Songs in progress..

How is it that you love me
even when I don't love you?
How is it that you desire me
when I should be desiring you?
The fairest one, the rarest one
whose beauty I'm too numb to see
Whose grace is not too proud to stir
the cold heart inside of me

Such a love should cause me to shutter
Such a love seems too good to be
Such a friend, a father, a brother
But lately my heart has grown cold
Dear Jesus, let me love Thee

And another...

I cried last night, Lord I cried last night
over being alone
I woke up, waking, awake to find this
world is not my home
Little painted boxes stacked in rows
cannot house my soul
Neither can love and romance ever
really make me whole

Rejoice in the Lord while walking through this world
We're never alone, rejoice in the Lord always
Rejoice in the Lord while walking through this world
We're on our way home, rejoice in the Lord always

I came to fight, yes I came to fight
down on my knees
I took to flight on the wings of night
then you humbled me
Little pieces of emotion and fragments of feeling
that's all I am
Lord, please fill me full with your love
so I can

Rejoice in the Lord while walking through this world
We're never alone, rejoice in the Lord always
Rejoice in the Lord while walking through this world
We're on our way home, rejoice in the Lord always


It's not the same without the melody, but it will at least
give you an idea of some of my thoughts lately. I'm glad
some recent song ideas have been God-centered, 'cause
I just came out of writing a series of frustrated relationship
type songs, oddly enough, in an old school country sort of
style. Yeah, I never knew I had it in me. Maybe I don't, but
whatever. There was one about tearing down telephone
poles and one about a train whistle, and that might have
been it.

I'm becoming more and more consumed by my new food
obsession. I have homemade sauerkraut, porridge, crispy
walnuts, beet kvass, and am in the process of my first
batch of sourdough bread (it takes 7 days and lots of
bowl switching. Is it strange that I kind of like the smell
of fermenting rye flour?) My weirdness level is rising,
but hopefully so is my general health. All this bean and
grain soaking is supposed to decrease that pesky phytic
acid so I can absord more nutrients. Sweet.

I am generally excited about most things, and happy.
Naomi came for eggplant curry last night and we had
a nice time. This Saturday night I have plans to watch
"Life is Beautiful" and eat some Italian at James' apt.
with a group of church friends. Also, I am really
enjoying my job these days. I like helping kids, or
just being around them and writing in my journal.

Sometimes, also, I am lonely. But this is only bad at
unpredictable, isolated moments. It is a feeling I'm
learning to deal with. It's better than drama, right?
For now, it is what I need.

May God help us to love Him as we ought. I know I
haven't given Him enough of my heart's attention as
of late.

I leave with a quote from "Augustine's Confessions":

"But while I was struggling toward you, you pushed me
back so that I might taste of death, for 'God resisteth
the proud.' And what could be prouder than my
sublimely foolish assertion that I was made of the
same stuff that you are? I knew that I was subject
to change, because I wanted to learn more and to
improve myself. So I preferred to think that you, too,
are changeable, rather than believe that I was not as
you are. That is what pushed me back: you kept
rebuffing my conceited obstinancy."

He is not like us. He is God. He is all knowing, and
He does not change as we do. We are blown over
and carried along with the wind, but He is constant.