I got a cheery little call tonight from the trooper.
My mom is doing pretty good, praise God.

Please pray for my dear mom.
She's having surgery to fix a busted
wrist joint from a bad fall. I love her.

Here's an Oswald Chambers gem I ran
across today. It is resounding with me
these days.

The Brave Comradeship of God
"Then He took unto Him the twelve." Luke
18:31

The bravery of God in trusting us! You say -
"But He has been unwise to choose me, because
there is nothing in me; I am not of any value."
That is why He chose you. As long as you think
there is something in you, He cannot choose you
because you have ends of your own to serve; but
if you have let Him bring you to the end of your
self-sufficiency then He can choose you to go
with Him to Jerusalem, and that will mean the
fulfilment of purposes which He does not discuss
with you.

We are apt to say that because a man ahs natural
ability, therefore he will make a good Christian. It
is not a question of our equipment but of our
poverty, not of what we bring with us, but of what
God puts into us; not a question of natural virtues
of strength of character, knowledge, and experience -
all that is of no avail in this matter. The only thing
that avails is that we are taken up into the big
compelling of God and made His comrades (Cor. 1:
26-30). The comradeship of God is made up of men
who know their poverty. He can do nothing with the
man who thinks he is of use to God. As Christians
we are not out for our own cause at all, we are out
for the cause of God, which can never be our cause.
We do not know what God is after, but we have to
maintain our relationship with Him whatever happens.
We must never allow anything to injure our relationship
with God; if it does get injured we must take time and
get it put right. The main thing about Christianity is
not the work we do, but the relationship we maintain
and the atmosphere produced by that relationship.
That is all God asks us to look after, and it is the one
thing that is being continually assailed.


Did you catch that last paragraph?!! Wow, that was
well stated, Chambers. "We do not know what God
is after, but we maintain our relationship with Him
whatever happens." That is a mysteriously beautiful
truth for me today. I want to follow after him, even
though it is almost sure that I will have little idea
where we are going till we get there. Oh, what
wisdom and persistence it takes to discern what
steps to take in pursuing a life in Him. It somehow
helps me to know that ultimately, it is an impossibility
to percieve every step of the journey.

I may not know exactly where we're going, but Lord,
I want to follow you. God help me.

OK folks, here's the lowdown.

12 Things You Won't See in Nebraska or Kansas,
But Will in Israel:
1. Mountanous formations
2. Palm trees
3. Camels on the side of the road
4. 4-tiered waterfalls
5. Signs in Hebrew as well as English and Arabic
6. People wearing large guns who want to stop
and talk to you.
7. 3 thousand year old artifacts scattered randomly
on the ground.
8. Tank tops in December.
9. Place names with apostrophes in the middle of
the words (Ma'agan for example).
10. Large heards of mangy sheep led by Beduin
shepheards.
11. Toilets with two options for flushing.
12. Terracing.

Song fragment inspired by various piles of extremely
old rocks:

You don't talk, no, no
You don't make one little sound
Unless I tromp on you
or throw you on the ground
-Whack!_

Oh, you beautiful, you ugly rocks
Formed into a wall so long ago
How you used to be so much taller
Oh, you sturdy and so homely rocks
Long past being used for anything
You win the prize for staying power

Song fragment inspired by Tel Hazor

Burn the city down, oh
Burn the city down
Joshua said to burn the city down,
Burn it down
Turn this place around
The rich man's stones aren't round
God told him to burn the city down
So long Hazor!


I don't know that there's so much potential
in those silly fragments, but they were necessary
distractions for me at a few moments when
I was struggling to keep my mind focused
on the reality of all the piles of rocks we saw
once being acutal, live cities.

It is too hard for me right now to try and
summarize the trip. I just can't do it justice.
Just to give you an idea, I probably took about
300 pictures. For me, that's a ton. We saw
and experience SO MUCH. My dad is a master
at planning and implementing a schedule. I
am very greatful for the opportunity to benefit
from his experiences and knowledge in this
wonderful country.

By the way, the food is so amazing, especially if
you are a fan of freshness and variety like me.
So many different salads to fill up your pita bread.
Mmmmm, it was tasty. Not to mention like eight
different consistencies of yoghurt and cheese,
and the fallafels and schwarma...and such
amazing things done with the eggplant.

I'm going to go sleep now, ok?
Sorry to cut you off so abruptly, but, well, I'm
kind of tired of talking at you. ha ha, just
kidding. I could never tire of talking at you.
Ha ha, you only wish! Alright then, until we meet again...
have a great day!

Here's a little taste of my trip.

I'm alive.
Israel was....
an experience I have yet to be able to fully grasp
or explain. I could say it was great, I could say it
was enlightening, I could say it was a struggle at
times...but mostly, I don't think I really understand
its role in my life quite yet.

I'll maybe put some actual pictures on here pretty
soon since I used a digital camera for the first time
while over there.

I sincerely hope anyone who might read this is doing
well and I hope that all my friends and family know how
much they mean to me, even if I've been quite absent
as of late.

I appreciate the Truth, and I am still grasping for more
in many areas of my life. Above all, I thank God for
His love and patience with all of us.

I love my parents and my family. I'm so glad for the
time spent with them this break, even for the moments
where our vulnerabilities and weaknesses rubbed up
against each other unpleasantly. It is all part of the
refining, and a part of real love I believe. Thank you, Lord,
for counting us worthy of these experiences that open
our eyes more fully to the light.

I am an official overseas traveler! I am like 20 points
cooler now. Who hoo!!!!

Grace.
I am doing better now.
God answers prayers through
people in my life who care enough
to call and speak with me, even
when I'm feeling blue.

Thanks mom, Michial, and Jamie.
And thanks for the Christmas cards
Jenny, Maralee, and others.
It remains to be seen if I will send any.

Merry Christmas to everyone! It's only
a few days away! Happy, happy thoughts.

messy

Now that I've had a few days without school,
I'm having an identity crisis.

urrrrrrggggg!

Seriously, I've been so mad at everything lately
and the whole world seems like a giant letdown.

This is so depressive, forgive me. Why is nothing
ever as it seems? Why does it hurt to breathe?
Where is that person I once dreamed I would be?

God, where are you when I am so stuck inside of me?
Please, please, can you lend me a hand? I need to
get far far away from the patheticness that is myself
tonight. Why am I posting when I'm like this? Some
strange desire to balance out the moods of my posts,
like the whole world deserves to know the deep down,
disturbed me, as well as the "everything is great" me?
Lis, why don't you just keep the blues to yourself?

I dunno. Maybe I feel like honesty is more important
than pride. Maybe I'm so confused sometimes I just
need to cry out for help to no one in particular because
no one in particular is not a real person and I don't
want anyone in particular to know how pathetic I can
be. But deep down, I want everyone to know...and to
love me anyway.

Tonight there was a recital and this kid I teach piano
played this amazing song he wrote. It was the highlight
of my day, without a doubt. It's not just that he's
talented...he also has that fire of music inside of him
that just begs to be seen and appreciated. That rocks.

And I learned that one of my favorite little girls will
not be coming back next semester due to some
time constraints due to needing physical therapy for
a newly discovered problem that she has. I will miss
her. She always came into her lesson talking about
something random that happened at school or home,
totally unaware of herself and consumed by her
childish emotions all at the same time. She sparkles
with originality, even if rhythm is not her forte. Oh,
I will miss her.

So many beautiful people. If only I could go around and
show people what I see when I look at them. Maybe
then people would understand why I go around with that
far off look on my face sometimes and why I fall in love
so easily. Everyone I see posesses power and beauty.

And I...I wish I had someone to shine that back at me.
I wish I could really believe that about myself. Some
days I almost think I do...
God, just tell me that I'm yours, and that you're not done
with me yet. I need your kind of acceptance and love
tonight. I am pathetically yours. You are my gracious
Savior, who brings salvation, whose purposes NEVER fail.

Isaiah 46:8-13
Remember this, fix it in mind,
take it to heart, you rebels.
Remember the former things, those
of long ago;
I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is none like me.
I make known the end from the beginning,
from ancient times, what is still to come.
I say: My purpose will stand,
and I will do all that I please.
From the east I summon a bird of prey;
from a far-off land, a man to fulfill
my purpose.
What I have said, that will I bring about;
what I have planned, that will I do.
Listen to me, you stubborn-hearted,
you who are far from righteousness.
I am bringing my righteousness near,
it is not far away;
and my salvation will not be delayed.
I will grant salvation to Zion,
my splendor to Israel.

Lord, I am one without righteousness.
Bring your righteousness to me, please!
I need you so much I can't stand it.
I am the stubborn-hearted one.
I am listening. This stabbing pain has
got my attention, and I am listening!
Help me, please. Bring your salvation
to me and lead me to your rest this
Christmas time. I am a mess.

So, I don't need to panic about anything tonight?
You mean, I can breathe in and out and release
all of that building tension into the air to float
away from me? Are you serious? Oh, that is
good to hear.

The finals are over. First semester of Graduate
school, first big step towards becoming a
board certified music therapist, check!

Everything got done, amazingly, and there
were only a handful of days that the stress
level was quite significant...so I say "Thank
you Lord for helping me through." I had just
one really bad day when I was tired AND
cranky, and there were a lot of near break
down moments. But that was yesterday, and
today is today. I'm DONE!!

I think the three things I am most proud of
having accomplished this semester are:

--Learning how to write clinical goals and
objectives for music therapy sessions.
--Writing ALL those papers, especially for
that SPED class! (Seriously, a LOT of writing)
--Making that visual aid with accompanying
song to be used with children with autism
(I am not generally a crafty type of person,
so I was scared of this assignment, but
clip art saved the day, as well as Digital
Performer Quickscribe notation).

I hope you all are finding moments to relax.
I am going to seek those out over the next
two weeks, and then....I'm going to Israel.
Yep, that's right. Dad is gonna show me,
Mae, aunt and uncle, and one of his friends
all around that country, so rich with history.
I am SO SO SO SO excited! I just can't wait
to see all these new faces and new places
that are farther away from what is normal
to me than anything I've ever experienced.
I want to see what it's like to be in a
totally different part of the world. What
an adventure! I have the best Dad EVER.

Life is good.
Know why?

Here's why:
I don't have to do anything to earn God's love
and acceptance of me. I couldn't even come
close if I tried and tried.
So, all I have to do is accept that love and say
"Wow, I don't understand why this is offered
so freely to me, but I accept it - of course,
of course I accept it!"

Just like the children of Israel in the book of
Joshua when they entered the land God had
promised them, and ate from fields they
did not plant and lived in houses they did
not build. They didn't have much to do with
being born and Israelite or the miracles such
as parting the Red Sea, or recieving bread
from heaven. Their job was simply to accept
it, and to fear the Lord and serve Him only.

Lord, help us to accept your amazing,
incomprehensible gift of love to us, even
when we feel so unworthy and we don't
understand the context or how we came
to be offered such a gift. Help us to open
wide our mouths and let you fill them, like
a baby bird does with it's mother.

Help us in our hearts to love you first and
to accept your love for us and your son's
death as payment for all of our failures.

Serve the Lord with fear. He is great and he
is love. This is the love that never fails, that
waits always with open arms. Believe it. Act
on it. This is my Christmas charge to myself
and to anyone reading.

Hey guys. I'm really happy.

Last night I dropped in on the 20s30s Christmas
Party for a bit to break up my homework sessions,
and I just have to say, the carol sing time was so
hilarious it was borderline offensive. I mean, not
really - I think God has a sense of humor so I
doubt he was really offended....but man, O Holy
Night will never be the same to me.

I don't know what happened exactly, but somehow
we managed to pick THE MOST AWKWARD key that
that song has EVER been sung in IN THE HISTORY
OF TIME. And on top of that, some people were
trying to go up really high on the end of the refrain.
I don't know if they were just goofing off or what,
but MAN! We hardly made it through, it was that
bad. Believe it.

I really needed the comic relief, though. It's that
time of the semester where you just dive in and
hope the world will still be standing by the time
it's all over with. But really, it's not too bad. I just
gotta keep on top of things.

Oh, and about that being happy comment. Well,
basically, God is just very very amazing. You see,
he forgives me when I struggle with sin and lose,
he accepts my prayers, he is gracious and loving
as well as just and all-powerful, and he gives such
good gifts. For example, talking with Naomi till
2:30 am Friday night. Talking with Jamie, and just
about everything having to do with Jamie. What
an amazing guy who has shown me so much care.

And on top of that, today I called my new internet
provider to report what I believed to be an error on
my first bill, and they ended up correcting the
mistake, and another one I didn't even see coming!
Basically, one phone call saved me 100+ dollars!
Go Sunflower Broadband!

Alright, there's my happy post. Back to homework.

Here are the highlights of my Thanksgiving break at home:

--Meeting my beautiful new niece, Brianna! She is the
most precious baby in all the world to me. So sweet.

--A funny conversation with Michial while driving I-29
as he cooked a turkey and made candy.

--Running around and playing in the backyard with
my nieces and nephew.

--Late night conversation and Mark-inspired games
that turned into insightful sharing time.

--Much needed time with Renee, talking, eating food
from Amigos, and sharing some songs at her house.

--Just getting to talk and spend time with Cristy,
Mark, Mae, Mark J., Mary, Abigail, Crystal, Luke,
Mom and Dad. With some of them it was great
talks, with others, it was just those little moments
together that didn't need words (Dad hugs, playing
cars with Luke, etc.)

--A short but wonderful chat with Jamie to interrupt his folding
of church buletins late into the night. :-)

--Getting to help decorate the James family Christmas
tree.

Wow, I'm tired. I drove home last night so I could do some
homework. I almost felt like I was getting sick today, but
I didn't, thank you Lord. I went shopping this afternoon and
got new jeans! Isn't my life so exciting? OK, back to work.

I have to say folks, God is the source of all strength and all
love. He is the reason I can rest in peace. Rest in Him today
and bring Him into the circumstances and worries of your
life. As my niece Mary reminded me, the powers of this world
are nothing compared to His Name!

Seriously, whoever was praying for me to
have a great birthday, thanks.

My dear friend Naomi and I ended up going
out to a restaurant I'd never been to before
and it's my new favorite. Amazing Greek food.

We had loads of unexpected fun afterwards
too. We ended up running into some guys
from Bible study at the Jazzhaus unexpectedly
and it was just really fun to hang out and be
young and single. That gal is such a great
friend, I tell ya what.

If it seems like I have been a bit unavailable
lately, that's due to the National Music Therapy
Conference that was held this weekend in KC.
Wow, what an enlightening experience that
was. I learned lots about my profession of
choice.

I'm so happy that in just a few days I will travel
home to Lincoln and will get to meet my new
niece, Brianna! I can hardly wait.

Oh, and I might be getting a cell phone soon.
Stay tuned.

When did you fall in love with me
Was it out of the blue
'Cause I swear I never knew it
When did you let your heart run free
Have you been waiting long
When did you fall in love with me?

--Chris Rice

So when did I fall in love?
Just today I think.
Well, most every day perhaps.

But today I am happy in a way I've never
been before. It's registering deeper down
then it has in the past. Does that make it
more real? Does that mean I've deepened
as a person? I don't know for sure, but
that's what it seems to me.

Dear Lord, thank you. Just thank you.
You know, I told you again today that if
you would have me serve you alone, I
could accept that, if it was from you and
not just of my own doing. I don't want to
be alone, but if it is where you put me, I
can accept it. But right now, you have
allowed me a hope that my heart is still
dying to understand. So be it. Jesus, "I'll
take anything, anything genuine."

Anything genuine.

Future, mock on. Today, my last of year
23, I am defiant. Life IS beautiful. There
are things that matter, there are things that
matter less. "There is always hope" (quote
from LOTR "The Two Towers").

OK, I have to say it, Jamie, you are the greatest.
Thank you for everything.

Just want to say that if you've had one
of those down days lately, you're in
good company, or at least my company.
:-)

Who knows what to make of all those
crazy wacked out things called feelings!

Guess it was just a crash moment in the
midst of all the "almost nearing the end
of the semester" stress.

But today was grand. I mean, I got some
good work done, had a great talk with
a friend or two and just felt generally
better than yesterday.

I'm doing good. God is oh so patient with
me and I know he hears me when I cry out
in desperate confusion of all the downer
emotions that sometimes surge through
me like they've got nowhere else to go in
all the world. Why gang up on poor little
me, why? I should be used to it by
now, right? Well, it doesn't freak me out
as much as it used to anyways. In the midst
of it I now know that it will pass, no matter
how urgent it feels, and the world will keep
turning.

How are you?

Seriously, what do you think about that concept
of love as an act of the will?

My head is kind of spinning right now 'cause I
just had a conversation with someone who
majorly challenged this concept to me.

Ah, well, the truth must come out eventually.
What is this crazy thing called love?

Dear Lord, once again I see, I am flawed. How
I wish I had the perfect heart at all times. Dear
Jesus, please help me! I want to understand the
Truth, even if it's unpleasant.

What say you about this thought?

Love is AS MUCH an act of the will as it is
anything else.

Fascinating concept, is it not? This was
spoken by Dr. Ravi Z. and I think I am
just beginning to understand how true
this is. As unromantic as it sounds at
first, I think it is the only true basis for
any kind of lasting love, romantic love
included. Love is not a feeling.

Some days I seem to be able to deal with
this concept better than others, but I think
I'm slowly getting better at it. I don't want
to go overboard and start living like a
robot (though I really don't think there's
much chance of my doing that), but I do
want to balance all my emotionalism out
with a more mature understanding of what
true love means. Sometimes, actually a lot
of times, love hurts, isn't pleasant, causes
pain and discomfort. Just look at the life
of Jesus, Paul, etc. But THIS IS love - that
a man would lay down his life for his friend.
That is what love looks like - not two people
gazing into each other's eyes, feeding off of
the chemicals that are produced in their
brains while being near each other when
their relationship is new and wonderful.

Alright, there's my rant. Here's to coming
to God, even when we don't feel like it, and
doing things like praying and reading the
Bible, for these are our tangible expressions
of love to him that we must die to ourselves
and do, daily.

Lord I come to you, without the feelings for
doing so, but still believing in you and
believing that the feelings will come back.
Give me the strength to continue on in my
journey towards knowing and loving you.
Amen.

Today during a music therapy session with
troubled teens, our group leader (I am currently
just a helper) played a Tom Petty song. It
was something about chasing down a dream
that wouldn't find you on its own. I liked it.
One of the kids was a big Tom Petty fan so
it really hit home with him. He recommended
I listen to more of Tom when we were talking.

Lately I'm really excited about Music Therapy.
I kind of go back and forth with my thoughts
on its real value, but lately I've seen a LOT of
important, practical, valuable uses for it in my
classes and from speakers and such.

I conducted my own personal music therapy
session alone in my apartment this morning
after my morning class. I was feeling out of
sorts, and it's not like I made a real conscious
decision to do this, but I sat at the keyboard
and, after a lot of trial and error, a song came.

This form of self therapy has a good deal to
do with the music and letting the sounds calm
me, but it also has a great deal to do with the
process of forming a lyric. Sometimes I don't
even know exactly what it is I'm feeling, but
when I guide myself into creating a lyric to
go along with the mood music I'm creating, it
helps me to see what's going on inside of me.

Here's the lyric (you'll have to imagine the sound):

"I need something to say
I need someone to hold"
He said it under his breath
before the thought could unfold

And when I looked in his eyes
I couldn't bring myself to feel
It was too deep of a wound
The wind blew the leaves

So we pretended to smile
and we pretended to leave
And we pretended that none of it
meant anything

And when he walks on the sidewalk or street
The pavement doesn't feel a thing
And when the leaves fall down from the trees
The trees don't even feel a thing

So pour it over my skin,
Pour it into my soul
Pour it over my head
Then let the anchor take hold

Weigh me down with your love
God of mercy and peace
Spirit, descend like a dove
over me

I need something to say
I need someone to hold
Don't give your love for a day
Let the anchor take hold


I find myself getting more and more
vague in my subject matter lately.
It's like, there are these underlying
emotions that have been brewing
and changing all week, and when I
sat down on a Friday to try and form
a consice thought, many different
feeling fragments from the week
resurfaced and crammed to get into
one song, and I tried to make it a singular
thought, but really, it's a tangle of thoughts
and feelings, which is a good description
of my mental state lately, mixed with a
healthy dose of prayer and stablility though,
thankfully.

Well, it's a good starting point anyways.
God, I really do need you as my anchor.
As the Lori Chaffer (awesome songwriter
whose CD was recently burned for me -
I love it!) song goes, "Please don't let go
of me." Sometimes that's the best prayer
I can pray.

It is my hope and prayer that you are
holding on to God today and also finding
peace in the assurance that even when we
aren't strong enough to hold onto him, he
is strong enough to keep holding onto us
when we lose our grasp. His grasp is what
really counts. That sounds a bit Calvinistic,
and I don't know about all that, but I think
it is true. He saves us. We can't save
ourselves. He draws us with compassion
and grace and a love that is like a solid
anchor. If we recognize what he has done
for us, and how deep his love goes, how
could we ever escape him? Such a love
would haunt me forever if I ever tried to
run away from it.

Here's to that kind of a haunted house and
Halloween. Haunted by the immense love
of the God who created the universe and
sent his Son to save our lost race.

My most recent poetical meandering of
average quality.

From my journal to you:

I wanna go out shinning
in a blaze of Glory
All the cynical pessimists
won't know what to say
All the unfounded optimists
will have to look away

No one seems to love
in the same way I do
Look down from above or
from below, you'll misconstrue

Fall away
All these false illusions must fall away,
All my wrong conclusions will fall away,
Everything that is true has to stay,
Everything true will rise

It's a rainy Tuesday and all is well.

My sister Maralee is lovely and is all
set to adopt TWO boys from Africa.
Yes, it's finally happening. Praise God.

Breakthrough!

I've had a revelation folks, so listen up.
Tell me what you think of this, but it
seems that after my nap this afternoon
and after the experiences of this past
week...actually, this past year, God has
brought me to a new understanding.

Have I set you up for the impact of this
new idea enough? Ok, here it is...

We try to suck too much out of one
person. That's the problem. The
single and waiting person's motto
should be:

VARY IT UP!

Don't get stuck on one person or one
thought before you really know if this
one is meant to last or just to shed
further light on something.

Now, somebody tell me if I'm just going
off the deep end here, ok? I mean, I
don't want to just go crazy with this
philosophy and not take relationships
seriously, it's just that I think the
tendency to get burned in relationships
comes from relying too much on a dream
before you even know if it is at ALL based
in the kind of reality you could build your
life on.

I think everyone just needs to get out there
and meet lots of people and treat them as
a potential friend before getting lost in
treating them as a potential mate. That is,
unless God is leading you in that direction,
etc. I want monogomy to be the end goal
of all this, but until that situation presents
itself, if ever, I aim to keep my options
open and look at the paths that lie open
before me as objectively as possible, with
lots of input from lots of people who I know
care about me.

I want friends. Men, women, people I'm
related to, etc. I want lots of different
people in the body of Christ surrounding
my life in different ways, helping me to
be the light I was meant to be for Christ
to the world. Thank you God for good
friends. I have so many good friends with
whom I can talk and lean on, and they
lean on me as well. This is so BEAUTIFUL!
I want more of that....I just have to finish
all this STINKING homework first. grr.

Alright, thanks for reading.

I close with an incredible passage from Willard's
"Renovation of the Heart":

"..it is who we are in our thoughts, feelings,
dispositions, and choices - in the inner life -
that counts. Profound transformation there
is the only thing that can definitively conquer
outward evil.

It is very hard to keep this straight. Failure to
do so is a primary cause of failure to grow
spiritually. Love, we hear, is patient and kind.
Then we mistakenly try to be loving by acting
patiently and kindly - and quickly fail. We
should always do the best we can in action, of
course; but little progress is to be made in that
arena until we advance in love itself - the
genuine inner readiness and longing to secure
the good of others...

It is love itself - not loving behavior, or even
the wish or intent to love - that has the power
to "always protect, always trust, always hope,
put up with anything, and never quit" (1
Corinthians 13:7-8). Merely trying to act
loving will lead to despair and to the defeat of
love. It will make us angry and hopeless.

But taking love itself - God's kind of love -
into the depths of our being through spiritual
formation will, by contrast, enable us to act
lovingly to an extent that will be surprising
even to ourselves, as first. And this love will
then become a constant source of joy and
refreshment to ourselves and others....and not
an additional burden to carry through life, as
'acting lovingly' surely would be."

It is ONLY through the person of Jesus Christ
that we can be changed in this way. He sends
his own Spirit in our hearts to change us if
we are abiding in him.

God, help us to take you up on this, no matter
where we are at or what we are struggling to
conquer.