Life is interesting. Life is funny. Life is complicated.

Mostly, I like it, but that is primarily because of
this thing where I read words in or inspired by the
Bible and put them into my brain and write them in
my journal, and they make everything else in my brain
sunny, even when it's been super cloudy. Praise God
for His Holy Spirit and the Word that lights my path.
Putting His Word in my head, I truly believe, changes
the very nature of my brain and my person as a whole.
It is transforming.

Today I found a precious piece of time to partake of
that and was struck again by the idea of strength
perfected in weakness. Isn't it amazing that God
can and is actually working out his perfection in
our very bodies?? It makes sense to me that he can
work at perfecting us through our weaknesses, but
only if, in response to those weaknesses, we choose
to cling to him all the harder.

So here's to clinging to God all the harder because
we are weak and flawed. Here's to allowing our
weaknesses to actually be worked out for our good
and for the refining of our souls. We need only
acknowledge him, dwell on his goodness, and seek
his mercy and grace everyday, and every time we
mess up, as well as when we are running well. I
have a feeling though, that the closer to Him we
get, the more we will realize how far we are from
being Holy as He is Holy.

I wonder how much we really get glimpses of that
Holiness being perfected in us. Maybe we all have
the potential for that...I'm not sure. I feel so
very far from it, but I want to "be strong in the
grace that is in Christ Jesus," and to do my best
to present myself to God "as one approved, a
workman who correctly handles the word of truth."

On a personal note, I am a single girl again. Now
that things with the boyfriend have come to a halt,
it has come to my attention that it would be good
for me to just spend some time clearing my head and
centering my heart of the Lord alone. I was in this
past relationship for nearly 9 months, though 7 of
them were mostly long distance. It was good, and he
was great, and we were...mostly good. We had so
many good times together, and so many growing times,
and I really value all the time I had with him. I
admire a lot of things about him and we had so many
great laughs and sweet moments that I won't ever
forget.

There were hard moments, even hard weeks, but I know
that is pretty normal. I'm not sure absolutely, I
just know my heart ran out of faith, ran out of steam,
or something. For some reason or combination of
reasons, it was all too easy for me to question how
much he really cared for me on the deep down level.
I'm not criticizing him because he did so much to show
me he cared, so many kindnesses that humbled me. It's
just that we didn't always speak the same language, to
the extent that I am now needing some time and space in
the hopes of gaining some kind of clarity. I'm not sure.
Maybe it was doomed, maybe I just gave up... maybe you
can make a lot of things work if you really try... I
guess I just need a break. And maybe that means it's
over and I've sealed our fate.

I know God is in control, and that He knows what is
going on. I'll just rest in that for now. I am
grateful for my Bible study friends and family who
advised me strongly to not take my heart in any
direction at the moment, but just rest in singleness
for a while. I think that was wise advice, and I
am doing my best to use this time to re-focus
completely on Him, and trust His hand to guide me,
whatever that means. I am in no rush to do anything
but follow His leading. "Lord, help me, teach me."

I'm doing a lot of reading for my Thesis right now,
as well as teaching piano lessons, leading a choir
for international students (*awesome* opportunity
that landed in my lap!), and getting to know a great
lady from the United Arab Emirates through a thing
called "conversation partners." I have been really
blessed by getting to know this lady, who has 5 kids
and is working on her English skills in order to
complete her PhD in Education at KU. I've also
managed to find one really great open mic night in
Shawnee. I heart open mic nights that are not in
seedy bars! : ) I'll be singing my heart out, along
with some other friendly folks down at Waxy O'Shea's
tomorrow night, most likely. So fun.

I hope you are doing well, whatever you are up to,
dear friend. I wonder, are you in a "workman
approved" and strong sort of state, or in a
"strength perfected through weakness" sort of
place? Are you feeling up and encouraged and thankful
and blessed, or weak and small and lowly in Spirit,
or a combination? No matter what combination it is,
take joy in this sentence I read from C.H. Spurgeon
the other day:

"Better to have a glimpse of Jesus than to see all
the glory of the earth all the days of our life."