Preface: I'm not going crazy
Warning: This could be lengthy

Synthesis: I'm trying to synthesize all that I know.
Speculate: There is still so much I don't know.

Absolute: The words of Scripture are written in permanent
ink on my soul.

Emotions: I know not to trust the ones that fade and fade
as I draw closer to the Light.
Time: Things have a way of figuring themselves out with
a little time and lots of prayer.

Action: But sometimes you can't even know the motives of
your own heart until you act on what is in your heart,
even if you're not sure if what you're acting on is true
or just another something that fades.

Love: Every chance to give and to receive love is valuable.
Some of these chances flourish and bloom into something
that brings you so much beauty you want it to last forever,
and maybe it does, maybe it doesn't, maybe it just doesn't
here on this earth. Other times, you give or receive love,
but it only lasts a short while. But even in that short
while, it may add something valuable to your life. Or it
may just be another lesson learned. Still... these life
lessons are valuable experiences.

What am I saying? That nothing is ever certain and the
lines of right and wrong are so blurry they might as well
be puddles of gray? No.

There is black and there is white.

But it isn't always obvious or clear. Sometimes the truth
of a matter is hidden away inside the murky depths of the
human heart, not visible to the human eye.

The Spirit discerns truth. Sometimes it is obvious to a
Christian, or a non-Christian, the rightness or wrongness.
But sometimes.. you just have to make the best decision
you know how to make, remaining in Him, in His Word, and in
fellowship with other believers.

Friends, I've got a case of the lonelies. It's not horrible,
it's not traumatic, it just kind of is a bummer. There. I
said it. I feel better already.

I guess after so much relationship after relationship, I kind
of just expected that I would be alone for like two seconds,
and then "the perfect man" would appear and say, "Here I am,"
and then everything would make sense and I wouldn't have to
go through the whole "Blah, another day of singleness," feeling
when you wake up in the morning.

But this is totally what I signed up for. And I am not bitter,
not angry, not overly depressed, not cynical, not mad, not
even ticked off at anybody. Not a soul! I know the world
does not owe me happiness. I know life can be like this. I
know I have been loved and have loved deeply, and I can never
forget the benefit that these chances at love have been to my
soul and to my concept of myself and what I have to offer, and
what it feels like to be loved and given so much so freely.

And I know that.. in reality, it has been me who has given up.
I have had chances at the kind of love that leads to marriage.
But when things got hard or uncomfortable or less then ideal
seeming, and it became clear that they wouldn't un get that
way with a few words and the warmth of affection... I opted
out. Of course, I happen to be the Queen of trying again, so
my opting out has probably lost some of its impact. But I
hope that is a good thing in the end.

I feel like it's better to know more why something didn't
work out then to wonder, "what if we tried again?" But in
the end, until you get married, that question always looms
a little over your head, in some cases more then others.
But people change. I believe God can mold hearts and heal
divisions. But when you've got a case of the lonelies (when
you're single, and human like me) it becomes very tempting
to re-write stories in your head that in reality, will
always have the same ending. But how do you know the
difference? How do you know when to silence the memories,
the voices? When do you act and when do you sit back and
try to trust that there is a plan at work that you can't see?

The thing I am after is something lofty, I recognize. I'm
not looking for someone I can live with, could tolerate, mostly.
I'm not looking for a life of constant conflict, tension, and
occasional service. I'm looking for love so deep, like I have
known, but with less tension, less conflict inside my soul, and
where service, both to each other, and to the world through
Christ, is a daily occurrence, from both parties. Does that
make sense? Does that sound overly demanding, idealistic?

I know relationships are work. I'm not looking for something
easy. I'm not looking for zero conflict, zero tension, and
some kind of unrealistic constant euphoria and spiritual bubble
where nothing "bad" ever gets through, or a man who has been
shielded from everything that could harm or hinder a person in
this world. But I am looking for someone who is on the road
to Life, and who is able to help me along that road as I help
and encourage him. I am looking for someone who knows how to
first care for his own needs, and out of an overflow of his
heart, wants to care for the needs of others, and actively
does this with the people in his life.

I'm looking for someone who lives the truth that it is more
blessed to give then to receive, and in a way that my soul
understands. What does that mean? I'm not completely sure.
It's not a science. It involves communication, sincerity,
emotion, strength, stability, creativity and thoughtfulness.
It involves a lack of taxing my limited ability to take in
stimuli, which involves sensitivity. It involves the wisdom
to know when to stand firm and to lead, and when to step
back and let go. It involves security, boundaries, and
freedom. It involves an absence of fear that leads to
clinging.

Is that so much to ask? Maybe it is. Maybe I'm painting
myself into an isolated corner. Or maybe I'm holding out
for something beautiful, and it is a true hope that will not
disappoint. I'm willing, as always, to be wrong. But I'm
not yet convinced that I am. I'm standing here, alone, in
the corner, surrounded by wet paint. It kind of stinks
over here. Is anyone going to come rescue me? God?
Anyone? SOMEBODY?!

No? Oh, o.k. Hmmm.... well, look, I have a Bible here.
It says that I am created for eternity. Eternity? Really?
That long? Oh, God, you must have something wonderful
planned for it to last that long and just keep on lasting
and lasting and lasting.... !! I can't comprehend. But
I trust You. Father, Savior, Creator of all good things,
Friend, Lover of my soul, the Good Shepherd, the Vine, the
Living Water, the Bread of Life, the Lamb That Was Slain...
I love you. And not only You, I love Your children. Thank
you for the love that you have shown me through so many of
your children as we have tried to help each other on towards
you.

Please, continue to teach me, to guide me. I am weak, I am
strong, I am wise, I am foolish, I am anxious, I am trusting,
I am worried, I am resting, I am nothing, I am your beloved
child, I am passing away, I am surviving to eternity.

Because of Jesus, I am made perfect. Thank you so much for
this Grace!! Please, please, help me to live a life worthy
of the gospel of Christ. I need so much help. Help us all,
dear God.

I cried last night at my keyboard. The notes brought forth
the tears that I needed to cry but was so scared to cry. I
don't know what I'm so afraid of, but I'm starting to deal
with it. I think I'm afraid of growing and of whatever it
is that is ahead. I have no idea what Cleveland will be like.
I won't know anyone really, not at first. Will I be so lonely?
Will I feel stuck and full of regret? How do I go forward
from here? Do I deserve to ever be so so happy as I imagine
being? How can I capture joy and keep it in my soul? Oh,
I want to know Christ. I want to see Him more clearly, to
taste His Goodness and know what it means to live unto Him.

To this end I labor, struggling with all His energy...

In more happy, less introspective rambling news...
I went to Teapouro last night, and I'm a convert! They have
like 100 different kinds of fresh teas that are incredible!
And they serve it to you in this adorable little teapot if
you get the two cup option, and it is so good for the soul.

I hope Cleveland has good places to get tea.

Person reading this, whoever you are, please just keep
pressing forward in knowing Him. Don't get too hung up
or distracted by things that fade. Fix your eyes on Him
and let it all fall into place. And don't be afraid.
There is nothing in this world to fear. Cast all your
cares upon Him. He will answer and guide you.

He answered my desperate plea the other night when I thought
my computer was going to crash. It has been acting up and
so I am blogging at the KU music library. But I was able
to buy and external hard drive and back up my files, so I
am SO relieved!! Praise God! It was such a time of prayer
for me. I mean, how awful to lose all of my pictures, songs,
and documents from grad. school! It would have been very
sad. But I know He is faithful, no matter what. Thank God
that He saw fit to allow me to save those pieces of my life.

Be blessed today dear friend. Being single has allowed me
a deeper feeling of connection to the world in general, and
especially those who belong to His body of believers. We are
all one, and the sufferings and struggles of the one are taken
up by the others. And if I struggle, I know that you too have
struggled, and we are all in this together. God bless anyone
who has read this whole convoluted post! I love you! : )

(Seriously, I'm not going crazy. And I really do love you.)