You know what is scary to realize sometimes?
That I'm stuck inside my own head.
However, if I truly believe in God and the
power of the Holy Spirit through Christ, and
in the absolute authority of the Word of God,
this should not scare me too much.
What I mean is, while I know my own heart and
intentions, the fact that these may be good
alone does in no way assure that I will not
cause harm to others. Everybody lives inside
their own mind in a sense, and we percieve things
through a dark, clouded glass. We percieve and
interpret life, but our perception isn't always
the right one.
This kind of scares me sometimes. But once again,
I know that ultimately, my trust is in Him and
His ability to cover over my sins and repair the
damage I do to others, intentionally or unintentionally.
I guess part of this fear comes from wanting everyone
to like me and wanting to never have to upset anyone.
I want so much to be a person who promotes growth in
the lives of everyone I come in contact with, by the
grace given by God. And by His grace, I know all things
work together for good to those who are called according
to his purposes... and so, I need to let this worry go.
God is in control. He will bring about his purposes
despite all the things I royally mess over. That is a
relief.
I've been observing some things about this person named
Lisa lately (me). I think I'm adaptable. I don't have a
lot of fears. I am pretty trusting, though less so then
I used to be. I'm somewhat analytical, somewhat emotional,
and extremely open. These are things I've been learning
about myself.
It's interesting to learn things about yourself through
journaling and then going back and reading things and
reflecting on your life path, decisions, and current
mindset. I feel like journaling is a great way to learn
about the human species because it's an in-depth case study
on the one human being you know the most about: yourself.
Yes, it's scary at times, but I'd rather face it and learn
things then be oblivious to what I am. Many times it isn't
pretty, but it is real and, when I'm interpreting my life
through the lens that the Word of God provides through the
Holy Spirit, it is true. I very much want to know what is
true, face it, deal with it, and grow from it as much as I
possibly can without crossing a line into becoming anxious and
trying too hard to do something on my own power.
That's another thing I've been thinking about: worry. I
think worry is the root of lots of unhealthy, unproductive
things. I've observed this in my own life and in the lives
of others. What is the point of worrying?? It doesn't
do any good to anyone. If I'm starting to worry, I think
the best thing to do is to think of what action I can and
cannot do in order to deal with what I'm worrying about.
And if I can't do anything, then I just need to pray and
give it up to God. To hold onto it at that point is a lack
of faith in his ability to provide and care for his children,
or his desire to do so, which is completely false and from
the devil himself.
Still, it can be hard not to worry. But here's to taking
action, one little step at a time, strengthend by the Word and
the Spirit, towards doing that which we know is right, and
giving up more and more of our flesh, putting on more of the
fruits of the Spirit, and trusting God to accomplish these things
in us. Here's to giving up worry and taking up our crosses daily.
Lord, help us.
I've also been thinking a bit about my tendency to lean
towards being "likeable" and being concerned with
being liked. I don't want this tendency to go too far
so that I don't say things that I need to say and
speak up with what is burning in my heart when I'm in
conversations with people who seem not to know Christ
and the way that leads to life. This is something that
must be done in love and at the right time. I suppose
the best thing to do is to continue to ask the Holy
Spirit to guide me and help me not to be a wimp who
is overly concerned with being liked.
I played a new song of mine (written about a friend
back in April, called "What it All Means") at the open
mic at my Lakewood coffee shop last Tuesday. I've also
been swimming more in Lake Eerie, which honestly seems to
get more beautiful, serene, and clean each time I do.
And with the discovery of a new coffee shop with
outdoor seating, and a new park that is massive, with
tons of trails along a beautiful river... well I think
this place is growing on me. I like being a Cleveland
West sider.
I close with some verses pertaining to the importance of
Christian unity. I'm still loving Ephesians.
"Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to
walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you
have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with
patience, showing tolerance for one another in love,
being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the
bond of peace."
--Ephesians 4: 1-3
Thanks so much for reading! It is highly probable that I
really like you. 200 friend points for you for reading!
: )
Friday, August 21, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
I decided it was time for a blog makeover. Also, today I got a haircut. I guess the winds of change are blowing.
I made friends with Lake Eerie on Friday. Yes, it's true, I am brave. It was a nice and surprisingly refreshing swim, despite it being less than perfect in every way. I'll spare you the details, but let's just say there were a few fish, not the living kind, gracing the shore. Yuck. Oh, well. It didn't kill me, and I feel like a real Cleveland girl now. I've been baptized in the infamous waters.
I've been writing in the journal lots lately. Also, reading in Ephesians a lot. I'll write more if I get time later - more reflections and ponderings.
For tonight I will just tell you that the internship is going really well. I've been feeling much refreshed after my vacation to Lawrence and Lincoln to rest up after the Broadmoor camp phase of the internship was completed. Now I'm working with the adult clients and pretty much loving it. The schedule isn't as crazy either, which is nice.
Should be getting to bed. I'm going to pick up Sarah in the morning and go hear preaching by Alistair Begg. Gotta love the Scottish accent. He is a great preacher.
I made friends with the lady that cut my hair, a random lady on a park bench, and had a long conversation with my coffee shop friend, Jerry, the middle aged Jewish man who writes hilarious and bizarre song parodies. And last Friday I got some dinner with my neighbor/friend, Seth. I have multiple friends in Lakewood now!! This is exciting. They're such a random bunch. Seth is a chef at the Ritz Carlton. Good times.
Oh, and things with Jim are going GREAT. He is a really awesome dude, that one. The long distance thing is always less than ideal, but it is well worth it just to be talking to someone that I think the world of. Yeah, it is going well, and I'm
thinking this will continue... Lord willing (and the creek don't rise). It is such a privilege to have someone in your life who you are crazy about and who values you. There is just something about having someone to love, and when that someone happens
to be someone you could see yourself with long term, well, it's really cool and exciting. Thank you, Lord.
God, our times are in your hand. Please give all of your children patience and help us to put our hope and trust in You above all others.
I made friends with Lake Eerie on Friday. Yes, it's true, I am brave. It was a nice and surprisingly refreshing swim, despite it being less than perfect in every way. I'll spare you the details, but let's just say there were a few fish, not the living kind, gracing the shore. Yuck. Oh, well. It didn't kill me, and I feel like a real Cleveland girl now. I've been baptized in the infamous waters.
I've been writing in the journal lots lately. Also, reading in Ephesians a lot. I'll write more if I get time later - more reflections and ponderings.
For tonight I will just tell you that the internship is going really well. I've been feeling much refreshed after my vacation to Lawrence and Lincoln to rest up after the Broadmoor camp phase of the internship was completed. Now I'm working with the adult clients and pretty much loving it. The schedule isn't as crazy either, which is nice.
Should be getting to bed. I'm going to pick up Sarah in the morning and go hear preaching by Alistair Begg. Gotta love the Scottish accent. He is a great preacher.
I made friends with the lady that cut my hair, a random lady on a park bench, and had a long conversation with my coffee shop friend, Jerry, the middle aged Jewish man who writes hilarious and bizarre song parodies. And last Friday I got some dinner with my neighbor/friend, Seth. I have multiple friends in Lakewood now!! This is exciting. They're such a random bunch. Seth is a chef at the Ritz Carlton. Good times.
Oh, and things with Jim are going GREAT. He is a really awesome dude, that one. The long distance thing is always less than ideal, but it is well worth it just to be talking to someone that I think the world of. Yeah, it is going well, and I'm
thinking this will continue... Lord willing (and the creek don't rise). It is such a privilege to have someone in your life who you are crazy about and who values you. There is just something about having someone to love, and when that someone happens
to be someone you could see yourself with long term, well, it's really cool and exciting. Thank you, Lord.
God, our times are in your hand. Please give all of your children patience and help us to put our hope and trust in You above all others.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
This one's for Jim. Also, it was half
written by him. Oh, and get this - he
surprised me this weekend by coming for
a visit! We had an amazing time, from
sushi to poem writing to walking through
Cleveland's West Side Market, which, by
the way, is a cultural paradise for people
like myself who get very excited by food.
Poem #1
Driving across the country
just to show up on my doorstep -
No delivery man could ever take your place.
Spontaneity among our hearts
found us at "The Harp."
We climbed to the top of Cleveland's tower.
Flying further, Mr. Magic made
a glorious mess of music.
Do you know what I saw,
What angels heard
when you smiled
and jumped?
Happiness can haunt a lonely cave
but we are not afraid.
Every couple makes a song that sounds
from out their love's stirring.
We converse in this way, lined in harmony,
strengthened by virtue of our meeting.
The internship continues to go well. I am on a
massive learning curve, but I think that's the general
idea of an internship. I'm really enjoying it and am
so excited to be in the place I am in, wanting and
praying to be used as a vessel, filled by Christ
through His Holy Spirit.
In Christ, both Jew and Gentile (me) are made into
one man, joined together with Christ, and being
made Holy by a God who reached out to us in mercy
even WHILE we were sinners. It is by Grace we have
been saved! (Yes, I am reading Ephesians these days.)
There is a Power like that which raised Christ from
the dead that is accomplishing these things in us,
and is giving us the ministry of reconciliation in
the world. Praise God! The book of Ephesians is
proving to be very faith strengthening. I need it
so much. Faith in God through Christ makes this life
really mean something of value - something that will
live on after my short and fragile (though beautiful)
life is over.
I think part of life's beauty is somehow intertwined
with the fact that it is fleeting, and so fragile. I
can picture it like a rose wet with dew, so vivid and
bright, but quickly becoming pale and wilting, bent by
the rays of the glistening sun that continues on until
her Maker will take her place.
written by him. Oh, and get this - he
surprised me this weekend by coming for
a visit! We had an amazing time, from
sushi to poem writing to walking through
Cleveland's West Side Market, which, by
the way, is a cultural paradise for people
like myself who get very excited by food.
Poem #1
Driving across the country
just to show up on my doorstep -
No delivery man could ever take your place.
Spontaneity among our hearts
found us at "The Harp."
We climbed to the top of Cleveland's tower.
Flying further, Mr. Magic made
a glorious mess of music.
Do you know what I saw,
What angels heard
when you smiled
and jumped?
Happiness can haunt a lonely cave
but we are not afraid.
Every couple makes a song that sounds
from out their love's stirring.
We converse in this way, lined in harmony,
strengthened by virtue of our meeting.
The internship continues to go well. I am on a
massive learning curve, but I think that's the general
idea of an internship. I'm really enjoying it and am
so excited to be in the place I am in, wanting and
praying to be used as a vessel, filled by Christ
through His Holy Spirit.
In Christ, both Jew and Gentile (me) are made into
one man, joined together with Christ, and being
made Holy by a God who reached out to us in mercy
even WHILE we were sinners. It is by Grace we have
been saved! (Yes, I am reading Ephesians these days.)
There is a Power like that which raised Christ from
the dead that is accomplishing these things in us,
and is giving us the ministry of reconciliation in
the world. Praise God! The book of Ephesians is
proving to be very faith strengthening. I need it
so much. Faith in God through Christ makes this life
really mean something of value - something that will
live on after my short and fragile (though beautiful)
life is over.
I think part of life's beauty is somehow intertwined
with the fact that it is fleeting, and so fragile. I
can picture it like a rose wet with dew, so vivid and
bright, but quickly becoming pale and wilting, bent by
the rays of the glistening sun that continues on until
her Maker will take her place.
Monday, July 13, 2009
It's late. Still not quite ready to let this day go.
Blogging is the answer.
I live in Ohio, near the East side of Cleveland. In
my town of Lakewood I have discovered some nice places
to go, such as one lovely park, a few lovely coffee
establishments, one with an open mic night I'm
determined to take advantage of before I leave, one
extravagant library (serious), one perfect middle
eastern restaurant, one delicious grilled cheese
specialty restaurant, and one organic grocery store
that employs people with disabilities (awesome).
I now have the luxury of being able to go to an actual
lake and watch actual waves. It is nice!
Also, ever since I had a certain visitor, my life has
been much improved. What I mean is, Jim, whose
grandfather lives in Cleveland, came for a visit, and
while he was here, he fixed some broken things in my
apartment without my even asking. And he figured out
how to hook my keyboard up to my computer, so now I
can record things using garage band. Before I
couldn't have done this, but now he has helped open
up a much needed door for me.
So check out my myspace page (myspace.com/lisaenns)
for possible new songs to start appearing. So far
I just have one.
So who is Jim you may be asking? Well, we met through
a fine thing known as piano lessons. You see, I used
to teach them in Lawrence, and Jim called me up one
fine day and started taking them from me. Then just
before I moved to Cleveland we started hanging out
outside of the music studio. Now we talk on the
phone. He is an English teacher. That is the deal.
I'm skirting over many details and twists of drama
that you've all come to expect from me, but I just
want to say that life is the funniest thing sometimes!
O.k., I know it's just a Lisa phenomenon in part, but
still... I'm sure several if not most of you know
what I'm talking about.
It's this thing where one day you think one thing and
the next day you feel another and the next the two
things have swapped places... and then you just stop
trying and then you wake up and suddenly everything
you thought you knew you now realize you didn't and
then you just give it up and smile, and then laugh,
and then cry, and then stare at the wall and fall
asleep. Funny, huh? Yeah... life is funny.
Emotions and logic like to war inside my funny little
brain. In the end, I hope they both kill each other.
Neither one is to be trusted. But that might be a
little extreme. Perhaps they should learn to get
along better. We've been working on that for quite
some time. I think we're getting somewhere with it,
but mostly it's just that God is merciful and He helps
me to not totally go insane. But a little insane is
acceptable from time to time... at least in my book. : )
By the way, the internship is going well. The month
of July is turning out to be just as crazy as
anticipated, but I'm enjoying it. The kids with
autism definitely keep life interesting and I'm
looking forward to starting to work with the adult
clients as well this week. It's going to be busy!
But it is seriously so much fun most of the time and I
can't believe I get to do what I'm doing. Yeah for music!
It is my prayer that I will be in Christ as I serve in
this way and will impact these dear children of God with
a love that did not originate with me, but with Him.
Friend, I hope you are having a nice summer and are going
to church. I am a big fan of church. I went to a small
group study for the first time at my new church, and it
was great. I'm starting to make friends at this huge
church called Parkside. I really enjoy Alistair Begg's
preaching. It's worth the long drive once a week.
Thanks for reading! God is completely powerful, merciful
and good. This gives me hope and joy. Goodnight.
Blogging is the answer.
I live in Ohio, near the East side of Cleveland. In
my town of Lakewood I have discovered some nice places
to go, such as one lovely park, a few lovely coffee
establishments, one with an open mic night I'm
determined to take advantage of before I leave, one
extravagant library (serious), one perfect middle
eastern restaurant, one delicious grilled cheese
specialty restaurant, and one organic grocery store
that employs people with disabilities (awesome).
I now have the luxury of being able to go to an actual
lake and watch actual waves. It is nice!
Also, ever since I had a certain visitor, my life has
been much improved. What I mean is, Jim, whose
grandfather lives in Cleveland, came for a visit, and
while he was here, he fixed some broken things in my
apartment without my even asking. And he figured out
how to hook my keyboard up to my computer, so now I
can record things using garage band. Before I
couldn't have done this, but now he has helped open
up a much needed door for me.
So check out my myspace page (myspace.com/lisaenns)
for possible new songs to start appearing. So far
I just have one.
So who is Jim you may be asking? Well, we met through
a fine thing known as piano lessons. You see, I used
to teach them in Lawrence, and Jim called me up one
fine day and started taking them from me. Then just
before I moved to Cleveland we started hanging out
outside of the music studio. Now we talk on the
phone. He is an English teacher. That is the deal.
I'm skirting over many details and twists of drama
that you've all come to expect from me, but I just
want to say that life is the funniest thing sometimes!
O.k., I know it's just a Lisa phenomenon in part, but
still... I'm sure several if not most of you know
what I'm talking about.
It's this thing where one day you think one thing and
the next day you feel another and the next the two
things have swapped places... and then you just stop
trying and then you wake up and suddenly everything
you thought you knew you now realize you didn't and
then you just give it up and smile, and then laugh,
and then cry, and then stare at the wall and fall
asleep. Funny, huh? Yeah... life is funny.
Emotions and logic like to war inside my funny little
brain. In the end, I hope they both kill each other.
Neither one is to be trusted. But that might be a
little extreme. Perhaps they should learn to get
along better. We've been working on that for quite
some time. I think we're getting somewhere with it,
but mostly it's just that God is merciful and He helps
me to not totally go insane. But a little insane is
acceptable from time to time... at least in my book. : )
By the way, the internship is going well. The month
of July is turning out to be just as crazy as
anticipated, but I'm enjoying it. The kids with
autism definitely keep life interesting and I'm
looking forward to starting to work with the adult
clients as well this week. It's going to be busy!
But it is seriously so much fun most of the time and I
can't believe I get to do what I'm doing. Yeah for music!
It is my prayer that I will be in Christ as I serve in
this way and will impact these dear children of God with
a love that did not originate with me, but with Him.
Friend, I hope you are having a nice summer and are going
to church. I am a big fan of church. I went to a small
group study for the first time at my new church, and it
was great. I'm starting to make friends at this huge
church called Parkside. I really enjoy Alistair Begg's
preaching. It's worth the long drive once a week.
Thanks for reading! God is completely powerful, merciful
and good. This gives me hope and joy. Goodnight.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
I only have a few weeks left in this town before
I uproot and move to a big city I've never set
foot in before. How are you, friend? Are you
experiencing any transitions? They are a big
part of life for everyone it seems.
But I am feeling optimistic and excited about it.
I am feeling incredibly blessed to have had the
opportunity to live in this town and study Music
Therapy over the past four years and get to know
and invest in so many wonderful people. I am
overwhelmed with wonder to realize that I will
be missed. Maybe that's strange to say, but
there's just something about realizing that your
life matters to real people to make you feel small
and overly blessed.
I had my last piano lessons with two sisters I have
been teaching for almost 3 years. Those girls have
become like little sisters to me. I'm taking them
out for ice cream on Tuesday and I can't wait. I
went to a movie with Kristi and Naomi last night and
it was a great time, as always with those girls. I
will miss them so much.
Who will I meet in Cleveland? What will it be like?
How long until I will feel comfotrable there? Will it
be more exciting or scary?
"But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal
procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere
the fragrance of the knowledge of him. For we are to
God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved
and those who are perishing."
--2 Corinthians 1:14
I uproot and move to a big city I've never set
foot in before. How are you, friend? Are you
experiencing any transitions? They are a big
part of life for everyone it seems.
But I am feeling optimistic and excited about it.
I am feeling incredibly blessed to have had the
opportunity to live in this town and study Music
Therapy over the past four years and get to know
and invest in so many wonderful people. I am
overwhelmed with wonder to realize that I will
be missed. Maybe that's strange to say, but
there's just something about realizing that your
life matters to real people to make you feel small
and overly blessed.
I had my last piano lessons with two sisters I have
been teaching for almost 3 years. Those girls have
become like little sisters to me. I'm taking them
out for ice cream on Tuesday and I can't wait. I
went to a movie with Kristi and Naomi last night and
it was a great time, as always with those girls. I
will miss them so much.
Who will I meet in Cleveland? What will it be like?
How long until I will feel comfotrable there? Will it
be more exciting or scary?
"But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal
procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere
the fragrance of the knowledge of him. For we are to
God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved
and those who are perishing."
--2 Corinthians 1:14
Monday, April 13, 2009
On Good Friday there was a group of Catholic students
who put on a live demonstration of the stations of the
cross. I saw 13 and 14 while I waited for my bus and
talked to a lady standing there. What an unusual sight
to see in the middle of campus. It was a bit surreal,
and such a sober reminder of all that was suffered
and all that was accomplished.
On Saturday I went to an Easter Vigil service that my
friend Kate invited me to. It was at a house on Mass.
Street and there were candles and Scripture readings
and songs accompanied on guitars and mandolin... and it
was a beautiful time of remembrance. "He has done great
things for us" seemed to be the theme of the night.
I took a walk this afternoon in the cold rain and I
prayed and I cried - good tears. And, because of the rain,
I didn't have to worry about anyone noticing (yes, songs
have been written about this phenomenon...) The tears
were because God is so good. I only want to know Him
more and understand how much He loves us so that I will
never complain, realizing all that He sacrificed on the cross,
and how he conquered death.
If He died for me in such a way, why do I complain
about the little discomforts, or even the big ones,
I may feel from time to time? He deserves my love
and my all. I'm so glad that He is both my King and
my friend. Is it possible, that He considers me a
friend and not just a lowly, sinful servant? That is
what I often feel like, but a friend of mine reminded
me today that we are also considered His friend,
because of Christ.
"Lord, help me to know You, to be more giving in my heart,
and to be convicted when I next begin to complain about
discomfort. Remind me that because of Your work on the
cross, any suffering You allow in my life will be for my
benefit, and will not be worth comparing to the glory that
will be revealed."
Happy belated Easter!
who put on a live demonstration of the stations of the
cross. I saw 13 and 14 while I waited for my bus and
talked to a lady standing there. What an unusual sight
to see in the middle of campus. It was a bit surreal,
and such a sober reminder of all that was suffered
and all that was accomplished.
On Saturday I went to an Easter Vigil service that my
friend Kate invited me to. It was at a house on Mass.
Street and there were candles and Scripture readings
and songs accompanied on guitars and mandolin... and it
was a beautiful time of remembrance. "He has done great
things for us" seemed to be the theme of the night.
I took a walk this afternoon in the cold rain and I
prayed and I cried - good tears. And, because of the rain,
I didn't have to worry about anyone noticing (yes, songs
have been written about this phenomenon...) The tears
were because God is so good. I only want to know Him
more and understand how much He loves us so that I will
never complain, realizing all that He sacrificed on the cross,
and how he conquered death.
If He died for me in such a way, why do I complain
about the little discomforts, or even the big ones,
I may feel from time to time? He deserves my love
and my all. I'm so glad that He is both my King and
my friend. Is it possible, that He considers me a
friend and not just a lowly, sinful servant? That is
what I often feel like, but a friend of mine reminded
me today that we are also considered His friend,
because of Christ.
"Lord, help me to know You, to be more giving in my heart,
and to be convicted when I next begin to complain about
discomfort. Remind me that because of Your work on the
cross, any suffering You allow in my life will be for my
benefit, and will not be worth comparing to the glory that
will be revealed."
Happy belated Easter!
Monday, March 16, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
Preface: I'm not going crazy
Warning: This could be lengthy
Synthesis: I'm trying to synthesize all that I know.
Speculate: There is still so much I don't know.
Absolute: The words of Scripture are written in permanent
ink on my soul.
Emotions: I know not to trust the ones that fade and fade
as I draw closer to the Light.
Time: Things have a way of figuring themselves out with
a little time and lots of prayer.
Action: But sometimes you can't even know the motives of
your own heart until you act on what is in your heart,
even if you're not sure if what you're acting on is true
or just another something that fades.
Love: Every chance to give and to receive love is valuable.
Some of these chances flourish and bloom into something
that brings you so much beauty you want it to last forever,
and maybe it does, maybe it doesn't, maybe it just doesn't
here on this earth. Other times, you give or receive love,
but it only lasts a short while. But even in that short
while, it may add something valuable to your life. Or it
may just be another lesson learned. Still... these life
lessons are valuable experiences.
What am I saying? That nothing is ever certain and the
lines of right and wrong are so blurry they might as well
be puddles of gray? No.
There is black and there is white.
But it isn't always obvious or clear. Sometimes the truth
of a matter is hidden away inside the murky depths of the
human heart, not visible to the human eye.
The Spirit discerns truth. Sometimes it is obvious to a
Christian, or a non-Christian, the rightness or wrongness.
But sometimes.. you just have to make the best decision
you know how to make, remaining in Him, in His Word, and in
fellowship with other believers.
Friends, I've got a case of the lonelies. It's not horrible,
it's not traumatic, it just kind of is a bummer. There. I
said it. I feel better already.
I guess after so much relationship after relationship, I kind
of just expected that I would be alone for like two seconds,
and then "the perfect man" would appear and say, "Here I am,"
and then everything would make sense and I wouldn't have to
go through the whole "Blah, another day of singleness," feeling
when you wake up in the morning.
But this is totally what I signed up for. And I am not bitter,
not angry, not overly depressed, not cynical, not mad, not
even ticked off at anybody. Not a soul! I know the world
does not owe me happiness. I know life can be like this. I
know I have been loved and have loved deeply, and I can never
forget the benefit that these chances at love have been to my
soul and to my concept of myself and what I have to offer, and
what it feels like to be loved and given so much so freely.
And I know that.. in reality, it has been me who has given up.
I have had chances at the kind of love that leads to marriage.
But when things got hard or uncomfortable or less then ideal
seeming, and it became clear that they wouldn't un get that
way with a few words and the warmth of affection... I opted
out. Of course, I happen to be the Queen of trying again, so
my opting out has probably lost some of its impact. But I
hope that is a good thing in the end.
I feel like it's better to know more why something didn't
work out then to wonder, "what if we tried again?" But in
the end, until you get married, that question always looms
a little over your head, in some cases more then others.
But people change. I believe God can mold hearts and heal
divisions. But when you've got a case of the lonelies (when
you're single, and human like me) it becomes very tempting
to re-write stories in your head that in reality, will
always have the same ending. But how do you know the
difference? How do you know when to silence the memories,
the voices? When do you act and when do you sit back and
try to trust that there is a plan at work that you can't see?
The thing I am after is something lofty, I recognize. I'm
not looking for someone I can live with, could tolerate, mostly.
I'm not looking for a life of constant conflict, tension, and
occasional service. I'm looking for love so deep, like I have
known, but with less tension, less conflict inside my soul, and
where service, both to each other, and to the world through
Christ, is a daily occurrence, from both parties. Does that
make sense? Does that sound overly demanding, idealistic?
I know relationships are work. I'm not looking for something
easy. I'm not looking for zero conflict, zero tension, and
some kind of unrealistic constant euphoria and spiritual bubble
where nothing "bad" ever gets through, or a man who has been
shielded from everything that could harm or hinder a person in
this world. But I am looking for someone who is on the road
to Life, and who is able to help me along that road as I help
and encourage him. I am looking for someone who knows how to
first care for his own needs, and out of an overflow of his
heart, wants to care for the needs of others, and actively
does this with the people in his life.
I'm looking for someone who lives the truth that it is more
blessed to give then to receive, and in a way that my soul
understands. What does that mean? I'm not completely sure.
It's not a science. It involves communication, sincerity,
emotion, strength, stability, creativity and thoughtfulness.
It involves a lack of taxing my limited ability to take in
stimuli, which involves sensitivity. It involves the wisdom
to know when to stand firm and to lead, and when to step
back and let go. It involves security, boundaries, and
freedom. It involves an absence of fear that leads to
clinging.
Is that so much to ask? Maybe it is. Maybe I'm painting
myself into an isolated corner. Or maybe I'm holding out
for something beautiful, and it is a true hope that will not
disappoint. I'm willing, as always, to be wrong. But I'm
not yet convinced that I am. I'm standing here, alone, in
the corner, surrounded by wet paint. It kind of stinks
over here. Is anyone going to come rescue me? God?
Anyone? SOMEBODY?!
No? Oh, o.k. Hmmm.... well, look, I have a Bible here.
It says that I am created for eternity. Eternity? Really?
That long? Oh, God, you must have something wonderful
planned for it to last that long and just keep on lasting
and lasting and lasting.... !! I can't comprehend. But
I trust You. Father, Savior, Creator of all good things,
Friend, Lover of my soul, the Good Shepherd, the Vine, the
Living Water, the Bread of Life, the Lamb That Was Slain...
I love you. And not only You, I love Your children. Thank
you for the love that you have shown me through so many of
your children as we have tried to help each other on towards
you.
Please, continue to teach me, to guide me. I am weak, I am
strong, I am wise, I am foolish, I am anxious, I am trusting,
I am worried, I am resting, I am nothing, I am your beloved
child, I am passing away, I am surviving to eternity.
Because of Jesus, I am made perfect. Thank you so much for
this Grace!! Please, please, help me to live a life worthy
of the gospel of Christ. I need so much help. Help us all,
dear God.
I cried last night at my keyboard. The notes brought forth
the tears that I needed to cry but was so scared to cry. I
don't know what I'm so afraid of, but I'm starting to deal
with it. I think I'm afraid of growing and of whatever it
is that is ahead. I have no idea what Cleveland will be like.
I won't know anyone really, not at first. Will I be so lonely?
Will I feel stuck and full of regret? How do I go forward
from here? Do I deserve to ever be so so happy as I imagine
being? How can I capture joy and keep it in my soul? Oh,
I want to know Christ. I want to see Him more clearly, to
taste His Goodness and know what it means to live unto Him.
To this end I labor, struggling with all His energy...
In more happy, less introspective rambling news...
I went to Teapouro last night, and I'm a convert! They have
like 100 different kinds of fresh teas that are incredible!
And they serve it to you in this adorable little teapot if
you get the two cup option, and it is so good for the soul.
I hope Cleveland has good places to get tea.
Person reading this, whoever you are, please just keep
pressing forward in knowing Him. Don't get too hung up
or distracted by things that fade. Fix your eyes on Him
and let it all fall into place. And don't be afraid.
There is nothing in this world to fear. Cast all your
cares upon Him. He will answer and guide you.
He answered my desperate plea the other night when I thought
my computer was going to crash. It has been acting up and
so I am blogging at the KU music library. But I was able
to buy and external hard drive and back up my files, so I
am SO relieved!! Praise God! It was such a time of prayer
for me. I mean, how awful to lose all of my pictures, songs,
and documents from grad. school! It would have been very
sad. But I know He is faithful, no matter what. Thank God
that He saw fit to allow me to save those pieces of my life.
Be blessed today dear friend. Being single has allowed me
a deeper feeling of connection to the world in general, and
especially those who belong to His body of believers. We are
all one, and the sufferings and struggles of the one are taken
up by the others. And if I struggle, I know that you too have
struggled, and we are all in this together. God bless anyone
who has read this whole convoluted post! I love you! : )
(Seriously, I'm not going crazy. And I really do love you.)
Warning: This could be lengthy
Synthesis: I'm trying to synthesize all that I know.
Speculate: There is still so much I don't know.
Absolute: The words of Scripture are written in permanent
ink on my soul.
Emotions: I know not to trust the ones that fade and fade
as I draw closer to the Light.
Time: Things have a way of figuring themselves out with
a little time and lots of prayer.
Action: But sometimes you can't even know the motives of
your own heart until you act on what is in your heart,
even if you're not sure if what you're acting on is true
or just another something that fades.
Love: Every chance to give and to receive love is valuable.
Some of these chances flourish and bloom into something
that brings you so much beauty you want it to last forever,
and maybe it does, maybe it doesn't, maybe it just doesn't
here on this earth. Other times, you give or receive love,
but it only lasts a short while. But even in that short
while, it may add something valuable to your life. Or it
may just be another lesson learned. Still... these life
lessons are valuable experiences.
What am I saying? That nothing is ever certain and the
lines of right and wrong are so blurry they might as well
be puddles of gray? No.
There is black and there is white.
But it isn't always obvious or clear. Sometimes the truth
of a matter is hidden away inside the murky depths of the
human heart, not visible to the human eye.
The Spirit discerns truth. Sometimes it is obvious to a
Christian, or a non-Christian, the rightness or wrongness.
But sometimes.. you just have to make the best decision
you know how to make, remaining in Him, in His Word, and in
fellowship with other believers.
Friends, I've got a case of the lonelies. It's not horrible,
it's not traumatic, it just kind of is a bummer. There. I
said it. I feel better already.
I guess after so much relationship after relationship, I kind
of just expected that I would be alone for like two seconds,
and then "the perfect man" would appear and say, "Here I am,"
and then everything would make sense and I wouldn't have to
go through the whole "Blah, another day of singleness," feeling
when you wake up in the morning.
But this is totally what I signed up for. And I am not bitter,
not angry, not overly depressed, not cynical, not mad, not
even ticked off at anybody. Not a soul! I know the world
does not owe me happiness. I know life can be like this. I
know I have been loved and have loved deeply, and I can never
forget the benefit that these chances at love have been to my
soul and to my concept of myself and what I have to offer, and
what it feels like to be loved and given so much so freely.
And I know that.. in reality, it has been me who has given up.
I have had chances at the kind of love that leads to marriage.
But when things got hard or uncomfortable or less then ideal
seeming, and it became clear that they wouldn't un get that
way with a few words and the warmth of affection... I opted
out. Of course, I happen to be the Queen of trying again, so
my opting out has probably lost some of its impact. But I
hope that is a good thing in the end.
I feel like it's better to know more why something didn't
work out then to wonder, "what if we tried again?" But in
the end, until you get married, that question always looms
a little over your head, in some cases more then others.
But people change. I believe God can mold hearts and heal
divisions. But when you've got a case of the lonelies (when
you're single, and human like me) it becomes very tempting
to re-write stories in your head that in reality, will
always have the same ending. But how do you know the
difference? How do you know when to silence the memories,
the voices? When do you act and when do you sit back and
try to trust that there is a plan at work that you can't see?
The thing I am after is something lofty, I recognize. I'm
not looking for someone I can live with, could tolerate, mostly.
I'm not looking for a life of constant conflict, tension, and
occasional service. I'm looking for love so deep, like I have
known, but with less tension, less conflict inside my soul, and
where service, both to each other, and to the world through
Christ, is a daily occurrence, from both parties. Does that
make sense? Does that sound overly demanding, idealistic?
I know relationships are work. I'm not looking for something
easy. I'm not looking for zero conflict, zero tension, and
some kind of unrealistic constant euphoria and spiritual bubble
where nothing "bad" ever gets through, or a man who has been
shielded from everything that could harm or hinder a person in
this world. But I am looking for someone who is on the road
to Life, and who is able to help me along that road as I help
and encourage him. I am looking for someone who knows how to
first care for his own needs, and out of an overflow of his
heart, wants to care for the needs of others, and actively
does this with the people in his life.
I'm looking for someone who lives the truth that it is more
blessed to give then to receive, and in a way that my soul
understands. What does that mean? I'm not completely sure.
It's not a science. It involves communication, sincerity,
emotion, strength, stability, creativity and thoughtfulness.
It involves a lack of taxing my limited ability to take in
stimuli, which involves sensitivity. It involves the wisdom
to know when to stand firm and to lead, and when to step
back and let go. It involves security, boundaries, and
freedom. It involves an absence of fear that leads to
clinging.
Is that so much to ask? Maybe it is. Maybe I'm painting
myself into an isolated corner. Or maybe I'm holding out
for something beautiful, and it is a true hope that will not
disappoint. I'm willing, as always, to be wrong. But I'm
not yet convinced that I am. I'm standing here, alone, in
the corner, surrounded by wet paint. It kind of stinks
over here. Is anyone going to come rescue me? God?
Anyone? SOMEBODY?!
No? Oh, o.k. Hmmm.... well, look, I have a Bible here.
It says that I am created for eternity. Eternity? Really?
That long? Oh, God, you must have something wonderful
planned for it to last that long and just keep on lasting
and lasting and lasting.... !! I can't comprehend. But
I trust You. Father, Savior, Creator of all good things,
Friend, Lover of my soul, the Good Shepherd, the Vine, the
Living Water, the Bread of Life, the Lamb That Was Slain...
I love you. And not only You, I love Your children. Thank
you for the love that you have shown me through so many of
your children as we have tried to help each other on towards
you.
Please, continue to teach me, to guide me. I am weak, I am
strong, I am wise, I am foolish, I am anxious, I am trusting,
I am worried, I am resting, I am nothing, I am your beloved
child, I am passing away, I am surviving to eternity.
Because of Jesus, I am made perfect. Thank you so much for
this Grace!! Please, please, help me to live a life worthy
of the gospel of Christ. I need so much help. Help us all,
dear God.
I cried last night at my keyboard. The notes brought forth
the tears that I needed to cry but was so scared to cry. I
don't know what I'm so afraid of, but I'm starting to deal
with it. I think I'm afraid of growing and of whatever it
is that is ahead. I have no idea what Cleveland will be like.
I won't know anyone really, not at first. Will I be so lonely?
Will I feel stuck and full of regret? How do I go forward
from here? Do I deserve to ever be so so happy as I imagine
being? How can I capture joy and keep it in my soul? Oh,
I want to know Christ. I want to see Him more clearly, to
taste His Goodness and know what it means to live unto Him.
To this end I labor, struggling with all His energy...
In more happy, less introspective rambling news...
I went to Teapouro last night, and I'm a convert! They have
like 100 different kinds of fresh teas that are incredible!
And they serve it to you in this adorable little teapot if
you get the two cup option, and it is so good for the soul.
I hope Cleveland has good places to get tea.
Person reading this, whoever you are, please just keep
pressing forward in knowing Him. Don't get too hung up
or distracted by things that fade. Fix your eyes on Him
and let it all fall into place. And don't be afraid.
There is nothing in this world to fear. Cast all your
cares upon Him. He will answer and guide you.
He answered my desperate plea the other night when I thought
my computer was going to crash. It has been acting up and
so I am blogging at the KU music library. But I was able
to buy and external hard drive and back up my files, so I
am SO relieved!! Praise God! It was such a time of prayer
for me. I mean, how awful to lose all of my pictures, songs,
and documents from grad. school! It would have been very
sad. But I know He is faithful, no matter what. Thank God
that He saw fit to allow me to save those pieces of my life.
Be blessed today dear friend. Being single has allowed me
a deeper feeling of connection to the world in general, and
especially those who belong to His body of believers. We are
all one, and the sufferings and struggles of the one are taken
up by the others. And if I struggle, I know that you too have
struggled, and we are all in this together. God bless anyone
who has read this whole convoluted post! I love you! : )
(Seriously, I'm not going crazy. And I really do love you.)
Friday, February 20, 2009
I wrote a really dramatic, despondent post.
Don't worry - there was Light at the end.
Then I erased it and posted this.
Today was hard, especially tonight.
It's hard to not have someone you can make
happy. It's confusing to not understand
why you're alone, and not want to be, but
also not wanting to be otherwise.
In sum.... uh... life? What are you doing?
Did I sign up for this?
Oh, and I'm going to Cleveland in June? Oh,
o.k. What? Yeah, I guess that's what I want.
Yeah, I am excited about it....
So what about being 26 and single? Really?
Oh, yeah, I guess this is what I want for now.
Yeah, I guess...
Yeah. This is where I am. So this is where
You have led me, and where You are. So this
is where I want to be. Please help. Thank you.
Oh, good. You are here. *Sigh*
I think I'll go to sleep then.
In the morning there will be Light and I will
read Your Word and hear Your voice and will
again ask Your Spirit to guide me.
Maralee, and everyone else who happens upon this
post, I sing for you tonight, "My Sisters Return
From Ireland" by The Innocence Mission.
"What did you see?
When, walking down bridges, did you come
into cloud light at sea,
green fields forever,
kindness of strangers,
tracing the old streets, tracing the names?
If somebody calls to me
I'm hoping to not fear, not fear to answer.
How will it be?"
There is something in the tune of this song that
haunts me... in the best way possible.
Don't worry - there was Light at the end.
Then I erased it and posted this.
Today was hard, especially tonight.
It's hard to not have someone you can make
happy. It's confusing to not understand
why you're alone, and not want to be, but
also not wanting to be otherwise.
In sum.... uh... life? What are you doing?
Did I sign up for this?
Oh, and I'm going to Cleveland in June? Oh,
o.k. What? Yeah, I guess that's what I want.
Yeah, I am excited about it....
So what about being 26 and single? Really?
Oh, yeah, I guess this is what I want for now.
Yeah, I guess...
Yeah. This is where I am. So this is where
You have led me, and where You are. So this
is where I want to be. Please help. Thank you.
Oh, good. You are here. *Sigh*
I think I'll go to sleep then.
In the morning there will be Light and I will
read Your Word and hear Your voice and will
again ask Your Spirit to guide me.
Maralee, and everyone else who happens upon this
post, I sing for you tonight, "My Sisters Return
From Ireland" by The Innocence Mission.
"What did you see?
When, walking down bridges, did you come
into cloud light at sea,
green fields forever,
kindness of strangers,
tracing the old streets, tracing the names?
If somebody calls to me
I'm hoping to not fear, not fear to answer.
How will it be?"
There is something in the tune of this song that
haunts me... in the best way possible.
Friday, January 30, 2009
I'm playing a show at "Signs of Life" (722 Massachusetts
St.) in Lawrence on February 13 from 8-10 pm. All are
welcome. I especially like for people to come if they
want to. : ) There's my plug. Oh, and if you come,
you should be prepared to offer a musical selection
because I don't like to be the only one who is bearing
her soul.
In other news, I may be interning in Cleveland, OH, at
a facility that works with adults with developmental
disability and kids with autism. It's not for sure
yet, but I'm so excited about the possibility! You
can youtube my name if you want a laugh. They had
me upload a video to show my guitar and piano skills.
It's pretty classic Lisa semi-awkward, so be prepared.
I am a youtube star. Wow, that's kind of sad to write.
Haha, well maybe not so much since only two people have
viewed the video. haha.
Guess what, friends? I am single. Solidly single.
I'm not dating anyone. And it is good! I don't want
to "fix" it. It isn't broken. It is whole. I plan on
soaking in the beauty of being o.k. with just being me.
And when (not if, mind you) I feel lonely, I will call
on Jesus, and He will teach me things and remind me
that relationships are a blessing only when they are
from Him, and He has led me to a place of needing some
time alone, relying on Him alone. This is where I need
to be. This is my time to heel from frustration and
disillusionment, with myself, with life, with confusion.
I had a busy last week. Also a forgetful week. I think
I was so focused on the internship stuff that my brain
couldn't hold in a few important things, such as a few
piano lessons and such. Yikes! Thank goodness for
gracious people. I hope next week is a little more
restful. I don't enjoy feeling frantic. The semester
is going well though.
I've written about three songs in the past month or so,
and I'm happy with the direction my songwriting is going.
The songs are much more focused on God and the things I've
been feeding on in the Gospels then they are about life
drama these days. I think 26 may be my year to start
mellowing out a bit. I could be wrong, but I think the
drama will gradually fade out. What will be at the end
of it all I do not know, nor do I want to. He knows. I
am content with whatever He decides. Honestly, I've never
meant that more then I do right now. I'm sure I will
struggle with it more... but for now... I am thankful for
life and breath, the Word, the Body of Christ, the
Counselor, and that Jesus and the Father are one, and I
am one with Christ. What could be more enrapturing?
Thank you for the opportunity of this life, my Lord.
You are Holy. You are preparing a place for me. I love
you.
How are you??? Seriously, I would love to know! O.k.,
I'll check your blog. : ) Blurg, blog, blarg. Those
words are fun to say.
Post things in your blogs. If you don't have one,
you should write me a long comment about what you did
this week.
Love you.
St.) in Lawrence on February 13 from 8-10 pm. All are
welcome. I especially like for people to come if they
want to. : ) There's my plug. Oh, and if you come,
you should be prepared to offer a musical selection
because I don't like to be the only one who is bearing
her soul.
In other news, I may be interning in Cleveland, OH, at
a facility that works with adults with developmental
disability and kids with autism. It's not for sure
yet, but I'm so excited about the possibility! You
can youtube my name if you want a laugh. They had
me upload a video to show my guitar and piano skills.
It's pretty classic Lisa semi-awkward, so be prepared.
I am a youtube star. Wow, that's kind of sad to write.
Haha, well maybe not so much since only two people have
viewed the video. haha.
Guess what, friends? I am single. Solidly single.
I'm not dating anyone. And it is good! I don't want
to "fix" it. It isn't broken. It is whole. I plan on
soaking in the beauty of being o.k. with just being me.
And when (not if, mind you) I feel lonely, I will call
on Jesus, and He will teach me things and remind me
that relationships are a blessing only when they are
from Him, and He has led me to a place of needing some
time alone, relying on Him alone. This is where I need
to be. This is my time to heel from frustration and
disillusionment, with myself, with life, with confusion.
I had a busy last week. Also a forgetful week. I think
I was so focused on the internship stuff that my brain
couldn't hold in a few important things, such as a few
piano lessons and such. Yikes! Thank goodness for
gracious people. I hope next week is a little more
restful. I don't enjoy feeling frantic. The semester
is going well though.
I've written about three songs in the past month or so,
and I'm happy with the direction my songwriting is going.
The songs are much more focused on God and the things I've
been feeding on in the Gospels then they are about life
drama these days. I think 26 may be my year to start
mellowing out a bit. I could be wrong, but I think the
drama will gradually fade out. What will be at the end
of it all I do not know, nor do I want to. He knows. I
am content with whatever He decides. Honestly, I've never
meant that more then I do right now. I'm sure I will
struggle with it more... but for now... I am thankful for
life and breath, the Word, the Body of Christ, the
Counselor, and that Jesus and the Father are one, and I
am one with Christ. What could be more enrapturing?
Thank you for the opportunity of this life, my Lord.
You are Holy. You are preparing a place for me. I love
you.
How are you??? Seriously, I would love to know! O.k.,
I'll check your blog. : ) Blurg, blog, blarg. Those
words are fun to say.
Post things in your blogs. If you don't have one,
you should write me a long comment about what you did
this week.
Love you.
Friday, January 09, 2009
Hi, blogface.
Guess what? It's 2009 and I'm feeling fine...
well today anyways. Yesterday was a little wonky
and parts of Christmas break were hard, but mostly
everything has been really good. Ultimately, I am
confident that God is and will continue to guide.
Today I got a massage. It was excellent and I
recommend it to all who have untreated stress or if
you did lots of traveling like me over the break.
Man, I did a lot of traveling. Up to Lincoln, down
to Lawrence, out to Ohio, back to KC, then attempted
to go back to Lincoln but took the wrong highway and
ended up going towards Des Moines and then over to
Lincoln, and then finally, back to Lawrence. The
Ohio trip with John was a flight, the rest driving.
So I got a C in Anatomy and A's in ANOVA and Practicum.
I am happy with this.
Over the break John and I had a lot of time together, in
all kinds of different situations, such as missing our
early flight (mostly my fault) and waiting around in the
airport (which actually ended up being not so bad, even
with the cheesy holiday music... you see, we danced a bit
so it was fun). I thought that after all these things it
would be dreadfully clear if we were meant to be or not.
Turns out it was still fuzzy.
We had so many great moments, like singing "God Rest Ye
Merry Gentlemen" and opening presents in Lincoln, and a
peaceful afternoon at the Conservatory in Columbus (beautiful)
and such a great time with John's friend, his wife and their
five kids. I will treasure these and so many other memories.
I think when you date a lot of different people in a mostly
unbroken string for several years, there comes a point at
which you just need to stop and evaluate why you're doing
what you're doing and try to remember how to go through a
couple of days without talking to a boyfriend type and just
talk with God and let your thoughts be what they will be.
It hasn't and it won't always be easy, but I think I need to
enter a phase where I don't report to a boyfriend everyday
about how I'm doing and etc. and rely on him for affirmation
and such, but instead give my thoughts a little more room
to grow. I hope that makes sense and isn't just an excuse
for Lisa to once again steer away from commitment. I don't
think that's what it is though. I just need some time to
grow individually right now.
John has been amazing through my shifting. He is undoubtedly
a true friend and someone whose kindness I could never repay.
I hope he knows what a treasure I found when we were matched
up that fateful day almost two years ago. Where would my life
be without you Dr. Warren? haha.
Had some good times with Renee and Abby (finally together again!)
as well. Songs were played and in depth, real conversations
were had. Carmen lives on (inside joke...sorry).
Also soaked in TONS of adorableness from nephews Alex, his new
adopted brother Alex Matthew, and Josh (the one from Liberia).
MAN, they may not share any of my blood, but they still manage
to be the cutest kids ever, haha. Seriously, they are great
kids and Mae, Mark, Maralee and Brian are doing great jobs
raising them to be good kids.
I gained a new appreciation for Barnes & Noble this break. I
think it's a great way to spend some quality time with friends
to peruse some books, bring a few to a table and share a
gingersnap latte. GREAT! Did anyone else get one of those
gift card boxes from them with the Godiva chocolates? Nice idea.
I fail at transitions. Here is the spiritual portion of my post.
"We do not know what God is after, but we have to maintain our
relationship with Him whatever happens. We must never allow
anything to injure our relationship with God; if it does get
injured we must take time and get it put right. The main thing
about Christianity is not the work we do, but the relationship we
maintain and the atmosphere produced by that relationship. That
is all God asks us to look after, and it is the one thing that is
being continually assailed."
--Oswald Chambers
"The main reasons for living are: bringing glory to God (He deserves
it) and for the sake of tending and caring for His sheep.
Everything else should just a by-product of these things."
"God will accomplish the perfecting of our inner man by the power
(similar to the effect of fire) of the Holy Spirit. All we must
do is surrender to Him completely and believe in Him."
--my friend Jeff
I find the thought of surrender especially encouraging these days.
It really is that simple. We don't have to do anything to earn
God's favor, we simply must realize our own poverty, trust Him,
and allow Him to do His work in us. This surrendering is not
easy initially, but it brings the kind of rest our souls long for,
a Sabbath rest from our worries, fears, and even our doubts.
I hope we can all claim that rest and that this year we will realize
that there is nothing for us to claim or cling to except the saving
blood of the Lamb of God. Friend, it is my prayer that you will
surrender to Him and give up your striving in your flesh, by your
own power. He will accomplish His will for you if you focus on
nothing more then keeping a right relationship with Him. Lord, help
us, help me, to hear your voice and to follow only you.
How are you? Thanks for reading.
Guess what? It's 2009 and I'm feeling fine...
well today anyways. Yesterday was a little wonky
and parts of Christmas break were hard, but mostly
everything has been really good. Ultimately, I am
confident that God is and will continue to guide.
Today I got a massage. It was excellent and I
recommend it to all who have untreated stress or if
you did lots of traveling like me over the break.
Man, I did a lot of traveling. Up to Lincoln, down
to Lawrence, out to Ohio, back to KC, then attempted
to go back to Lincoln but took the wrong highway and
ended up going towards Des Moines and then over to
Lincoln, and then finally, back to Lawrence. The
Ohio trip with John was a flight, the rest driving.
So I got a C in Anatomy and A's in ANOVA and Practicum.
I am happy with this.
Over the break John and I had a lot of time together, in
all kinds of different situations, such as missing our
early flight (mostly my fault) and waiting around in the
airport (which actually ended up being not so bad, even
with the cheesy holiday music... you see, we danced a bit
so it was fun). I thought that after all these things it
would be dreadfully clear if we were meant to be or not.
Turns out it was still fuzzy.
We had so many great moments, like singing "God Rest Ye
Merry Gentlemen" and opening presents in Lincoln, and a
peaceful afternoon at the Conservatory in Columbus (beautiful)
and such a great time with John's friend, his wife and their
five kids. I will treasure these and so many other memories.
I think when you date a lot of different people in a mostly
unbroken string for several years, there comes a point at
which you just need to stop and evaluate why you're doing
what you're doing and try to remember how to go through a
couple of days without talking to a boyfriend type and just
talk with God and let your thoughts be what they will be.
It hasn't and it won't always be easy, but I think I need to
enter a phase where I don't report to a boyfriend everyday
about how I'm doing and etc. and rely on him for affirmation
and such, but instead give my thoughts a little more room
to grow. I hope that makes sense and isn't just an excuse
for Lisa to once again steer away from commitment. I don't
think that's what it is though. I just need some time to
grow individually right now.
John has been amazing through my shifting. He is undoubtedly
a true friend and someone whose kindness I could never repay.
I hope he knows what a treasure I found when we were matched
up that fateful day almost two years ago. Where would my life
be without you Dr. Warren? haha.
Had some good times with Renee and Abby (finally together again!)
as well. Songs were played and in depth, real conversations
were had. Carmen lives on (inside joke...sorry).
Also soaked in TONS of adorableness from nephews Alex, his new
adopted brother Alex Matthew, and Josh (the one from Liberia).
MAN, they may not share any of my blood, but they still manage
to be the cutest kids ever, haha. Seriously, they are great
kids and Mae, Mark, Maralee and Brian are doing great jobs
raising them to be good kids.
I gained a new appreciation for Barnes & Noble this break. I
think it's a great way to spend some quality time with friends
to peruse some books, bring a few to a table and share a
gingersnap latte. GREAT! Did anyone else get one of those
gift card boxes from them with the Godiva chocolates? Nice idea.
I fail at transitions. Here is the spiritual portion of my post.
"We do not know what God is after, but we have to maintain our
relationship with Him whatever happens. We must never allow
anything to injure our relationship with God; if it does get
injured we must take time and get it put right. The main thing
about Christianity is not the work we do, but the relationship we
maintain and the atmosphere produced by that relationship. That
is all God asks us to look after, and it is the one thing that is
being continually assailed."
--Oswald Chambers
"The main reasons for living are: bringing glory to God (He deserves
it) and for the sake of tending and caring for His sheep.
Everything else should just a by-product of these things."
"God will accomplish the perfecting of our inner man by the power
(similar to the effect of fire) of the Holy Spirit. All we must
do is surrender to Him completely and believe in Him."
--my friend Jeff
I find the thought of surrender especially encouraging these days.
It really is that simple. We don't have to do anything to earn
God's favor, we simply must realize our own poverty, trust Him,
and allow Him to do His work in us. This surrendering is not
easy initially, but it brings the kind of rest our souls long for,
a Sabbath rest from our worries, fears, and even our doubts.
I hope we can all claim that rest and that this year we will realize
that there is nothing for us to claim or cling to except the saving
blood of the Lamb of God. Friend, it is my prayer that you will
surrender to Him and give up your striving in your flesh, by your
own power. He will accomplish His will for you if you focus on
nothing more then keeping a right relationship with Him. Lord, help
us, help me, to hear your voice and to follow only you.
How are you? Thanks for reading.
Monday, November 24, 2008
So... I need to update.
Guess what? I am doing great. Why? Because God is so amazing.
Seriously, reading the Bible never gets old. In fact, it seems the
more I read and dig in, the more I find, and the more I want my life
to be consumed by this awesome God.
I've been reflecting lately on the mystery of how something so simple
as having faith can be such a powerful source of change and growth in
people's lives when that faith is in the Creator God and not in oneself
or any frail thing of this world (fame, money, popularity, influence,
etc.).
"But the righteous shall live by his faith."
--Habbakkuk 2:4
"Everything is possible for him who believes."
--Mark 9:23
"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
--Mark 9:24
"'Why couldn't we drive it out?' He replied, 'This
kind can come out only by prayer.'"
--Mark 9:29
"Jesus looked at him and loved him. 'One thing you lack,'
he said. 'Go and sell everything you have and give to the poor,
and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come follow me.'"
--Mark 9:21
"'Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God!'...
'With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are
possible with God.'"
--Mark 9:24; 9:27
"Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all
the more, 'Son of David, have mercy on me!' ... So they called
the blind man, 'Cheer up! On your feet! He's calling you.'
Throwing aside his cloak, he jumped to his feet and came to
Jesus. 'What do you want me to do for you?' Jesus asked him.
'Rabbi, I want to see.' 'Go,' said Jesus, 'your faith has
healed you.' Immediately he received his sight and followed
Jesus along the road."
--Mark 10:48-52
Faith in God and valuing the things he values (serving, giving,
loving others) are so important! What a waste it would be to live
a life that is not rooted in a faith in the Creator, a right
understanding of how loving and just he is, and an ordering of one's
priorities to match up with his.
I was talking to John about this just last night. He said that he
imagines that when we get to heaven we will be able to see so clearly
how so much of what we worried about was such a waste because the only
things that last are the treasures we store in heaven, and not all
these things we waste so much energy worrying over down here.
As we approach Thanksgiving, I must say how thankful I am at having
John back in my life, and how my parents have been receptive to getting
to know him, though they were cautious at first, and probably still are.
I think a big part of this though is that I'm the youngest kid, and
because the Catholic issue struck such a chord with them. My parents
are fiercely protective of keeping a right interpretation of Scripture,
and they have issues with many Catholic doctrines. John and I both
understand where they are coming from, but I am encouraged that lately
they have been more willing to at least try to see where John is coming
from, having attended Catholic and Protestant churches during his
formative years and having received benefits from both traditions.
There's a little update on my relationship status. I'm very happy to be
talking everyday to this amazingly sweet, caring, thoughtful, encouraging,
sincere, spiritually minded, motivated, sometimes extremely silly, and oh,
so affirming man I know named John. It has taken some time and effort
for us to get to this place, but I really feel we understand each other
better then we ever have. It's all such a mystery to me.
Life is not simple or predictable for Lisa's... but it is really good.
What are you thankful about? What are you pondering?
And you know what else? I think I'm going to pass Anatomy and ANOVA.
I'm holding on...
Guess what? I am doing great. Why? Because God is so amazing.
Seriously, reading the Bible never gets old. In fact, it seems the
more I read and dig in, the more I find, and the more I want my life
to be consumed by this awesome God.
I've been reflecting lately on the mystery of how something so simple
as having faith can be such a powerful source of change and growth in
people's lives when that faith is in the Creator God and not in oneself
or any frail thing of this world (fame, money, popularity, influence,
etc.).
"But the righteous shall live by his faith."
--Habbakkuk 2:4
"Everything is possible for him who believes."
--Mark 9:23
"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
--Mark 9:24
"'Why couldn't we drive it out?' He replied, 'This
kind can come out only by prayer.'"
--Mark 9:29
"Jesus looked at him and loved him. 'One thing you lack,'
he said. 'Go and sell everything you have and give to the poor,
and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come follow me.'"
--Mark 9:21
"'Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God!'...
'With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are
possible with God.'"
--Mark 9:24; 9:27
"Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all
the more, 'Son of David, have mercy on me!' ... So they called
the blind man, 'Cheer up! On your feet! He's calling you.'
Throwing aside his cloak, he jumped to his feet and came to
Jesus. 'What do you want me to do for you?' Jesus asked him.
'Rabbi, I want to see.' 'Go,' said Jesus, 'your faith has
healed you.' Immediately he received his sight and followed
Jesus along the road."
--Mark 10:48-52
Faith in God and valuing the things he values (serving, giving,
loving others) are so important! What a waste it would be to live
a life that is not rooted in a faith in the Creator, a right
understanding of how loving and just he is, and an ordering of one's
priorities to match up with his.
I was talking to John about this just last night. He said that he
imagines that when we get to heaven we will be able to see so clearly
how so much of what we worried about was such a waste because the only
things that last are the treasures we store in heaven, and not all
these things we waste so much energy worrying over down here.
As we approach Thanksgiving, I must say how thankful I am at having
John back in my life, and how my parents have been receptive to getting
to know him, though they were cautious at first, and probably still are.
I think a big part of this though is that I'm the youngest kid, and
because the Catholic issue struck such a chord with them. My parents
are fiercely protective of keeping a right interpretation of Scripture,
and they have issues with many Catholic doctrines. John and I both
understand where they are coming from, but I am encouraged that lately
they have been more willing to at least try to see where John is coming
from, having attended Catholic and Protestant churches during his
formative years and having received benefits from both traditions.
There's a little update on my relationship status. I'm very happy to be
talking everyday to this amazingly sweet, caring, thoughtful, encouraging,
sincere, spiritually minded, motivated, sometimes extremely silly, and oh,
so affirming man I know named John. It has taken some time and effort
for us to get to this place, but I really feel we understand each other
better then we ever have. It's all such a mystery to me.
Life is not simple or predictable for Lisa's... but it is really good.
What are you thankful about? What are you pondering?
And you know what else? I think I'm going to pass Anatomy and ANOVA.
I'm holding on...
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Tonight I feel like dancing.
Naomi and I had such a great time at the Renaissance Festival tonight, despite several bouts of aimless wandering. It took us about an HOUR to find my car afterward because it was so dark and we exited from a different place then we came in, and the parking lot was disastrously huge and in several, spread out sections. MAN, it was confusing, and kind of scary 'cause it was like, are we ever going to find my car?? Where are we??
And then on the way home, I missed the Lawrence exit and we ended up in Topeka. That is the fourth time I've done that on I-70. I have several funny memories of doing that exact same thing, once with Michial in the month of January, once with Chris last August, once by myself, and now, with Naomi. People, we need BIGGER SIGNS!! Come on! : ) Funny stuff.
So we ended the night with hot chocolate at Perkins and lots of laughing. What a great ending to the night. Thanks, Naomi. You're a real friend. : )
Friend, I hope you are well. Dance for me tonight, and for the strange beauty of life.
God, I thank you for your Son, for Jesus Christ my Lord. May I lead a life that is pleasing to him, despite my flaws and what sometimes seems like aimless wandering. Thank you for the people in my life, and for the chance to be someone who makes an impact in the lives of others. Please redeem every situation that I mess up in one way or another. Please, work all things for good (good = being conformed to the image of the Son) for those who love you, who you have called, who are living to serve your purposes and not their own. Thank you for your Word, for your compassion, and for every Spiritual blessing that is ours in Christ.
Naomi and I had such a great time at the Renaissance Festival tonight, despite several bouts of aimless wandering. It took us about an HOUR to find my car afterward because it was so dark and we exited from a different place then we came in, and the parking lot was disastrously huge and in several, spread out sections. MAN, it was confusing, and kind of scary 'cause it was like, are we ever going to find my car?? Where are we??
And then on the way home, I missed the Lawrence exit and we ended up in Topeka. That is the fourth time I've done that on I-70. I have several funny memories of doing that exact same thing, once with Michial in the month of January, once with Chris last August, once by myself, and now, with Naomi. People, we need BIGGER SIGNS!! Come on! : ) Funny stuff.
So we ended the night with hot chocolate at Perkins and lots of laughing. What a great ending to the night. Thanks, Naomi. You're a real friend. : )
Friend, I hope you are well. Dance for me tonight, and for the strange beauty of life.
God, I thank you for your Son, for Jesus Christ my Lord. May I lead a life that is pleasing to him, despite my flaws and what sometimes seems like aimless wandering. Thank you for the people in my life, and for the chance to be someone who makes an impact in the lives of others. Please redeem every situation that I mess up in one way or another. Please, work all things for good (good = being conformed to the image of the Son) for those who love you, who you have called, who are living to serve your purposes and not their own. Thank you for your Word, for your compassion, and for every Spiritual blessing that is ours in Christ.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Random, scattered thoughts and bits of subconscious from tired brain:
Sometimes I think maybe half the country is right and Obama is going to be a good next president, but then someone mentions socialism and overspending on big government and I run back to my Conservative corner and pick up my McCain / Palin sign.
Overspending and too much controlling both react bad with me, and not just on a political level. Those are issues deeply ingrained in me to be repelled by, one from my wise, financially smart father, and the other by something stubborn inside of me. I don't like the idea of the government controlling any more than is necessary.
But what do I know, honestly? I'm against abortion for sure, so that also reinforces the Republican ticket for me. I definitely lean that way, but the trouble is, I don't honestly know what is what sometimes, I just react to things I'm pretty sure I think are true.
I like music therapy. I had so much fun this morning with the two boys with autism I'm working with this semester. Seriously though, I'll be so glad when Anatomy and Analysis of Variance (ANOVA) class are over! In a strange way I'm enjoying being stretched and learning all kinds of new and ridiculous things (do you have any idea how many veins and arteries and nerves are in your face? Yeah, well I kind of do), but it will feel great to have it behind me.
BLARG! I want to have more time to be artsy and deep and play my little guitar outside in the Autumn air. Oh, life, you are still so so busy. I'm still kind of readjusting after the Boston trip as well, though it hasn't been overly hard.
I had a great time overall in Boston by the way. Jason's wedding was nice and I didn't mess up the song or anything. Actually, I'm pretty sure I sang well, so that felt good. I had a great time with Chris too. We had a lot of great times, and a lot of learning times too. I'll call them learning times 'cause that is what they were, plus it sounds nicer then "times when Chris got super frustrated with me and one where I got super frustrated with him." But you know, relationships are just like that. Cousin Joel (psychology Masters, so he knows stuff) said that about 85% of marriages are a lot of hard work and about 15% just get along real well. I know Chris and I are not married, but I just think it's interesting to realize that if we were, we would probably be just fine; we'd just be in that 85% bracket.
However, Chris and I are not officially together anymore. That's about all the detail I want to get into about it, but right now is time for both of us to have our space (being half a continent apart doesn't hinder this either) and consider what the future may or may not hold. We're on really good terms though, so I count it all a victory, thanks to God. These things... as usual... can be so tricky. But Chris is really such a great guy, even if he's tired of me saying that. Neither of us are in any way perfect however, and we're not the most compatible of people in the world either.
Lots to think about, consider, pray about, and rejoice over. The rejoicing is just because, honestly, life is just so beautiful, though strange at times. I cannot deny the beauty of the life in Christ or the path he leads me down. When I stumble, he does not let me fall into darkness.
There are many more things I could tell you... if you weren't so public, silly Mr. Blog. Ah, my friends, do you suppose life ever becomes more clear, or do we simply learn to make peace with the constant undercurrent of change? O.k., that is close enough to a deep thought, whoo hoo! I got it back, sweet!!! Alright, so that was way too much excitement, but I needed it.
Oh, and I'm listening to some great new tunes these days, and some I've had around.
1. Avett Brothers
2. Explosions in the Sky
3. Mahler's Ninth
4. Townes Van Zandt
5. Philip Glass
Woah, I'm really low on the blatantly Christian artists these days. Hmmm... do you think that's o.k. with God? I'm reading his Word and praying as much as ever... so I guess it's o.k. Still, it would be good to get some good, spiritually nourishing songs on the playlist. Maybe I will look into that next. Derek Webb or Sarah Groves or Caedmon's have anything new out? Otherwise I'll go back to some Keith Green and Rich Mullins. Those guys are good too.
I hope your October is going great. What a nice month it is. Kansas has been absolutely gorgeous lately. I wonder where I'll be this time next year...
Sometimes I think maybe half the country is right and Obama is going to be a good next president, but then someone mentions socialism and overspending on big government and I run back to my Conservative corner and pick up my McCain / Palin sign.
Overspending and too much controlling both react bad with me, and not just on a political level. Those are issues deeply ingrained in me to be repelled by, one from my wise, financially smart father, and the other by something stubborn inside of me. I don't like the idea of the government controlling any more than is necessary.
But what do I know, honestly? I'm against abortion for sure, so that also reinforces the Republican ticket for me. I definitely lean that way, but the trouble is, I don't honestly know what is what sometimes, I just react to things I'm pretty sure I think are true.
I like music therapy. I had so much fun this morning with the two boys with autism I'm working with this semester. Seriously though, I'll be so glad when Anatomy and Analysis of Variance (ANOVA) class are over! In a strange way I'm enjoying being stretched and learning all kinds of new and ridiculous things (do you have any idea how many veins and arteries and nerves are in your face? Yeah, well I kind of do), but it will feel great to have it behind me.
BLARG! I want to have more time to be artsy and deep and play my little guitar outside in the Autumn air. Oh, life, you are still so so busy. I'm still kind of readjusting after the Boston trip as well, though it hasn't been overly hard.
I had a great time overall in Boston by the way. Jason's wedding was nice and I didn't mess up the song or anything. Actually, I'm pretty sure I sang well, so that felt good. I had a great time with Chris too. We had a lot of great times, and a lot of learning times too. I'll call them learning times 'cause that is what they were, plus it sounds nicer then "times when Chris got super frustrated with me and one where I got super frustrated with him." But you know, relationships are just like that. Cousin Joel (psychology Masters, so he knows stuff) said that about 85% of marriages are a lot of hard work and about 15% just get along real well. I know Chris and I are not married, but I just think it's interesting to realize that if we were, we would probably be just fine; we'd just be in that 85% bracket.
However, Chris and I are not officially together anymore. That's about all the detail I want to get into about it, but right now is time for both of us to have our space (being half a continent apart doesn't hinder this either) and consider what the future may or may not hold. We're on really good terms though, so I count it all a victory, thanks to God. These things... as usual... can be so tricky. But Chris is really such a great guy, even if he's tired of me saying that. Neither of us are in any way perfect however, and we're not the most compatible of people in the world either.
Lots to think about, consider, pray about, and rejoice over. The rejoicing is just because, honestly, life is just so beautiful, though strange at times. I cannot deny the beauty of the life in Christ or the path he leads me down. When I stumble, he does not let me fall into darkness.
There are many more things I could tell you... if you weren't so public, silly Mr. Blog. Ah, my friends, do you suppose life ever becomes more clear, or do we simply learn to make peace with the constant undercurrent of change? O.k., that is close enough to a deep thought, whoo hoo! I got it back, sweet!!! Alright, so that was way too much excitement, but I needed it.
Oh, and I'm listening to some great new tunes these days, and some I've had around.
1. Avett Brothers
2. Explosions in the Sky
3. Mahler's Ninth
4. Townes Van Zandt
5. Philip Glass
Woah, I'm really low on the blatantly Christian artists these days. Hmmm... do you think that's o.k. with God? I'm reading his Word and praying as much as ever... so I guess it's o.k. Still, it would be good to get some good, spiritually nourishing songs on the playlist. Maybe I will look into that next. Derek Webb or Sarah Groves or Caedmon's have anything new out? Otherwise I'll go back to some Keith Green and Rich Mullins. Those guys are good too.
I hope your October is going great. What a nice month it is. Kansas has been absolutely gorgeous lately. I wonder where I'll be this time next year...
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
I've been away so long, but now all I can do is blog, blog, blog.
I purchased Jon Foreman's "Fall" EP, plus one of the songs from
"Spring" (Revenge).
How does Jon Foreman do it? I thought he had lost the ability to
see into my soul and write songs. It hasn't happened since high
school and early college. I thought he lost the ability for a while.
Seemed like he was just writing well produced mediocrity. I liked
"Shadow Proves the Sunshine" alright, but he was losing me.
Then I discovered these songs. I approve of the solo venture, Jon.
These songs are raw. Not Bill Mallonee raw, but that is a pretty hard
thing to attain, and not even always desirable, let's be honest (Bill
knows I love him...well, not really, but if I knew him, he would know
it. I am often far too raw myself). Foreman is a bit more of a well-crafted songwriter, but the songs feel real again. There are stories of struggle.
This is the kind of art I can relate to. I really recommend it, especially
if you struggle towards the light that is growing in your heart, but not
always steadily and easily.
Here's a quote from "The Cure for Pain":
"I'm not sure why it always goes downhill
Why broken cisterns never could stay filled
I've spent ten years singing gravity away
But the water keeps on falling from the sky"
That's just it, isn't it? Broken cisterns. That's the problem.
Oh, Lord, heal our brokenness. Only then can we move forward without
always equally moving backwards.
Here's a snippet of "The Moon is a Magnet":
"What are we
If we're not in love?
What are we
If we're not in love?
These are the cages
A kiss is contagious
It will betray us all
A kiss will betray us all
Somebody told me
That everyone's phony
'Til somebody's lonely
I hope that you're lonely
I hope that you're only
Waiting to phone me
What are we
If we're not alone?
What are we
If we're not alone?
These are the cages
A kiss is contagious
It will betray us all
A kiss will betray us all"
I love the line, "Somebody told me that everyone's phony
'til somebody's lonely." That is such a complicated
thought, but there is truth there. Loneliness is a tricky
motivator, but a powerful one. Maybe those of us with the
greatest needs are the least phony. I am a continually lonely
one. But... if that were true, why would I keep running away?
Could it be that I'm looking for something so blindingly beautiful
that I just can't stop searching because I can't risk... missing it?
But then, will I endlessly search? What am I really searching for?
A love that lasts. A love that can be bruised, broken and busted,
but still persists. I'm looking for love without condition, love
without reservation, love without a record of wrongs.
But can I even give that? Maybe I'm running from what I know I am
not - someone worthy of the kind of that love I refuse to live without.
I am a broken cistern.
But look, I know that I am. This is where it all starts, right? Now,
someone hand me some mortar, or whatever will mend me. God, it comes
from you.
I step forward, with no idea where my foot will land, but with faith
that wherever it is, it will be good because I trust that you are
guiding me, and believe that you will not let me fall. Thank you,
Father.
Grow your love in my heart. Let me labor in your vineyard. Let me be
like the son who, even if he said he would not at first, does go and
work in your fields as you requested him to. I am determined to love
you, to serve you, to seek you, to find you, to believe you, to submit
to you. Forgive me for failing you.
"Equally Skilled," and "My Love Goes Free" are gems as well.
And "Southbound Train".
I purchased Jon Foreman's "Fall" EP, plus one of the songs from
"Spring" (Revenge).
How does Jon Foreman do it? I thought he had lost the ability to
see into my soul and write songs. It hasn't happened since high
school and early college. I thought he lost the ability for a while.
Seemed like he was just writing well produced mediocrity. I liked
"Shadow Proves the Sunshine" alright, but he was losing me.
Then I discovered these songs. I approve of the solo venture, Jon.
These songs are raw. Not Bill Mallonee raw, but that is a pretty hard
thing to attain, and not even always desirable, let's be honest (Bill
knows I love him...well, not really, but if I knew him, he would know
it. I am often far too raw myself). Foreman is a bit more of a well-crafted songwriter, but the songs feel real again. There are stories of struggle.
This is the kind of art I can relate to. I really recommend it, especially
if you struggle towards the light that is growing in your heart, but not
always steadily and easily.
Here's a quote from "The Cure for Pain":
"I'm not sure why it always goes downhill
Why broken cisterns never could stay filled
I've spent ten years singing gravity away
But the water keeps on falling from the sky"
That's just it, isn't it? Broken cisterns. That's the problem.
Oh, Lord, heal our brokenness. Only then can we move forward without
always equally moving backwards.
Here's a snippet of "The Moon is a Magnet":
"What are we
If we're not in love?
What are we
If we're not in love?
These are the cages
A kiss is contagious
It will betray us all
A kiss will betray us all
Somebody told me
That everyone's phony
'Til somebody's lonely
I hope that you're lonely
I hope that you're only
Waiting to phone me
What are we
If we're not alone?
What are we
If we're not alone?
These are the cages
A kiss is contagious
It will betray us all
A kiss will betray us all"
I love the line, "Somebody told me that everyone's phony
'til somebody's lonely." That is such a complicated
thought, but there is truth there. Loneliness is a tricky
motivator, but a powerful one. Maybe those of us with the
greatest needs are the least phony. I am a continually lonely
one. But... if that were true, why would I keep running away?
Could it be that I'm looking for something so blindingly beautiful
that I just can't stop searching because I can't risk... missing it?
But then, will I endlessly search? What am I really searching for?
A love that lasts. A love that can be bruised, broken and busted,
but still persists. I'm looking for love without condition, love
without reservation, love without a record of wrongs.
But can I even give that? Maybe I'm running from what I know I am
not - someone worthy of the kind of that love I refuse to live without.
I am a broken cistern.
But look, I know that I am. This is where it all starts, right? Now,
someone hand me some mortar, or whatever will mend me. God, it comes
from you.
I step forward, with no idea where my foot will land, but with faith
that wherever it is, it will be good because I trust that you are
guiding me, and believe that you will not let me fall. Thank you,
Father.
Grow your love in my heart. Let me labor in your vineyard. Let me be
like the son who, even if he said he would not at first, does go and
work in your fields as you requested him to. I am determined to love
you, to serve you, to seek you, to find you, to believe you, to submit
to you. Forgive me for failing you.
"Equally Skilled," and "My Love Goes Free" are gems as well.
And "Southbound Train".
Monday, September 22, 2008
The Mystery of the Tasteless Food - A Near Death Experience
O.k., funny story time. Actually, even a little scary.
Please learn from my mistake.
Alright, so I moved a few months ago. I move into my new
apartment and all is well. Then one night I decide to make
some Baba Ghanoush. I go through the whole painstaking
process, roasting the eggplant, etc. etc., and I get to
the final step of adding a bit of salt. I'm using this
new (but old) salt shaker with this screw on lid. Yeah,
apparently the last time I screwed it on, I didn't go the
whole way. So I shake it a couple times and suddenly have
a mountain of salt in my Baba Ghanoush!! NO!!!!
But believe it or not, I managed to salvage some of it,
though it was still pretty salty. I don't like wasting, not
one bit!
O.k., so now I go to fill up my salt shaker with some more
salt. During the move, I put some things in plastic bags
that were once in less smashable containers, such as my
sea salt. But there it was, my bag of sea salt with those
large white granules. So I fill up my salt shaker and make
peace with my past experience. Nevermore will I have such
bad cooking karma! Or so I thought...
A few days go by, all seems well. However, as time goes
on, I gradually develop this strange feeling that something
is not right in my kitchen. Then my stomach starts to feel
a little funny. Then, last night when my guacamole was STILL
not tasting right after I added plenty of salt, it clicks.
Something is not right with my salt!
I pour a little out in my hand and taste it. Weird! Gross!
What is that? What have I been putting on all my precious
organic food for the past week?!
That's when I realize; it was not sea salt that I put in that
plastic bag. No, it was EPSOM SALT, you know, the stuff you
put in your bath to relax your muscles? Oh, no! So I went
to my computer (what would we do without the internet?) and
googled the stuff. I knew that epsom salt could also be used
as a laxative, but I found out that it is not highly recommended.
Actually, there have been several deaths reported with epsom
salt consumption!
Yikes, yikes, YIKES!
Don't worry, I'm starting to feel more "normal" now, though
that wasn't exactly my problem, haha. No, seriously though, it
didn't even mess with me that much. So funny when I realized
what I had been sprinkling on my food. How ridiculous.
There's my story. What's your story, hmm?
Please learn from my mistake.
Alright, so I moved a few months ago. I move into my new
apartment and all is well. Then one night I decide to make
some Baba Ghanoush. I go through the whole painstaking
process, roasting the eggplant, etc. etc., and I get to
the final step of adding a bit of salt. I'm using this
new (but old) salt shaker with this screw on lid. Yeah,
apparently the last time I screwed it on, I didn't go the
whole way. So I shake it a couple times and suddenly have
a mountain of salt in my Baba Ghanoush!! NO!!!!
But believe it or not, I managed to salvage some of it,
though it was still pretty salty. I don't like wasting, not
one bit!
O.k., so now I go to fill up my salt shaker with some more
salt. During the move, I put some things in plastic bags
that were once in less smashable containers, such as my
sea salt. But there it was, my bag of sea salt with those
large white granules. So I fill up my salt shaker and make
peace with my past experience. Nevermore will I have such
bad cooking karma! Or so I thought...
A few days go by, all seems well. However, as time goes
on, I gradually develop this strange feeling that something
is not right in my kitchen. Then my stomach starts to feel
a little funny. Then, last night when my guacamole was STILL
not tasting right after I added plenty of salt, it clicks.
Something is not right with my salt!
I pour a little out in my hand and taste it. Weird! Gross!
What is that? What have I been putting on all my precious
organic food for the past week?!
That's when I realize; it was not sea salt that I put in that
plastic bag. No, it was EPSOM SALT, you know, the stuff you
put in your bath to relax your muscles? Oh, no! So I went
to my computer (what would we do without the internet?) and
googled the stuff. I knew that epsom salt could also be used
as a laxative, but I found out that it is not highly recommended.
Actually, there have been several deaths reported with epsom
salt consumption!
Yikes, yikes, YIKES!
Don't worry, I'm starting to feel more "normal" now, though
that wasn't exactly my problem, haha. No, seriously though, it
didn't even mess with me that much. So funny when I realized
what I had been sprinkling on my food. How ridiculous.
There's my story. What's your story, hmm?
Picture of coffeehouse gig
Just had to share. My awesome roommate Diana took this picture last Thursday. I am still highly amused by pictures of myself playing the guitar. : ) Hope it sounded as convincing as it looks... or at least I hope it looks.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Hi, blog. How are you? Oh, feeling neglected? So sorry...
Time to SAY SOMETHING! SO many things I want to say and try
to express and understand....
The longer I live, the funnier I think living is. I mean,
seriously, how often is life the way you thought, the way
you pictured it being? Maybe if I had a clearer picture in
mind I wouldn't forever be shooting in the dark.
But I'm just still figuring some things out about the details of
that picture, that vision that is forming in my head for where
this train is going. I'm 25. Actually, I'm getting close to 26.
That is so an age where I thought I would have more figured out,
you know, like at least the general idea of the type of guy I would
like to marry. Well, I think I have a general idea... right now I'm
just at a point where I need to be free to consider REALLY who I am
becoming and not try and nail anything down.
This point has come upon me all of a sudden, and may only last
through the night, maybe longer. You just never know WHAT will
go on in this head of mine! The minute you try and predict, that
is the minute everything starts to go the other way. O.k., I'm
being over dramatic. I'm not that crazed really, I just have to
rebel against perceived expectations now and again just so I don't
get stuck in a mold I'm not sure fits.
I have no idea where I'm going to be in a year from now. A lot
of speculations, but no real clue at this point. I'll hopefully
be doing my music therapy internship somewhere (assuming I pass
Anatomy and ANOVA this semester and Dr. Clair's class next
semester..), but that could be nearly anywhere! Wow.
I played some songs upstairs at Signs of Life last Thursday night
for the Grace women's coffeehouse gathering. It was pretty fun
though the noise was bouncing all around those wood floors and
cement walls so that it was really hard to clearly hear myself.
I hope it sounded better to those listening. I got one compliment
on a specific song, and that was a new, bluesy one called "Love
is Just Around the Corner." Oh, and I played a cover by an
artist/friend of mine who I did not ask permission to play his
song. I should probably retroactively ask him if it's o.k. before
he finds out and sues me. No... he wouldn't do that... The song
was "Sunflowers" and now that it's out, I feel a burden of guilt
lifting from my shoulders. I just like that song a lot.
Hey, once again I must ask, is it o.k. for me to not have
everything figured out yet? Please, someone tell me it's o.k.
I'm really trying to equally live AND learn and not repeat the
mistakes of my past. I am hoping and praying that doing so
and simply walking forward in faith, hope, and love, will be
just the way to find that elusive path that my feet are destined
to find, that path where, though it is not perfect, I know that
it is where God wants me to be, and I am fully there and fully
confident of where I'm going.
One thing I read in Matthew today was about how Jesus said that
he himself came to serve and not to be served, and that many who
are first shall be last and the last shall be first, just like the
workers in the vineyard who came later in the day but got payed
the same amount, and even got paid first. It seems so backwards
to us... but his ways are higher.
Lord, help me to seek to serve and not to be served that I might
be a light in the darkness and that I might be characterized
by my willingness to extend myself for the sake of others, out
of gratitude towards Christ.
Praise God for his mercy, his graciousness and compassion.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Time to SAY SOMETHING! SO many things I want to say and try
to express and understand....
The longer I live, the funnier I think living is. I mean,
seriously, how often is life the way you thought, the way
you pictured it being? Maybe if I had a clearer picture in
mind I wouldn't forever be shooting in the dark.
But I'm just still figuring some things out about the details of
that picture, that vision that is forming in my head for where
this train is going. I'm 25. Actually, I'm getting close to 26.
That is so an age where I thought I would have more figured out,
you know, like at least the general idea of the type of guy I would
like to marry. Well, I think I have a general idea... right now I'm
just at a point where I need to be free to consider REALLY who I am
becoming and not try and nail anything down.
This point has come upon me all of a sudden, and may only last
through the night, maybe longer. You just never know WHAT will
go on in this head of mine! The minute you try and predict, that
is the minute everything starts to go the other way. O.k., I'm
being over dramatic. I'm not that crazed really, I just have to
rebel against perceived expectations now and again just so I don't
get stuck in a mold I'm not sure fits.
I have no idea where I'm going to be in a year from now. A lot
of speculations, but no real clue at this point. I'll hopefully
be doing my music therapy internship somewhere (assuming I pass
Anatomy and ANOVA this semester and Dr. Clair's class next
semester..), but that could be nearly anywhere! Wow.
I played some songs upstairs at Signs of Life last Thursday night
for the Grace women's coffeehouse gathering. It was pretty fun
though the noise was bouncing all around those wood floors and
cement walls so that it was really hard to clearly hear myself.
I hope it sounded better to those listening. I got one compliment
on a specific song, and that was a new, bluesy one called "Love
is Just Around the Corner." Oh, and I played a cover by an
artist/friend of mine who I did not ask permission to play his
song. I should probably retroactively ask him if it's o.k. before
he finds out and sues me. No... he wouldn't do that... The song
was "Sunflowers" and now that it's out, I feel a burden of guilt
lifting from my shoulders. I just like that song a lot.
Hey, once again I must ask, is it o.k. for me to not have
everything figured out yet? Please, someone tell me it's o.k.
I'm really trying to equally live AND learn and not repeat the
mistakes of my past. I am hoping and praying that doing so
and simply walking forward in faith, hope, and love, will be
just the way to find that elusive path that my feet are destined
to find, that path where, though it is not perfect, I know that
it is where God wants me to be, and I am fully there and fully
confident of where I'm going.
One thing I read in Matthew today was about how Jesus said that
he himself came to serve and not to be served, and that many who
are first shall be last and the last shall be first, just like the
workers in the vineyard who came later in the day but got payed
the same amount, and even got paid first. It seems so backwards
to us... but his ways are higher.
Lord, help me to seek to serve and not to be served that I might
be a light in the darkness and that I might be characterized
by my willingness to extend myself for the sake of others, out
of gratitude towards Christ.
Praise God for his mercy, his graciousness and compassion.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Friday, September 05, 2008
I don't have time to be blogging....
but man, I just need to. Is that weird?
I just desperately need a semi-public, creative
outlet right now. Not that this post is going to
be all that creative... just expressive.
What do I need to express? That life can be so tricky!!
SERIOUSLY!!! Honestly, if you think about all the
complexities of relationships it is staggering. I mean,
really, how many of us truly even understand ourselves
and why we do the things we do? Not just the apparent
reasons, but the deep down hidden ones. Do you really
know why you think, act, and feel the way you do? How
many of us are really willing to be who we truly are in
the context of any relationship? How many of us are
willing to be vulnerable enough both to face who that
person is, and to trust another person with it?
Then throw in the complexities of how we perceive the
reactions of those we are in relationships with. And
then what if you happen to be a highly sensitive person?
And what if the person you are in a relationship with and
you don't always speak the same language. What if he
communicates love through consistency, gifts, and then
words and outward expressions and what if the way you
most easily understand love is in the reverse order? Does
that mean he doesn't love you? No, it really doesn't. So
how do you know?
Time, little girl, give it time. The deepest things are not
always the easiest to perceive. I know, I know, it's just
that I can be so sensitive, so reactive. If anyone had any
idea... My heart can close up so fast, just like it can open
way too fast at other times. Dear Lord, it's going to take
some special persistence if I'm ever going to have a lasting
relationship with a man.
I do want that, I know I do. It's just not easy. I mess things
up. But maybe I don't, really. Maybe I've just done what Lisa
was always bound to do, and maybe God is always cleaning up after
me, and redeeming things in the end. Maybe the mess is not always
going to stay a mess. Maybe the mess is inevitable, and the more
I try to avoid it, the messier it's going to be when I finally face
it.
Then face it now! Don't run away anymore. Nothing can harm you,
not really, not if you're just doing your best with His help.
Don't be afraid. Fear does not accomplish anything. Just face it.
Be who you are and become who you are not yet. Let Him mold the
situation into what it was meant to be. It will not overcome, not
destroy you in the end. Your fears are oversized. Your faith is
too small. Be a real grown up and face the inner, selfish child.
Hey, do I have issues or what? O.K., so what if I kind of do?
Is that O.K. with you my friend? Please, I'm only trying to grow
up. I'm only trying to become "mature and complete, lacking nothing."
It is so lofty and seems so out of reach. I lack so much. I fall
down inside. But there is a Savior always picking me up.
Because of Him, I will keep walking forward into that beautiful
foggy mess up ahead. And whatever happens, happens. I can only
keep holding out my heart and letting it grow with love I do not
now know how to give, but want to learn.
but man, I just need to. Is that weird?
I just desperately need a semi-public, creative
outlet right now. Not that this post is going to
be all that creative... just expressive.
What do I need to express? That life can be so tricky!!
SERIOUSLY!!! Honestly, if you think about all the
complexities of relationships it is staggering. I mean,
really, how many of us truly even understand ourselves
and why we do the things we do? Not just the apparent
reasons, but the deep down hidden ones. Do you really
know why you think, act, and feel the way you do? How
many of us are really willing to be who we truly are in
the context of any relationship? How many of us are
willing to be vulnerable enough both to face who that
person is, and to trust another person with it?
Then throw in the complexities of how we perceive the
reactions of those we are in relationships with. And
then what if you happen to be a highly sensitive person?
And what if the person you are in a relationship with and
you don't always speak the same language. What if he
communicates love through consistency, gifts, and then
words and outward expressions and what if the way you
most easily understand love is in the reverse order? Does
that mean he doesn't love you? No, it really doesn't. So
how do you know?
Time, little girl, give it time. The deepest things are not
always the easiest to perceive. I know, I know, it's just
that I can be so sensitive, so reactive. If anyone had any
idea... My heart can close up so fast, just like it can open
way too fast at other times. Dear Lord, it's going to take
some special persistence if I'm ever going to have a lasting
relationship with a man.
I do want that, I know I do. It's just not easy. I mess things
up. But maybe I don't, really. Maybe I've just done what Lisa
was always bound to do, and maybe God is always cleaning up after
me, and redeeming things in the end. Maybe the mess is not always
going to stay a mess. Maybe the mess is inevitable, and the more
I try to avoid it, the messier it's going to be when I finally face
it.
Then face it now! Don't run away anymore. Nothing can harm you,
not really, not if you're just doing your best with His help.
Don't be afraid. Fear does not accomplish anything. Just face it.
Be who you are and become who you are not yet. Let Him mold the
situation into what it was meant to be. It will not overcome, not
destroy you in the end. Your fears are oversized. Your faith is
too small. Be a real grown up and face the inner, selfish child.
Hey, do I have issues or what? O.K., so what if I kind of do?
Is that O.K. with you my friend? Please, I'm only trying to grow
up. I'm only trying to become "mature and complete, lacking nothing."
It is so lofty and seems so out of reach. I lack so much. I fall
down inside. But there is a Savior always picking me up.
Because of Him, I will keep walking forward into that beautiful
foggy mess up ahead. And whatever happens, happens. I can only
keep holding out my heart and letting it grow with love I do not
now know how to give, but want to learn.
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