Chased a funny girl around at the pool.
Taught some funny kids some piano.
Ate some Chinese take-out. mmm.

Still working on being more conscious
about my prayer and time with God.
I need to realize how real God is and
involve him in my day to day and have
the priviledge of watching Him work.

As mom reminded me last night, prayer
is so much a beautiful thing, truly. It
is a mind-boggling priviledge that needs
to be taken advantage of much more!

I drank an entire can of vanilla coke tonight!
(The caffiene makes me very excited and
nervous and jumpy....!!!!)

Think I'm gonna go bounce around like a
caffinated bunny. Running, jumping,
bounding through the summer evening
air! Or just jogging. Yeah, that would be
more normal-person esque.

Yesterday on the lovely rural Kansas road
that I drive to my girl's house, I started
writing a song that I really like! Today
I put some chords to it. It's fun to play.
It's about microphones and love and
feeling more like yourself. Make sense?
Um, maybe just kind of?

thanks, you're a pal.

la la la, I like wedding gigs.
What a great way to make $170!
The wedding was so short and sweet
too. A fair amount of pieces to play,
but it was just plain fun. Maybe some
day I will get tired of "Clair de Lune"
and "Wedding March (Here Comes the
Bride," but not yet. "Ode to Joy" is a
very nice recessional.

Things with my girl have been pretty
up and down this week, but I feel
overall very good about this job, and
our relationship. We're still just getting
used to each other, and there have been
many "interesting" moments and situations
(scratches, screaming, potty accidents in
my car, hair pulling while I'm driving, etc.),
but there have also been some incredibly
sweet and bonding moments (singing and
making funny noises together, and just
playing and working through some near
meltdowns together).

God is good, God is so good.

Emotions are funny. I don't completely
trust them, but still, I think they are
very important friends to have.
Sometimes they give horrible advice,
but sometimes they say just the right
thing, and then life is breathtaking.

I really appreciate Jamie.
I really appreciate Renee.

(I appreciate you too)

True friends are the greatest. Wish
I had more of them around me now.

Naomi is in Africa.

I appreciate Kristi, Abby, Bethany,
Kelley, Jenny, Sarah, Kim, Michial,
every member of my family (miss
them!), Caedmon's Call, Keith Green,
and a bunch of other people and bands.

I appreciate my Dad, and you should too.
(My Dad is super awesome guy)

I am going for a jog!

There was a great tension in Lawrence on June 14, 2006.
I was the only one who felt it, and so I felt it for the
whole city. I fought it and I kept on fighting it because
the options were: fight it or die.

In other words, I took a jog/run tonight to get out some
angst.

You might not know it by watching me in a crowd, but
I have a significant amount of fight in me.

Speaking of fight (which I have no one to do that with
tonight), here is an interesting look at God from
Dueteronomy.

"See now that I myself am He!
There is no god besides me.
I put to death and I bring to life,
I have wounded and I will heal,
and no one can deliver out of my hand.

I lift my hand to heaven and declare:
As surely as I live forever,
when I sharpen my flashing sword
and my hand grasps it in judgment,
I will take vengeance on my adversaries
and repay those who hate me.
I will make my arrows drunk with blood,
while my sword devours flesh:
the blood of the slain and the captives,
the heads of the enemy leaders."

--Duet. 32:39-42

That's not so warm and fuzzy, now is it?
Wow, that is the God we serve (or the enemy
we fight in vain against). Don't even try and
tell me my God isn't strong enough to fight
for me when all of my fight gets me nowhere.
He is my strength. He is the one my heart
adores. He is a warrior.

Is fluidity a word? It should be.

Fluidity is my new thing.

Picture a flowing stream of water,
a river perhaps. The water is like
God's plan for our lives. It moves
around rocks, around curves, but
it is not thwarted by these things.

God's plan for my life is fluid. Just
as my thought patterns are fluid
and can change and morf around
different concepts and situations,
so is God's plan for my life fluid.

I know this will sound weird, (I
already told Renee about this),
but that last sentence actually
came to me as I was coming out
of a Sunday nap dream. Someone
was saying that sentence to me
and I had a strong sense that it
was very important for me to
remember it. That's not the exact
sentence, but it's the best I can do.

But now I'm super tired and I'm going
to bed. By the way, Monday's are long,
and kids are exhausting and wonderful,
and Bible study is nice and so is piano.

This is one of those times I should just elect to call
people and talk about the situation because I'm going
to be vague, and I need to talk to real people, but just
for (fun?) I'm going to post about it.

The drama meter is back to the right side (high)
again. But wait! Before you feel dejected or sorry
for me (or whatever it is you feel about me and my
unstable love life), I just want to say: "STOP!"

Why?

Because, I say that LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So what if my road is rocky as all get out some days
and so what if any sane person would just throw in
the towel. I refuse to be sane and give up on
relationships, of all kinds.

If this dude doesn't want to be my boyfriend, then I
will be sad, for a while, but really, I was under no
delusion that he was the perfect male specimen.
I just happened to really like him anyway and wanted
to work those things out together. Presently, he
seems to not want this, and so, why should I get
too bent out of shape about it? I am so thankful
for the chance to get to know him, his history, his
stories, his struggles, and his strengths.

It is a little odd to be on this side of the coin for a
change. Actually, I think I prefer being dumped.
Guess it goes back to my passive tendencies and
my unusual ability to adapt and accept. Maybe.

But really, reading what I just wrote, I don't think
it's that at all. I think God's grace is what is
causing me to feel ok about however this works
out. He has helped me to not base my world too
much on this relationship, and now that it might
be gone, it is freeing to sense that He is right
there, still with me, and it's going to be ok.

God, thanks. I know I might get upset about this
later, but right now I just say thanks. I love you,
I trust you, and I want Your will and not mine.

Honestly though, can you believe he gave me
back the mix CD's I made him? I just have no
capacity to understand GIVING BACK a mix CD.
I love mix CD's.

Just so you know, it could still work out. I know
that this guy is honestly just trying to do the
right thing, and right now he's just confused
about what that is. I still respect him as a fellow
Christian brother and as a person. He has every
right to say what he said to me today. He has
doubts about us. I can understand that, so what
can I say?

As the Nickel Creek song says, "I can't complain."
And as another Nickel Creek song says, "I hope
you find somebody more like you." (However,
he did say he was sorry. He's not a jerk.)

BLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH
(needed to vent some random, unnamed emotion)

Have a super day. And, for one last song quote,
this one from Caedmon's Call:
"Jesus is all I need." (And I hope you know what
this does and does not mean. I still need people,
but deep down, it is Jesus I really need.)

Now, I think I will call a friend. :-)

Life is a wild ride, even in Kansas!

I have been working with an autistic girl
for just two days now, and I love her
already. There is just no way to explain
what it's like trying to get through to
her, loving her, reaching out to her
through humming and singing, and
seeing her struggle through her times
of being so unable to process the stimuli
around her that she just starts kicking
and hitting herself, anyone around her,
and crying/screaming.

Being an ED Para has prepared me for this
very well, to the point where even though
it is draining, I love, really love what I'm
doing. What an incredible job.

I now have about 11 students signed up,
so that is going well too.

How are you? June is lovely, don't you agree?
Love the warm evenings.

Also, I love working through things, really
working through things, and finding that
God's word is such a lamp, and God's love
is such light.

I am in like, big time. Still, I wouldn't say
it is stable. I dunno...this guy has layers.
Last night he caused me to become
surprisingly upset, but strangely, I ended
up likeing him more for it. He made me
mad, like I hardly ever get mad, and it
made something inside of me say,
"Woah, there is some kind of fire here
worth tapping into."

He made me mad because he was trying
to protect me from him, thinking I won't
really want to deal with him and his
emotional fire ways, but I think he is
wrong. I think it is good that he gets
worked up over things, even if he is
tempted to act out in ways that are not
wise sometimes. God can work that out
in him, and I believe that is his desire.

We'll see, we'll see. No promises yet, ok?
OK.

Update from last post:

Drama meter reads semi-stable.
(That means I'm still talking to
a certain guy.)

Who knows, maybe I'll give
stability a try. Seems like a good
idea, no, a GREAT idea!!

God knows. I don't. That's all.

(Oh, and I had a great day for
multiple reasons. Thank God for
being able to clear the air a bit
with someone I thought maybe
didn't even care about me at all,
just as a person. Turns out that
that is not true. He still cares on
some level, and his distance is for
reasons I totally respect. I feel blessed
and thankful. Thanks, Michial)

I'm officially once again employed.

God, you are so faithful.

I'm going to be taking care of and
playing with an autistic girl for about
25 hrs. a week. Also have a fair amount
of piano lessons, so I think I should
survive alright. !!!!! :-)

In other news, I am fumbling around
and stumbling in the dark on certain
issues. Clarity evades me presently

BUT

God is still Sovereign, still loving, still
wise.

Pastor Bill reminded us in church today
of this:

"What can man do to me? Nothing, that
my wise, loving and sovereign Lord does
not give him the authority to do. Therefore,
don't be afraid of what man can do."

Any suffering I go through is not ultimately
at the hands of the male population or my
own stupidity, it is at the hands of my
Father who loves and cares for me, and just
wants to see me grow into a vessel that can
better show Him to the world.

Dear male population,

Why do you confuse me so? Why do I confuse
you so? Do you think one of you could want
to work through anything and everything with
me, no matter the cost? And could that same
somebody please strive to live to fulfill the
desires of the spirit and not the flesh, like it's
a daily battle that must be fought by God's
strength, but also intentionally?

Am I just wacky, misguided, judgemental,
hopelessly insecure about wanting to feel loved?
I want to work on these and other flaws. I really do.

Sincerely,
one from the female group

OK world, that's all I've got for tonight. There's
all my honesty and then some.

Ah, what would my life be without a little turmoil?
A little boring, a little nice.