place was called Riverwood Resort and it was near Bennett Spring State Park.
We really enjoyed it!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
A few more recent pictures
Here are some recent photos, one of which is proof that I, yes I, Lisa LaVonne Bender, was a member of a dodgeball team this fall. And not just any dodgeball team - the team that won out of the entire Lawrence dodgeball league! This is very exciting to me because I was completely horrible for like my first 8 games. Then, just recently, I became mildly sub-average. Nonetheless, the whole experience was really fun, or at least, after I got over my aversion to throwing things at people.
The other 3 pics are from our wonderful time at this cabin in Missouri. The
place was called Riverwood Resort and it was near Bennett Spring State Park.
We really enjoyed it!
place was called Riverwood Resort and it was near Bennett Spring State Park.
We really enjoyed it!
Hello. Time for a blog.
It's always a challenge to sum up life, especially when so
much is going on, both in circumstances and inside your
heart and soul. But mostly in my heart and soul. Yes,
there have been some big happenings. One was very sad,
but God was ever faithful in helping Jim and I repair from
an unexpected joy and hope that ended in disappointment.
And there has been a great weekend in a cabin in Missouri
and lots of getting to know Jim's family better, which has
been just great. But bigger to me than the events themselves
is how they, and many other growing situations over the past
several months, have begun shifting me around inside. The
hard situations have begun changing me in ways that I couldn't
have guessed, and would not have chosen due to the death of
self involved, but in the end, very good, and so, they must be
from God, and I am thankful for them. To be quite honest, I
hope some of them I never have to experience again, but I
know that is not for me to worry about.
I don't know what marriage is like for other people, though
I've heard plenty of stories and observed a lot. Still, it's
impossible to really know what it is like for others, since
we're all hardwired in such different ways and experience
things and react to things so differently. But for Jim and
myself, it has definitely been very hard at times. I'm not
saying this to be a downer, but just to be real.
Having said this, I must also say that I have all the hope
in the world that we are getting better at this most every
day, by the grace of God. We've had a lot of those ups
and downs and great days and horrible ones that I hear
are pretty standard for newlyweds. So I'm not worried.
Still, it's not what I expected. I didn't know just how
hard it could on my emotions to be so close to someone
and so vulnerable and affected by them in many ways.
It can feel so out of control, scary, and humiliating. But
I also didn't know how much more full my life would feel
on the good days, which have been many. And even on
the bad ones, there's always this little consolation in the
back of my mind that I know that even though we're
fighting presently, no one is going anywhere, so we're
going to have to figure it out and work through it.
One thing that helps a lot is having confidence in the Spirit's
working in our hearts, and knowing that even when I or Jim
totally messes up, there isn't a mistake so big that cannot be
made right if we are willing to be humble and seek truth and
reconciliation. One thing I have learned is that communication
is huge, but it isn't everything. Sometimes talking gets you
nowhere fast and it is better to just keep your mouth shut and
wait for clarity. Otherwise, the heat of the moment and what
you feel you just have to say to make your point more clear
can get you into trouble. I am definitely still learning that one...
I hope you are staying warm, especially you northerners! We
had our first snow here in the KC area tonight. That wind is
biting! But I cannot complain. Renee would be rolling her
yes for sure, being in Minnesota and all. : ) And New York
can be pretty cold too, although that won't matter too long to
Ms. Shepard since she and Tim are leaving Zoo York for the
wonderful land of Oregon. Exciting times.
I leave you with a few pictures from our wedding back in
September. What a wonderful day in our lives for so many
reasons (see people below who made it so great).
It's always a challenge to sum up life, especially when so
much is going on, both in circumstances and inside your
heart and soul. But mostly in my heart and soul. Yes,
there have been some big happenings. One was very sad,
but God was ever faithful in helping Jim and I repair from
an unexpected joy and hope that ended in disappointment.
And there has been a great weekend in a cabin in Missouri
and lots of getting to know Jim's family better, which has
been just great. But bigger to me than the events themselves
is how they, and many other growing situations over the past
several months, have begun shifting me around inside. The
hard situations have begun changing me in ways that I couldn't
have guessed, and would not have chosen due to the death of
self involved, but in the end, very good, and so, they must be
from God, and I am thankful for them. To be quite honest, I
hope some of them I never have to experience again, but I
know that is not for me to worry about.
I don't know what marriage is like for other people, though
I've heard plenty of stories and observed a lot. Still, it's
impossible to really know what it is like for others, since
we're all hardwired in such different ways and experience
things and react to things so differently. But for Jim and
myself, it has definitely been very hard at times. I'm not
saying this to be a downer, but just to be real.
Having said this, I must also say that I have all the hope
in the world that we are getting better at this most every
day, by the grace of God. We've had a lot of those ups
and downs and great days and horrible ones that I hear
are pretty standard for newlyweds. So I'm not worried.
Still, it's not what I expected. I didn't know just how
hard it could on my emotions to be so close to someone
and so vulnerable and affected by them in many ways.
It can feel so out of control, scary, and humiliating. But
I also didn't know how much more full my life would feel
on the good days, which have been many. And even on
the bad ones, there's always this little consolation in the
back of my mind that I know that even though we're
fighting presently, no one is going anywhere, so we're
going to have to figure it out and work through it.
One thing that helps a lot is having confidence in the Spirit's
working in our hearts, and knowing that even when I or Jim
totally messes up, there isn't a mistake so big that cannot be
made right if we are willing to be humble and seek truth and
reconciliation. One thing I have learned is that communication
is huge, but it isn't everything. Sometimes talking gets you
nowhere fast and it is better to just keep your mouth shut and
wait for clarity. Otherwise, the heat of the moment and what
you feel you just have to say to make your point more clear
can get you into trouble. I am definitely still learning that one...
I hope you are staying warm, especially you northerners! We
had our first snow here in the KC area tonight. That wind is
biting! But I cannot complain. Renee would be rolling her
yes for sure, being in Minnesota and all. : ) And New York
can be pretty cold too, although that won't matter too long to
Ms. Shepard since she and Tim are leaving Zoo York for the
wonderful land of Oregon. Exciting times.
I leave you with a few pictures from our wedding back in
September. What a wonderful day in our lives for so many
reasons (see people below who made it so great).
Friday, October 15, 2010
Hello! I am finally back to blogging after a long departure. Well, you see, I had important business to attend to. June through September was taken up with planning the wedding and also moving since Jim got a new teaching job (6th grade communication arts position at a great school district) in July. So we found an apartment, and it has been pretty non-stop until just recently. The wedding went better then I ever would have dreamed. I love the way my family came together and made it beautiful. I loved all the music, both vocal and instrumental. Did I mention the pipe organ? And Pastor Len spoke such meaningful words to us. I cried right before Dad gave me away, but just a little, under my veil. I'm not sure if anyone noticed. And I just treasured the speeches at the reception. Maralee was sweet and funny, and Mae was pure love. I was so blessed. I am so blessed. Whatever may come in my life, I've already received such a gift just in being able to experience such a wedding to such a good man. Jim's speech was perfect, and I even settled my debts with Renee and Abby (I had to pay them $20 each since we made a bet in college on who would get married first!) and I sang and played a song at the reception. I just really wanted to do that.
Jim and I had a perfect couple days at Niagra Falls, Canada side. We rode bikes around Goat Island and just enjoyed the scenery and basking in the glow of our new life together. And what would a honeymoon be without a fight? We accomplished that one on the plane ride back to Kansas City, ha ha. We're still learning how to live and love together, but I am greatly encouraged by realizing that our fights are getting less severe, and we are getting better at communicating and nipping things in the bud.
I am now a married woman, and honestly, I am loving it. I will not sugar-coat it, there have been, and I'm sure will continue to be in the future, really hard moments and hard days. But having this commitment has been so good. When I have those times when I just do not understand Jim and I don't even believe he loves me or that he wants to understand me, I am coming to understand more and more the work that God is trying to do in me. I am beginning to see that I need to learn to love this man who is very different than me, and that, even when I do not feel it, he really does love me and will not stop loving me when I fail him. That is not an easy thing to really learn and believe, but I've been making good progress, by the grace of God, and thanks to this wonderful man who I now call "husband."
I am so blessed to be truly loved by Jim. I know God's sustaining love is the only love I can fully rely on, because human love can be so fragile, but I am very aware of the blessing I have received in the love of this man. He is very patient and kind, and that makes life so pleasant. He doesn't react quickly. and that can be hard for me at times when I need assurance, but it is also so good for me and such a blessing when I am needing some time to process things. Jim lets me be me, but also challenges me to rise above my sometimes natural inclination to sadness and self-pity.
Alright, enough relationship analysis. I hope you are enjoying this beautiful month! If you came to the wedding, you will most likely be receiving a thank you note from me soon, if you haven't already. Jim and I are overwhelmed and grateful for all the support we received from family and friends before, during and after the wedding. It was a truly amazing experience.
And now, as I transition back into this new "normal" life, I pray that God will increase in me a sense of urgency for pursuing the things above. I want to be committed to prayer and the Word and fixing my eyes above. I do not want to waste my life or squander even one of the rich blessings I have been given. There are so many people to pray for and truths to meditate on, and doing so infuses such meaning in to the everyday duties.
I am enjoying cooking and cleaning and taking care of the apartment, honestly. It all seems so important now that I'm married. I want to bless Jim and make his life as a married man so much better then it was before. I hope I am achieving this. : ) I think he would say yes, because he is nice, and maybe also because it is true.
I want to wish Abby and Tim a very happy engagement!! I was so excited when she called and told me a few days ago. How awesome! I officially like that Tim a whole lot now. He has a very sweet and special girl, and he is smart for snatching her up. It was great to meet him, and also Renee's Matt at the wedding.
I leave you with a few more photos. Enjoy!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Engaged!!
I'm still kind of in shock, but am starting to adjust to being someone's fiancée. Hopefully by the time September 18 rolls around, I will be ready to be someone's wife! Well, not just someone's wife, Jim's wife. Yeah, I think I can do that. He is pretty much the most all around quality guy, and the best fit of a man for me, I've ever had the privilege of dating. We have had and I'm sure will continue to have our share of struggles and conflicts, but I am encouraged to know that we both rely on God primarily, and also, Jim has shown me so much love and grace through the conflicts we have faced so far.
We have SO much to learn. It is exciting though, because marriage gives us this new opportunity for growth like we have never known. I'm pretty sure there will be a whole lot of joy mixed in with that growth. I am so happy, so excited... and kind of scared... but the kind of scared you are before things you know you really want to do... like going off to college, or doing something daring that you've never done before, like a Colorado hiking trip, or performing for a small crowd of people at an open mic night in a strange new city. I know marriage isn't a whole lot like those things, but it's what I have to equate this feeling of excitement to.
I hope you are doing well. I hope you have people in your life who need you and who you need. Whether or not we realize it, we need each other! Anything or anyone who tells you differently is lying.
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Hello and happy June!
Just a quick note to once again say that life is going great these days and I can hardly keep track of all of God's goodnesses to me. Continuing to make (slow) progress on the Thesis and get new piano students. Continue to grow more in love with my Jim. It's so great to finally be with someone where things seem to be steadily and consistently moving forward, it really is. There are bumps in the road, and I still have emotional struggles here and there and we misunderstand each other sometimes, but we're working through it and neither one wants to go anywhere. I'm so happy about that. It is very grounding and real.
Had a great weekend in Lincoln and spent some good time with Mary, Abigail, Crystal, Luke, Brianna, Cristy, Alex, Matthew, Mae, Mark, Maralee, Brian, Josh, Danny, Sivannah, Mom, Dad and Jim. Wow, what a big family I have, and that wasn't even everybody! I really enjoyed the time at the zoo, time at the mall with the nieces, time with Mary at Meadowlark, going to Valentino's with mom, dad and Jim, and time with Maralee and Brian at mom and dad's and at their house. I hope next time I can hang out with Mae a little more. She is so busy with those two little boys. : ) Can't blame her.
Hope you are well, anyone reading this. : ) Hope the summer is off to a great start and that you are productive and at peace and finding time to rest in and grow in love and understanding of God. I'm reading in James these days ("Consider it pure joy..."). If you think of it, pray for Jim's job situation and our future plans, that they would be directed by the Lord and that we would be useful vessels for him.
Had a fun day yesterday. My Korean friend, Nan Sook and also Jim's brother, Bob came over for dinner. I cooked Borscht (beets and cucumbers in a sour cream sauce) and fried cabbage and potatoes, indian style, and it was a nice time.
Just a quick note to once again say that life is going great these days and I can hardly keep track of all of God's goodnesses to me. Continuing to make (slow) progress on the Thesis and get new piano students. Continue to grow more in love with my Jim. It's so great to finally be with someone where things seem to be steadily and consistently moving forward, it really is. There are bumps in the road, and I still have emotional struggles here and there and we misunderstand each other sometimes, but we're working through it and neither one wants to go anywhere. I'm so happy about that. It is very grounding and real.
Had a great weekend in Lincoln and spent some good time with Mary, Abigail, Crystal, Luke, Brianna, Cristy, Alex, Matthew, Mae, Mark, Maralee, Brian, Josh, Danny, Sivannah, Mom, Dad and Jim. Wow, what a big family I have, and that wasn't even everybody! I really enjoyed the time at the zoo, time at the mall with the nieces, time with Mary at Meadowlark, going to Valentino's with mom, dad and Jim, and time with Maralee and Brian at mom and dad's and at their house. I hope next time I can hang out with Mae a little more. She is so busy with those two little boys. : ) Can't blame her.
Hope you are well, anyone reading this. : ) Hope the summer is off to a great start and that you are productive and at peace and finding time to rest in and grow in love and understanding of God. I'm reading in James these days ("Consider it pure joy..."). If you think of it, pray for Jim's job situation and our future plans, that they would be directed by the Lord and that we would be useful vessels for him.
Had a fun day yesterday. My Korean friend, Nan Sook and also Jim's brother, Bob came over for dinner. I cooked Borscht (beets and cucumbers in a sour cream sauce) and fried cabbage and potatoes, indian style, and it was a nice time.
Monday, April 12, 2010
I had to re-post my last entry so I could get rid of
some pesky spam comments. I think I've got that
taken care of now.
Just a quick update to say life is good!! It's amazing
when you realize just how blessed you are, especially
considering the fact that "in this world, you will have
trouble." I know it is not something to take for
granted or to expect, or to grasp, but something to
gladly accept, using every resource and blessing as an
offering back to God.
Jim and I are back together. We needed to take some time
apart to re-evaluate things, so we took it. I honestly
didn't know how things were going to go. At some points,
it looked completely like it was over. I guess it's all
for the best though now, because God gets all the credit
for bringing us back together and, amazingly, making all
things new. That verse about new creation means more to
me than ever.
2 Corinthians 5:17 - Therefore, if anyone is in Christ,
he is a new creation; the old has gone the new has come!
Praise God for his new mercies, great love and faithfulness.
Jim, I love you.
Had a really fun gig at "Signs of Life" last Friday. Jim
and Ikuyasu played guest spots on piano and shamisen. It
was a great time, and Naomi, my dear, dear girl, came up
from Wichita! I was so floored and felt so honored that
she would do that, considering her current health issues.
She is out of the hospital, but still living within 3
miles, so she is definitely in the recovery phase, big
time. I'm so glad her cousin moved from Seattle to live
across the hall from her and help her out. That is a
good cousin! It was great to meet him and to see her
smiling face. What a trooper. I played "Tear Down the
Telephone Poles" on special request for her. : )
some pesky spam comments. I think I've got that
taken care of now.
Just a quick update to say life is good!! It's amazing
when you realize just how blessed you are, especially
considering the fact that "in this world, you will have
trouble." I know it is not something to take for
granted or to expect, or to grasp, but something to
gladly accept, using every resource and blessing as an
offering back to God.
Jim and I are back together. We needed to take some time
apart to re-evaluate things, so we took it. I honestly
didn't know how things were going to go. At some points,
it looked completely like it was over. I guess it's all
for the best though now, because God gets all the credit
for bringing us back together and, amazingly, making all
things new. That verse about new creation means more to
me than ever.
2 Corinthians 5:17 - Therefore, if anyone is in Christ,
he is a new creation; the old has gone the new has come!
Praise God for his new mercies, great love and faithfulness.
Jim, I love you.
Had a really fun gig at "Signs of Life" last Friday. Jim
and Ikuyasu played guest spots on piano and shamisen. It
was a great time, and Naomi, my dear, dear girl, came up
from Wichita! I was so floored and felt so honored that
she would do that, considering her current health issues.
She is out of the hospital, but still living within 3
miles, so she is definitely in the recovery phase, big
time. I'm so glad her cousin moved from Seattle to live
across the hall from her and help her out. That is a
good cousin! It was great to meet him and to see her
smiling face. What a trooper. I played "Tear Down the
Telephone Poles" on special request for her. : )
As a Christian, I do not have a right to
govern and direct my own life as I see fit.
I am daily putting to death the desires of
my flesh in favor of being identified with
Christ in his death, and living unto him.
I have a right to the spiritual blessings
that are in Christ, to claiming the fruits
of the Spirit, but not to deciding how and
when anything plays out in my life. It is
my job to only lay down my rights to anything
in this world, and unite myself to the vine,
for without him, I can do nothing.
That's what Christ himself told his followers.
"Without Me, you can do nothing." (John 15:5).
I know that is true. Dear Lord, I want so many
things, have so many desires, but my deepest
desire is simply to know you, to remain in you,
and to claim those fruits of the Spirit that are
mine now because of Christ. Please, help me.
I have had an extrememly blessed and awesome past
couple of days. You see, I decided to visit my
brother in Florida! Loren had a few days off
from his grueling computer programming teaching
job, so we went to Sea World and to Sarasota and
to a bird sanctuary, in the pouring rain! It was
all so much fun and such a blessing to me. We
also had so many good talks, laughs, and watched
a couple movies.
Sea World was super cool. It didn't hurt that the
weather was absolutely perfect on Friday. I loved
the dolphin show and the water ride, oh, and feeding
the dolphins! I know, I felt like such a kid. Oh,
and Loren grilled some meat that night and we ate
dinner out by his pool. Very nice. We went to
church together on Sunday too. Yeah for having a
cool older brother who lives in warm, sunny Florida!
I've been doing a lot of thinking, but not a whole
lot of feeling lately, which has been alright. I
kind of went through the drama pretty hard for a
bit, trying to figure too many confusing things out
all at once. I know God was guiding me and helping
me, but all of it left me once again feeling a little
like, what just happened? Am I really a single girl
again? Am I making any progress toward maybe one
day finding a man I can respect and who will love me
for the rest of our days together? God only knows.
I trust him. If I do ever finally come to that day
of feeling sure enough to commit my heart to one
good man, oh, what a day that will be!
For now, I will wait. God knows what he is doing. I
will keep resting in that. I have so much to be
thankful for! This trip to Florida has really
re-opened my eyes to what a great, big world I live
in, and how there are so many opportunities out there
for the taking. I'm excited to think of the next
phase... once I get this Thesis written!
I am glad that my dear Naomi, who has been suffering
from a serious heart condition, is doing better, but
still is having to deal with so much during this time
of recovery. She is very much on my heart lately.
Also, I miss my family and my Renee and Abby. I hope
you all are doing well. And any other dear friends and
acquaintances who may read this, may you be blessed
today with this knowledge, that if we remain in Him,
we will bear much fruit, to the glory of God! May you
seek him today, and may the true light of his love fill
you with love, joy, hope, and a peace that passes
understanding.
Through Christ, we are made holy and blameless, if we
continue in our faith, firmly established and steadfast
and not moved away from the hope of the gospel.
(Colossians 1)
govern and direct my own life as I see fit.
I am daily putting to death the desires of
my flesh in favor of being identified with
Christ in his death, and living unto him.
I have a right to the spiritual blessings
that are in Christ, to claiming the fruits
of the Spirit, but not to deciding how and
when anything plays out in my life. It is
my job to only lay down my rights to anything
in this world, and unite myself to the vine,
for without him, I can do nothing.
That's what Christ himself told his followers.
"Without Me, you can do nothing." (John 15:5).
I know that is true. Dear Lord, I want so many
things, have so many desires, but my deepest
desire is simply to know you, to remain in you,
and to claim those fruits of the Spirit that are
mine now because of Christ. Please, help me.
I have had an extrememly blessed and awesome past
couple of days. You see, I decided to visit my
brother in Florida! Loren had a few days off
from his grueling computer programming teaching
job, so we went to Sea World and to Sarasota and
to a bird sanctuary, in the pouring rain! It was
all so much fun and such a blessing to me. We
also had so many good talks, laughs, and watched
a couple movies.
Sea World was super cool. It didn't hurt that the
weather was absolutely perfect on Friday. I loved
the dolphin show and the water ride, oh, and feeding
the dolphins! I know, I felt like such a kid. Oh,
and Loren grilled some meat that night and we ate
dinner out by his pool. Very nice. We went to
church together on Sunday too. Yeah for having a
cool older brother who lives in warm, sunny Florida!
I've been doing a lot of thinking, but not a whole
lot of feeling lately, which has been alright. I
kind of went through the drama pretty hard for a
bit, trying to figure too many confusing things out
all at once. I know God was guiding me and helping
me, but all of it left me once again feeling a little
like, what just happened? Am I really a single girl
again? Am I making any progress toward maybe one
day finding a man I can respect and who will love me
for the rest of our days together? God only knows.
I trust him. If I do ever finally come to that day
of feeling sure enough to commit my heart to one
good man, oh, what a day that will be!
For now, I will wait. God knows what he is doing. I
will keep resting in that. I have so much to be
thankful for! This trip to Florida has really
re-opened my eyes to what a great, big world I live
in, and how there are so many opportunities out there
for the taking. I'm excited to think of the next
phase... once I get this Thesis written!
I am glad that my dear Naomi, who has been suffering
from a serious heart condition, is doing better, but
still is having to deal with so much during this time
of recovery. She is very much on my heart lately.
Also, I miss my family and my Renee and Abby. I hope
you all are doing well. And any other dear friends and
acquaintances who may read this, may you be blessed
today with this knowledge, that if we remain in Him,
we will bear much fruit, to the glory of God! May you
seek him today, and may the true light of his love fill
you with love, joy, hope, and a peace that passes
understanding.
Through Christ, we are made holy and blameless, if we
continue in our faith, firmly established and steadfast
and not moved away from the hope of the gospel.
(Colossians 1)
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Life is interesting. Life is funny. Life is complicated.
Mostly, I like it, but that is primarily because of
this thing where I read words in or inspired by the
Bible and put them into my brain and write them in
my journal, and they make everything else in my brain
sunny, even when it's been super cloudy. Praise God
for His Holy Spirit and the Word that lights my path.
Putting His Word in my head, I truly believe, changes
the very nature of my brain and my person as a whole.
It is transforming.
Today I found a precious piece of time to partake of
that and was struck again by the idea of strength
perfected in weakness. Isn't it amazing that God
can and is actually working out his perfection in
our very bodies?? It makes sense to me that he can
work at perfecting us through our weaknesses, but
only if, in response to those weaknesses, we choose
to cling to him all the harder.
So here's to clinging to God all the harder because
we are weak and flawed. Here's to allowing our
weaknesses to actually be worked out for our good
and for the refining of our souls. We need only
acknowledge him, dwell on his goodness, and seek
his mercy and grace everyday, and every time we
mess up, as well as when we are running well. I
have a feeling though, that the closer to Him we
get, the more we will realize how far we are from
being Holy as He is Holy.
I wonder how much we really get glimpses of that
Holiness being perfected in us. Maybe we all have
the potential for that...I'm not sure. I feel so
very far from it, but I want to "be strong in the
grace that is in Christ Jesus," and to do my best
to present myself to God "as one approved, a
workman who correctly handles the word of truth."
On a personal note, I am a single girl again. Now
that things with the boyfriend have come to a halt,
it has come to my attention that it would be good
for me to just spend some time clearing my head and
centering my heart of the Lord alone. I was in this
past relationship for nearly 9 months, though 7 of
them were mostly long distance. It was good, and he
was great, and we were...mostly good. We had so
many good times together, and so many growing times,
and I really value all the time I had with him. I
admire a lot of things about him and we had so many
great laughs and sweet moments that I won't ever
forget.
There were hard moments, even hard weeks, but I know
that is pretty normal. I'm not sure absolutely, I
just know my heart ran out of faith, ran out of steam,
or something. For some reason or combination of
reasons, it was all too easy for me to question how
much he really cared for me on the deep down level.
I'm not criticizing him because he did so much to show
me he cared, so many kindnesses that humbled me. It's
just that we didn't always speak the same language, to
the extent that I am now needing some time and space in
the hopes of gaining some kind of clarity. I'm not sure.
Maybe it was doomed, maybe I just gave up... maybe you
can make a lot of things work if you really try... I
guess I just need a break. And maybe that means it's
over and I've sealed our fate.
I know God is in control, and that He knows what is
going on. I'll just rest in that for now. I am
grateful for my Bible study friends and family who
advised me strongly to not take my heart in any
direction at the moment, but just rest in singleness
for a while. I think that was wise advice, and I
am doing my best to use this time to re-focus
completely on Him, and trust His hand to guide me,
whatever that means. I am in no rush to do anything
but follow His leading. "Lord, help me, teach me."
I'm doing a lot of reading for my Thesis right now,
as well as teaching piano lessons, leading a choir
for international students (*awesome* opportunity
that landed in my lap!), and getting to know a great
lady from the United Arab Emirates through a thing
called "conversation partners." I have been really
blessed by getting to know this lady, who has 5 kids
and is working on her English skills in order to
complete her PhD in Education at KU. I've also
managed to find one really great open mic night in
Shawnee. I heart open mic nights that are not in
seedy bars! : ) I'll be singing my heart out, along
with some other friendly folks down at Waxy O'Shea's
tomorrow night, most likely. So fun.
I hope you are doing well, whatever you are up to,
dear friend. I wonder, are you in a "workman
approved" and strong sort of state, or in a
"strength perfected through weakness" sort of
place? Are you feeling up and encouraged and thankful
and blessed, or weak and small and lowly in Spirit,
or a combination? No matter what combination it is,
take joy in this sentence I read from C.H. Spurgeon
the other day:
"Better to have a glimpse of Jesus than to see all
the glory of the earth all the days of our life."
Mostly, I like it, but that is primarily because of
this thing where I read words in or inspired by the
Bible and put them into my brain and write them in
my journal, and they make everything else in my brain
sunny, even when it's been super cloudy. Praise God
for His Holy Spirit and the Word that lights my path.
Putting His Word in my head, I truly believe, changes
the very nature of my brain and my person as a whole.
It is transforming.
Today I found a precious piece of time to partake of
that and was struck again by the idea of strength
perfected in weakness. Isn't it amazing that God
can and is actually working out his perfection in
our very bodies?? It makes sense to me that he can
work at perfecting us through our weaknesses, but
only if, in response to those weaknesses, we choose
to cling to him all the harder.
So here's to clinging to God all the harder because
we are weak and flawed. Here's to allowing our
weaknesses to actually be worked out for our good
and for the refining of our souls. We need only
acknowledge him, dwell on his goodness, and seek
his mercy and grace everyday, and every time we
mess up, as well as when we are running well. I
have a feeling though, that the closer to Him we
get, the more we will realize how far we are from
being Holy as He is Holy.
I wonder how much we really get glimpses of that
Holiness being perfected in us. Maybe we all have
the potential for that...I'm not sure. I feel so
very far from it, but I want to "be strong in the
grace that is in Christ Jesus," and to do my best
to present myself to God "as one approved, a
workman who correctly handles the word of truth."
On a personal note, I am a single girl again. Now
that things with the boyfriend have come to a halt,
it has come to my attention that it would be good
for me to just spend some time clearing my head and
centering my heart of the Lord alone. I was in this
past relationship for nearly 9 months, though 7 of
them were mostly long distance. It was good, and he
was great, and we were...mostly good. We had so
many good times together, and so many growing times,
and I really value all the time I had with him. I
admire a lot of things about him and we had so many
great laughs and sweet moments that I won't ever
forget.
There were hard moments, even hard weeks, but I know
that is pretty normal. I'm not sure absolutely, I
just know my heart ran out of faith, ran out of steam,
or something. For some reason or combination of
reasons, it was all too easy for me to question how
much he really cared for me on the deep down level.
I'm not criticizing him because he did so much to show
me he cared, so many kindnesses that humbled me. It's
just that we didn't always speak the same language, to
the extent that I am now needing some time and space in
the hopes of gaining some kind of clarity. I'm not sure.
Maybe it was doomed, maybe I just gave up... maybe you
can make a lot of things work if you really try... I
guess I just need a break. And maybe that means it's
over and I've sealed our fate.
I know God is in control, and that He knows what is
going on. I'll just rest in that for now. I am
grateful for my Bible study friends and family who
advised me strongly to not take my heart in any
direction at the moment, but just rest in singleness
for a while. I think that was wise advice, and I
am doing my best to use this time to re-focus
completely on Him, and trust His hand to guide me,
whatever that means. I am in no rush to do anything
but follow His leading. "Lord, help me, teach me."
I'm doing a lot of reading for my Thesis right now,
as well as teaching piano lessons, leading a choir
for international students (*awesome* opportunity
that landed in my lap!), and getting to know a great
lady from the United Arab Emirates through a thing
called "conversation partners." I have been really
blessed by getting to know this lady, who has 5 kids
and is working on her English skills in order to
complete her PhD in Education at KU. I've also
managed to find one really great open mic night in
Shawnee. I heart open mic nights that are not in
seedy bars! : ) I'll be singing my heart out, along
with some other friendly folks down at Waxy O'Shea's
tomorrow night, most likely. So fun.
I hope you are doing well, whatever you are up to,
dear friend. I wonder, are you in a "workman
approved" and strong sort of state, or in a
"strength perfected through weakness" sort of
place? Are you feeling up and encouraged and thankful
and blessed, or weak and small and lowly in Spirit,
or a combination? No matter what combination it is,
take joy in this sentence I read from C.H. Spurgeon
the other day:
"Better to have a glimpse of Jesus than to see all
the glory of the earth all the days of our life."
Thursday, January 21, 2010
I'm not sure how to start this post, but I will.
I think I just did.
I finished the internship. It was a great experience.
I fell in love with so many dear people in Cleveland
and Lakewood, both clients and friends. I genuinely
loved that place and wouldn't rule it out for my
future, depending on the choices the Lord leads me to.
It's hard to sum up all the different situations and
emotions that I've experienced in the last few months.
Transitions are always weird, and this one was no
exception. But in all of it, I know God was guiding
and protecting me, despite my missteps and mistakes.
I want to share that lately God has been dealing with some
pride in my heart. He knows all things and he knew the
exact way to get me to see what is really inside of me.
He put me in a relationship with a quality guy who is what
one might call a typical guy in the area of emotional
expressiveness. For whatever reason, I have dated a lot
of unusually expressive guys in the past. But the guy
I'm dating now isn't particularly that way. It has forced
me to grow in ways I would not have otherwise.
I tend to surround myself with expressive, emotional people
who say affirming things and pick up on every little nuance
of behavior. It makes being a little passive-aggressive not
such an issue because these types can easily pick up on what
you're feeling and try to bring it out of you more.
But the guy I've been dating (no good reason to use names),
though not as naturally expressive and intuitive as some, has
had the humility and patience to bear with me and learn, and we
have been growing in our understanding of each other and what
it really means to love another person. It kind of makes it
even more meaningful when you finally reach those moments of
understanding, because they were not easily won.
Being in this relationship has shone a light on the role
that pride plays inside of my heart. I have a very sensitive
heart, but also fiercely independent and very passionate,
which means sometimes I am so over-the-top in love, but in
a matter of hours can change to nearly hating that same
person if I feel my love is not reciprocated. I defensively
tear that person down inside if I cannot see specific and clear
signs of their returned love for me. It isn't pretty, and I
don't like to own up to it, but that is what goes on.
I passive-aggressively have a need or want that I don't want
to have to communicate, so I just wait and watch, and if I
don't see signs that the person wants to fulfill or even
understands that need or want, I quite possibly will begin
to turn on that person. I know, I know... that's pretty
messed up. I am definitely still learning how to love with
Christ's love and not my own love that is so flawed.
I want to face this in hopes of changing it. That lives
inside of me, and I don't want it to. But on a positive
note, this guy has been so so patient with me as I've been
facing these things in myself, and we've been steadily
working through both my pride, and he has been learning
how to be more sensitive to me. That's pretty amazing.
We're still on the journey of discovering if we are right
for each other, but on this journey, I want to be focused
on what really matters. It's really not about finding the
perfect person for you (you'll never find perfection in
another flawed person anyway), it's about finding the person
that God desires for you, with whom you can serve the Kingdom
and be a picture of Christ and the church to the world.
The wife is to honor and respect her husband and the husband
is to love his wife even above his own life. It is supposed
to be so utterly beautiful! I will feel so blessed if I am
ever finally led to make the decision to marry a God-
fearing man. It is beautiful, but it requires a lot of
self-sacrificing love. I still need to grow in this area.
"Lord, help me. Help us all to learn more of how to love with
Your love and to consider others above ourselves."
Switching gears...
If you have a moment, I HIGHLY recommend checking out a podcast
of an amazing man of God. His name is Francis Chan, and his
podcast is called "Cornerstone Simi Valley." He is a pastor
of a church in California, is Asian, and is completely sold out
and passionate for God. I have been very encouraged to pursue
my Savior and love him more through watching his video podcast,
as well as some clips of him on youtube. Thanks to my dear
dad for introducing me to this guy!
I encourage all reading to seek to know God more and more this
year, clinging to His precious Word. Get one of those read
through the Bible guides (onegreatstory.com/reading.html),
get a good devotional book (Charles Spurgeon's "Mornings and
Evenings" highly recommended, or "My Utmost for His Highest"),
or whatever is going to get you in the Word and meditating on
our Great God. I'm preaching to myself as well as to you.
Anyone have another suggestion for sources of Spiritual
inspiration or good devotional books? I'd love to hear.
I've been reading 1 Timothy lately, and really enjoying it,
especially chapters 1, 4 and 6, though they are all useful
for teaching and training, of course.
Here's a little snippet from my journal yesterday:
"Because of Christ, I am a partaker in the blessed Kingdom
of God! I, according to his Word, though least in the
Kingdom, am greater than John the Baptist. But regardless
of all the joys and blessings in Christ on this earth and
in this life, 'Come, Lord Jesus, come quickly and capture
your children away! We long eagerly for your return.'
Lord, bless the trials of your children, especially those
suffering in Haiti now."
Thanks for reading. : )
I think I just did.
I finished the internship. It was a great experience.
I fell in love with so many dear people in Cleveland
and Lakewood, both clients and friends. I genuinely
loved that place and wouldn't rule it out for my
future, depending on the choices the Lord leads me to.
It's hard to sum up all the different situations and
emotions that I've experienced in the last few months.
Transitions are always weird, and this one was no
exception. But in all of it, I know God was guiding
and protecting me, despite my missteps and mistakes.
I want to share that lately God has been dealing with some
pride in my heart. He knows all things and he knew the
exact way to get me to see what is really inside of me.
He put me in a relationship with a quality guy who is what
one might call a typical guy in the area of emotional
expressiveness. For whatever reason, I have dated a lot
of unusually expressive guys in the past. But the guy
I'm dating now isn't particularly that way. It has forced
me to grow in ways I would not have otherwise.
I tend to surround myself with expressive, emotional people
who say affirming things and pick up on every little nuance
of behavior. It makes being a little passive-aggressive not
such an issue because these types can easily pick up on what
you're feeling and try to bring it out of you more.
But the guy I've been dating (no good reason to use names),
though not as naturally expressive and intuitive as some, has
had the humility and patience to bear with me and learn, and we
have been growing in our understanding of each other and what
it really means to love another person. It kind of makes it
even more meaningful when you finally reach those moments of
understanding, because they were not easily won.
Being in this relationship has shone a light on the role
that pride plays inside of my heart. I have a very sensitive
heart, but also fiercely independent and very passionate,
which means sometimes I am so over-the-top in love, but in
a matter of hours can change to nearly hating that same
person if I feel my love is not reciprocated. I defensively
tear that person down inside if I cannot see specific and clear
signs of their returned love for me. It isn't pretty, and I
don't like to own up to it, but that is what goes on.
I passive-aggressively have a need or want that I don't want
to have to communicate, so I just wait and watch, and if I
don't see signs that the person wants to fulfill or even
understands that need or want, I quite possibly will begin
to turn on that person. I know, I know... that's pretty
messed up. I am definitely still learning how to love with
Christ's love and not my own love that is so flawed.
I want to face this in hopes of changing it. That lives
inside of me, and I don't want it to. But on a positive
note, this guy has been so so patient with me as I've been
facing these things in myself, and we've been steadily
working through both my pride, and he has been learning
how to be more sensitive to me. That's pretty amazing.
We're still on the journey of discovering if we are right
for each other, but on this journey, I want to be focused
on what really matters. It's really not about finding the
perfect person for you (you'll never find perfection in
another flawed person anyway), it's about finding the person
that God desires for you, with whom you can serve the Kingdom
and be a picture of Christ and the church to the world.
The wife is to honor and respect her husband and the husband
is to love his wife even above his own life. It is supposed
to be so utterly beautiful! I will feel so blessed if I am
ever finally led to make the decision to marry a God-
fearing man. It is beautiful, but it requires a lot of
self-sacrificing love. I still need to grow in this area.
"Lord, help me. Help us all to learn more of how to love with
Your love and to consider others above ourselves."
Switching gears...
If you have a moment, I HIGHLY recommend checking out a podcast
of an amazing man of God. His name is Francis Chan, and his
podcast is called "Cornerstone Simi Valley." He is a pastor
of a church in California, is Asian, and is completely sold out
and passionate for God. I have been very encouraged to pursue
my Savior and love him more through watching his video podcast,
as well as some clips of him on youtube. Thanks to my dear
dad for introducing me to this guy!
I encourage all reading to seek to know God more and more this
year, clinging to His precious Word. Get one of those read
through the Bible guides (onegreatstory.com/reading.html),
get a good devotional book (Charles Spurgeon's "Mornings and
Evenings" highly recommended, or "My Utmost for His Highest"),
or whatever is going to get you in the Word and meditating on
our Great God. I'm preaching to myself as well as to you.
Anyone have another suggestion for sources of Spiritual
inspiration or good devotional books? I'd love to hear.
I've been reading 1 Timothy lately, and really enjoying it,
especially chapters 1, 4 and 6, though they are all useful
for teaching and training, of course.
Here's a little snippet from my journal yesterday:
"Because of Christ, I am a partaker in the blessed Kingdom
of God! I, according to his Word, though least in the
Kingdom, am greater than John the Baptist. But regardless
of all the joys and blessings in Christ on this earth and
in this life, 'Come, Lord Jesus, come quickly and capture
your children away! We long eagerly for your return.'
Lord, bless the trials of your children, especially those
suffering in Haiti now."
Thanks for reading. : )
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