I've been away so long, but now all I can do is blog, blog, blog.

I purchased Jon Foreman's "Fall" EP, plus one of the songs from
"Spring" (Revenge).

How does Jon Foreman do it? I thought he had lost the ability to
see into my soul and write songs. It hasn't happened since high
school and early college. I thought he lost the ability for a while.
Seemed like he was just writing well produced mediocrity. I liked
"Shadow Proves the Sunshine" alright, but he was losing me.

Then I discovered these songs. I approve of the solo venture, Jon.

These songs are raw. Not Bill Mallonee raw, but that is a pretty hard
thing to attain, and not even always desirable, let's be honest (Bill
knows I love him...well, not really, but if I knew him, he would know
it. I am often far too raw myself). Foreman is a bit more of a well-crafted songwriter, but the songs feel real again. There are stories of struggle.
This is the kind of art I can relate to. I really recommend it, especially
if you struggle towards the light that is growing in your heart, but not
always steadily and easily.

Here's a quote from "The Cure for Pain":

"I'm not sure why it always goes downhill
Why broken cisterns never could stay filled
I've spent ten years singing gravity away
But the water keeps on falling from the sky"

That's just it, isn't it? Broken cisterns. That's the problem.
Oh, Lord, heal our brokenness. Only then can we move forward without
always equally moving backwards.

Here's a snippet of "The Moon is a Magnet":

"What are we
If we're not in love?
What are we
If we're not in love?
These are the cages
A kiss is contagious
It will betray us all
A kiss will betray us all

Somebody told me
That everyone's phony
'Til somebody's lonely
I hope that you're lonely
I hope that you're only
Waiting to phone me

What are we
If we're not alone?
What are we
If we're not alone?
These are the cages
A kiss is contagious
It will betray us all
A kiss will betray us all"

I love the line, "Somebody told me that everyone's phony
'til somebody's lonely." That is such a complicated
thought, but there is truth there. Loneliness is a tricky
motivator, but a powerful one. Maybe those of us with the
greatest needs are the least phony. I am a continually lonely
one. But... if that were true, why would I keep running away?
Could it be that I'm looking for something so blindingly beautiful
that I just can't stop searching because I can't risk... missing it?
But then, will I endlessly search? What am I really searching for?

A love that lasts. A love that can be bruised, broken and busted,
but still persists. I'm looking for love without condition, love
without reservation, love without a record of wrongs.

But can I even give that? Maybe I'm running from what I know I am
not - someone worthy of the kind of that love I refuse to live without.

I am a broken cistern.

But look, I know that I am. This is where it all starts, right? Now,
someone hand me some mortar, or whatever will mend me. God, it comes
from you.

I step forward, with no idea where my foot will land, but with faith
that wherever it is, it will be good because I trust that you are
guiding me, and believe that you will not let me fall. Thank you,
Father.

Grow your love in my heart. Let me labor in your vineyard. Let me be
like the son who, even if he said he would not at first, does go and
work in your fields as you requested him to. I am determined to love
you, to serve you, to seek you, to find you, to believe you, to submit
to you. Forgive me for failing you.

"Equally Skilled," and "My Love Goes Free" are gems as well.
And "Southbound Train".

The Mystery of the Tasteless Food - A Near Death Experience

O.k., funny story time. Actually, even a little scary.
Please learn from my mistake.

Alright, so I moved a few months ago. I move into my new
apartment and all is well. Then one night I decide to make
some Baba Ghanoush. I go through the whole painstaking
process, roasting the eggplant, etc. etc., and I get to
the final step of adding a bit of salt. I'm using this
new (but old) salt shaker with this screw on lid. Yeah,
apparently the last time I screwed it on, I didn't go the
whole way. So I shake it a couple times and suddenly have
a mountain of salt in my Baba Ghanoush!! NO!!!!

But believe it or not, I managed to salvage some of it,
though it was still pretty salty. I don't like wasting, not
one bit!

O.k., so now I go to fill up my salt shaker with some more
salt. During the move, I put some things in plastic bags
that were once in less smashable containers, such as my
sea salt. But there it was, my bag of sea salt with those
large white granules. So I fill up my salt shaker and make
peace with my past experience. Nevermore will I have such
bad cooking karma! Or so I thought...

A few days go by, all seems well. However, as time goes
on, I gradually develop this strange feeling that something
is not right in my kitchen. Then my stomach starts to feel
a little funny. Then, last night when my guacamole was STILL
not tasting right after I added plenty of salt, it clicks.
Something is not right with my salt!

I pour a little out in my hand and taste it. Weird! Gross!
What is that? What have I been putting on all my precious
organic food for the past week?!

That's when I realize; it was not sea salt that I put in that
plastic bag. No, it was EPSOM SALT, you know, the stuff you
put in your bath to relax your muscles? Oh, no! So I went
to my computer (what would we do without the internet?) and
googled the stuff. I knew that epsom salt could also be used
as a laxative, but I found out that it is not highly recommended.
Actually, there have been several deaths reported with epsom
salt consumption!

Yikes, yikes, YIKES!

Don't worry, I'm starting to feel more "normal" now, though
that wasn't exactly my problem, haha. No, seriously though, it
didn't even mess with me that much. So funny when I realized
what I had been sprinkling on my food. How ridiculous.

There's my story. What's your story, hmm?

Picture of coffeehouse gig

Just had to share. My awesome roommate Diana took this picture last Thursday. I am still highly amused by pictures of myself playing the guitar. : ) Hope it sounded as convincing as it looks... or at least I hope it looks.

Hi, blog. How are you? Oh, feeling neglected? So sorry...

Time to SAY SOMETHING! SO many things I want to say and try
to express and understand....

The longer I live, the funnier I think living is. I mean,
seriously, how often is life the way you thought, the way
you pictured it being? Maybe if I had a clearer picture in
mind I wouldn't forever be shooting in the dark.

But I'm just still figuring some things out about the details of
that picture, that vision that is forming in my head for where
this train is going. I'm 25. Actually, I'm getting close to 26.
That is so an age where I thought I would have more figured out,
you know, like at least the general idea of the type of guy I would
like to marry. Well, I think I have a general idea... right now I'm
just at a point where I need to be free to consider REALLY who I am
becoming and not try and nail anything down.

This point has come upon me all of a sudden, and may only last
through the night, maybe longer. You just never know WHAT will
go on in this head of mine! The minute you try and predict, that
is the minute everything starts to go the other way. O.k., I'm
being over dramatic. I'm not that crazed really, I just have to
rebel against perceived expectations now and again just so I don't
get stuck in a mold I'm not sure fits.

I have no idea where I'm going to be in a year from now. A lot
of speculations, but no real clue at this point. I'll hopefully
be doing my music therapy internship somewhere (assuming I pass
Anatomy and ANOVA this semester and Dr. Clair's class next
semester..), but that could be nearly anywhere! Wow.

I played some songs upstairs at Signs of Life last Thursday night
for the Grace women's coffeehouse gathering. It was pretty fun
though the noise was bouncing all around those wood floors and
cement walls so that it was really hard to clearly hear myself.
I hope it sounded better to those listening. I got one compliment
on a specific song, and that was a new, bluesy one called "Love
is Just Around the Corner." Oh, and I played a cover by an
artist/friend of mine who I did not ask permission to play his
song. I should probably retroactively ask him if it's o.k. before
he finds out and sues me. No... he wouldn't do that... The song
was "Sunflowers" and now that it's out, I feel a burden of guilt
lifting from my shoulders. I just like that song a lot.

Hey, once again I must ask, is it o.k. for me to not have
everything figured out yet? Please, someone tell me it's o.k.
I'm really trying to equally live AND learn and not repeat the
mistakes of my past. I am hoping and praying that doing so
and simply walking forward in faith, hope, and love, will be
just the way to find that elusive path that my feet are destined
to find, that path where, though it is not perfect, I know that
it is where God wants me to be, and I am fully there and fully
confident of where I'm going.

One thing I read in Matthew today was about how Jesus said that
he himself came to serve and not to be served, and that many who
are first shall be last and the last shall be first, just like the
workers in the vineyard who came later in the day but got payed
the same amount, and even got paid first. It seems so backwards
to us... but his ways are higher.

Lord, help me to seek to serve and not to be served that I might
be a light in the darkness and that I might be characterized
by my willingness to extend myself for the sake of others, out
of gratitude towards Christ.

Praise God for his mercy, his graciousness and compassion.
Tomorrow is a new day.

I don't have time to be blogging....
but man, I just need to. Is that weird?

I just desperately need a semi-public, creative
outlet right now. Not that this post is going to
be all that creative... just expressive.

What do I need to express? That life can be so tricky!!

SERIOUSLY!!! Honestly, if you think about all the
complexities of relationships it is staggering. I mean,
really, how many of us truly even understand ourselves
and why we do the things we do? Not just the apparent
reasons, but the deep down hidden ones. Do you really
know why you think, act, and feel the way you do? How
many of us are really willing to be who we truly are in
the context of any relationship? How many of us are
willing to be vulnerable enough both to face who that
person is, and to trust another person with it?

Then throw in the complexities of how we perceive the
reactions of those we are in relationships with. And
then what if you happen to be a highly sensitive person?
And what if the person you are in a relationship with and
you don't always speak the same language. What if he
communicates love through consistency, gifts, and then
words and outward expressions and what if the way you
most easily understand love is in the reverse order? Does
that mean he doesn't love you? No, it really doesn't. So
how do you know?

Time, little girl, give it time. The deepest things are not
always the easiest to perceive. I know, I know, it's just
that I can be so sensitive, so reactive. If anyone had any
idea... My heart can close up so fast, just like it can open
way too fast at other times. Dear Lord, it's going to take
some special persistence if I'm ever going to have a lasting
relationship with a man.

I do want that, I know I do. It's just not easy. I mess things
up. But maybe I don't, really. Maybe I've just done what Lisa
was always bound to do, and maybe God is always cleaning up after
me, and redeeming things in the end. Maybe the mess is not always
going to stay a mess. Maybe the mess is inevitable, and the more
I try to avoid it, the messier it's going to be when I finally face
it.

Then face it now! Don't run away anymore. Nothing can harm you,
not really, not if you're just doing your best with His help.
Don't be afraid. Fear does not accomplish anything. Just face it.
Be who you are and become who you are not yet. Let Him mold the
situation into what it was meant to be. It will not overcome, not
destroy you in the end. Your fears are oversized. Your faith is
too small. Be a real grown up and face the inner, selfish child.

Hey, do I have issues or what? O.K., so what if I kind of do?
Is that O.K. with you my friend? Please, I'm only trying to grow
up. I'm only trying to become "mature and complete, lacking nothing."
It is so lofty and seems so out of reach. I lack so much. I fall
down inside. But there is a Savior always picking me up.

Because of Him, I will keep walking forward into that beautiful
foggy mess up ahead. And whatever happens, happens. I can only
keep holding out my heart and letting it grow with love I do not
now know how to give, but want to learn.