Turns out that sometimes when you're attempting to get your
masters degree in music therapy, you don't have time for
inspiring and deeply personal blog posts.

My apologies. I'm sure you've survived without them...somehow.
haha.

So I'm alive and well and studying hard. Actually, I am lots better
then average...because I find myself very much in love, and real
happy about that. Yeah, do you remember the Catholic, songwriting
man? He apparently has staying power. Lots of staying power. He
is such a blessing to me and I can't begin to say how much I love him.
So I'm just going to leave it at that, ok? : )

I will just say this much. John and I have some differences and it's not
that things are just so perfectly easy all the time, but honestly, I have so
much faith in the character and heart of this man, and I am just blown
away that he is really in my life and really in love with me too. He is
very good at communicating that to my heart in ways I understand. That
counts for a lot. I could go on and on...but I will leave it be.

I hope you are well. Christmas is fast approaching. But first....two more
crucial weeks of school.

Thanks for hanging in there with my blog.

How can I explain all that I'm feeling? I simply cannot.
But that never stopped me from trying before.

I drew a picture that filled up two pages in my journal last
night 'cause words aren't seeming to do the trick lately.

What is it? How can I verbalize it? Hmmm... it isn't quite
there yet.

Let's pause for a commercial break for my upcoming research
project. While researching (I'm not quite sure what my exact
topic is yet...that's what I'm currently researching...) I ran accross
this quote:

"there would be no need for music if it were possible to communicate
verbally that which is easily communicated musically."

Emotions can be so complex, but it drives us to try and find new ways
of representing them. Music, art, literature....that's just a starting point.
Cooking, knitting, exercising, you name it. It's all a cleverly disguised
way for different people to get out or "express' their emotions. Think
about THAT next time you see some macho man jogging down the street.
He is indeed a complex and deeply emotional being, just expressing it
in sweat and sculpted physique instead of notes in your ear or multi-
syllabic words for your brain or colors and shapes for your eyes.

Maybe?

OK, back to what I'm feeling.... Ummm... maybe not.
I mean, there are many layers to these things. On one level, I'm mildly
stressed out in general about upcoming assignments for school. On
the next level I'm processing the ever changing jumble of thoughts
concerning what type of guy I really would be best suited for. Current
status of thought: don't know, except I do know he needs to be somewhat
of an emotional type of guy. None of this non-emotional, completely
logical and rational at all times business. He needs to have the ability to
control his emotions, yes, but he has to not use that ability when it comes
to me. I need emotional, genuine, passionate, all that jazz.

Too much information for you? Sorry. Welcome to my blog.

Oh! And I should mention (for anyone still reading), I have a myspace
artist page. So if you want to hear some songs by me, it's at:
www.myspace.com/lisaenns.

Alright. Now for the deepest level. Despite anything else I'm feeling, here's
the bottom line: I trust God. And you know what? That is such a great
feeling!! Seriously, I don't know how he's brought me here, but I'm faced
with the reality that he has. No matter what happens, I really do trust Him
and am not worried.

I find that absolutely amazing, even to write and to read out loud to myself
and to realize that it really is true. I trust my Savior, my Creator, my God.

I trust His ability to forgive and to cleanse me from my sin. I trust His
ability to make me less like Lisa and more like Jesus. I trust Him to guide
me to the place that I can best shine for and be used by Him.

So thank you, God. Some days I may not feel it as easily as today, but I hope
you always know and always bring me back to the place where I just say,
"I love you. I trust you."

And how are YOU feeling today?

I have made it through half of this crazy semester.
Phew!
AND, I had an awesome experience playing a concert of
original music last Friday at "Signs of Life" coffeehouse.
My friend Tai let me borrow his guitar, and people
actually showed up, and Tai and two others played some
guest spots (really great) during my breaks....and it was
just way cool.

Tai played some songs, one about a baby who's found in the
forrest who is destined to grow up and write a song that will
end all wars.

Another guy busted out some beautiful piano tunage.

The other guy sang and played the guitar for his original song,
"The School Teaching Blues," which was hil-ar-i-ous!

Then I had to write this paper on ADHD and music therapy. That
was good, but then I had to go to the chiropractor 'cause my back
was MESSED up after all that excitement and bending over reading, etc.

And now it is fall break. I'm gonna still be busy pretty much till the
end of the semester, but I plan to take a break for Thanksgiving and
go home.

I don't have too much time for deep thoughts these days (SAD), but I'm
surviving, and I count that as success enough. 23 piano lessons a week
plus school and a tiny bit of a social life is way enough for Lisa.

Rudy's Pizzeria and then Aimee's coffeehouse with Naomi last night was
super fun! She was all hyped up on sugar, but we had some good
conversation and goofiness. Then movies and drinks at Phoebe's was
fun later that night. I like having good friends. I like living in Lawrence.

I like you.
Hope you are well. I'm sure you're keeping busy, you go-getter, you. : )

Hum a little tune, dance a little dance, smile a little smile for me.
Oh, what a smile.

Oh, and read some Proverbs if you get a chance! It is GOOD stuff.
Proverbs says to work hard, seek out wisdom, and stay away from
evildoers and the adultress woman. Fear God, and all will be well.

OK, sad story of the day:

So I had just gotten through a rough day of two intensive
classes, one of which was a killer exam. I then go to teach
five lessons. All is going fine.

In comes the sadness.

This sweet, cute little girl that I just adore, turns to me in
the middle of the lesson and says, "You don't have a ring.
Are you not married?"
"No."
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
"No, I don't."
"So...nobody likes you?"

This is the part where I want to say, "OK, give me a minute.
I'm going to go cry and then we can finish our lesson."

But no. I just explain that lots of people like me, I just don't
have a boyfriend. I know she didn't mean it like it sounded.
She is just a blunt little girl.

Anyways, it was kind of a funny/sad story I just thought you might
get a kick out of. Hahaha, Lisa is having a "Man, I feel pathetic"
moment. hilarious.

All that aside, I'm doing great. I talked to my friend Phoebe tonight
and she told me she likes me, haha. AND we're going to hang out
tomorrow night, maybe drink some Brazilian lemonade, maybe go
to the Jazzhaus.

Life is good. Sometimes I just have little "OK, it's time to cry" moments.
I've come to realize though that it really has little to do with the
circumstances of my life. It's more just like the story of being me.
I guess we all have those moments, yes?

But school is going well. Practicum is going well. I am formulating this
theory that I want to do my research project on about how music is a
mood/motivation regulator and that more emotional people are drawn
to music and creative expression because it is actually a form of
regulating their tumultuous emotions. Can I hear an Amen from all
my emotional sistas and brothas holdin' down steady jobs? Is it not
da truth? Don't lie to me now.

mmmm....k, oh! and guess what else? My research prof. keeps telling
me I am smart, and I am having this little moments in my days where
I say to myself, "You are smart," and I'm almost starting to believe it!
I mean, I know I'm a bright enough cookie, but I've never really thought
I was the brightest cookie in the jar, or even one of the top ten.

But maybe I am the fifth brightest cookie in the jar. Maybe I am smart!

mmmm...we'll hold on that one. Tomorrow I'm likely to do something
stupid and blow that theory. haha. Oh, well. Maybe not. Maybe I just
became smart but I haven't figured it out yet.

What is smart anyway? I'm kind of a deep thinker. I'll be smart in that
way. I'll leave the other ways alone though, so those genious people
(you know who you are) can hold us all to a higher standard.

Alright, enough of this smartness business. You don't have time to read
all this!!! Go, live your life!! Be smart!! Own your smartness!!

One last thought: If you feel like you don't understand what God is doing
in or with your life, think on this - God wants bigger and deeper things
for us then we want for ourselves. So sometimes it's uncomfortable
'cause he's making us bigger and deeper Christians with bigger and
deeper experiences that we don't always enjoy. But just let him do it
because he's molding us into pots and jars that will hold more water
in the end.

Dear Lord, I may be a little sad sometimes, a little slow sometimes, but
mold me anyway. Thank you. I know I don't deserve your love.

School is upon me. I like school. You learn cool things because
of school. I get to work with troubled adolescents this semester.
I get to play and listen to music with them and that is wonderful!

I hope you are doing extremely well right now. If you're not then
I'm going to zap you with a gigantic zapper.

Ok, that was weird. But you're ok, aren't you? I didn't think it would
really hurt you at all. So if it did, well, maybe it will make your day
a little bit more interesting anyways. "Hey, guys, I got zapped with
a gigantic zapper today." "Woah, are you serious?"

See?

OK, I don't know what's going on with me, but it probably should
stop now.

To totally change gears, I ran across this old writing the other day,
and I still like it. Might as well post it. : )

July 13, 2003

May I ever be true to my heart
May I ever give love away
with the purest of motives
and sincerity

May I ever put my hope in God
and be assured,
though man may question
every move and test me
with sharp arrows that
just barely miss my heart

May my love be ever patient,
remembering the one whose
patience was my security
when my thoughts had come
to a dead end after so many
wrong turns in my mind

May I ever gain the strength I need
to love selflessly
simply from knowing that the one
who painted the sky blue
loves me deeply and without condition

May I ever trust that the same
God who searches my heart
will protect my heart
from those who would decieve
and harm it

Lord, defend and gaurd my heart,
that I might be able to
love without fear,
and not fear that I
will never be loved back,
for that is not why I love

May I ever give love,
because although I had nothing to give,
love gave me everything I need
And may I ever allow this love to
take from me all that
would keep me from
ever being true to my heart

Later, folks.

I have street cred.
Yes, it's true. I am now 20 points cooler than before.
Why? Why, you ask?

Well, in my book, playing your guitar and singing on a
street corner in downtown Kansas City all by yourself
on a Friday night is worth exactly 20 points. And
that is exactly what I did last Friday night! It was kind
of crazy what with almost getting lost and the nice
police man who informed me that you're not supposed
to play up against the buildings but instead play on
the opposite side of the sidewalk, but all in all...it was
GREAT fun! I made a friend and I generally sang my
little heart out, in part to cover up my general lack of
guitar skills. HA!

On a more serious note, Pastor Bill gifted me today with
an amazing Sermon. Thank God for his ministry. He
preached on a passage in Acts 8 about Simon the sorcerer
and how he wanted to recieve God for his own gain and
then he turned that around and applied it to us today.

I was so convicted. He talked about how some people
might come to church because they want to work on
their marriage, but then if their marriage gets fixed, they're
happy and they don't really need God anymore. So then
they've really missed the whole Gospel.

We can't come to God for any other reason than for HIM alone.
We can't come for bread or for a nice life or for nice kids, etc.
That is not the gospel.

In my case it might go like this: God, I'll serve you, but I really
would like you to give me a nice life with a nice husband and
family, ok? So I'm going to go out and try and find this since
you don't seem to be doing much about it.

No, Lisa, no! There are two extremes here: sitting around and
moping about being single and getting bitter that no one magically
falls into my lap....and then just dating like a maniac, trying so hard
to find someone that fits, sometimes trying a little too hard to make
it fit and make it fill me up when it wasn't made to.

I'm done with both extremes.
God, I just want you, ok?
Thank you for forgiving me and giving me many chances to figure
out that YOU are the one I need to look to everyday. You are the
bread of life. It is you, Jesus. You alone. I'm so sorry that it is
so easy for me to forget this and start getting uptight about
whatever is bothering me on a given day. Please help me to
stop focusing on things that were never meant to fill the hole
inside of me. I am empty unless you fill me.

Alright, friend. There is my brutal honesty for today. Now I've
just got to stick to above paragraph. I may need some encouragement
though, ok? : ) Take this as my encouragement for you as well to
focus on the one who has the words of eternal life and the only one
who both fully knows and fully loves us. Isn't he so beautiful? I wish
we could see him better with these human eyes. It will be so good to
finally see him and really be with him someday.

Friend, I need forgiveness. When I'm trying too hard to do things my
way, I not only hurt myself, but I hurt others. That's just the way it works.
Praise God that He is greater then our sin.

God, I can relate to the Derek Webb song "Wedding Dress" tonight.
Help me to repent of my heart's wandering.

"Sunlight angles on wooden floor at dawn
Ceiling fan is on, chopping all my dreams
What is left of them I take to sleep again
Where I dare pretend I'm more than I seem"
--Wilco ("Sky Blue Sky")

I was gifted with "Sky Blue Sky" and, of course,
it's really growing on me. It's Wilco afterall.
Wilco is just one of those bands for me that
although perhaps the first listen through I'm
like, "Well, that's ok," with subsequent listens
I catch little lyrical things and instrumentations
and such that are just not like any other band,
and I dig it.

I've heard it said that there is nothing new that
a musician/band can produce, and it's all in the
way you put your musical influences together.
So all we songwriting types are doing is piecing
together the way others have done it in the past
in slightly different ways. Perhaps, but I still
think that makes it "new." I don't think it makes
it less original, because nobody can piece things
together exactly like someone else. We're unique
creatures, all with some new way of looking at things
to offer to each other.

But really, the best thing any of us has to offer
anybody else is selfless love, you know? I mean, how
easy is it to just get stuck in your own world, your
own head, and largely forget that you are just a little
piece of a world so much bigger, with purposes so
much bigger to serve than just your own. I guess that
is to say, it is easy to forget about the reality of God,
His sovereignty, His astounding beauty which is fuller
and more complete than the beauty of any one of us
by ourselves, and His limitless capacity to love.

So I want my life to be different. I want to take this life
I've been given and, no matter what God brings me to
and through, always seek to serve rather than be served,
and to offer up a sacrifice of thanksgiving to my great
God. Lord, this is what I want, though I am still far off.

I've been making friends with a lot of homeless people
and random strangers lately. This is what comes of
hanging out downtown latish. Naomi and I met and
talked to this one guy for a long time, and we actually
ended up praying with him before the night was over.
He may not have fit the definition of a Saint, but he sure
seemed to have a connection with and a certain understanding
of who God is.

ALSO, I've been playing my guitar more lately....in the park!
Yes, it is fun to be playing an insturment that you can take
outside into the open air and share with the bugs and the
critters and the random bikeriders and dog-walkers. Fun.

And of course, been cooking a lot. Made a cake last night
using a mixture of cocoa and carob powder (natural chocolate
substitute) and it was pretty yummy.

Wow, why am I writing so much? Guess I feel like I've been hitting
some kind of internal growth spurt and feel the need to share.
Also, this has been a relaxed-paced week that I will look back
on with fondness in a month or two when things are CRAZY busy
again.

One last thing. I have started experimenting with creating percussion
tracks for my songs using fun things like whisks, graters, high heel
shoes and boxes. It's a good time. : )

"I can feel it, now it's time
Open your eyes
Fears be gone, it won't be long
There's a light in the skies
It's ok to look outside
The day it will abide
Watch the sunrise"
--Big Star (checked out from library)

OK, I'm gonna go watch the sunrise. Alright, so I'm a little late for that,
but I'm taking a morning walk and the sun will be rising.

Oh! Have I mentioned my new adorable little nephew? I must. I still don't
think they've picked out a name for him yet, but he's adopted and he's tiny
and beautiful and he's got some flavor is his skin! Yes, he's the first of our
immediate clan with some ethnicity. I'm a proud ant. : )

Hope you are well, friend. If you miss me at all like I miss you, then I can
sympathize with you. Thank the Lord we will all someday be together
forever. But for now, we find dear ones whose faces are near us to keep
our lives company, and it is beautiful.

Journal snippet from the end of a long analogy
about the dying of a love once so beautiful being like being
on a boat out in the ocean and then jumping ship when the
sun goes down, still holding onto the hand of the one you love,
the one who is beginning to sail away:

"Though at present we sail in darkness, the sunlight is both
a part of our past and our future lives."

I can't deny - I am dramatic.

Today I feel sad. But don't worry, I know that God will make
all things clear in time.

I need to get out of my apartment now. Bye, friend.

May God bless whoever it was that was praying for me this morning,
or in general. (I suspect my dear mom)

I was really depressed last night and this morning, but then God gave
me this song that somehow lifted me out of it, though it may not
seem like a really happy song. Here's the song:

Man of sorrows
Help me in my sorrow
You have taught me to call on Your Name
Help and heal me
Keep me ever near Thee
Make me so sure You'll not turn me away

Man of sorrows
Help us in our sorrows
Though we're like clouds ever drifting away
You have bought us
With a price so precious
May your broken body confront us when we stray

Man of sorrows
Help us in our sorrows
Against self-pity give strength to contend
May we know you
Deeper through the sorrow
That in your mercy you allow or send

I wrote this a few months ago, but somehow, it feels very
appropriate for today. I am going to now post it online to
try and make myself feel special. You see, I'm not feeling
exceptionally special today. Just being honest. But that's ok.
Even if I'm not...I really am, you know, because of who I belong
to (God). Alright already, here's the thing I wrote.

Change and I are solid friends
I move in circle as he bends
Seldom has a day gone by
That he's not saved me or caused me to cry
I love him, though I sometimes fear
I aught not love him quite so dear
For I cannot rely on him
To be there with me to the end
But when the dreadful day to day
Has robbed my inspiration's' play
I am reminded once again
How change can be my solid friend

I dunno. I'm no poet, but sometimes I really like to try.
Basically, sometimes I need change. Then other times,
change barges in and takes over, despite what I percieve as
what I need.

This is one of those times. Yes, things have changed. That one
particular relationship still eludes me - by just a hair, just a
seemingly small matter - that is, the future. It seems small now,
but when I think about it, I suppose this is for the best.

It is interesting to me to note what it was about this past relationship
that didn't sit well with me - this being the matter of stability. I've
never felt that this was a big deal to me, especially considering I am
a songwriter myself and can understand the desire for that to be your
line of work. However, when I consider the possibility of children and
how that would completely change my goals in life, I crave a security
that those goals would be without question taken care of.

Not to say that this matter is a closed case, but for right now, the
singer/songwriter, Catholic man and I are working on our friendship.
Sigh. It is alright. Psalms 30 and 31 helped me out when I was feeling
down last night. I'm so glad I have finally made it to the Psalms in my
personal reading.

So, friend, how are you? Go ahead, tell me. OK, ok, so I won't hear it
and you'll be talking to a computer screen, but still, I'd like to know.

OK, here's another piece of writing. This one has a melody, but it needs
more verses to graduate to being an official song.

Who can tell a heart such as mine-
Where sadness lingers on the vine-
Which broken dreams to stoop and men
Which tears to prune and which to end

Who can hear the tangled truth-
All woven in with sweet vermouth-
Entrust it to the Hands of time
And chase the sorrow from the wine

And here is a little nesting dream I have every now and then when I pass
little houses and think about a life I do not now own.

Someday we two shall live in a little house together
On lazy summer nights we two will go out walking
Someday the dreams we dream will hold us close together
Then with the morning light we'll start all over

Someday these hills shall rise up to the setting sun
Someday this tune shall float out to the ocean
Trees will wave their feathered wings in time with the rhythm
And to the echo of that beat we'll fly along with them.

You know what? There have been a lot of break-ups lately!
It's not just me anymore...It's CATCHING!! Watch out!
Seriously, two really close friends of mine have caught the
break-up bug. All you out there who are happily together
with someone...give them a big kiss today! For real!!

"It's a lonely world. Everybody's grabbing what they can get.
Love is wonderful you've heard. Don't know if you've seen it yet.
But you can't miss it when it comes. Don't settle for less then love."
--The Normals

You know, I have loved much in these past few years. I have
genuinely loved and have been genuinely loved, at least, I really
believe this. This I do not regret. Love is wonderful, I know.
But sometimes, it does not make up for the lack of commonality,
compatability, or whatever. That is a sad fact. But it IS ok.
You've gotta appreciate the experiences you are allowed for
whatever unknown reason. This is what I think anyway.

Thanks for letting me share. I just might work on some music stuff
tonight. I love summer.

I'll let you know if anything significant changes, as it often does.
Thanks for caring, and/or reading. : ) You are FABULOUS!!!!!

Thunder is rumbling low out my window. Also, there are
firecrackers popping. It's a nice, unusual combination. Lots
of racket. I like it.

Friend, things are changing. Guess they always are in one
way or another.

I had such a nice weekend at home. It was fun to hang out
with brother, sister, families, and my cousin and his pregnant
wife. They are all such great people. I had a lot of fun just
being around all of them. It made it kind of sad to come
home to my lonely apartment. But I have my fishies, and more
importantly, so many good friends and people in my life who
care about me.

Speaking of people who care about me, it has been a little tough
lately to handle how much two certain people care about me. This
care is taking the form of vehemently disaproving of my choice of
boyfriends. Please pray for this if you think of it. I want to be
respectful but still make my own decision, regardless of the fears
and criticisms coming from these two whom I love and respect. I
know the criticisms are coming from hearts full of love and concern,
I just believe that how a person lives their life is far more telling of
their theology then what church they attend.

Of course, I only hold this belief to a certain extent. I mean, I don't
think it's just about being a nice person or something. You have to
believe in Jesus and trust His merits to save you. You need to rely
on the truth of His Word. But combined with these things, the most
important factor for deciphering someone's spiritual condition I
believe is the way they love others and their integrity.

What do you think? Anyone have a word for me on dating a Catholic
(also with Orthodox leanings) who appreciates the liturgy and the
reverence of the Eucharist upheld in this church? He's not a hardcore
Catholic in every way, but he's found a spiritual depth there that has
been very beneficial, having come from Protestant churches that just
weren't making the grade as far as challenging him to grow in his
walk with Christ. He's not anti-Protestant, he's just found something
that works better for him at this time in his life.

I'm done with my summer class. I'm looking forward to a nice July.

Hope you are well. I think I might take a walk.
Psalm 23 really is wonderful during times when you feel so insecure
and without support. I am glad for the support of my Father and for
the love of my family and so many others.
Lord, please let me serve you.

Hey, check it out! I found a minute.
A minute made for updating this thing.
Yes!!!!

Dying to know what's going on in my world?
I just know you are...

All the juicy little details, all the fun facts, the
random Lisa trivia...oh boy...here it comes.....!!!!

Alright then. Don't know what that was about.
Sometimes I like to make excitement for myself,
like last night when I took a walk across the bridge
late at night (don't tell my mom. and don't worry, it
was well lit, and it wasn't that late). There was just
something fitting about all that raging, rushing water
after all that rain and after all the insanity of the past
couple weeks of school work.

Serious insanity, folks. Projects, papers, presentations,
the works.

But look who's still standing? M-E, Lisa! Whew, it was
a close one though. It almost beat me down.

OK, so about that boy I mentioned last time....(I bet you
think I'm gonna say we broke up, huh? guess again my
oh so logical friend). He identifies himself as a Catholic.
This has been an interesting journey for the both of us,
you know, trying to figure out what really matters and
what really doesn't.

I must say, I have learned a lot about the whole concept of
the centrality of the Eucharist and other things that I never
really got about Catholics. Turns out, while I may not
totally agree with all of it, I can see where they're coming
from, and I don't think it's a "deal breaker."

This guy has way a lot going for him, and also, we seem to
have a lot going for us as a potential unit. But of course,
that will all be made more clear in time, one way or another.

I'm not getting married next month, or in 3 or 6 or 8 or 9
months. Check back with me in 9 and I'll let you know how
things are going...if they still are going...as the Lord leads.

Oh, get this: he's a songwriter. He writes awesome historical
fiction type songs on topics ranging from two grave diggers
having a theological discussion in ancient Ireland while
contemplating taking the gold coins from the eyes of the
corpse to go buy a round of drinks to Hurricane Katrina, to
Coalminer's in Kentucky. Isn't that fun?

Alright, hope you've enjoyed the update. Sorry it's taken so
long. I'm just SO glad to have made it through the semester,
with just two measly finals to go next week. I'm pretty much
finished.

I MISS YOU. (you are my special blog reader and I appreciate your
interest in my life. The feeling is mutual, so let me know how
you're doing...you know...if you want...and have time...for real)

One last thing:
God cares about those in need, aka, all of us.
He not only hears our prayers, he works all things out in the
best possible long term way. Trust Him.

First of all, I have to say, "Lord, be merciful to the families
and communities affected by this shooting tragedy. God,
forgive us for the evil that we allow to live in us. We need
your forgiveness and your love to fill us."

Oh, man. Do you want to know what's going on with me?

It's been FOREVER. I'm glad you still care. Yes, I'm talking to
you, you person reading my blog. I know there's at least two
of you out there!! : )

It's been so long because it is hard to post my inner monologue
ramblings when they are going through such formation, and also
when you're so crazy busy with school stuff. Yes, we have entered
the crunchy crunchy crunch time zone place where there are ten
times more things to do than there is time for in a nice and relax
paced day.

BBBBLLLLAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! I love my life, really. No,
seriously....it's busy, but I really do like this music therapy stuff
and teaching piano lessons.....

and then also there's this wonderful thing of....should I say it?
I can't not say it. I've met someone. Yes, someone indeed.
Want details? Too bad, that's reserved for real conversations,
hee hee.

Thanks for reading! We have so much to be thankful for, agreed?
I hope all reading are enjoying wonderful Spring weather. I love
it. And if you're not, may the sun find you soon.

I leave you with the title of a great Johnny Cash song I've become
acquainted with: "That Lucky Old Sun (Just Rolls Around Heaven All
Day)." Also, there's this great band called "Hem" that is somewhat
similar to "Over the Rhine"...except different (I've never heard anything
quite like it...very relaxing, soothing, country-esque). Good stuff.

Oh, and Mark, thanks for sending that CD! : )

Poor, neglected blog

I know it's been a while. I'm glad you care, Mark.
: ) That makes my blog feel loved and appreciated.

So ummm....where to begin? (scrounge, scrounge,
refer to journal...scrounge, scrounge..)

How can I even explain how much more happy I am
lately than a few weeks back. Emotion, emotion,
you continue to amaze me.

"Renovation of the Heart" (Willard) has a lot to say
on this topic, and that has been really encouraging
to me lately. He talks about how the mature
Christian who has taken on the attitude of Christ
will have the freedom to choose to act on, or to
refrain from acting on his/her emotions, although
he/she can't help having them. How we respond to
our emotions shows where our commitments really
lie, and what is most important to us.

I think it's easier to be happy when the weather is so
so so NICE. mmmmmm, beautiful Spring, you are
my friend. I love the midwest best of all in Spring,
hands down.

OK, and I'm trying to make conscious efforts these
days not to let my strange class scedule and piano
lessons schedule throw my sleep patterns into
confusion. I'm trying to get up and go to bed at
near the same time every day, and to start and end
the day focusing on God.

Spring break was last week. I had such wonderful
times with Mom, Dad, Mae and Mary darling. The
highlights were: tea and talking with Mae, talking
and eating weird snacks with mom, and dancing
with Mary and mom in the backyard late at night.

Two extremely exciting things are happening this
Friday. I get to meet someone and I get to play
a concert at Signs of Life. Yup, yup.

OK, back to the grind. I hope and pray all who
read this are well.

I ran across this thing I wrote about a year and a half ago. It's a
comparison between the process I go through in waking up in
the morning and what a flower does as it struggles to grow and
bloom.

Morning Routine

Open your eyes and smile
-Push through dirt
Worry just a little
-Imagine the light
Feel a surge of will
-Energy pulsing underground
Fumble, frantic, clock-watch
-Concentrating on its sound
Get your lead feet moving
-Sprout up, not knowing why
Too much tension rising
-Feel like you could die
All this mounting pressure
-Something beating down in beams
Inside there's a surrender
-Giving in to hopeless dreams
Grab your bag and run
-One final, desperate surge
Try to embrace the sun
-From weariness, emerge!
Forget about yourslef
-Stretch your neck up high
Lost and found and glowing
-Reflect your glory at the sky

Everybody's Got Their Pain

Happy March to all.

I get to sing and goof around with a bunch of old people
tomorrow morning. This music therapy thing just keeps
getting better.

Also, God' strength, grace and mercy just keeps getting
better.

I ran across the original lyrics to the hymn "Come, Thou
Fount of Every Blessing" written back in 1758. They are
incredible, don't you agree:

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,
Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit,
Here Thy praises I'll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here BY THY GREAT HELP I've come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
HERE'S MY HEART, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I'll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

Wow, that just hits the spot tonight. Thank you Reverend
Robertson. You just brightened my evening.

So I've been stuck in some sorrow, on and off,
brought on by the troubles of life and my own
inability to percieve things clearly.
(And probably exacerbated by unfriendly
brain chemicals - sometimes they hit hard)
But God is still faithful, and still helping me to
grow and not get stuck too long.

My friend Naomi and I have started praying together weekly
and this has helped tremendously. Things are looking up.

I've come to realize that when things don't look up, it's not
that God is being mean, it's that He's teaching me something,
and helping me to grow. That's not always easy to accept,
but I thoroughly believe that He is always present, always near,
just as it says in Acts 17:27. If it doesn't feel like He's near,
the problem is with the lens I'm looking through, not the
reality of His love and presence.

Because of these things, I can move on with my life.
Here I go, another little faltering step at a time.

As Naomi reminded me last night...you only have to have
a mustard seed of faith. Thank God for that.

I think you all should know about an important decision I made
last Saturday. I decided it was time....

to become the proud new owner of two AMAZING goldfish!!

OK, so maybe it's not such a big event, and maybe they are
little feeder fish, but I got this cool little aqurium with a
nice filter and light and gravel, all providing a wonderful
living experience for two little fishies who would've
otherwise been fed to somebody's spoiled pet.

So now when I walk in the door, my apartment is not such
a lonely place. It's more happy. I'm happy anyways.

Other than that, I'm doing well and very excited about the
warming trend. Today we're going to get in the 50's!!

Hope you are well. God is good.

So, I'm making some macaroni and cheese.
Just seemed right.

Also...I'm thinking it would be fun to have
a pet! Doesn't that sound like fun? Just
imagine, a little critter to come home to.

We'll see. Maybe a little birdy. Nothing
too high maintenance. Just someone to
say hi and bye to. I think that would be
fun.

Well, that's all my deep thoughts for the
evening. I'm doing pretty good. I have
my moments, but right now I've caught
a glimpse of grattitude. :-) sweet.

Here's a song I can share with the
general public. I have to say, God
continues to be faithful to me, and
it is a continual amazement.

Life continues to throw curves my
way, and yesterday was probably
my hardest day, but born out of
misery, everyone must choose to
live. And you must also choose
to either save your life, or to lose
it in Christ to find it.

These mysteries are beautiful,
though not without clouds that
make the light weak and almost
non-existent at times.

OK, here's the song. Simple, yes,
but very needed last night.

When you have exhausted
Every possible option
With no one left to light that fire
And you come down
When you face the mirror
And you can no longer deny
You're a beggar, thief and a liar
And you fall down
Let it all fall down on me

Come to Me all who are weary
And so heavy laden with grief
And, oh yes, I'll give you rest
When you come down
Come to Me all who are weary
And so heavy laden with grief
And, oh yes, I'll give you rest
Let yourself fall
When you come down
Beloved, rest in Me

Well friends, it's been an interesting
couple of weeks.

I had to break into my own apartment,
sending wood chips flying from the
wall the other day when the little metal
peice got caught, keeping me from
entering my own apartment after I had
taken the trash out, in my pj's, in the
freezing cold. I had no option but to
bust in. Maintenance crew saved me
the next day. No worries. :-)

The yesterday, I took my car in to fix
what I hoped was a minor problem.
Umm, let's just say it wasn't.

And then there's the whole mess of
Kansas residency and tuition, which
I thought was settled. Scrounge,
scrounge, scrounge, hand in paperwork,
etc.

Well, there's some surface-level
happenings.

On a deeper note, I keep finding more
and more things to be thankful for.
I guess there are different levels you
can live on, and I've been frustrated on
some of the more shallow ones lately,
but then, deep down, I keep coming
back to Jesus and finding him amazingly
faithful and forgiving and loving.

Praise God for endless chances to start
over again and optimistically hope for
a better understanding of life through
the trials and confusions that arise.

I am an incurable screw up in many ways.
This I cannot deny.

But ya know what? Back when I had an
easier time denying it, I really wasn't any
more righteous before God.

Dear Lord, help me to understand more of
who you are, and by doing so, become less
of who I am in my flesh.

And please, God, make good of all the things
that seem to go so so wrong - things that
it seems I can't make right, things that just
blow up in your face and scream, "Life is
pain!" Life is also peace and joy, and I'm
finding this more and more to be true, despite
what happens in life.

Have a great week, and thanks for listening.

Oh, and mom is still doing good, all things
considered. It has been rough at times, but
I'm so glad to be heading out to see her
tomorrow! I love my mom.

I got a cheery little call tonight from the trooper.
My mom is doing pretty good, praise God.

Please pray for my dear mom.
She's having surgery to fix a busted
wrist joint from a bad fall. I love her.

Here's an Oswald Chambers gem I ran
across today. It is resounding with me
these days.

The Brave Comradeship of God
"Then He took unto Him the twelve." Luke
18:31

The bravery of God in trusting us! You say -
"But He has been unwise to choose me, because
there is nothing in me; I am not of any value."
That is why He chose you. As long as you think
there is something in you, He cannot choose you
because you have ends of your own to serve; but
if you have let Him bring you to the end of your
self-sufficiency then He can choose you to go
with Him to Jerusalem, and that will mean the
fulfilment of purposes which He does not discuss
with you.

We are apt to say that because a man ahs natural
ability, therefore he will make a good Christian. It
is not a question of our equipment but of our
poverty, not of what we bring with us, but of what
God puts into us; not a question of natural virtues
of strength of character, knowledge, and experience -
all that is of no avail in this matter. The only thing
that avails is that we are taken up into the big
compelling of God and made His comrades (Cor. 1:
26-30). The comradeship of God is made up of men
who know their poverty. He can do nothing with the
man who thinks he is of use to God. As Christians
we are not out for our own cause at all, we are out
for the cause of God, which can never be our cause.
We do not know what God is after, but we have to
maintain our relationship with Him whatever happens.
We must never allow anything to injure our relationship
with God; if it does get injured we must take time and
get it put right. The main thing about Christianity is
not the work we do, but the relationship we maintain
and the atmosphere produced by that relationship.
That is all God asks us to look after, and it is the one
thing that is being continually assailed.


Did you catch that last paragraph?!! Wow, that was
well stated, Chambers. "We do not know what God
is after, but we maintain our relationship with Him
whatever happens." That is a mysteriously beautiful
truth for me today. I want to follow after him, even
though it is almost sure that I will have little idea
where we are going till we get there. Oh, what
wisdom and persistence it takes to discern what
steps to take in pursuing a life in Him. It somehow
helps me to know that ultimately, it is an impossibility
to percieve every step of the journey.

I may not know exactly where we're going, but Lord,
I want to follow you. God help me.

OK folks, here's the lowdown.

12 Things You Won't See in Nebraska or Kansas,
But Will in Israel:
1. Mountanous formations
2. Palm trees
3. Camels on the side of the road
4. 4-tiered waterfalls
5. Signs in Hebrew as well as English and Arabic
6. People wearing large guns who want to stop
and talk to you.
7. 3 thousand year old artifacts scattered randomly
on the ground.
8. Tank tops in December.
9. Place names with apostrophes in the middle of
the words (Ma'agan for example).
10. Large heards of mangy sheep led by Beduin
shepheards.
11. Toilets with two options for flushing.
12. Terracing.

Song fragment inspired by various piles of extremely
old rocks:

You don't talk, no, no
You don't make one little sound
Unless I tromp on you
or throw you on the ground
-Whack!_

Oh, you beautiful, you ugly rocks
Formed into a wall so long ago
How you used to be so much taller
Oh, you sturdy and so homely rocks
Long past being used for anything
You win the prize for staying power

Song fragment inspired by Tel Hazor

Burn the city down, oh
Burn the city down
Joshua said to burn the city down,
Burn it down
Turn this place around
The rich man's stones aren't round
God told him to burn the city down
So long Hazor!


I don't know that there's so much potential
in those silly fragments, but they were necessary
distractions for me at a few moments when
I was struggling to keep my mind focused
on the reality of all the piles of rocks we saw
once being acutal, live cities.

It is too hard for me right now to try and
summarize the trip. I just can't do it justice.
Just to give you an idea, I probably took about
300 pictures. For me, that's a ton. We saw
and experience SO MUCH. My dad is a master
at planning and implementing a schedule. I
am very greatful for the opportunity to benefit
from his experiences and knowledge in this
wonderful country.

By the way, the food is so amazing, especially if
you are a fan of freshness and variety like me.
So many different salads to fill up your pita bread.
Mmmmm, it was tasty. Not to mention like eight
different consistencies of yoghurt and cheese,
and the fallafels and schwarma...and such
amazing things done with the eggplant.

I'm going to go sleep now, ok?
Sorry to cut you off so abruptly, but, well, I'm
kind of tired of talking at you. ha ha, just
kidding. I could never tire of talking at you.
Ha ha, you only wish! Alright then, until we meet again...
have a great day!

Here's a little taste of my trip.

I'm alive.
Israel was....
an experience I have yet to be able to fully grasp
or explain. I could say it was great, I could say it
was enlightening, I could say it was a struggle at
times...but mostly, I don't think I really understand
its role in my life quite yet.

I'll maybe put some actual pictures on here pretty
soon since I used a digital camera for the first time
while over there.

I sincerely hope anyone who might read this is doing
well and I hope that all my friends and family know how
much they mean to me, even if I've been quite absent
as of late.

I appreciate the Truth, and I am still grasping for more
in many areas of my life. Above all, I thank God for
His love and patience with all of us.

I love my parents and my family. I'm so glad for the
time spent with them this break, even for the moments
where our vulnerabilities and weaknesses rubbed up
against each other unpleasantly. It is all part of the
refining, and a part of real love I believe. Thank you, Lord,
for counting us worthy of these experiences that open
our eyes more fully to the light.

I am an official overseas traveler! I am like 20 points
cooler now. Who hoo!!!!