Hello! Is anyone else just completely in love
with Autumn? I think the world is about at its
height of beauty now, at the end of October.
There were leaves all strewn about the highway
as I drove past downtown Cleveland today, making
all that concrete and the rows of traffic so much
more magical. And of course there was rain. It
does that a lot here. But the moisture seemed
to make the brilliant shades of yellow and red
even more dramatic, blowing all over but with
restraint, swimming in puddles and sticking to
the sides of things as I drove the curves in the
winding roads. My windshield wipers accompanied
the silence in my car as I took repose from all
the noise stored on my iPod.

So, I want to mention that I have been feeling very
blessed lately to be dating such an awesome guy.
We have been working through some communication type
issues, just normal guy/girl stuff, but the past
couple weeks have just been wonderful. It seems like
we kind of broke through the confusion and mis-
communications and finally started connecting on the
same wavelength, and things have been great ever since.
I know these things go in waves, but I'm feeling good
about the capability of this boat to weather the storms
that may come. I've been really impressed with the way
that Jim handles things when I get emotional or express
something to him. He listens, and though he may not
react immediately, he does respond in his way and in
his time, and comes back with this rock like steadfastness
that we will work it through together. That has been
really great for me. I really appreciate him and am
very hopeful about where God might be leading us, but
also keeping my eyes open and trusting Him to guide us
further. Having some time in the same city again will
be helpful.

It's now less than two months before I'll be done with
the internship and back in the midwest. The time that
I've been in Cleveland has not been long enough to
really start to feel rooted and at home here, but I
have begun to feel the beginnings of what could grow
into a feeling of at homeness. I think the biggest
barrier to that that I haven't overcome is finding a
home church. I have been to some great churches, but
I've been church hopping a lot, since Parkside is just
so far away.

But I have still managed to meet some great folks, both
at church and at coffeehouses, on parkbenches, at garage
sales, and through Sarah. There are some awesome people
out here. I know I could come to feel at home here.

And I haven't even mentioned some of the places I've
discovered here lately! Oh, my goodness, I so fell in
love with "Algebra Tea House" last Friday. It's about
perfect. I loved the mis-shapen, hand painted mugs and
this drink called "Roasted Roots" that tasted kind of
like coffee. And they had Baklava and falafel wraps
and the cutest, handmade looking tables of different
shapes and sizes... it was nice.

I also discovered a great vegetarian friendly sandwich
shop (not that I'm vegetarian, but I do love a good
vegetable) called "Tommies" in this area of town called
Coventry. It reminded me a little of Lawrence because
there were all these great little shops and restaurants
all along this long street. But... it still isn't
Lawrence. It still isn't quite as hippie and unique as
that town I miss. But it had it's own charm that I
could definitely come to appreciate if I ever lived here
for a while.

Real quick, I just have to tell you about last Wednesday
night. After some evening sessions at the group home in
Lakewood, I went down to Beck Cafe for the open mic night
there. I've gone a couple times but hadn't been brave
enough to play yet. I decided it was time. I made friends
with this sweet lady last week and she said that if I sang
"Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" she would sing harmony with me.
So I played one of my songs ("Weigh Me Down" is what I'm
calling it) and then an old hymn that I wrote new music
to ("Jesus Meek and Lowly") and then we did "Swing Low,
Sweet Chariot." It was like a dream moment to me because
everybody in the place started singing with us. There's
just something about singing with a group of almost
strangers that is just strangely bonding and wonderful.
Yeah, I think I'm in the right profession. : )

Hope you're enjoying October while it lasts! I miss you,
dear friend reading this (unless you live in Cleveland...
but I don't think many Cleveland people read this...). I
hope you are exceptionally well and feeling blessed. We
are always blessed because we serve a God who hears our
prayers and graciously blesses us with every Spiritual
blessing in Christ. And all we must do is believe in
Him, trust His Word, and allow Him to work in and through
us. Faith is such a mystery! God is so faithful and good.

Rainy introspection paired with Darjeeling in a mug from Vandalia, IL

Cleveland, you are beautiful in your gloomy, grey October
rain.

I am thankful. I am thankful for this day of restoration.
It is a luxury to find a few hours to indulge in introspection
and songwriting therapy, and now blogging.

I haven't posted any songs on here in a while. I haven't been
really raw on here in a while, until that last post. That was
pretty raw. I guess sometimes you just reach those moments
when your desire to be really seen and really heard, even if by
only a few sporadic blog readers, outweighs your desire to hold
back and leave an impression of having it all together.

I do not have it all together.

Most recently have discovered I do not have it all together because
I am not comfortable or adequate in this venture called love. I
am scared to death by the realization that to truly love someone,
I have to face the fact that my love is imperfect, and accept that
in return I as well will be imperfectly loved.

It's so much easier when things are new, when you're just in awe
and wonder of having someone in your life who says he loves you
and who you love so easily. It's another thing when you start
getting into the real meat of loving another flawed person, and
realizing that it isn't going to be easy for them to love you all the
time. That's so humbling to realize... it's almost unbearable at
times. I'm so vain and so selfish somewhere deep inside, and I
just want to run away rather then face glaring imperfection in
myself and in another and in our understanding of each other.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm strong enough of a person to really
follow through with this whole love thing. It seems so much safer
to just wall up inside my apartment and write in my journal, my
nice, neat speculations about the world, ordering everything into
my crisp, cursive paragraphs. I can write the world any way I
want and dream about how things might be someday, in my
safe, perfect, unrealistic dream world.

But this is a world for the weak.

The real world of love and sacrifice demands much more
internal strength and selflessness then the imagined world of
my journal pages. And I know that there's nothing wrong with
speculating, with analyzing, with dreaming about how I hope
things will someday be, but Lord, I don't want to get hung up
on my fear of imperfection that I'm too scared to really live and
love and fail and work and grow and become a more useful vessel.
Lord, make me willing to be poured out when you desire it of me.
Please, give me strength, wisdom, discernment.... and so much love.

I so do not have it all together, but I am held together in the
most wonderful, powerful hands - the hands that formed my
very soul and made big chunks of wood called trees spring up
out of the ground for our use and enjoyment... and so much
more... all the beauty and wonder we take for granted in this
gorgeous world.

And although I find myself in yet another long distance relationship
where wading through the ins and outs of love becomes a lesson
in laying down my pride, I find myself one step closer to the woman
I was created to be, here in rainy Cleveland. I'm still learning, still
growing, and still so amazingly blessed.

And I found myself in the company of new friends last night at the
20 something get together at Bay Presbyterian Church. It was
exactly what I needed and I really enjoyed those people. I made a
handful of new friends and I hope to get to know them more in my
last few months here. But who knows... someday I might be back.
I really have grown to like this area. Seriously. Lakewood and
surrounding areas really have a lot to offer.

I observed another Music Therapist at the Cleveland Music School
Settlement last week and was pretty impressed. Very nice set up
they have. I look forward to one day having a job, similar to the one
I now have, except as a board-certified MT, actually making a liveable
wage and all. Yeah, that would be nice. : ) As it stands now, K-Mart
will be helping me through these last few months. Hooray for minimum
wage.

Friend and reader, I encourage you today to reach more and more outside
of yourself and learn what it is to love and give of yourself in the strength
that is ours in Christ. I encourage this, not because I do it well, but
because I know how important it is. Let's keep trying, struggling with
all His energy. Let's trust in Him and not anything or anyone else. He
will make our paths straight.

I am so glad for the patience of our God with all of our weaknesses. Dear
Lord, help me to extend the same kind of patience to others as you extend
to me every minute of every day. Please guide me in Your truth and grow
me in Your perfect love. I am so imperfect and so in need of your perfection.