/friend, Seth. I have multiple friends in Lakewood now!! This is exciting. They're such a random bunch. Seth is a chef at the Ritz Carlton. Good times.

Oh, and things with Jim are going GREAT. He is a really awesome dude, that one. The long distance thing is always less than ideal, but it is well worth it just to be talking to someone that I think the world of. Yeah, it is going well, and I'm
thinking this will continue... Lord willing (and the creek don't rise). It is such a privilege to have someone in your life who you are crazy about and who values you. There is just something about having someone to love, and when that someone happens
to be someone you could see yourself with long term, well, it's really cool and exciting. Thank you, Lord.

God, our times are in your hand. Please give all of your children patience and help us to put our hope and trust in You above all others.

This one's for Jim. Also, it was half
written by him. Oh, and get this - he
surprised me this weekend by coming for
a visit! We had an amazing time, from
sushi to poem writing to walking through
Cleveland's West Side Market, which, by
the way, is a cultural paradise for people
like myself who get very excited by food.

Poem #1

Driving across the country
just to show up on my doorstep -
No delivery man could ever take your place.
Spontaneity among our hearts
found us at "The Harp."
We climbed to the top of Cleveland's tower.
Flying further, Mr. Magic made
a glorious mess of music.

Do you know what I saw,
What angels heard
when you smiled
and jumped?

Happiness can haunt a lonely cave
but we are not afraid.
Every couple makes a song that sounds
from out their love's stirring.
We converse in this way, lined in harmony,
strengthened by virtue of our meeting.


The internship continues to go well. I am on a
massive learning curve, but I think that's the general
idea of an internship. I'm really enjoying it and am
so excited to be in the place I am in, wanting and
praying to be used as a vessel, filled by Christ
through His Holy Spirit.

In Christ, both Jew and Gentile (me) are made into
one man, joined together with Christ, and being
made Holy by a God who reached out to us in mercy
even WHILE we were sinners. It is by Grace we have
been saved! (Yes, I am reading Ephesians these days.)

There is a Power like that which raised Christ from
the dead that is accomplishing these things in us,
and is giving us the ministry of reconciliation in
the world. Praise God! The book of Ephesians is
proving to be very faith strengthening. I need it
so much. Faith in God through Christ makes this life
really mean something of value - something that will
live on after my short and fragile (though beautiful)
life is over.

I think part of life's beauty is somehow intertwined
with the fact that it is fleeting, and so fragile. I
can picture it like a rose wet with dew, so vivid and
bright, but quickly becoming pale and wilting, bent by
the rays of the glistening sun that continues on until
her Maker will take her place.

Lakewood, Ohio

It's late. Still not quite ready to let this day go.
Blogging is the answer.

I live in Ohio, near the East side of Cleveland. In
my town of Lakewood I have discovered some nice places
to go, such as one lovely park, a few lovely coffee
establishments, one with an open mic night I'm
determined to take advantage of before I leave, one
extravagant library (serious), one perfect middle
eastern restaurant, one delicious grilled cheese
specialty restaurant, and one organic grocery store
that employs people with disabilities (awesome).

I now have the luxury of being able to go to an actual
lake and watch actual waves. It is nice!

Also, ever since I had a certain visitor, my life has
been much improved. What I mean is, Jim, whose
grandfather lives in Cleveland, came for a visit, and
while he was here, he fixed some broken things in my
apartment without my even asking. And he figured out
how to hook my keyboard up to my computer, so now I
can record things using garage band. Before I
couldn't have done this, but now he has helped open
up a much needed door for me.

So check out my myspace page (myspace.com/lisaenns)
for possible new songs to start appearing. So far
I just have one.

So who is Jim you may be asking? Well, we met through
a fine thing known as piano lessons. You see, I used
to teach them in Lawrence, and Jim called me up one
fine day and started taking them from me. Then just
before I moved to Cleveland we started hanging out
outside of the music studio. Now we talk on the
phone. He is an English teacher. That is the deal.

I'm skirting over many details and twists of drama
that you've all come to expect from me, but I just
want to say that life is the funniest thing sometimes!
O.k., I know it's just a Lisa phenomenon in part, but
still... I'm sure several if not most of you know
what I'm talking about.

It's this thing where one day you think one thing and
the next day you feel another and the next the two
things have swapped places... and then you just stop
trying and then you wake up and suddenly everything
you thought you knew you now realize you didn't and
then you just give it up and smile, and then laugh,
and then cry, and then stare at the wall and fall
asleep. Funny, huh? Yeah... life is funny.

Emotions and logic like to war inside my funny little
brain. In the end, I hope they both kill each other.
Neither one is to be trusted. But that might be a
little extreme. Perhaps they should learn to get
along better. We've been working on that for quite
some time. I think we're getting somewhere with it,
but mostly it's just that God is merciful and He helps
me to not totally go insane. But a little insane is
acceptable from time to time... at least in my book. : )

By the way, the internship is going well. The month
of July is turning out to be just as crazy as
anticipated, but I'm enjoying it. The kids with
autism definitely keep life interesting and I'm
looking forward to starting to work with the adult
clients as well this week. It's going to be busy!
But it is seriously so much fun most of the time and I
can't believe I get to do what I'm doing. Yeah for music!
It is my prayer that I will be in Christ as I serve in
this way and will impact these dear children of God with
a love that did not originate with me, but with Him.

Friend, I hope you are having a nice summer and are going
to church. I am a big fan of church. I went to a small
group study for the first time at my new church, and it
was great. I'm starting to make friends at this huge
church called Parkside. I really enjoy Alistair Begg's
preaching. It's worth the long drive once a week.

Thanks for reading! God is completely powerful, merciful
and good. This gives me hope and joy. Goodnight.

I only have a few weeks left in this town before
I uproot and move to a big city I've never set
foot in before. How are you, friend? Are you
experiencing any transitions? They are a big
part of life for everyone it seems.

But I am feeling optimistic and excited about it.
I am feeling incredibly blessed to have had the
opportunity to live in this town and study Music
Therapy over the past four years and get to know
and invest in so many wonderful people. I am
overwhelmed with wonder to realize that I will
be missed. Maybe that's strange to say, but
there's just something about realizing that your
life matters to real people to make you feel small
and overly blessed.

I had my last piano lessons with two sisters I have
been teaching for almost 3 years. Those girls have
become like little sisters to me. I'm taking them
out for ice cream on Tuesday and I can't wait. I
went to a movie with Kristi and Naomi last night and
it was a great time, as always with those girls. I
will miss them so much.

Who will I meet in Cleveland? What will it be like?
How long until I will feel comfotrable there? Will it
be more exciting or scary?

"But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal
procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere
the fragrance of the knowledge of him. For we are to
God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved
and those who are perishing."
--2 Corinthians 1:14

On Good Friday there was a group of Catholic students
who put on a live demonstration of the stations of the
cross. I saw 13 and 14 while I waited for my bus and
talked to a lady standing there. What an unusual sight
to see in the middle of campus. It was a bit surreal,
and such a sober reminder of all that was suffered
and all that was accomplished.

On Saturday I went to an Easter Vigil service that my
friend Kate invited me to. It was at a house on Mass.
Street and there were candles and Scripture readings
and songs accompanied on guitars and mandolin... and it
was a beautiful time of remembrance. "He has done great
things for us" seemed to be the theme of the night.

I took a walk this afternoon in the cold rain and I
prayed and I cried - good tears. And, because of the rain,
I didn't have to worry about anyone noticing (yes, songs
have been written about this phenomenon...) The tears
were because God is so good. I only want to know Him
more and understand how much He loves us so that I will
never complain, realizing all that He sacrificed on the cross,
and how he conquered death.

If He died for me in such a way, why do I complain
about the little discomforts, or even the big ones,
I may feel from time to time? He deserves my love
and my all. I'm so glad that He is both my King and
my friend. Is it possible, that He considers me a
friend and not just a lowly, sinful servant? That is
what I often feel like, but a friend of mine reminded
me today that we are also considered His friend,
because of Christ.

"Lord, help me to know You, to be more giving in my heart,
and to be convicted when I next begin to complain about
discomfort. Remind me that because of Your work on the
cross, any suffering You allow in my life will be for my
benefit, and will not be worth comparing to the glory that
will be revealed."

Happy belated Easter!

Happy Spring Break to all!

I am well. I am drinking good tea these days.
(I recommend "Winter Moon" at Teapouro)

Hope you are well.

Tonight I get to see Renee rock the cello in
Kansas City. And I get to see my beloved
family this week.

Preface: I'm not going crazy
Warning: This could be lengthy

Synthesis: I'm trying to synthesize all that I know.
Speculate: There is still so much I don't know.

Absolute: The words of Scripture are written in permanent
ink on my soul.

Emotions: I know not to trust the ones that fade and fade
as I draw closer to the Light.
Time: Things have a way of figuring themselves out with
a little time and lots of prayer.

Action: But sometimes you can't even know the motives of
your own heart until you act on what is in your heart,
even if you're not sure if what you're acting on is true
or just another something that fades.

Love: Every chance to give and to receive love is valuable.
Some of these chances flourish and bloom into something
that brings you so much beauty you want it to last forever,
and maybe it does, maybe it doesn't, maybe it just doesn't
here on this earth. Other times, you give or receive love,
but it only lasts a short while. But even in that short
while, it may add something valuable to your life. Or it
may just be another lesson learned. Still... these life
lessons are valuable experiences.

What am I saying? That nothing is ever certain and the
lines of right and wrong are so blurry they might as well
be puddles of gray? No.

There is black and there is white.

But it isn't always obvious or clear. Sometimes the truth
of a matter is hidden away inside the murky depths of the
human heart, not visible to the human eye.

The Spirit discerns truth. Sometimes it is obvious to a
Christian, or a non-Christian, the rightness or wrongness.
But sometimes.. you just have to make the best decision
you know how to make, remaining in Him, in His Word, and in
fellowship with other believers.

Friends, I've got a case of the lonelies. It's not horrible,
it's not traumatic, it just kind of is a bummer. There. I
said it. I feel better already.

I guess after so much relationship after relationship, I kind
of just expected that I would be alone for like two seconds,
and then "the perfect man" would appear and say, "Here I am,"
and then everything would make sense and I wouldn't have to
go through the whole "Blah, another day of singleness," feeling
when you wake up in the morning.

But this is totally what I signed up for. And I am not bitter,
not angry, not overly depressed, not cynical, not mad, not
even ticked off at anybody. Not a soul! I know the world
does not owe me happiness. I know life can be like this. I
know I have been loved and have loved deeply, and I can never
forget the benefit that these chances at love have been to my
soul and to my concept of myself and what I have to offer, and
what it feels like to be loved and given so much so freely.

And I know that.. in reality, it has been me who has given up.
I have had chances at the kind of love that leads to marriage.
But when things got hard or uncomfortable or less then ideal
seeming, and it became clear that they wouldn't un get that
way with a few words and the warmth of affection... I opted
out. Of course, I happen to be the Queen of trying again, so
my opting out has probably lost some of its impact. But I
hope that is a good thing in the end.

I feel like it's better to know more why something didn't
work out then to wonder, "what if we tried again?" But in
the end, until you get married, that question always looms
a little over your head, in some cases more then others.
But people change. I believe God can mold hearts and heal
divisions. But when you've got a case of the lonelies (when
you're single, and human like me) it becomes very tempting
to re-write stories in your head that in reality, will
always have the same ending. But how do you know the
difference? How do you know when to silence the memories,
the voices? When do you act and when do you sit back and
try to trust that there is a plan at work that you can't see?

The thing I am after is something lofty, I recognize. I'm
not looking for someone I can live with, could tolerate, mostly.
I'm not looking for a life of constant conflict, tension, and
occasional service. I'm looking for love so deep, like I have
known, but with less tension, less conflict inside my soul, and
where service, both to each other, and to the world through
Christ, is a daily occurrence, from both parties. Does that
make sense? Does that sound overly demanding, idealistic?

I know relationships are work. I'm not looking for something
easy. I'm not looking for zero conflict, zero tension, and
some kind of unrealistic constant euphoria and spiritual bubble
where nothing "bad" ever gets through, or a man who has been
shielded from everything that could harm or hinder a person in
this world. But I am looking for someone who is on the road
to Life, and who is able to help me along that road as I help
and encourage him. I am looking for someone who knows how to
first care for his own needs, and out of an overflow of his
heart, wants to care for the needs of others, and actively
does this with the people in his life.

I'm looking for someone who lives the truth that it is more
blessed to give then to receive, and in a way that my soul
understands. What does that mean? I'm not completely sure.
It's not a science. It involves communication, sincerity,
emotion, strength, stability, creativity and thoughtfulness.
It involves a lack of taxing my limited ability to take in
stimuli, which involves sensitivity. It involves the wisdom
to know when to stand firm and to lead, and when to step
back and let go. It involves security, boundaries, and
freedom. It involves an absence of fear that leads to
clinging.

Is that so much to ask? Maybe it is. Maybe I'm painting
myself into an isolated corner. Or maybe I'm holding out
for something beautiful, and it is a true hope that will not
disappoint. I'm willing, as always, to be wrong. But I'm
not yet convinced that I am. I'm standing here, alone, in
the corner, surrounded by wet paint. It kind of stinks
over here. Is anyone going to come rescue me? God?
Anyone? SOMEBODY?!

No? Oh, o.k. Hmmm.... well, look, I have a Bible here.
It says that I am created for eternity. Eternity? Really?
That long? Oh, God, you must have something wonderful
planned for it to last that long and just keep on lasting
and lasting and lasting.... !! I can't comprehend. But
I trust You. Father, Savior, Creator of all good things,
Friend, Lover of my soul, the Good Shepherd, the Vine, the
Living Water, the Bread of Life, the Lamb That Was Slain...
I love you. And not only You, I love Your children. Thank
you for the love that you have shown me through so many of
your children as we have tried to help each other on towards
you.

Please, continue to teach me, to guide me. I am weak, I am
strong, I am wise, I am foolish, I am anxious, I am trusting,
I am worried, I am resting, I am nothing, I am your beloved
child, I am passing away, I am surviving to eternity.

Because of Jesus, I am made perfect. Thank you so much for
this Grace!! Please, please, help me to live a life worthy
of the gospel of Christ. I need so much help. Help us all,
dear God.

I cried last night at my keyboard. The notes brought forth
the tears that I needed to cry but was so scared to cry. I
don't know what I'm so afraid of, but I'm starting to deal
with it. I think I'm afraid of growing and of whatever it
is that is ahead. I have no idea what Cleveland will be like.
I won't know anyone really, not at first. Will I be so lonely?
Will I feel stuck and full of regret? How do I go forward
from here? Do I deserve to ever be so so happy as I imagine
being? How can I capture joy and keep it in my soul? Oh,
I want to know Christ. I want to see Him more clearly, to
taste His Goodness and know what it means to live unto Him.

To this end I labor, struggling with all His energy...

In more happy, less introspective rambling news...
I went to Teapouro last night, and I'm a convert! They have
like 100 different kinds of fresh teas that are incredible!
And they serve it to you in this adorable little teapot if
you get the two cup option, and it is so good for the soul.

I hope Cleveland has good places to get tea.

Person reading this, whoever you are, please just keep
pressing forward in knowing Him. Don't get too hung up
or distracted by things that fade. Fix your eyes on Him
and let it all fall into place. And don't be afraid.
There is nothing in this world to fear. Cast all your
cares upon Him. He will answer and guide you.

He answered my desperate plea the other night when I thought
my computer was going to crash. It has been acting up and
so I am blogging at the KU music library. But I was able
to buy and external hard drive and back up my files, so I
am SO relieved!! Praise God! It was such a time of prayer
for me. I mean, how awful to lose all of my pictures, songs,
and documents from grad. school! It would have been very
sad. But I know He is faithful, no matter what. Thank God
that He saw fit to allow me to save those pieces of my life.

Be blessed today dear friend. Being single has allowed me
a deeper feeling of connection to the world in general, and
especially those who belong to His body of believers. We are
all one, and the sufferings and struggles of the one are taken
up by the others. And if I struggle, I know that you too have
struggled, and we are all in this together. God bless anyone
who has read this whole convoluted post! I love you! : )

(Seriously, I'm not going crazy. And I really do love you.)

I wrote a really dramatic, despondent post.
Don't worry - there was Light at the end.
Then I erased it and posted this.

Today was hard, especially tonight.
It's hard to not have someone you can make
happy. It's confusing to not understand
why you're alone, and not want to be, but
also not wanting to be otherwise.

In sum.... uh... life? What are you doing?
Did I sign up for this?

Oh, and I'm going to Cleveland in June? Oh,
o.k. What? Yeah, I guess that's what I want.
Yeah, I am excited about it....
So what about being 26 and single? Really?
Oh, yeah, I guess this is what I want for now.
Yeah, I guess...

Yeah. This is where I am. So this is where
You have led me, and where You are. So this
is where I want to be. Please help. Thank you.
Oh, good. You are here. *Sigh*
I think I'll go to sleep then.

In the morning there will be Light and I will
read Your Word and hear Your voice and will
again ask Your Spirit to guide me.

Maralee, and everyone else who happens upon this
post, I sing for you tonight, "My Sisters Return
From Ireland" by The Innocence Mission.

"What did you see?
When, walking down bridges, did you come
into cloud light at sea,
green fields forever,
kindness of strangers,
tracing the old streets, tracing the names?

If somebody calls to me
I'm hoping to not fear, not fear to answer.
How will it be?"

There is something in the tune of this song that
haunts me... in the best way possible.