Grace.
I am doing better now.
God answers prayers through
people in my life who care enough
to call and speak with me, even
when I'm feeling blue.

Thanks mom, Michial, and Jamie.
And thanks for the Christmas cards
Jenny, Maralee, and others.
It remains to be seen if I will send any.

Merry Christmas to everyone! It's only
a few days away! Happy, happy thoughts.

messy

Now that I've had a few days without school,
I'm having an identity crisis.

urrrrrrggggg!

Seriously, I've been so mad at everything lately
and the whole world seems like a giant letdown.

This is so depressive, forgive me. Why is nothing
ever as it seems? Why does it hurt to breathe?
Where is that person I once dreamed I would be?

God, where are you when I am so stuck inside of me?
Please, please, can you lend me a hand? I need to
get far far away from the patheticness that is myself
tonight. Why am I posting when I'm like this? Some
strange desire to balance out the moods of my posts,
like the whole world deserves to know the deep down,
disturbed me, as well as the "everything is great" me?
Lis, why don't you just keep the blues to yourself?

I dunno. Maybe I feel like honesty is more important
than pride. Maybe I'm so confused sometimes I just
need to cry out for help to no one in particular because
no one in particular is not a real person and I don't
want anyone in particular to know how pathetic I can
be. But deep down, I want everyone to know...and to
love me anyway.

Tonight there was a recital and this kid I teach piano
played this amazing song he wrote. It was the highlight
of my day, without a doubt. It's not just that he's
talented...he also has that fire of music inside of him
that just begs to be seen and appreciated. That rocks.

And I learned that one of my favorite little girls will
not be coming back next semester due to some
time constraints due to needing physical therapy for
a newly discovered problem that she has. I will miss
her. She always came into her lesson talking about
something random that happened at school or home,
totally unaware of herself and consumed by her
childish emotions all at the same time. She sparkles
with originality, even if rhythm is not her forte. Oh,
I will miss her.

So many beautiful people. If only I could go around and
show people what I see when I look at them. Maybe
then people would understand why I go around with that
far off look on my face sometimes and why I fall in love
so easily. Everyone I see posesses power and beauty.

And I...I wish I had someone to shine that back at me.
I wish I could really believe that about myself. Some
days I almost think I do...
God, just tell me that I'm yours, and that you're not done
with me yet. I need your kind of acceptance and love
tonight. I am pathetically yours. You are my gracious
Savior, who brings salvation, whose purposes NEVER fail.

Isaiah 46:8-13
Remember this, fix it in mind,
take it to heart, you rebels.
Remember the former things, those
of long ago;
I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is none like me.
I make known the end from the beginning,
from ancient times, what is still to come.
I say: My purpose will stand,
and I will do all that I please.
From the east I summon a bird of prey;
from a far-off land, a man to fulfill
my purpose.
What I have said, that will I bring about;
what I have planned, that will I do.
Listen to me, you stubborn-hearted,
you who are far from righteousness.
I am bringing my righteousness near,
it is not far away;
and my salvation will not be delayed.
I will grant salvation to Zion,
my splendor to Israel.

Lord, I am one without righteousness.
Bring your righteousness to me, please!
I need you so much I can't stand it.
I am the stubborn-hearted one.
I am listening. This stabbing pain has
got my attention, and I am listening!
Help me, please. Bring your salvation
to me and lead me to your rest this
Christmas time. I am a mess.

So, I don't need to panic about anything tonight?
You mean, I can breathe in and out and release
all of that building tension into the air to float
away from me? Are you serious? Oh, that is
good to hear.

The finals are over. First semester of Graduate
school, first big step towards becoming a
board certified music therapist, check!

Everything got done, amazingly, and there
were only a handful of days that the stress
level was quite significant...so I say "Thank
you Lord for helping me through." I had just
one really bad day when I was tired AND
cranky, and there were a lot of near break
down moments. But that was yesterday, and
today is today. I'm DONE!!

I think the three things I am most proud of
having accomplished this semester are:

--Learning how to write clinical goals and
objectives for music therapy sessions.
--Writing ALL those papers, especially for
that SPED class! (Seriously, a LOT of writing)
--Making that visual aid with accompanying
song to be used with children with autism
(I am not generally a crafty type of person,
so I was scared of this assignment, but
clip art saved the day, as well as Digital
Performer Quickscribe notation).

I hope you all are finding moments to relax.
I am going to seek those out over the next
two weeks, and then....I'm going to Israel.
Yep, that's right. Dad is gonna show me,
Mae, aunt and uncle, and one of his friends
all around that country, so rich with history.
I am SO SO SO SO excited! I just can't wait
to see all these new faces and new places
that are farther away from what is normal
to me than anything I've ever experienced.
I want to see what it's like to be in a
totally different part of the world. What
an adventure! I have the best Dad EVER.

Life is good.
Know why?

Here's why:
I don't have to do anything to earn God's love
and acceptance of me. I couldn't even come
close if I tried and tried.
So, all I have to do is accept that love and say
"Wow, I don't understand why this is offered
so freely to me, but I accept it - of course,
of course I accept it!"

Just like the children of Israel in the book of
Joshua when they entered the land God had
promised them, and ate from fields they
did not plant and lived in houses they did
not build. They didn't have much to do with
being born and Israelite or the miracles such
as parting the Red Sea, or recieving bread
from heaven. Their job was simply to accept
it, and to fear the Lord and serve Him only.

Lord, help us to accept your amazing,
incomprehensible gift of love to us, even
when we feel so unworthy and we don't
understand the context or how we came
to be offered such a gift. Help us to open
wide our mouths and let you fill them, like
a baby bird does with it's mother.

Help us in our hearts to love you first and
to accept your love for us and your son's
death as payment for all of our failures.

Serve the Lord with fear. He is great and he
is love. This is the love that never fails, that
waits always with open arms. Believe it. Act
on it. This is my Christmas charge to myself
and to anyone reading.

Hey guys. I'm really happy.

Last night I dropped in on the 20s30s Christmas
Party for a bit to break up my homework sessions,
and I just have to say, the carol sing time was so
hilarious it was borderline offensive. I mean, not
really - I think God has a sense of humor so I
doubt he was really offended....but man, O Holy
Night will never be the same to me.

I don't know what happened exactly, but somehow
we managed to pick THE MOST AWKWARD key that
that song has EVER been sung in IN THE HISTORY
OF TIME. And on top of that, some people were
trying to go up really high on the end of the refrain.
I don't know if they were just goofing off or what,
but MAN! We hardly made it through, it was that
bad. Believe it.

I really needed the comic relief, though. It's that
time of the semester where you just dive in and
hope the world will still be standing by the time
it's all over with. But really, it's not too bad. I just
gotta keep on top of things.

Oh, and about that being happy comment. Well,
basically, God is just very very amazing. You see,
he forgives me when I struggle with sin and lose,
he accepts my prayers, he is gracious and loving
as well as just and all-powerful, and he gives such
good gifts. For example, talking with Naomi till
2:30 am Friday night. Talking with Jamie, and just
about everything having to do with Jamie. What
an amazing guy who has shown me so much care.

And on top of that, today I called my new internet
provider to report what I believed to be an error on
my first bill, and they ended up correcting the
mistake, and another one I didn't even see coming!
Basically, one phone call saved me 100+ dollars!
Go Sunflower Broadband!

Alright, there's my happy post. Back to homework.