I'm officially out of a job.

It was a good last week with the
kids. I have lots of memories I
will take out later. Seriously, kids
are awesome. Some of them may
even express appreciation! Wow,
what a blessing.

I feel goofy about blogging. My life
is very three-dimensional lately, and
isn't lending well to this typing words
on a screen thing. It so so so so so
so so so cannot say all that I would
like to say. I can't use hand gestures,
and that's half my vocabulary sometimes!!

(insert large hand gestures, Don Enns style)
(My dad sometimes busts out the hand gestures.)

I will hopefully have some random waitressing
job pretty soon. If not....temp agency here I
come.

I have been hanging out excessively with one
of those male types. Tonight we played Tennis.
Turns out I am happier than twelve larks.
Man, it's crazy to be so happy.
Wonder what will become of this new phase.
I'm very excited to see.

I like teaching piano lessons and cooking and
singing and hearing other people sing and
warm summer nights and Over the Rhine and
Nickel Creek, and changes that come just when
you hardly expected they would.

I like dreaming that deep down, the song beneath
the song is strong and beautiful.

Thank you dear God for this Saturday in May, and
for everything that you are. Wish I could know more
about you. Help me to keep growing in knowing you.

Bye and good night.

It's been a long day folks.
6am Spring Show rehearsal, school,
two group lessons...tired.

But now I am listening to my Chris
Rice hymns CD (piano arrangements)
and it is very soothing. Also have
been enjoying reading Dallas Willard's
"The Spirit of the Disciplines" on
recommendation from my dad and
others. This is my first Willard
experience. So far it's great. It's
about how the disciplines, like prayer,
reading the word, fasting, solitude,
and service (things exemplified by the
life of Christ) are the keys to real
spiritual transformation in our daily
lives and in our mortal bodies.

Read this tonight:
"But now he has appeared once for all
at the end of the ages to do away with
sin by the sacrifice of himself. Just as
man is destined to die once, and after
that to face judgement, so Christ was
sacrificed once to take away the sins of
many people; and he will appear a second
time, not to bear sin, but to bring salvation
to those who are waiting for him."
--Hebrews 10:26-27

Good, beautiful, amazing words. I need
them tonight. Lord, I am waiting. Help
me to always remember you and your
sacrifice that gave me life. I need you.

I just want to say thanks to Jamie for
being such a good friend to me.
He is graduating this Saturday. :-)

Here's to looking to God for solace and
comfort and life-giving truth.

I hope you are doing well friend. A true
friend is something I have come to value
very much lately. True friends are long-
suffering, forgiving, and willing to talk
with you or help you out. I have many of
these, even if I don't always take advantage
of them in favor of just bearing things alone.
Sometimes this is good, perhaps sometimes
not so much, but I'm learning.

OK, I'm done.

I love it when I get to just chill with the "kids".
Today it was lovely outside and I got to spend
about 30 min. with various groups of three
just enjoying the warmth and being buddy-
buddy with them. It's a nice change from
having to be "teacher" all the time. I don't
know if any of them really see me as filling
that role however. I mean, they've gotten to
respect me mostly and listen to what I have
to say, but there's also an undertone of
friendship, and I'm glad for that. It makes
my job kind of fun sometimes.

Today there were three of them crowded
around me at my desk, and I was
simultaneously helping Andrea do ratios
and Trever with dividing fractions (multiply
by the reciprocal, remember? Yeah, I didn't
at first either). It was kind of funny. For a
moment there I felt so loved, so needed....
and then Andrea pushed me off my chair
almost on top of poor Trevor. Thanks a lot!
haha, it was an accident. We both DO NOT fit
on one chair afterall. funny, funny.

Spring show rehearsals are going well. I'm
actually having a lot of fun with the synth stuff.
Favorite so far: playing bassoon and oboe on
"I Got You Babe". It's ridiculously easy, but fun.
Least favorite: playing cheesy synth-keyboard
sound on "Dancing on the Ceiling."

WHAT A RIDICULOUS SONG.
The chorus is:
"Oh what a feeling when we're dancing on the ceiling."
need I say more? really, do I need to?
Yeah, 'cause then there's this crazy sixteenth note
passage that kills my hand all throughout that dumb
chorus. Oh, well.

Oh what a feeling when we're dancing on the ceiling?
What kind of a lyric is that? What was this guy on?
pure 80's cheese, that's what.

And on that uplifting note, I bid you goodnight.

I feel like being really honest, but I probably
will fall very short, perhaps subconciously on
purpose.

Do you know what can be hard? Being an
emotion-driven person at your core, but
also not trusting your emotions.

I'm so idealistic. But I look out of my own
eyes, and that's how I see the world. I see
it as a place with so many unkonwns that,
unless you strive for perfection, you will
probably never even find something half-
way decent. But, if you hold out long
enough, and do everything just right, then
life can be beautiful, exciting, and full.

But what if I'm fooing myself?
What if my idealism is falsley grounded?
Is it a bit humanistic, perhaps, to believe
that I can find some "perfect" life if I just
strive hard enough?

Thea Kronborg from "Song of the Lark"
is a fictional character, but I think she
and I share a few things. I, however,
have many more flaws and weaknesses
than she. She is the idealized one. She
was driven by an intense desire to be
every ounce of the person that she was
capable of being. She sacrificed all else
for the sake of finding that ideal. But in
the end...well, I don't know the end yet.
I've been putting off reading the last
chapter. I don't know why really. Just
have. But I suspect she won't find true
meaning in all her success.

I don't want my desire for perfection to
get in the way of finding a meaningful
life. Neither do I want to sacrifice my
idealism for a road that leads somewhere
I never would have wanted to go down.


I'm just trying to be honest at the end of
a task-filled Saturday. It's technically
tomorrow, but I've only now gotten to
the core of what was driving me all over
town today. I'm confused. I still don't
really know what I want. But how am I
ever going to find out?

I think I'm just tired. Maybe? I should just
go to sleep. Who knows, maybe by morning
something will have clicked together in my
head. That happens sometimes. God helps
us out a lot with that thing called sleep.

Dear God, I thought 23 would feel older. Is it
ok if I hold onto idealism? Can I hope to attain
even a shred of it in this life, or is it all for the
life to come? If so, could you please help me
in this "just getting by"? Could you fill it and
make it somehow more full and alive, and
infuse it with meaning. Maybe then I could
deal with it not being perfect. Yeah, that's
the kind of life I want. Not perfect, but
meaningful despite this temporary blindness.

Someday I will know Truth as clearly as if seeing
it with my own eyes.

For tonight, this is as honest as I know how to be.

God, forgive me, forgive us, for setting our sights
too low or too high. Help us to see and to not
get trapped by trying too hard or not hard enough
to be perfect, like You. Just let us know You more.
Help us live as dead to our flesh, but alive in Christ.

(Have you missed my confused and distraught
posts? Well then, this one's for you. Seriously
though, I'm good.)

It's been a while. Brace yourself. (many words to follow)

I've been journaling a lot lately, but I like to let my entries
sit for a while before I decide what's worth posting publicly.
I don't think I could use this as my journal. I'm not that
mature (or is it just brave or willing to be vulnerable) yet.
But really, I'm pretty much an open book, in general.

Here's my hope: to teach lots of piano lessons this
summer so that maybe I'll just have to get a part time job
doing something else. Also, to find someone to respond
to my add in the paper and take over my lease so I can
move in with Naomi come August.

Presently, God has not moved either of these two things
into place, despite my many flyers and such. So this is
where I, as one who has Faith in Him, say, "God, I'm
looking forward to seeing how you're going to work
this all out in the best possible way," and then I don't
worry. I'm trying. I'm trusting.

Oh, here's a list of CD's I really wish I could buy, but I'm
going to refrain for now, in favor of things like rent.

1. Kris Delmhorst (randomly discovered her lately, and
she is so great! I like her style)
2. Sergiu Luca (violinist - playing Bach. Beautiful)
3. Nickel Creek - "Why Should the Fire Die"
4. Eva Cassidy - "Eva By Heart"
5. Lyle Lovett - "I Love Everybody"
6. Ben Taylor Band (have heard a few songs that I
like)
7. Taylor Sorensen
8. Rosie Thomas
9. Pedro the Lion
10. Bob Dylan (one of his more recent ones - I just
have two of his older ones)

Ah, what a better CD collection I would have...but I
guess I will wait. I will have a bit more money after
the Spring Show (I'm playing the synthesizer parts
for West Jr. High's Spring Show, which is a lot like
the Rock Show from Northeast High School days.)

I've been reading some Dietrich Bonhoeffer lately.
Wow, it's great. A lot of it makes me think of lectures
from the much esteemed Dr. Bob (Wetmore) of Toccoa
Falls College. I know he liked Bonhoeffer. Here's a
quote:

"Factually speaking, Christ has given scarcely any
ethical prescriptions that were not to be found already
with the contemporary Jewish rabbis or in pagan
literature.

The essence of Christianity lies in the message of the
sovereign God to whom alone belongs glory over all the
world. It is the message of the eternally other, the one
who is far above the world, yet who from the depth of
his being has mercy on the person who gives glory to
him alone. He is the one who goes on the way to people
in order to seek vessels of his glory where the human
person is no longer anything, where he becomes silent,
where he gives way to God alone.

Here the light of eternity shines down on those who are
ever neglected, insignificant, weak, ignoble, unknown,
inferior, opposed, despise; here it radiates over the houses
of prostitutes and tax collectors. Here the light of eternity
has been cast on the toiling, struggling, and sinning masses.
The word of grace spreads across the stale sultriness of the
big cities, but it halts before the houses of the satisfied, the
knowledgeable, and the 'haves' of this world in a spiritual
sense.

It speaks over the death of individuals [death to flesh I'm
assuming] and peoples its everlasting word: I have loved
you from eternity; remain with me; thus will you live.
Christianity speaks the unending worth of the apparently
worthless and the unending worthlessness of what is
apparently so valuable."

Isn't that just.... (where's that wheel of adjectives when
you really need it?) amazing? Inspiring and true, for sure.

Through reading this, through wonderful sermons from
pastor Bill on Hebrews 11, and through hard experiences
at school, feeling so inadequate and incapable of demanding
respect from kids that aren't inclined to give it to me, I have
been growing. My mind has been turning different things
around in a way that is affecting my soul, and it's good.

I wrote on April 21:
"Words on paper cannot tell
this sunrise breakthrough in the depths rising.
This love is for and from the same, holy other."

I want to give a shout-out to the Jazzhaus of Lawrence.
I went there for the first time last Sat. It was cool. I
really needed just to be around people that night, so
I took myself down there and listened to the band play.

Michial, if you're reading this, I had some Bill Mallonee come
up on my iTunes today and I smiled. That guy is so honest
in his songs, and so passionate about being honest. I like
that.

Last Sunday I made 105 cookies. (for a friend so he could
bribe his students into giving him a good teacher evaluation.
He's a grad. student in economics)

Some of them were green. (green tea powder - his idea)

OK, there it is - everything I have to say. Oh, wait. One
last thing. A quote (Jamie likes this quote) from one of
my kids, Andrea:

"Don't talk to Lisa like that! She's my HOMEGIRL!"
(said with lots of attitude)

Yes! I love it. Some kids treat me like crap, but then
some would go to war for me. That's not necessarily a
good thing, 'cause she literally would GO TO WAR for
me, but you gotta love the girl. :-)

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I can't believe how long this is. Oh, wait,
yes I can)