I need to say something happy.

I bought four new CD's at the
CD tradepost today! (Bob
Marley, Oppenheimer, - anyone
heard of them before? - Jimmy
Eat World, and Mutemath) I also
took a nap! Wow, awesome!

Seriously though, my day was
being emotionally wonky (a
very useful word I just learned),
until mom called me. We ended
up praying and crying together
on the phone. She is such a
lifesaver to me. She really
helped me get some perspective
on some emotional hangups and
self-centeredness I was struggling
with.

Oh, life! You can be so so crazy.
One day I'm staring out my car
window, completely overwhelmed
by the beauty of life and the
sunset that is blowing my mind,
the next I just wish my life would
be over, very soon.

I've just gotta keep growing, or
else I will be a sad person. God,
help me trust you and know you.
I've been way too scattered lately.
I need to pray.

BLAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Why did I ever decide it was a good
idea to go BACK to school? I could
have been DONE with all of this!

grgrgrgrgrgrgrggrgrrgrgrggrgrrrr

Yeah, I seem calm on the outside...
here's the reality: I HAVE ISSUES.

Can I please just start over? What,
you ask? Everything. I just want to
forget about who I have been up to
today and just start all over new.
Starting right now, I am not an
imbalanced goof ball who gives too
much credence to her emotions and
that feeling of distant longing for
something so much better.

I want to be someone who recognizes
those things but is also somehow able
to accept the realities of life and not
just want to cry and/or get in a
relationship whenever the longing
gets to be too much to bear. Nothing
is ever going to satisfy me.....
nothing but the one thing I keep
forgetting about in all the mad rush
of trying to be a responsible adult.

Dang it, I'm a mess! And if it's not ok
to just admit it, well I'm just sorry, the
world will have to pardon my existence.
I am messy, messy inside. I want to cry,
I want to cry, too much, too much. I
want what is real. I fear what I deserve.
I cling to a small hope that I'm not a lost
cause and a faith in Jesus to save me.

God, hold me up. I'm going to try and
just keep going and let you, somehow,
direct my steps. Please, please.....

(thanks for listening to my venting session
#39,489,583,921)

So, here's my deal.

School and deadlines and way too
many hoops to jump through makes
me anxious. School plus 22 piano
students and time with Nattie makes
me anxious. School plus about
anything makes me anxious.

But God is helping me. Today I tried
to stop worrying and quiet myself
enough to just rest in Him.

No matter what I do or don't do, I'm
only going to be effective in life for
the King and the Kingdom if I am in a
vital relationship with Jesus Christ. So,
even if I have work to do, it is more
important to take breaks when I can and
just be still, just relax, just be and just
get happy.

I'm happy.

Also, I'd like to say that I miss Jamie and
I wonder what he is up to. I keep wanting
to call him but then it's like always too late
and I just wonder what he's up to these
days. So Jamie, if you read this ever, I say
hello.

Also, I'd like to say hello to such wonderful
people as Bethany, so far away, Sarah, as
she struggles through a difficult time and
illness, Jenny, holding down the fort in
lovely Georgia, Kelley, being Kelley in crazy
Arizona land, Christy, serving the Lord with
her beautiful life, Jill, setting a glow over
any room in which her voice resounds,
Michial, writing papers and church hopping
and being Michial in a world that needs to
know more of his kind of honesty and
intensity, Abby, writing poems, waitressing,
studying and being in love in NYC, Renee,
lighting a fire of heat and heart and glory
in every soul that gives her half a chance,
Mom, speaking truth and wisdom in ways
that get through to people on the heart
level, Dad, showing love through service
and consistently strong character, Mark,
doing his dad and real estate appraiser
thing in Dallas with wife and all FOUR kids
in line (mostly), Mae, being beautiful, Mary,
loving life and laughter, Maralee, steering
the lives of many boys, Kristi, editing and
being such a quality person with such an
inviting energy about her, and anyone else
who reads this who no doubt is unique and
great.

Hey, wanna know something? That guy
that I mentioned earlier, you know, the
one where it was just friends? Well, that's
still basically true, but we've come to
a mutual understanding that we could
possibly one day be more than that. Is that
called dating? I dunno. But whatever it is, I
think it's completely nice and fantasitc. This
guy is about as crazy amazing and nice
as you can imagine. Quality time, quality
talking, conversations, walking, tuning
my guitar, the show "Lost," church stuff
and music happens between us.

So there's my life lately. Kinda busy, kinda
great, kinda still "the verdict's out" in many
ways. Kinda just great.

Hey, don't get too anxious about anything, ok?
What's the point with that?

Bye. Go be you and smile about it. And when
you need to vent, do that too. :-) See ya.

Hello world.

Ummmmm I dunno.
How are you?
Yeah, so.....what's going
on? It's a nice day outside.
Inside, it's a little stagnate.
I crave a bit more freedom
in general.

Somebody set me free!!! I'm
running around in a small
circle. I want a bigger circle.
I'm speaking figuratively, but
come to think of it, actual
running might be a good idea
too. Maybe a nice straight line
though. Circles, circles, I tire
of circles. This train is going
somewhere, please let it be so.

I'm going somewhere!!!
Here I go! Where? I DON'T KNOW.

Ask me tomorrow. My brain is
like totally fuzzy today. I just
know I want out...of something...
eventually.

Thanks for letting me share.

I just want to feel. Lord, I need to
sing something loud. Jesus, I need
you every minute.

So here's the realization I came to
today...I'm kind of defective. This
word just seems to really sum up
how I feel towards certain emotional
responses I have sometimes.

It's hard when all you want sometimes
is just to feel loved, but you know that
what feels like love isn't always love at
all, and "what feels like torture is a
time to rejoice and what sounds like
thunder is a comforting voice" (Derek
Webb, a la "What Is Not Love").

So what am I talking about? I'm talking
about how I'm getting to know this guy
slowly (must it always be about a guy,
Lis? No, it's just that this is the time in
my life where it often is, ok? I'm just
trying to find a home for my heart, but
I'm trying to do this in a God-honoring
way, as best I can. So just have a little
understanding ok? Oh, I'm just talking
to myself by the way. We're a little
combative at times, haha.) and it's just
so scary sometimes when you're first
getting to know someone, really know
someone.

Part of you just wants to run and hide
and say "He doesn't really want to know
the real me," but the stronger part of
you says, "You don't know anything yet
and you ought not to give so much
credence to your fickle emotions. Just
give it time and for once in your life just
SAY NO TO DRAMA!"

Yeah, if only it were that easy.
But maybe it is! ?? Eh, who knows?
Somebody knows, yeah.

So here's a little song about Kansas and
transitioning into Fall
(or is it? haha, of course not)

Written on a cold day in late summer

Kansas you fall with such grace
but at such a maddening pace
Slow yourself down
it's not quite time for that white wedding gown

Remember last year when you and October met?
You dove in head first, letting him rule your world
but then had to just back out

He tried to forgive you but it was too late
The cold had set in

Kansas, let Fall set the pace
But get to know him first, this 'aint no race
Let life be stable and sane just this once
C'mon, give it a try


How do you like all my honesty? Sometimes I think
I'm too out there with my inner monologue on this
thing....but oh well. I might as well be real with
the world, the internet world that is. The rest of
the world will just have to guess at my inner
realities by observing a calm and collected exterior.
Hahaha, we live in such a hidden world! Oh, that
reminds me of Dr. Wetmore! I miss his classes SO
MUCH!!!! Oh dear, oh dear.

I have a new niece!!!!!!!!!!
Brianna Grace Enns. Can't wait to meet this wonderful
new person! Wonder who she is. Someday I'll have a
much better idea. Congratulations brother and family!

Oh, and the history of Special Education is FASCINATING.
That's all I got.