First of all, I have to say, "Lord, be merciful to the families
and communities affected by this shooting tragedy. God,
forgive us for the evil that we allow to live in us. We need
your forgiveness and your love to fill us."

Oh, man. Do you want to know what's going on with me?

It's been FOREVER. I'm glad you still care. Yes, I'm talking to
you, you person reading my blog. I know there's at least two
of you out there!! : )

It's been so long because it is hard to post my inner monologue
ramblings when they are going through such formation, and also
when you're so crazy busy with school stuff. Yes, we have entered
the crunchy crunchy crunch time zone place where there are ten
times more things to do than there is time for in a nice and relax
paced day.

BBBBLLLLAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! I love my life, really. No,
seriously....it's busy, but I really do like this music therapy stuff
and teaching piano lessons.....

and then also there's this wonderful thing of....should I say it?
I can't not say it. I've met someone. Yes, someone indeed.
Want details? Too bad, that's reserved for real conversations,
hee hee.

Thanks for reading! We have so much to be thankful for, agreed?
I hope all reading are enjoying wonderful Spring weather. I love
it. And if you're not, may the sun find you soon.

I leave you with the title of a great Johnny Cash song I've become
acquainted with: "That Lucky Old Sun (Just Rolls Around Heaven All
Day)." Also, there's this great band called "Hem" that is somewhat
similar to "Over the Rhine"...except different (I've never heard anything
quite like it...very relaxing, soothing, country-esque). Good stuff.

Oh, and Mark, thanks for sending that CD! : )

Poor, neglected blog

I know it's been a while. I'm glad you care, Mark.
: ) That makes my blog feel loved and appreciated.

So ummm....where to begin? (scrounge, scrounge,
refer to journal...scrounge, scrounge..)

How can I even explain how much more happy I am
lately than a few weeks back. Emotion, emotion,
you continue to amaze me.

"Renovation of the Heart" (Willard) has a lot to say
on this topic, and that has been really encouraging
to me lately. He talks about how the mature
Christian who has taken on the attitude of Christ
will have the freedom to choose to act on, or to
refrain from acting on his/her emotions, although
he/she can't help having them. How we respond to
our emotions shows where our commitments really
lie, and what is most important to us.

I think it's easier to be happy when the weather is so
so so NICE. mmmmmm, beautiful Spring, you are
my friend. I love the midwest best of all in Spring,
hands down.

OK, and I'm trying to make conscious efforts these
days not to let my strange class scedule and piano
lessons schedule throw my sleep patterns into
confusion. I'm trying to get up and go to bed at
near the same time every day, and to start and end
the day focusing on God.

Spring break was last week. I had such wonderful
times with Mom, Dad, Mae and Mary darling. The
highlights were: tea and talking with Mae, talking
and eating weird snacks with mom, and dancing
with Mary and mom in the backyard late at night.

Two extremely exciting things are happening this
Friday. I get to meet someone and I get to play
a concert at Signs of Life. Yup, yup.

OK, back to the grind. I hope and pray all who
read this are well.

I ran across this thing I wrote about a year and a half ago. It's a
comparison between the process I go through in waking up in
the morning and what a flower does as it struggles to grow and
bloom.

Morning Routine

Open your eyes and smile
-Push through dirt
Worry just a little
-Imagine the light
Feel a surge of will
-Energy pulsing underground
Fumble, frantic, clock-watch
-Concentrating on its sound
Get your lead feet moving
-Sprout up, not knowing why
Too much tension rising
-Feel like you could die
All this mounting pressure
-Something beating down in beams
Inside there's a surrender
-Giving in to hopeless dreams
Grab your bag and run
-One final, desperate surge
Try to embrace the sun
-From weariness, emerge!
Forget about yourslef
-Stretch your neck up high
Lost and found and glowing
-Reflect your glory at the sky

Everybody's Got Their Pain

Happy March to all.

I get to sing and goof around with a bunch of old people
tomorrow morning. This music therapy thing just keeps
getting better.

Also, God' strength, grace and mercy just keeps getting
better.

I ran across the original lyrics to the hymn "Come, Thou
Fount of Every Blessing" written back in 1758. They are
incredible, don't you agree:

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,
Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit,
Here Thy praises I'll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here BY THY GREAT HELP I've come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
HERE'S MY HEART, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I'll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

Wow, that just hits the spot tonight. Thank you Reverend
Robertson. You just brightened my evening.

So I've been stuck in some sorrow, on and off,
brought on by the troubles of life and my own
inability to percieve things clearly.
(And probably exacerbated by unfriendly
brain chemicals - sometimes they hit hard)
But God is still faithful, and still helping me to
grow and not get stuck too long.

My friend Naomi and I have started praying together weekly
and this has helped tremendously. Things are looking up.

I've come to realize that when things don't look up, it's not
that God is being mean, it's that He's teaching me something,
and helping me to grow. That's not always easy to accept,
but I thoroughly believe that He is always present, always near,
just as it says in Acts 17:27. If it doesn't feel like He's near,
the problem is with the lens I'm looking through, not the
reality of His love and presence.

Because of these things, I can move on with my life.
Here I go, another little faltering step at a time.

As Naomi reminded me last night...you only have to have
a mustard seed of faith. Thank God for that.

I think you all should know about an important decision I made
last Saturday. I decided it was time....

to become the proud new owner of two AMAZING goldfish!!

OK, so maybe it's not such a big event, and maybe they are
little feeder fish, but I got this cool little aqurium with a
nice filter and light and gravel, all providing a wonderful
living experience for two little fishies who would've
otherwise been fed to somebody's spoiled pet.

So now when I walk in the door, my apartment is not such
a lonely place. It's more happy. I'm happy anyways.

Other than that, I'm doing well and very excited about the
warming trend. Today we're going to get in the 50's!!

Hope you are well. God is good.

So, I'm making some macaroni and cheese.
Just seemed right.

Also...I'm thinking it would be fun to have
a pet! Doesn't that sound like fun? Just
imagine, a little critter to come home to.

We'll see. Maybe a little birdy. Nothing
too high maintenance. Just someone to
say hi and bye to. I think that would be
fun.

Well, that's all my deep thoughts for the
evening. I'm doing pretty good. I have
my moments, but right now I've caught
a glimpse of grattitude. :-) sweet.

Here's a song I can share with the
general public. I have to say, God
continues to be faithful to me, and
it is a continual amazement.

Life continues to throw curves my
way, and yesterday was probably
my hardest day, but born out of
misery, everyone must choose to
live. And you must also choose
to either save your life, or to lose
it in Christ to find it.

These mysteries are beautiful,
though not without clouds that
make the light weak and almost
non-existent at times.

OK, here's the song. Simple, yes,
but very needed last night.

When you have exhausted
Every possible option
With no one left to light that fire
And you come down
When you face the mirror
And you can no longer deny
You're a beggar, thief and a liar
And you fall down
Let it all fall down on me

Come to Me all who are weary
And so heavy laden with grief
And, oh yes, I'll give you rest
When you come down
Come to Me all who are weary
And so heavy laden with grief
And, oh yes, I'll give you rest
Let yourself fall
When you come down
Beloved, rest in Me

Well friends, it's been an interesting
couple of weeks.

I had to break into my own apartment,
sending wood chips flying from the
wall the other day when the little metal
peice got caught, keeping me from
entering my own apartment after I had
taken the trash out, in my pj's, in the
freezing cold. I had no option but to
bust in. Maintenance crew saved me
the next day. No worries. :-)

The yesterday, I took my car in to fix
what I hoped was a minor problem.
Umm, let's just say it wasn't.

And then there's the whole mess of
Kansas residency and tuition, which
I thought was settled. Scrounge,
scrounge, scrounge, hand in paperwork,
etc.

Well, there's some surface-level
happenings.

On a deeper note, I keep finding more
and more things to be thankful for.
I guess there are different levels you
can live on, and I've been frustrated on
some of the more shallow ones lately,
but then, deep down, I keep coming
back to Jesus and finding him amazingly
faithful and forgiving and loving.

Praise God for endless chances to start
over again and optimistically hope for
a better understanding of life through
the trials and confusions that arise.

I am an incurable screw up in many ways.
This I cannot deny.

But ya know what? Back when I had an
easier time denying it, I really wasn't any
more righteous before God.

Dear Lord, help me to understand more of
who you are, and by doing so, become less
of who I am in my flesh.

And please, God, make good of all the things
that seem to go so so wrong - things that
it seems I can't make right, things that just
blow up in your face and scream, "Life is
pain!" Life is also peace and joy, and I'm
finding this more and more to be true, despite
what happens in life.

Have a great week, and thanks for listening.

Oh, and mom is still doing good, all things
considered. It has been rough at times, but
I'm so glad to be heading out to see her
tomorrow! I love my mom.

I got a cheery little call tonight from the trooper.
My mom is doing pretty good, praise God.

Please pray for my dear mom.
She's having surgery to fix a busted
wrist joint from a bad fall. I love her.

Here's an Oswald Chambers gem I ran
across today. It is resounding with me
these days.

The Brave Comradeship of God
"Then He took unto Him the twelve." Luke
18:31

The bravery of God in trusting us! You say -
"But He has been unwise to choose me, because
there is nothing in me; I am not of any value."
That is why He chose you. As long as you think
there is something in you, He cannot choose you
because you have ends of your own to serve; but
if you have let Him bring you to the end of your
self-sufficiency then He can choose you to go
with Him to Jerusalem, and that will mean the
fulfilment of purposes which He does not discuss
with you.

We are apt to say that because a man ahs natural
ability, therefore he will make a good Christian. It
is not a question of our equipment but of our
poverty, not of what we bring with us, but of what
God puts into us; not a question of natural virtues
of strength of character, knowledge, and experience -
all that is of no avail in this matter. The only thing
that avails is that we are taken up into the big
compelling of God and made His comrades (Cor. 1:
26-30). The comradeship of God is made up of men
who know their poverty. He can do nothing with the
man who thinks he is of use to God. As Christians
we are not out for our own cause at all, we are out
for the cause of God, which can never be our cause.
We do not know what God is after, but we have to
maintain our relationship with Him whatever happens.
We must never allow anything to injure our relationship
with God; if it does get injured we must take time and
get it put right. The main thing about Christianity is
not the work we do, but the relationship we maintain
and the atmosphere produced by that relationship.
That is all God asks us to look after, and it is the one
thing that is being continually assailed.


Did you catch that last paragraph?!! Wow, that was
well stated, Chambers. "We do not know what God
is after, but we maintain our relationship with Him
whatever happens." That is a mysteriously beautiful
truth for me today. I want to follow after him, even
though it is almost sure that I will have little idea
where we are going till we get there. Oh, what
wisdom and persistence it takes to discern what
steps to take in pursuing a life in Him. It somehow
helps me to know that ultimately, it is an impossibility
to percieve every step of the journey.

I may not know exactly where we're going, but Lord,
I want to follow you. God help me.

OK folks, here's the lowdown.

12 Things You Won't See in Nebraska or Kansas,
But Will in Israel:
1. Mountanous formations
2. Palm trees
3. Camels on the side of the road
4. 4-tiered waterfalls
5. Signs in Hebrew as well as English and Arabic
6. People wearing large guns who want to stop
and talk to you.
7. 3 thousand year old artifacts scattered randomly
on the ground.
8. Tank tops in December.
9. Place names with apostrophes in the middle of
the words (Ma'agan for example).
10. Large heards of mangy sheep led by Beduin
shepheards.
11. Toilets with two options for flushing.
12. Terracing.

Song fragment inspired by various piles of extremely
old rocks:

You don't talk, no, no
You don't make one little sound
Unless I tromp on you
or throw you on the ground
-Whack!_

Oh, you beautiful, you ugly rocks
Formed into a wall so long ago
How you used to be so much taller
Oh, you sturdy and so homely rocks
Long past being used for anything
You win the prize for staying power

Song fragment inspired by Tel Hazor

Burn the city down, oh
Burn the city down
Joshua said to burn the city down,
Burn it down
Turn this place around
The rich man's stones aren't round
God told him to burn the city down
So long Hazor!


I don't know that there's so much potential
in those silly fragments, but they were necessary
distractions for me at a few moments when
I was struggling to keep my mind focused
on the reality of all the piles of rocks we saw
once being acutal, live cities.

It is too hard for me right now to try and
summarize the trip. I just can't do it justice.
Just to give you an idea, I probably took about
300 pictures. For me, that's a ton. We saw
and experience SO MUCH. My dad is a master
at planning and implementing a schedule. I
am very greatful for the opportunity to benefit
from his experiences and knowledge in this
wonderful country.

By the way, the food is so amazing, especially if
you are a fan of freshness and variety like me.
So many different salads to fill up your pita bread.
Mmmmm, it was tasty. Not to mention like eight
different consistencies of yoghurt and cheese,
and the fallafels and schwarma...and such
amazing things done with the eggplant.

I'm going to go sleep now, ok?
Sorry to cut you off so abruptly, but, well, I'm
kind of tired of talking at you. ha ha, just
kidding. I could never tire of talking at you.
Ha ha, you only wish! Alright then, until we meet again...
have a great day!

Here's a little taste of my trip.

I'm alive.
Israel was....
an experience I have yet to be able to fully grasp
or explain. I could say it was great, I could say it
was enlightening, I could say it was a struggle at
times...but mostly, I don't think I really understand
its role in my life quite yet.

I'll maybe put some actual pictures on here pretty
soon since I used a digital camera for the first time
while over there.

I sincerely hope anyone who might read this is doing
well and I hope that all my friends and family know how
much they mean to me, even if I've been quite absent
as of late.

I appreciate the Truth, and I am still grasping for more
in many areas of my life. Above all, I thank God for
His love and patience with all of us.

I love my parents and my family. I'm so glad for the
time spent with them this break, even for the moments
where our vulnerabilities and weaknesses rubbed up
against each other unpleasantly. It is all part of the
refining, and a part of real love I believe. Thank you, Lord,
for counting us worthy of these experiences that open
our eyes more fully to the light.

I am an official overseas traveler! I am like 20 points
cooler now. Who hoo!!!!

Grace.
I am doing better now.
God answers prayers through
people in my life who care enough
to call and speak with me, even
when I'm feeling blue.

Thanks mom, Michial, and Jamie.
And thanks for the Christmas cards
Jenny, Maralee, and others.
It remains to be seen if I will send any.

Merry Christmas to everyone! It's only
a few days away! Happy, happy thoughts.

messy

Now that I've had a few days without school,
I'm having an identity crisis.

urrrrrrggggg!

Seriously, I've been so mad at everything lately
and the whole world seems like a giant letdown.

This is so depressive, forgive me. Why is nothing
ever as it seems? Why does it hurt to breathe?
Where is that person I once dreamed I would be?

God, where are you when I am so stuck inside of me?
Please, please, can you lend me a hand? I need to
get far far away from the patheticness that is myself
tonight. Why am I posting when I'm like this? Some
strange desire to balance out the moods of my posts,
like the whole world deserves to know the deep down,
disturbed me, as well as the "everything is great" me?
Lis, why don't you just keep the blues to yourself?

I dunno. Maybe I feel like honesty is more important
than pride. Maybe I'm so confused sometimes I just
need to cry out for help to no one in particular because
no one in particular is not a real person and I don't
want anyone in particular to know how pathetic I can
be. But deep down, I want everyone to know...and to
love me anyway.

Tonight there was a recital and this kid I teach piano
played this amazing song he wrote. It was the highlight
of my day, without a doubt. It's not just that he's
talented...he also has that fire of music inside of him
that just begs to be seen and appreciated. That rocks.

And I learned that one of my favorite little girls will
not be coming back next semester due to some
time constraints due to needing physical therapy for
a newly discovered problem that she has. I will miss
her. She always came into her lesson talking about
something random that happened at school or home,
totally unaware of herself and consumed by her
childish emotions all at the same time. She sparkles
with originality, even if rhythm is not her forte. Oh,
I will miss her.

So many beautiful people. If only I could go around and
show people what I see when I look at them. Maybe
then people would understand why I go around with that
far off look on my face sometimes and why I fall in love
so easily. Everyone I see posesses power and beauty.

And I...I wish I had someone to shine that back at me.
I wish I could really believe that about myself. Some
days I almost think I do...
God, just tell me that I'm yours, and that you're not done
with me yet. I need your kind of acceptance and love
tonight. I am pathetically yours. You are my gracious
Savior, who brings salvation, whose purposes NEVER fail.

Isaiah 46:8-13
Remember this, fix it in mind,
take it to heart, you rebels.
Remember the former things, those
of long ago;
I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is none like me.
I make known the end from the beginning,
from ancient times, what is still to come.
I say: My purpose will stand,
and I will do all that I please.
From the east I summon a bird of prey;
from a far-off land, a man to fulfill
my purpose.
What I have said, that will I bring about;
what I have planned, that will I do.
Listen to me, you stubborn-hearted,
you who are far from righteousness.
I am bringing my righteousness near,
it is not far away;
and my salvation will not be delayed.
I will grant salvation to Zion,
my splendor to Israel.

Lord, I am one without righteousness.
Bring your righteousness to me, please!
I need you so much I can't stand it.
I am the stubborn-hearted one.
I am listening. This stabbing pain has
got my attention, and I am listening!
Help me, please. Bring your salvation
to me and lead me to your rest this
Christmas time. I am a mess.

So, I don't need to panic about anything tonight?
You mean, I can breathe in and out and release
all of that building tension into the air to float
away from me? Are you serious? Oh, that is
good to hear.

The finals are over. First semester of Graduate
school, first big step towards becoming a
board certified music therapist, check!

Everything got done, amazingly, and there
were only a handful of days that the stress
level was quite significant...so I say "Thank
you Lord for helping me through." I had just
one really bad day when I was tired AND
cranky, and there were a lot of near break
down moments. But that was yesterday, and
today is today. I'm DONE!!

I think the three things I am most proud of
having accomplished this semester are:

--Learning how to write clinical goals and
objectives for music therapy sessions.
--Writing ALL those papers, especially for
that SPED class! (Seriously, a LOT of writing)
--Making that visual aid with accompanying
song to be used with children with autism
(I am not generally a crafty type of person,
so I was scared of this assignment, but
clip art saved the day, as well as Digital
Performer Quickscribe notation).

I hope you all are finding moments to relax.
I am going to seek those out over the next
two weeks, and then....I'm going to Israel.
Yep, that's right. Dad is gonna show me,
Mae, aunt and uncle, and one of his friends
all around that country, so rich with history.
I am SO SO SO SO excited! I just can't wait
to see all these new faces and new places
that are farther away from what is normal
to me than anything I've ever experienced.
I want to see what it's like to be in a
totally different part of the world. What
an adventure! I have the best Dad EVER.

Life is good.
Know why?

Here's why:
I don't have to do anything to earn God's love
and acceptance of me. I couldn't even come
close if I tried and tried.
So, all I have to do is accept that love and say
"Wow, I don't understand why this is offered
so freely to me, but I accept it - of course,
of course I accept it!"

Just like the children of Israel in the book of
Joshua when they entered the land God had
promised them, and ate from fields they
did not plant and lived in houses they did
not build. They didn't have much to do with
being born and Israelite or the miracles such
as parting the Red Sea, or recieving bread
from heaven. Their job was simply to accept
it, and to fear the Lord and serve Him only.

Lord, help us to accept your amazing,
incomprehensible gift of love to us, even
when we feel so unworthy and we don't
understand the context or how we came
to be offered such a gift. Help us to open
wide our mouths and let you fill them, like
a baby bird does with it's mother.

Help us in our hearts to love you first and
to accept your love for us and your son's
death as payment for all of our failures.

Serve the Lord with fear. He is great and he
is love. This is the love that never fails, that
waits always with open arms. Believe it. Act
on it. This is my Christmas charge to myself
and to anyone reading.

Hey guys. I'm really happy.

Last night I dropped in on the 20s30s Christmas
Party for a bit to break up my homework sessions,
and I just have to say, the carol sing time was so
hilarious it was borderline offensive. I mean, not
really - I think God has a sense of humor so I
doubt he was really offended....but man, O Holy
Night will never be the same to me.

I don't know what happened exactly, but somehow
we managed to pick THE MOST AWKWARD key that
that song has EVER been sung in IN THE HISTORY
OF TIME. And on top of that, some people were
trying to go up really high on the end of the refrain.
I don't know if they were just goofing off or what,
but MAN! We hardly made it through, it was that
bad. Believe it.

I really needed the comic relief, though. It's that
time of the semester where you just dive in and
hope the world will still be standing by the time
it's all over with. But really, it's not too bad. I just
gotta keep on top of things.

Oh, and about that being happy comment. Well,
basically, God is just very very amazing. You see,
he forgives me when I struggle with sin and lose,
he accepts my prayers, he is gracious and loving
as well as just and all-powerful, and he gives such
good gifts. For example, talking with Naomi till
2:30 am Friday night. Talking with Jamie, and just
about everything having to do with Jamie. What
an amazing guy who has shown me so much care.

And on top of that, today I called my new internet
provider to report what I believed to be an error on
my first bill, and they ended up correcting the
mistake, and another one I didn't even see coming!
Basically, one phone call saved me 100+ dollars!
Go Sunflower Broadband!

Alright, there's my happy post. Back to homework.

Here are the highlights of my Thanksgiving break at home:

--Meeting my beautiful new niece, Brianna! She is the
most precious baby in all the world to me. So sweet.

--A funny conversation with Michial while driving I-29
as he cooked a turkey and made candy.

--Running around and playing in the backyard with
my nieces and nephew.

--Late night conversation and Mark-inspired games
that turned into insightful sharing time.

--Much needed time with Renee, talking, eating food
from Amigos, and sharing some songs at her house.

--Just getting to talk and spend time with Cristy,
Mark, Mae, Mark J., Mary, Abigail, Crystal, Luke,
Mom and Dad. With some of them it was great
talks, with others, it was just those little moments
together that didn't need words (Dad hugs, playing
cars with Luke, etc.)

--A short but wonderful chat with Jamie to interrupt his folding
of church buletins late into the night. :-)

--Getting to help decorate the James family Christmas
tree.

Wow, I'm tired. I drove home last night so I could do some
homework. I almost felt like I was getting sick today, but
I didn't, thank you Lord. I went shopping this afternoon and
got new jeans! Isn't my life so exciting? OK, back to work.

I have to say folks, God is the source of all strength and all
love. He is the reason I can rest in peace. Rest in Him today
and bring Him into the circumstances and worries of your
life. As my niece Mary reminded me, the powers of this world
are nothing compared to His Name!

Seriously, whoever was praying for me to
have a great birthday, thanks.

My dear friend Naomi and I ended up going
out to a restaurant I'd never been to before
and it's my new favorite. Amazing Greek food.

We had loads of unexpected fun afterwards
too. We ended up running into some guys
from Bible study at the Jazzhaus unexpectedly
and it was just really fun to hang out and be
young and single. That gal is such a great
friend, I tell ya what.

If it seems like I have been a bit unavailable
lately, that's due to the National Music Therapy
Conference that was held this weekend in KC.
Wow, what an enlightening experience that
was. I learned lots about my profession of
choice.

I'm so happy that in just a few days I will travel
home to Lincoln and will get to meet my new
niece, Brianna! I can hardly wait.

Oh, and I might be getting a cell phone soon.
Stay tuned.