I'm not sure how to start this post, but I will.
I think I just did.

I finished the internship. It was a great experience.
I fell in love with so many dear people in Cleveland
and Lakewood, both clients and friends. I genuinely
loved that place and wouldn't rule it out for my
future, depending on the choices the Lord leads me to.

It's hard to sum up all the different situations and
emotions that I've experienced in the last few months.
Transitions are always weird, and this one was no
exception. But in all of it, I know God was guiding
and protecting me, despite my missteps and mistakes.

I want to share that lately God has been dealing with some
pride in my heart. He knows all things and he knew the
exact way to get me to see what is really inside of me.
He put me in a relationship with a quality guy who is what
one might call a typical guy in the area of emotional
expressiveness. For whatever reason, I have dated a lot
of unusually expressive guys in the past. But the guy
I'm dating now isn't particularly that way. It has forced
me to grow in ways I would not have otherwise.

I tend to surround myself with expressive, emotional people
who say affirming things and pick up on every little nuance
of behavior. It makes being a little passive-aggressive not
such an issue because these types can easily pick up on what
you're feeling and try to bring it out of you more.

But the guy I've been dating (no good reason to use names),
though not as naturally expressive and intuitive as some, has
had the humility and patience to bear with me and learn, and we
have been growing in our understanding of each other and what
it really means to love another person. It kind of makes it
even more meaningful when you finally reach those moments of
understanding, because they were not easily won.

Being in this relationship has shone a light on the role
that pride plays inside of my heart. I have a very sensitive
heart, but also fiercely independent and very passionate,
which means sometimes I am so over-the-top in love, but in
a matter of hours can change to nearly hating that same
person if I feel my love is not reciprocated. I defensively
tear that person down inside if I cannot see specific and clear
signs of their returned love for me. It isn't pretty, and I
don't like to own up to it, but that is what goes on.

I passive-aggressively have a need or want that I don't want
to have to communicate, so I just wait and watch, and if I
don't see signs that the person wants to fulfill or even
understands that need or want, I quite possibly will begin
to turn on that person. I know, I know... that's pretty
messed up. I am definitely still learning how to love with
Christ's love and not my own love that is so flawed.

I want to face this in hopes of changing it. That lives
inside of me, and I don't want it to. But on a positive
note, this guy has been so so patient with me as I've been
facing these things in myself, and we've been steadily
working through both my pride, and he has been learning
how to be more sensitive to me. That's pretty amazing.

We're still on the journey of discovering if we are right
for each other, but on this journey, I want to be focused
on what really matters. It's really not about finding the
perfect person for you (you'll never find perfection in
another flawed person anyway), it's about finding the person
that God desires for you, with whom you can serve the Kingdom
and be a picture of Christ and the church to the world.

The wife is to honor and respect her husband and the husband
is to love his wife even above his own life. It is supposed
to be so utterly beautiful! I will feel so blessed if I am
ever finally led to make the decision to marry a God-
fearing man. It is beautiful, but it requires a lot of
self-sacrificing love. I still need to grow in this area.

"Lord, help me. Help us all to learn more of how to love with
Your love and to consider others above ourselves."

Switching gears...

If you have a moment, I HIGHLY recommend checking out a podcast
of an amazing man of God. His name is Francis Chan, and his
podcast is called "Cornerstone Simi Valley." He is a pastor
of a church in California, is Asian, and is completely sold out
and passionate for God. I have been very encouraged to pursue
my Savior and love him more through watching his video podcast,
as well as some clips of him on youtube. Thanks to my dear
dad for introducing me to this guy!

I encourage all reading to seek to know God more and more this
year, clinging to His precious Word. Get one of those read
through the Bible guides (onegreatstory.com/reading.html),
get a good devotional book (Charles Spurgeon's "Mornings and
Evenings" highly recommended, or "My Utmost for His Highest"),
or whatever is going to get you in the Word and meditating on
our Great God. I'm preaching to myself as well as to you.

Anyone have another suggestion for sources of Spiritual
inspiration or good devotional books? I'd love to hear.

I've been reading 1 Timothy lately, and really enjoying it,
especially chapters 1, 4 and 6, though they are all useful
for teaching and training, of course.

Here's a little snippet from my journal yesterday:

"Because of Christ, I am a partaker in the blessed Kingdom
of God! I, according to his Word, though least in the
Kingdom, am greater than John the Baptist. But regardless
of all the joys and blessings in Christ on this earth and
in this life, 'Come, Lord Jesus, come quickly and capture
your children away! We long eagerly for your return.'

Lord, bless the trials of your children, especially those
suffering in Haiti now."

Thanks for reading. : )