"Sunlight angles on wooden floor at dawn
Ceiling fan is on, chopping all my dreams
What is left of them I take to sleep again
Where I dare pretend I'm more than I seem"
--Wilco ("Sky Blue Sky")

I was gifted with "Sky Blue Sky" and, of course,
it's really growing on me. It's Wilco afterall.
Wilco is just one of those bands for me that
although perhaps the first listen through I'm
like, "Well, that's ok," with subsequent listens
I catch little lyrical things and instrumentations
and such that are just not like any other band,
and I dig it.

I've heard it said that there is nothing new that
a musician/band can produce, and it's all in the
way you put your musical influences together.
So all we songwriting types are doing is piecing
together the way others have done it in the past
in slightly different ways. Perhaps, but I still
think that makes it "new." I don't think it makes
it less original, because nobody can piece things
together exactly like someone else. We're unique
creatures, all with some new way of looking at things
to offer to each other.

But really, the best thing any of us has to offer
anybody else is selfless love, you know? I mean, how
easy is it to just get stuck in your own world, your
own head, and largely forget that you are just a little
piece of a world so much bigger, with purposes so
much bigger to serve than just your own. I guess that
is to say, it is easy to forget about the reality of God,
His sovereignty, His astounding beauty which is fuller
and more complete than the beauty of any one of us
by ourselves, and His limitless capacity to love.

So I want my life to be different. I want to take this life
I've been given and, no matter what God brings me to
and through, always seek to serve rather than be served,
and to offer up a sacrifice of thanksgiving to my great
God. Lord, this is what I want, though I am still far off.

I've been making friends with a lot of homeless people
and random strangers lately. This is what comes of
hanging out downtown latish. Naomi and I met and
talked to this one guy for a long time, and we actually
ended up praying with him before the night was over.
He may not have fit the definition of a Saint, but he sure
seemed to have a connection with and a certain understanding
of who God is.

ALSO, I've been playing my guitar more lately....in the park!
Yes, it is fun to be playing an insturment that you can take
outside into the open air and share with the bugs and the
critters and the random bikeriders and dog-walkers. Fun.

And of course, been cooking a lot. Made a cake last night
using a mixture of cocoa and carob powder (natural chocolate
substitute) and it was pretty yummy.

Wow, why am I writing so much? Guess I feel like I've been hitting
some kind of internal growth spurt and feel the need to share.
Also, this has been a relaxed-paced week that I will look back
on with fondness in a month or two when things are CRAZY busy
again.

One last thing. I have started experimenting with creating percussion
tracks for my songs using fun things like whisks, graters, high heel
shoes and boxes. It's a good time. : )

"I can feel it, now it's time
Open your eyes
Fears be gone, it won't be long
There's a light in the skies
It's ok to look outside
The day it will abide
Watch the sunrise"
--Big Star (checked out from library)

OK, I'm gonna go watch the sunrise. Alright, so I'm a little late for that,
but I'm taking a morning walk and the sun will be rising.

Oh! Have I mentioned my new adorable little nephew? I must. I still don't
think they've picked out a name for him yet, but he's adopted and he's tiny
and beautiful and he's got some flavor is his skin! Yes, he's the first of our
immediate clan with some ethnicity. I'm a proud ant. : )

Hope you are well, friend. If you miss me at all like I miss you, then I can
sympathize with you. Thank the Lord we will all someday be together
forever. But for now, we find dear ones whose faces are near us to keep
our lives company, and it is beautiful.

Journal snippet from the end of a long analogy
about the dying of a love once so beautiful being like being
on a boat out in the ocean and then jumping ship when the
sun goes down, still holding onto the hand of the one you love,
the one who is beginning to sail away:

"Though at present we sail in darkness, the sunlight is both
a part of our past and our future lives."

I can't deny - I am dramatic.

Today I feel sad. But don't worry, I know that God will make
all things clear in time.

I need to get out of my apartment now. Bye, friend.

May God bless whoever it was that was praying for me this morning,
or in general. (I suspect my dear mom)

I was really depressed last night and this morning, but then God gave
me this song that somehow lifted me out of it, though it may not
seem like a really happy song. Here's the song:

Man of sorrows
Help me in my sorrow
You have taught me to call on Your Name
Help and heal me
Keep me ever near Thee
Make me so sure You'll not turn me away

Man of sorrows
Help us in our sorrows
Though we're like clouds ever drifting away
You have bought us
With a price so precious
May your broken body confront us when we stray

Man of sorrows
Help us in our sorrows
Against self-pity give strength to contend
May we know you
Deeper through the sorrow
That in your mercy you allow or send

I wrote this a few months ago, but somehow, it feels very
appropriate for today. I am going to now post it online to
try and make myself feel special. You see, I'm not feeling
exceptionally special today. Just being honest. But that's ok.
Even if I'm not...I really am, you know, because of who I belong
to (God). Alright already, here's the thing I wrote.

Change and I are solid friends
I move in circle as he bends
Seldom has a day gone by
That he's not saved me or caused me to cry
I love him, though I sometimes fear
I aught not love him quite so dear
For I cannot rely on him
To be there with me to the end
But when the dreadful day to day
Has robbed my inspiration's' play
I am reminded once again
How change can be my solid friend

I dunno. I'm no poet, but sometimes I really like to try.
Basically, sometimes I need change. Then other times,
change barges in and takes over, despite what I percieve as
what I need.

This is one of those times. Yes, things have changed. That one
particular relationship still eludes me - by just a hair, just a
seemingly small matter - that is, the future. It seems small now,
but when I think about it, I suppose this is for the best.

It is interesting to me to note what it was about this past relationship
that didn't sit well with me - this being the matter of stability. I've
never felt that this was a big deal to me, especially considering I am
a songwriter myself and can understand the desire for that to be your
line of work. However, when I consider the possibility of children and
how that would completely change my goals in life, I crave a security
that those goals would be without question taken care of.

Not to say that this matter is a closed case, but for right now, the
singer/songwriter, Catholic man and I are working on our friendship.
Sigh. It is alright. Psalms 30 and 31 helped me out when I was feeling
down last night. I'm so glad I have finally made it to the Psalms in my
personal reading.

So, friend, how are you? Go ahead, tell me. OK, ok, so I won't hear it
and you'll be talking to a computer screen, but still, I'd like to know.

OK, here's another piece of writing. This one has a melody, but it needs
more verses to graduate to being an official song.

Who can tell a heart such as mine-
Where sadness lingers on the vine-
Which broken dreams to stoop and men
Which tears to prune and which to end

Who can hear the tangled truth-
All woven in with sweet vermouth-
Entrust it to the Hands of time
And chase the sorrow from the wine

And here is a little nesting dream I have every now and then when I pass
little houses and think about a life I do not now own.

Someday we two shall live in a little house together
On lazy summer nights we two will go out walking
Someday the dreams we dream will hold us close together
Then with the morning light we'll start all over

Someday these hills shall rise up to the setting sun
Someday this tune shall float out to the ocean
Trees will wave their feathered wings in time with the rhythm
And to the echo of that beat we'll fly along with them.

You know what? There have been a lot of break-ups lately!
It's not just me anymore...It's CATCHING!! Watch out!
Seriously, two really close friends of mine have caught the
break-up bug. All you out there who are happily together
with someone...give them a big kiss today! For real!!

"It's a lonely world. Everybody's grabbing what they can get.
Love is wonderful you've heard. Don't know if you've seen it yet.
But you can't miss it when it comes. Don't settle for less then love."
--The Normals

You know, I have loved much in these past few years. I have
genuinely loved and have been genuinely loved, at least, I really
believe this. This I do not regret. Love is wonderful, I know.
But sometimes, it does not make up for the lack of commonality,
compatability, or whatever. That is a sad fact. But it IS ok.
You've gotta appreciate the experiences you are allowed for
whatever unknown reason. This is what I think anyway.

Thanks for letting me share. I just might work on some music stuff
tonight. I love summer.

I'll let you know if anything significant changes, as it often does.
Thanks for caring, and/or reading. : ) You are FABULOUS!!!!!

Thunder is rumbling low out my window. Also, there are
firecrackers popping. It's a nice, unusual combination. Lots
of racket. I like it.

Friend, things are changing. Guess they always are in one
way or another.

I had such a nice weekend at home. It was fun to hang out
with brother, sister, families, and my cousin and his pregnant
wife. They are all such great people. I had a lot of fun just
being around all of them. It made it kind of sad to come
home to my lonely apartment. But I have my fishies, and more
importantly, so many good friends and people in my life who
care about me.

Speaking of people who care about me, it has been a little tough
lately to handle how much two certain people care about me. This
care is taking the form of vehemently disaproving of my choice of
boyfriends. Please pray for this if you think of it. I want to be
respectful but still make my own decision, regardless of the fears
and criticisms coming from these two whom I love and respect. I
know the criticisms are coming from hearts full of love and concern,
I just believe that how a person lives their life is far more telling of
their theology then what church they attend.

Of course, I only hold this belief to a certain extent. I mean, I don't
think it's just about being a nice person or something. You have to
believe in Jesus and trust His merits to save you. You need to rely
on the truth of His Word. But combined with these things, the most
important factor for deciphering someone's spiritual condition I
believe is the way they love others and their integrity.

What do you think? Anyone have a word for me on dating a Catholic
(also with Orthodox leanings) who appreciates the liturgy and the
reverence of the Eucharist upheld in this church? He's not a hardcore
Catholic in every way, but he's found a spiritual depth there that has
been very beneficial, having come from Protestant churches that just
weren't making the grade as far as challenging him to grow in his
walk with Christ. He's not anti-Protestant, he's just found something
that works better for him at this time in his life.

I'm done with my summer class. I'm looking forward to a nice July.

Hope you are well. I think I might take a walk.
Psalm 23 really is wonderful during times when you feel so insecure
and without support. I am glad for the support of my Father and for
the love of my family and so many others.
Lord, please let me serve you.