A big THANK YOU to:

Mark, Renee, Abby, and JJ for leaving insightful comments that
have aided me in my blogging/thinking on Catholicism.

My search is really only just beginning and I'm really enjoying
this process presently. I would continue to appreciate any
insights or comments anyone wants to offer.

John and I are moving forward and talking a ton. I'll leave it
at that for now. : )

Next order of business (besides a full semester up and running):

Research Vatican II and Council of Trent.

Also: generally live out my Christian faith, and specifically, trust
that Jesus really is the light of the world (John 8:12).

OK, so here's where I am right now. I have come to appreciate
much in the Catholic church, but I am not at the point of being
comfortable with accepting it as an active force in my own life.

I am praying, I am waiting, should further clarity be granted.

But for right now, I stumbled upon this:

A Psalm of Life
by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Tell me not in mournful numbers,
"Life is but an empty dream!"
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
"Dust thou art, to dust returnest,"
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each tomorrow
Find us farther than today.

Art is long, and time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world's broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no future, howe'er pleasant!
Let the dead past bury its dead!
Act, act in the living present!
Heart within and God o'erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time.

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o'er life's solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.

In times of confusion and turmoil, let us all turn to God and trust,
like Longfellow, that we were created for more than the grave.

There is still hope.

Insights from Pastor Bill:

Catholics are a highly eclectic group of people,
loosely unified in name, practice, and because of
the Pope. As far as the beliefs and theologies held
by the various individuals, the Catholic church is
extremely diverse. Some are hard-core with
Pergatory, Penance, and hold fast to the immaculate
conception of Mary and her sinlessness. And others
are far less enthusiastic about these practices and
beliefs, holding them only loosely, and with uncertainty.

IF I ever became a Catholic, I would be extremely on
the latter side, what John refers to as a "Cafeteria Catholic"
who sort of picks and chooses the doctrines they like.

However, I don't see that ever happening. The issues above,
as well as the claim that they are the "one true church" do
not sit well with me. Pergatory and Penance seem to diminish
the work of Christ, and I have been impacted by far too many
non-Catholic Christians to believe that "the true Church" only
exists in Catholic circles.

Pastor Bill also pointed out that there may be SOME parallel
between the good-intentioned Judaizers who took the law
of God and detailed and codified it so much, in order to keep
from breaking it, that they ended up loosing its original intent
and became the Pharisees that Jesus rebuked. They were so
careful to keep the law that they lost their faith in God.

I can see that tendency or risk at the Catholic church. But I
would not go so far as to say that if you are Catholic you will
definitely fall into this trap. I don't think it is inevitable, just
a risk.

At the same time Pastor Bill pointed out the tendency of
Protestants to forget that "faith without works is dead." We
run the risk of emphasizing the difference between justification
and sanctification SO MUCH that we slack off in our church
attendance, confession of our sins, living sacrificially, and
giving to the needy. These are all aspects of the Christian
life that Catholics emphasize and probably do a better job
at overall, with some exceptions of course.

So there are harmful tendencies on both sides to watch out
for. But which church has more of the truth? Honestly, I
don't even know if this question matters. I think we have
the responsibility to answer this question to the best of our
ability, but I don't think we need to worry too much.

I think a more important question then which church is the
best church is how can I be laying down my life in order to
live in Christ? Or maybe: Which church do I feel God has
called me, or is calling me to? What church is helping me
to know and to love God more, be more committed to His
Word and His body of believers, to honor Christ my Lord,
and to really live out what I believe?

These are just more thoughts from me to you. I offer them
with a lot of humility because I know that I know so little.
But I am trying to honestly think through these things in
order to come to a decision about whether or not I could
marry a Catholic; a decision that I can have peace in my
own heart about before God. This is a very tricky thing
when you have strong forces pulling you in two different
directions. But ultimately, it's not about either of those
horizontal directions, but the one vertical one.

Thank you for all who have been praying for me. I need
and appreciate that more than you could ever know.

I think I am coming to a point of decision, or at least, to
a new point in my thought processes. Please let me know
any thoughts or comments that you feel led to share with me.
I am still very interested, though I admit I could never go back
to believing that it is extremely difficult to be a Catholic and
to be a true, growing Christian. I know too many of those now.

More thoughts:

Isaiah 55:7-8 says,
"'Let the wicked forsake his way
and the evil man his thoughts.
Let him turn to the Lord, and he
will have mercy on him,
and to our God, for he will FREELY
PARDON.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,'
declares the Lord.
'As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow come down from
heaven, and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seek for the sower and
bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.'"

As I read this passage today, since this is where I am in
my long-standing quest to read through the whole Bible
on my own (I'm slowly but surely getting there), I was
struck with several things in light of my current quest
to understanding Catholicism.

First of all, it continues to become more and more clear
to me that God only requires us to turn to Him for forgiveness
of sin and that a Priest is not needed for this. This is actually
the Catholic stance as well as I have come to understand it.
I think they would say that the Priest is merely a human
representative who will freely pardon whatever the offense that
is confessed, in order to allow the sinner to hear the words of
God ("Your sins are forgiven") from an audible voice.

I can see how this might be of benefit. However, I would want
it made very clear that the Priest was not the one forgiving the
sin, because only God can forgive our sin, in Christ.

The Catholic claim (see "Catholic Christianity" by Peter Kreeft)
is that "There can be no forgiveness without Christ," but that
the church was given the authority to forgive sins, through
Christ, and it is only because of Christ that they have this authority.

They claim that John 20:21-22 is an indication of this authority
being given to the church. ("'As the Father has sent me, I am
sending you.' And with that he breathed on them and said,
'Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive anyone his sins, they
are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.'")

It is just interesting to me how different of an outlook Catholics
have then Evangelical Protestants. I think that as and Evangelical
Protestant I was taught that the Bible is the Word of God, and that
the Word of God (meaning primarily actual physical words on a
page) exists only in the pages and the stories of Scripture.

It seems to me that Catholics have more of an understanding of
the Word as being both a physical Word and also something
Incarnational--the Word made flesh. This seems to be applied
in the Isaiah passage above. They also seem to see the Scriptures
as a foundation and a starting point for that Word. They do not
see the working of that Word as ending with the last word of
Revelation, but seem to see verses like John 20:21-22 as a
starting point of something that would continue to be a working
out of that Word by the church in the ages after those words of
Jesus were spoken.

So I guess what I'm wondering is, what if they are right? Or at
least, what if they are not all wrong? What if as the church of
Christ, we have been given the authority to forgive sins, through
Christ. What if we are supposed to confess them, and not just
in a casual, haphazard way, but intentionally, in order to restore
the relationships in the body of Christ by recognizing the effects
of sin on the body, and confessing those sins to the church authority?

Yes, God freely forgives the repentant one. But what if there is a
sense in which the vehicle of his forgiveness is now the church,
who forgives in the name of Christ?

And what if Protestant churches have this authority as well, they
are just working it out in a less formalized, ritualized fashion
by confessing sins one to another? Maybe the Catholic church
is limiting God by saying that it has to be done in a certain way
in order for it to be effectual.

And yet, if this is the case, then the Catholic church is in no way
injuring the truth of Scriptures by taking this verse seriously and
by formalizing this process of freely receiving God's grace.

I don't think it is all that much different from what Protestants do,
or at least, what they are supposed to do. We are supposed to be
confessing our sins to each other within our church bodies. How
exactly that is to be done is not explicitly stated in Scripture. But
I'm not sure I can fault the Catholics for taking the matter seriously,
so long as their constituents do not misunderstand from whom that
forgiveness is freely coming (from God, because of Christ).

Alright, those are my thoughts for today. Any comments? Anyone
still reading? : )

Two posts in one day?! I know it is a rarity, but I am
having some crazy explosive thoughts. I would
really appreciate the chance to have people who know
and care about me read the thoughts I'm having, both
so that they may be aware, and so that, if they think I'm
going off the deep end, they might be able to steer me
back on course or express concerns.

I am meeting with my Pastor Bill tomorrow to discuss
some of these thoughts as well, so rest assured that I
am actively seeking guidance for these newfound thoughts.

OK, so here they are as they stand today.

In my initial assessment of Catholicism, one of my main
concerns was the fact that it seemed to be very limiting
of God. It seemed to me that the traditions that they
required their constituents to adhere to were very binding
and that their exclusion of other denominations because
they did not have these same traditions (the specific way
they conduct the Eucharist, as well as the belief they have
that it is the real body and blood of Christ, miraculously,
as well as things like confession) was also limiting, and
even heretical.

However, after talking to one real, live Catholic Priest, I
have come to find that the current Catholic stance is not
that Protestants do not have real, saving faith, but that they
are not experiencing the fullness of Christianity, by rejecting
many Holy traditions handed down from the early church
fathers, which are vehicles of God's grace. They do not claim
that these vehicles are necessary for salvation, for they do not
presume to know how God's grace is applied to the world, they
only hold that one can experience the fullness of Christianity
through the Catholic church's teachings and traditions.

I am not going to say I agree with the above paragraph, because
I have only just begun this quest, and I know many non-Catholic
Christians who I believe are experiencing a very full Christianity,
to the best of my understanding, myself included. But I will say
that I am beginning to consider their claims in a new light.

What if it is not necessarily the Catholic church that is the more
limiting institution, but it is my upbringing that is more limiting,
with its insistence that the whole of Truth is contained in the
pages of the Bible, and any additional instructions or structures
that were held by the early church and were modified and
codified through many centuries by faithful Christians are not
only unnecessary, but detrimental to one's understanding of God?

Is it not limiting of an incomprehensible God to say what He can
and cannot use and what the vehicles of His Grace can and
cannot be? Can "through faith in Christ" be expressed just as
fully by partaking of Eucharistic bread and believing in the
indwelling power of Christ in that moment and beyond as when
it is expressed by a Protestant's more generalized belief that
Christ dwells within?

There are many forms and theologies surrounding Christianity.
Is it not limiting of God when one encounters true believers
of a different form or theology who show the fruit of hearts
that confess Jesus as Lord to dismiss the fact that God very well
may be working in their lives through a different vehicle of the
same, transforming Grace?

I am not claiming one vehicle's effectiveness over another, I am
only wondering whether or not God may credit the faith of a
Catholic when he partakes of the Eucharist or when he confesses
his sins to a Priest (not to receive the free forgiveness of God,
but to acknowledge the fact of his sin's effect on the other
people in his church body), as righteousness, just as he did to
Abraham, and just as he does for me when I believe in my heart
that God forgives me in Christ and I seek to restore my relationships.

I am wondering about this: if both Catholics and Protestants put
their utmost faith in Christ to bridge the gap between them and the
Father, and both seek Spirit-filled communities where not only
is the Word of God heard and expounded upon and bread is
broken together, but also real life sharing and fellowship takes
place, then do the different outward expressions of that same
faith in Christ really cause us to have a different standing before
God?

If indeed Catholics place Holy Scriptures higher than Holy Traditions
of the church, in light of the fact that those traditions were formed
in order to complement and implement the very truths of Scripture,
then are not Catholics and Protestants more alike then some of us
would like to admit?

I know some of these may seem like big "ifs" to those who have
negative impressions of the Catholic church, just as some
Catholics are skeptical of the Protestant's lack of faith in the
miraculous mystery that takes place when one partakes of the
communion bread, but I share these thoughts because, after
talking with a Catholic Priest at length and asking questions, I
have found those "ifs" becoming less and less weighty in my mind.

I am finding that the Catholic expression of faith looks different
from my own, but it is, I believe, essentially the same faith. Those
forms and traditions which I had been told were binding and
enslaving, I am coming to find from the mouths of Bible believing,
Christ centered Catholics, are not enslaving, but are freeing and
liberating to the Catholic who understands them accurately.

If those forms and traditions accentuate the truths of Scripture
to those who correctly understand them, is it not limiting of me
to doubt God's ability to powerfully use the vehicle of the Catholic
church to train up committed followers of Christ?

These are all thoughts and questions I am grappling with. It is my
greatest desire not to be blinded or led into error, but to be receptive
to Truth and upholding of God's glory. I pray that He will work in me
and in my thoughts. I would appreciate any comments or concerns
that anyone feels led to share with me, especially the comments of
those who have ever had significant encounters with Catholicism as
it exists today. I think a lot of things can vary from church to church,
but I want to try and understand the tenants of their beliefs as well as
the hearts and lives of specific Catholics.

Whew! Crazy stuff. I never would have guessed a year ago that I would
be on this track AT ALL. But, despite the unsettling nature of it at times,
I am glad to be here.

"What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing
greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost
all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found
in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law,
but that which is through faith in Christ--the righteousness that comes
from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his
resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming
like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection
from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made
perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took
hold of me."

--Philippians 3:8-12

I feel like updating, but I don't feel like talking about
myself. Hmmm... I guess I'll just warm up to it.

I like my friend Renee. We got to hang out a little over the
break. She is a very exuberant person. Always has been,
always will be.

I like my friend Abby. We had a long conversation a week
or so ago, and though she is facing some challenges, she
continues on in hope. I need to remember to keep praying.
I believe there is a great job with health benefits out there
waiting for her. God is good and will always help us when
we humble ourselves and pray.

I like my mom. We have had some rough conversations as
well as good times over the break and even a few days ago.
Same goes for my dad. I like him too. I'm afraid I am causing
them some grief over some thoughts in my head sparked by
my boyfriend and the pursuit of understanding Catholicism
more thoroughly.

Speaking of Catholicism, I had my first ever meeting with a
Priest last weekend when I went to Wichita to visit John. We
met with Father Tatro and let me tell you, it was a lot different
then I thought it would be. I had some questions about
Apostolic Succession, Oral Traditions and Confession. And
while the dialoguing that went on did not put away all my
reservations, it gave me some very interesting food for
thought. I really appreciated not only what he had to say, but
the way that he said it. He was in no way pushy while at the
same time stating his beliefs.

And so the journey continues. I cannot explain how much I
love my John. My respect and love for him continue to soar
as we become better and better friends with more and more
bonds of shared memories and laughter. And most definitely,
the falling in love part has also been deepening.

We practiced songs together last weekend in the practice room
at Wichita State. That was so much fun. Singing and playing music
together has got to be one of the most bonding things ever. We
are also reading a lot together, from the Bible, as well as a book
on St. Francis, a book on the early church fathers, one on being
Catholic, as well as snippets from a Dallas Willard book and many
others.

I like John. I like just being with him, doing most anything, or not
much of anything. I like cooking with him, being goofy with him,
talking with him, crying with him, I almost even like fighting with
him. Hmm... I'm gonna have to think on that one. But I do like
how the strength of our relationship seems to grow after we
have those conflict-laden moments.

But most of all, and those of you who know me probably saw this
coming, I love God. I want to know more of Him this year, and I
want more than anything for Him to be the one leading me on.
I don't see myself ever converting to Catholicism (I'm not one
for ruling things out entirely until I'm positive), but I pray that
while I learn and ponder many things I have never pondered
before, that God will keep me safe and close to His heart as I
trust in Him with every faltering step I take in my search for
unity with this man. I believe with all of my heart that John is
a wonderful Christian man whose path up till recently has looked
quite different than my own. But those differences add dimensions
to our relationship that are causing us to think more deeply about
what it means to be a true Christian.

I thank all of you who have been a part of this journey with me, in
whatever capacity. I really appreciate the love, concern, care and
support that I have been shown by my family and my friends.

I will keep you updated on all of this as time goes on.

I am looking forward to starting my fourth semester of grad.
school this Thursday. I've got a full roster of piano lessons and
a few music concerts booked already (one in Wichita with John,
one in Lawrence, also with John), so it is looking to be a great
semester.

I pray that all who read this will be encouraged to seek after a
deeper understanding of who our great God is, however it is
that He leads each one of us to do so, and to share that journey
with each other. He is so awesome, but at the same time, so
willing to stoop down to meet us where we are, no matter where
we are. I believe in His mercy and goodness with all of my heart.

Let us commit our hearts, minds, and all the members of our
body to Him, to be used for His purposes and to bring Him glory
this coming year. What a privilege to serve and be used of Him!
We have the ministry of reconciliation. May we find our joy and
fulfillment within this ministry given by Christ.