A few reminders..
1. The feelings you feel are not complete. Feelings are
fragments of life, but not the whole of life. The truth
comes after the emotions die down.

Today I felt like crap (excuse the crass expression).
But then, later in the day I realized that today is just
a day, and if I really have faith in God, I won't let a
few sour emotions get me too far off course.

2. God is always at work. (a reminder received via my
friend James)

I get stuck inside my little apartment just like I get
stuck inside my little head, and sometimes I forget
that, even though I can't always see it, God is working
in the lives of those I care about and pray for, and in
the lives of trillions of others as well, and in mine!

3. You are loved. Christ laid down His life for you.

To love or not to love?

Is that the question?
(Could someone please restate the question?)

Songs in progress..

How is it that you love me
even when I don't love you?
How is it that you desire me
when I should be desiring you?
The fairest one, the rarest one
whose beauty I'm too numb to see
Whose grace is not too proud to stir
the cold heart inside of me

Such a love should cause me to shutter
Such a love seems too good to be
Such a friend, a father, a brother
But lately my heart has grown cold
Dear Jesus, let me love Thee

And another...

I cried last night, Lord I cried last night
over being alone
I woke up, waking, awake to find this
world is not my home
Little painted boxes stacked in rows
cannot house my soul
Neither can love and romance ever
really make me whole

Rejoice in the Lord while walking through this world
We're never alone, rejoice in the Lord always
Rejoice in the Lord while walking through this world
We're on our way home, rejoice in the Lord always

I came to fight, yes I came to fight
down on my knees
I took to flight on the wings of night
then you humbled me
Little pieces of emotion and fragments of feeling
that's all I am
Lord, please fill me full with your love
so I can

Rejoice in the Lord while walking through this world
We're never alone, rejoice in the Lord always
Rejoice in the Lord while walking through this world
We're on our way home, rejoice in the Lord always


It's not the same without the melody, but it will at least
give you an idea of some of my thoughts lately. I'm glad
some recent song ideas have been God-centered, 'cause
I just came out of writing a series of frustrated relationship
type songs, oddly enough, in an old school country sort of
style. Yeah, I never knew I had it in me. Maybe I don't, but
whatever. There was one about tearing down telephone
poles and one about a train whistle, and that might have
been it.

I'm becoming more and more consumed by my new food
obsession. I have homemade sauerkraut, porridge, crispy
walnuts, beet kvass, and am in the process of my first
batch of sourdough bread (it takes 7 days and lots of
bowl switching. Is it strange that I kind of like the smell
of fermenting rye flour?) My weirdness level is rising,
but hopefully so is my general health. All this bean and
grain soaking is supposed to decrease that pesky phytic
acid so I can absord more nutrients. Sweet.

I am generally excited about most things, and happy.
Naomi came for eggplant curry last night and we had
a nice time. This Saturday night I have plans to watch
"Life is Beautiful" and eat some Italian at James' apt.
with a group of church friends. Also, I am really
enjoying my job these days. I like helping kids, or
just being around them and writing in my journal.

Sometimes, also, I am lonely. But this is only bad at
unpredictable, isolated moments. It is a feeling I'm
learning to deal with. It's better than drama, right?
For now, it is what I need.

May God help us to love Him as we ought. I know I
haven't given Him enough of my heart's attention as
of late.

I leave with a quote from "Augustine's Confessions":

"But while I was struggling toward you, you pushed me
back so that I might taste of death, for 'God resisteth
the proud.' And what could be prouder than my
sublimely foolish assertion that I was made of the
same stuff that you are? I knew that I was subject
to change, because I wanted to learn more and to
improve myself. So I preferred to think that you, too,
are changeable, rather than believe that I was not as
you are. That is what pushed me back: you kept
rebuffing my conceited obstinancy."

He is not like us. He is God. He is all knowing, and
He does not change as we do. We are blown over
and carried along with the wind, but He is constant.

A very Merry January 4th to you!
I hereby officially extend the Holiday
(Holiday = Holy Day) season until
further notice, or until Valentine's
Day. Whichever comes first.

I don't really see why it should have
to end now, do you? I'm still feeling
mighty jolly, and the snow is sure to
be back in a few days.

Whatever Lisa.

Over the break I spent some time
with some of the most important
people in my life thus far. Though
not all the family was able to make
it, there were good times with mom,
dad (till he left for Israel trip #...what
is it now? 5, 6?), Mae, Mark, Mary, and
of course Abby and Renee. I cannot
possibly begin to describe the many
instances where I realized just how
blessed I am to have these people in
my life.

There was a walk with mom where she
shared some of her personal burdens,
and I felt beyond honored that she
considered me someone worthy of
these personal thoughts and feelings.

There was a night out for coffee where I
was stuck in my own personal cloud of
blah, but my buddies still loved me and
put up with my foul attitude, and forgave
me the next day when I snapped out of it.

And those were the "downer" moments! So
funny that those are the kinds of moments
that stick out to me - the moments that cause
me to love life all the more, because they
helped me to see something true, or to grow
or watch someone else grow.

There was also a conversation with Renee
where she shared with me a problem that she
struggles with, and that is: she can't stop her
brain from thinking!! I've known a few people
in my life who have described to me the panic
that they sometimes feel because they can't
make their brain shut off, even for a little while,
and they wish they could.

This is a fascinating thing to me, because I have
a someone slow moving brain that tends to filter
through a lot of different images and movie screen
type pictures, but then usually focuses in on just
a few concepts at a time until it has made some
peace with those concepts or issues. But
sometimes, I don't have any words with which to
describe the things in my head, and sometimes, I
would even say I can stare off into space and think
about NOTHING.

Like today. I went out to the new park I discovered
on my drive home to Lawrence (Riverside), and found
a completely isolated part on the outskirts of the
park. I think perhaps it was the most solidly alone
I have ever been. I walked up to this hill, and then
on the other side, all I could see were barren fields
and some farmhouses way off in the distance, and
a train farther off than that, and then finally, some
hills, who knows how far off. It was so quiet, with
so nothing around. And then I just sat, and what
was going through my head during those minutes
before I opened "Augustine's Confessions"? Just
about nothing. A few thought fragments at best.
I contemplated expanding on them in my journal,
pencil in hand, but I decided they weren't really
worth the effort, and I would rather think nothing
for a few more moments, and then read someone
else's thoughts.

Sometimes my brain just needs to sit out for a few
days. Just like when you make Sauerkraut, or Beet
Kvass, or when you sprout beans. Oh, and that
brings me to my new cooking obsession.

If you get a chance, read about the cookbook and
thoughts about the American health crisis entitled
"Nourishing Traditions" by Sally Fallon. Apparently,
we would do ourselves favors by letting our food
sit out a few days. Well, it's a bit more complicated
than that. But the idea of lacto-fermentation seems
to be catching on because of its immense health
benefits.

I'll stop there.
Enjoy the January.

Tomorrow I get up at 6:30 am for the new job.