Back on April 19 I wrote in my journal, while feeling pathetic:
"If I could just get where I'm going...
I know I would be fine.
Why must it take so long? I need faith.."

Not especially profound, just what I was feeling.

And now, I am on the verge of moving in to my new apartment,
with two new roommates I have yet to officially meet. And in
five days my dear, sweet Chris is flying into Kansas City. And
then we'll head up to Lincoln for Dad's 60th Birthday.

Things are looking up.

But I would be glossing over a little more than Lisa's like to do
to not mention that I'm still battling, still trying so hard to
not be bogged down by my flesh, by this body of death. I know that's
harsh, but sometimes I just feel that way.

Statistics class last month was intense, but went well. There were
some really fun people who I hope to keep hanging out with here and
there. We've had some fun times together, eating Thai food, and Salsa
dancing and sharing stories and laughing at Al's place.

Back to the flesh thing. Does anyone else relate? I mean, sometimes
it's like you have all these wonderful intentions and you want to serve
God, live by His Spirit, be in the Word daily, pray fervently, be kind
and patient and pure and full of love and peace.... and then you stub
your toe and get a stomach ache.

We sang this hymn in church last Sunday that had this verse:

"And I have vowed to fear and love You,
and to obey You, Lord, alone;
Because the Holy Spirit moved me,
I dared to pledge myself Your own,
Renouncing sin to keep the faith
and war with evil unto death"
(from "Baptized into Your Name Most Holy)

It's that last line that resonates with me. "and war with evil
unto death." That's really what it is sometimes. A war with
evil, and with our own flesh, which, in its sinfulness, desires
things that are at times at odds with what God desires for us,
and gets tired at times when we ought to be praying and feeding
on the Word, and makes me hormonal and angsty at certain times
of the month. Yeah, I said it. Yeah, today was one of those
days. The boyfriend dealt pretty well. We're learning each
other, slowly but surely.

Life can be a struggle, a battle. Then there is the struggle
with recognizing the reality of the unseen. It is all too easy
to get caught up in the material world and forget the equally
real spiritual realm full of spiritual forces and beings, both
good and bad. After a convicting sermon concerning this, I have
been trying to merge the two worlds again in my heart and mind.

These two realms can be merged. The Bible is our guide for
how to live in a way that is fully present in the material realm,
but equally fully aware of and active in the spiritual realm. I
think this is what it means to live in Christ. We have to merge
these realms, by the power of Christ through the inner working of
the Holy Spirit, as we submit to Him daily, in order to live in
victory over these imperfect bodies that will one day be fully
redeemed.

Someday we will truly see. Someday we will fully know as we are
fully known by God. Someday we will see face to face instead of
through a dark glass. But for now we "war with evil unto death."

Praise God we can serve the humble Christ, who came not to call the
righteous but sinners. This same Christ said, "Blessed are the poor
in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven." Poor in spirit...
not self-sufficient and full of pride. Thank you, Lord.

Here's another verse from that hymn:

"Yes, all I am and love most dearly I offer now, O Lord, to You
Oh, let me make my vows sincerely, and what I say, help me to do
Let naught within me naught I own, serve any will but Yours alone."

I need to testify - my parents are such gems. They are coming down
tomorrow to help me move. They were here just last weekend and helped
me move out and clean my apartment. I kind of miss it. It was my home
for three whole years. So much happened while I lived there...

I'm excited to see so many people I love very soon in celebration of
Dad's Birthday.

I hope you are well. If you've had one of those days lately where you
just feel a little off inside... know that you are not alone. We all
have days like that. The trick is to just keep going, for tomorrow will
bring new mercies from the Father. Trust in Him, my friend. He is the
only one who will absolutely never let you down.

Life. Life. Life. Living. What does it all mean?
How can I fully grasp each present moment I am given?

Lately I have been reading "Passion and Purity" and
"Velvet Elvis" - the first given to me by mom and the
second on loan to me from a friend.

I am being challenged to see each day as a gift, and
as an opportunity to rejoice in the Lord, the lover of
my soul, as I wait patiently for His perfect plans to
unfold, continuing to walk forward step by step, and
taking advantage of every opportunity to give of
myself and also to receive from others. I am fascinated
by the concept of living in the moment these days. How
can I grasp it truly? What does it mean to live there?
What does it mean to really live?

Tonight I played and sang some songs for a group of
ladies gathered at church. It was a small group and
although they mostly chatted, I appreciated the chance
to play in front of people and do something constructive
with my stockpile of songs. I felt there were several
moments of connection among the group of us gathered.

When you experience something, feel something, and then
express it, and someone else can relate to it in some way,
that is life. When you read something someone else thought
to write and you take it inside and let it grow new and good
things inside of you, that is life.

When you just get through a day, that is life. When you drink
coffee and get lots done and write love letters, that is life.
When you make new connections with new people, when you keep
old connections alive, when you make a choice to grow and to
give more of yourself instead of retreat and hide, that is life.

When you take a chance, when you expose your heart, when you
say something that builds up, when you take ownership of your
environment, when you walk dogs and clean your house and talk
to your mom, when you treat yourself, when you ignore those
uncomfortable feelings and reach out in little ways, that is life.

When you talk and interact with other human beings, when you
discuss things and really listen to what is being said and
when you care about really listening and being listened to,
that is life.

When you give up your right to dictate how everything should play
out and let God be God, that is life.

When you work hard at what you have been given to do, that is life.

When you turn your eyes from focusing primarily inward and take it
upon yourself to be concerned with the condition of others, and
when you pray, for yourself or for others, that is life.

When you give up your life and take in the Words of Scripture as
the truth that they are and allow the Spirit of God to move
inside your heart and draw you closer to the heart of God, that is
life.

"This is what the Lord Almighty says:
'Administer true justice, show mercy and compassion to one
another. Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the
alien or the poor. In your hearts do not think evil of
each other.'"
--Zechariah 7:9-10

That is life. This life is a loss apart from Christ. But through
the mercy of our Great God, we can give, receive, and live by
laying down our lives and taking up the life in Christ.

It is such a great mystery. It is not easy, but neither is it
a burden. It is about rejoicing and being truly thankful and
filled with love. It is about loving and sacrificing and waiting
on God and being full of joy, hope, faith and love.

I am looking forward. I am looking upward. I need more of Him.

What does living look like for you today?

My Trip to Boston and New York City

This is a new post
(don't get mad at me if this statement becomes false if
you are in the habit of checking this - which, if you are,
I apologize).

I almost feel bad about not blogging in so long. But really,
I'm sure the internet has plenty of forgiveness for me. There
are enough people out there documenting their lives and thoughts
away for me to take a break.

But here I am, taking the torch back up. Oh, I've missed my torch.
You see, I've become so externally focused lately that I fear I'm
starting to become boring. Well, not really. It's just that when
you have so much to do and so many responsibilities, you don't have
time to be interesting. Eh. Maybe I'm more interesting then I give
myself credit for, even when I'm externally focused. I'm still me.
And dang it, I'm interesting!

Hmph. Well, I'm trying here. Let's see now, what should I tell you?

1. I played a song that I wrote in March at a music therapy fundraiser
concert tonight outside. The weather was perfect. It went alright,
and there were a lot of talented folks offering up their stylings.

Want to read the lyrics for my song? Alright, since you silently and
internally asked so nicely...

Sittin' here thinkin' 'bout a million things, just hoping that
One of these thoughts will grow its own two wings, so I can fly
To another side of the universe, so I can get a
Better angle on March 1st, on March 1st

There are only so many things I understand, and I'm not sure that
Even one falls into this plan, still I have to
Raise my hands and praise the Lord, for all of the
Truth and beauty found in His Word, in His Word

Hope was born long before time, which tells me that
There is still hope for this heart of mine, the Son of God is
Interceding now for me, which means that I have
Hope of living eternally, eternally

Are there pale angels standing by, and do they ever
Falter when they start to fly, and are they really
Watching over all of us, and do they hear me
When I cry to Jesus, to Jesus

The hope I have because of God, is like a living
Flower planted in the sod, and even though the
Wind may blow to make it bend, it will always
Spring back stronger in the end, in the end


So I'm not sure whether to call the song "Better Angle" or
"March 1st" or what, but there you have it. Forgive the
strange punctuations and flow of words, but that's how they
fit with the music.

2. After school gets out I'm taking a short trip to Lincoln,
and then a trip to the East Coast. Who hoo!!! I'm going
to finally visit Abby in NYC, and I'm going to spend some time
with a "friend" in Boston. More on this later (I know you're
just dying to know more... but don't die. I'll tell you more
when there's significantly more to tell. After all, this is
my internet journal. If you want to full story, you gotta call
me).

3. I wish I had more interesting things to write about. I mean,
I'm sure I could come up with something to amuse or enlighten
you, but mostly I'm just worn out. School has been beating me
up. But I'm going to get in a few good swings in the next week
and perhaps even win the whole match. I'm a fighter, you know
it's true. Don't discount me 'cause I'm nice and have back
issues. I do pilates every week and I don't give up unless I'm
relatively certain something is a losing battle. This is not one
of those battles. I'm winning already. I need to win this one.

4. Gustav Mahler wrote 9.5 incredible symphonies. I can only
really recommend the 9th 'cause it's the one I know stuff about.
It rocks.

5. I have two new fish and one same old pigeon (name of my
surviving fish).

6. I'm reading in Hosea right now.

7. There was a massive wind storm about a week ago and I thought
it was a tornado and that I was going to die. I hid in my
bathtub and cried/prayed to God to keep me safe. It was really
interesting to journal about it the next day and realize that a
few days prior I had written a prayer to God, saying "please show
me how powerful you are and teach me to trust you." Also, I had
just gotten finished writing about how when I was in the bathtub,
afraid for my life, all I could say eventually was "I trust you,
I trust you.." I've got to say, be careful what you ask for!

God is amazing. I can hardly believe he actually pays attention
to what I pray sometimes, but I tell you, I think if I paid closer
attention I would see stuff like this all over. You know, He
really does hear our prayers, and He really is wonderful to show
bits of Himself to us, even though it is overwhelming to us.

Seven's a good number. I'll stop here.

I hope you are well. Take care and keep seeking the Lord. He
is good.

My soul is starting to wake up, come back to life,
blossom, bubble, froth and etc.

Not that it was necessarily dead, dull or stagnant before,
but there is something that happens when it gets warmer
outside, and it is happening to me, bit by bit.

It has been a long winter. It's starting to break up.
I wrote an entire song yesterday, which, though formulaic,
I am quite fond of. 2 verses, chorus and bridge in tact, and
it is called "Recovering." It was one of those songs born out
of necessity. I needed to express it at that moment and it
helped me to work through some tough emotions.

I'm also working on several more directly faith related songs.
Lisa feels more at peace with herself when she is writing songs...
or when she is in love. Silly Lisa. Preferably both. But for now,
writing songs will have to do. : ) Thank God for his peace and
presence even in the midst of turmoil in the brain and black
prickles in the soul. Man, I am so glad He is a Merciful God.
I can be so impatient, emotional, and much too quick to forget
all that I am blessed with in Christ.

I hope you are feeling at peace and are doing those things (prayer
and the Word are implied) that make you satisfied in your Spirit
and at peace. I really hope that for anyone who reads this.

God bless.

Just want to say "Hi" to you
because YOU ARE SPECIAL. Yes you.

Lisa is doing well. Lisa is on Spring Break.
Lisa is eating good food in Lincoln and hanging
out with family for a few days before going back
to Lawrence to finish out the break.

My sister Maralee is an amazing woman. If you
want to know why I'm writing this, well, just
know that she has gone through some not so
fun times and is still surviving and trusting in
God. Need I say more? I think not. She is doing
good though. I talked to her this afternoon and
her body is on the mend from her surgery (don't
worry, she'll be just fine).

BYE!

Want to know a thought from my head? It is a special thought.
You see, sometimes I get sad sad SAD and think about things
that I don't understand and wish for what is not here, not now.

However, this realization is starting to make its way further and
further into my soul, and that is this: the world is SO much bigger
then me and God's purposes are being accomplished all over the
world. I want in on that action. I don't want to waste time ho-
humming about being alone again. I'm not really alone.

So, upward and onward. I really mean that. It's not some kind of,
"I don't need a man" cliche. It's not about that, 'cause truth be told,
I think I kind of do need a man. But that is something that God, in
his sovereignty, has not seen fit to fulfill in my life at this point.
And it is ok. He knows best.

I am slowly beginning to form my thoughts again and write some
songs. But I will need additional time to finish and polish them up.
I'll probably have to wait till summer to really dig in. Things are quite
busy. But in my heart, God has made a way for me to find rest and
peace. Thank you, Savior.

Today in church we talked about Christian unity on matters that are
grey and not capitalizing on differences that are not foundational. I
am a fan of this. I'm glad people have their opinions, I am just of the
opinion that it is so hard to know everything and it is healthy to allow
for yourself to be wrong on many things - just not on the foundation of
Christ and His work on the cross and a few other major tenants of the
faith.

I hope you are doing well. I am most likely praying for you as you come
to mind. I'm trying to be more intentional in my prayer life lately. I do
believe it matters. God really does hear, and it also helps my own heart
in its caring for things outside of my own little world. I want to live a life
so much bigger then what I can live on my own. Teach me Lord. Teach
all of us who are seeking you, Lord. Show us what it means to know you,
to follow you, to love you supremely, above all others. For this does not
imply that we do not love those in our life; it implies that we love them
exponentially more then we could on our own, because we love You the
most, and are becoming more like the one who laid down his life for the
sake of sinners.

"Well I pledge my head to heaven for the gospel
and I ask no man on earth to fill my needs
Like the sparrow up above I am enveloped in his love
And I trust him like those little ones he feeds"

--Keith Green, "I Pledge My Head to Heaven"

I am enjoying Jason Upton and The Innocence Mission these days for
music and a book on Nordoff-Robbins music therapy and one on St.
Francis (and the book of Jeremiah) for reading.

I am pale and poor,
but Thou, O Lord,
are my strength and my song.
Please help the hopeless
and strengthen the faint.
Send your Spirit once again
to a dark and frozen land.

Lord, like the Israelites who were exiled and made to serve the
King of Babylon, help me to bare up under the yoke that you see
fit to place on me. For in all truth, your yoke is easy and your
burden is light.

You are GENTLE and HUMBLE in heart. Dear Lord, thank you for
your words of life.

Here is another amazing, life-giving verse that has been recently
been brought to my attention:

"Now when a man works, his wages are not credited to him as a gift,
but as an obligation. HOWEVER, to the man who does not work but
trusts God who justifies the wicked, his faith is credited to as
righteousness."
--Romans 4:4-5

I want to dig in and try to better understand what this verse is saying.
It almost sounds like it is wrong to work for righteousness, but I think
it is speaking more to the attitude of the heart. Indeed, many times it
feels like work to try and conform our minds and lives to the image of
Christ, but I think the verse is saying that if we are trusting in ourselves
and our own capabilities to earn this righteousness, we will actually
incur debt upon ourselves instead of grace.

I am so thankful that it is not about my ability to work and attain my own
righteousness. Thank you, dear Lord.

Just so you know, some things in my life are changing. It seems I have yet
to arrive at a true sense of who I am and exactly where I am going. But I
know that on the deepest level, I do know who I am, and it is only
important that God knows where things are going. I trust him, no matter
what happens.

I am doing well. I am feeling stable, praise God. Everything will be
gloriously wonderful as long as I keep trusting in God to guide me.
I am thankful for new opportunities to analyze the nature and course
of my inner life.

And now, it's time to do some HOMEWORK!! (I only have a limited amount
of semesters left to enjoy this wonderful thing called homework... so here
I go, enjoying every second of it... even if through gritted teeth!)

Oh, and HI MARALEE!! Love you.

Renee said my blog was exhausting her. I'll try to keep off the
Catholic thing this time, ok? : )

We had a snow day today. Wonderful.

I am saddened to hear about the tornadoes in the South.
I pray that those families and communities will pull
together and find grace to rebuild their lives.

I had the day off from school and lessons. And tonight, I
just want to send this out into the web universe: I am THANKFUL.

I have spoken to God lately about my changefulness - it is what
I struggle with from time to time. It is both a strength and a
weakness. Sometimes I am blown around like a leaf and I long
to be so much more substantial.

Thanks to God, I am growing into a more substantial, grounded
person. Tonight I am so thankful for this realization. It is because
of Christ in me. How I need to keep growing in his love!

Lisa is doing well. Lisa hopes you are too. I encourage you to think
about what it is you really want out of life, deep down, and go after
it with all your heart, in humility and thankfulness.

Here's to increased selflessness, prayer, love, and a passion for
learning more about the Holy One, who is both the source of light and
a beautiful mystery. Oh, and I am learning more about the life of
St. Francis these days. Very inspiring.

Thoughts of the day:

Honestly.

I don't know how anyone even lives sometimes.

Anyone who seriously believes that knowing the Truth
in all circumstances is an easy matter is very much not
like me.

I'm not saying it is always hard to know the Truth, as the
Holy Spirit does guide in this matter, but when you really
think hard about things like Catholicism vs. Protestantism,
not just on a theological level, but on interpersonal and
historical levels as well, the truth is anything but clear.

For instance, I am reading this book about the Reformation
and about the "stepchildren" of the Reformation who were
"anti-sacralists," meaning that they were opposed to any
form of coercion when it comes to bringing people into the
Christian faith. Apparently the post-Constantinian Catholic
church and even the Protestant church believed that
government and church were to be bound up so that people
were forced to be a part of the Christian church.

So my parents are supposedly in this "anti-sacralist" camp.
They firmly believe (especially my dad) that no one should be
coerced into the faith, even if by doing so they may later
become true Christians, as Augustine and others argued.

But my father happens to be married to a women, my dear mom,
who seems to believe very much in coercion, at least the verbal
kind. She and my dad have at times been radically coercive, in my
opinion, in the way they have treated the matter of me dating a
Catholic. It scares them to death and they have not thought twice
about sitting the whole family down to interrogate me concerning
how in the world I could have the nerve to do such a heretical thing.

I'm not trying to criticize, only emphasize the complexity of all of these
things in my mind. I do not doubt for a second that my family loves
and cares about me, and I respect them as Christians.

And then there's my Catholic boyfriend, the most non-coercive man
I've ever known. He does not argue or try to convert me. And he always
listens when I need someone to just understand how hard it is to have
these intensely draining conversations with my mom who is trying
desperately to save me from what she sees as my impending doom, when
I'm just trying to live my life as best I can before God. He just listens,
sympathizes, and answers my tireless questions as I am grasping for
the common ground I once felt we had before my very character was
questioned and scrutinized and the flaws of the Catholic church were
set to blaze under a microscope like no other.

And the Catholic church today, at least as it exists in the U.S., doesn't even
believe in coercion. They mince no words about believing that they are the
one true church (not that those outside cannot be saved, but that they
have the most effective tools for spiritual growth), but they no longer try
to convert people by any form of coercion, or at least, not that I am aware
of.

Still, when it comes down to it, I'm not comfortable with the theology that
says you have to take part in Catholic forms and traditions to possess the
deepest spirituality, and to experience the fullness of the Christian faith,
whatever that exactly means. They believe that they have these special
spiritual tools, like the exact way that they offer the Eucharist, and their
wording of the belief that it is the real body and blood of Jesus, and that
you must be a part of these things and beliefs in order to be the most fully
Christian that a person can be.

You know, I would really like to be as fully Christian as a person can be.
I just don't know that it is about a certain doctrinal statement or a
specific tool or form of worship. I think that once ANY denomination
starts believing that they own the tools needed for spiritual growth,
then they are deceiving themselves and the truth is not in them. Not
that they can't have elements of the truth, but they have lost sight of
the heart of the matter, which is faith in Christ and a commitment to
his Word, his body, and his service. I don't think the Catholic church
owns these things. They were the first ministers of these things, back
in the day, but I think they get off track when they fail to realize that
God is not bound by any organization, countless centuries old or not.

These are my thoughts on the matter at present. The only thing I really
feel confident about these days is that right living is not a simple matter.
But then I suppose that living without a care about godliness would be
much harder in the long run. I'll accept this lot, and gladly, because I
do believe that my gracious, compassionate Savior is leading me by the
hand, though I walk through the shadows of this dark and beautiful night.

Lord, help me fear no evil. You are with me. Forgive me my sins and have
mercy on me, a sinner.

On a lighter note, my semester is going alright. Had my first practicum
with the adults with developmental disabilities last night. I did ok, but my
supervisor stepped in and helped me out 'cause my therapeutic ship was
going down fast. But I'm learning a lot about how music can be used to
help people. Man, did it ever help me this morning! : ) I'm crazy with the
songs. Didn't write any this morning, but played through some oldies
that expressed what I was feeling. I'm getting my moneys worth out of
those tunes! Yeah, mine and no one else's, haha.

Been contemplating going on a recording rampage and getting a lot of
these songs down on file. We'll see if I find the time.

I really hope you're doing well. Let me know if there is anything in your
brain that you think I should know about. I hope all of these thoughts
aren't too out of line, and the last thing that I want is to come off like
I think I know anything. I hope my comments about my family were not
disrespectful, because that would be betraying my true feelings about them.

A big THANK YOU to:

Mark, Renee, Abby, and JJ for leaving insightful comments that
have aided me in my blogging/thinking on Catholicism.

My search is really only just beginning and I'm really enjoying
this process presently. I would continue to appreciate any
insights or comments anyone wants to offer.

John and I are moving forward and talking a ton. I'll leave it
at that for now. : )

Next order of business (besides a full semester up and running):

Research Vatican II and Council of Trent.

Also: generally live out my Christian faith, and specifically, trust
that Jesus really is the light of the world (John 8:12).

OK, so here's where I am right now. I have come to appreciate
much in the Catholic church, but I am not at the point of being
comfortable with accepting it as an active force in my own life.

I am praying, I am waiting, should further clarity be granted.

But for right now, I stumbled upon this:

A Psalm of Life
by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Tell me not in mournful numbers,
"Life is but an empty dream!"
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
"Dust thou art, to dust returnest,"
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each tomorrow
Find us farther than today.

Art is long, and time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world's broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no future, howe'er pleasant!
Let the dead past bury its dead!
Act, act in the living present!
Heart within and God o'erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time.

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o'er life's solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.

In times of confusion and turmoil, let us all turn to God and trust,
like Longfellow, that we were created for more than the grave.

There is still hope.

Insights from Pastor Bill:

Catholics are a highly eclectic group of people,
loosely unified in name, practice, and because of
the Pope. As far as the beliefs and theologies held
by the various individuals, the Catholic church is
extremely diverse. Some are hard-core with
Pergatory, Penance, and hold fast to the immaculate
conception of Mary and her sinlessness. And others
are far less enthusiastic about these practices and
beliefs, holding them only loosely, and with uncertainty.

IF I ever became a Catholic, I would be extremely on
the latter side, what John refers to as a "Cafeteria Catholic"
who sort of picks and chooses the doctrines they like.

However, I don't see that ever happening. The issues above,
as well as the claim that they are the "one true church" do
not sit well with me. Pergatory and Penance seem to diminish
the work of Christ, and I have been impacted by far too many
non-Catholic Christians to believe that "the true Church" only
exists in Catholic circles.

Pastor Bill also pointed out that there may be SOME parallel
between the good-intentioned Judaizers who took the law
of God and detailed and codified it so much, in order to keep
from breaking it, that they ended up loosing its original intent
and became the Pharisees that Jesus rebuked. They were so
careful to keep the law that they lost their faith in God.

I can see that tendency or risk at the Catholic church. But I
would not go so far as to say that if you are Catholic you will
definitely fall into this trap. I don't think it is inevitable, just
a risk.

At the same time Pastor Bill pointed out the tendency of
Protestants to forget that "faith without works is dead." We
run the risk of emphasizing the difference between justification
and sanctification SO MUCH that we slack off in our church
attendance, confession of our sins, living sacrificially, and
giving to the needy. These are all aspects of the Christian
life that Catholics emphasize and probably do a better job
at overall, with some exceptions of course.

So there are harmful tendencies on both sides to watch out
for. But which church has more of the truth? Honestly, I
don't even know if this question matters. I think we have
the responsibility to answer this question to the best of our
ability, but I don't think we need to worry too much.

I think a more important question then which church is the
best church is how can I be laying down my life in order to
live in Christ? Or maybe: Which church do I feel God has
called me, or is calling me to? What church is helping me
to know and to love God more, be more committed to His
Word and His body of believers, to honor Christ my Lord,
and to really live out what I believe?

These are just more thoughts from me to you. I offer them
with a lot of humility because I know that I know so little.
But I am trying to honestly think through these things in
order to come to a decision about whether or not I could
marry a Catholic; a decision that I can have peace in my
own heart about before God. This is a very tricky thing
when you have strong forces pulling you in two different
directions. But ultimately, it's not about either of those
horizontal directions, but the one vertical one.

Thank you for all who have been praying for me. I need
and appreciate that more than you could ever know.

I think I am coming to a point of decision, or at least, to
a new point in my thought processes. Please let me know
any thoughts or comments that you feel led to share with me.
I am still very interested, though I admit I could never go back
to believing that it is extremely difficult to be a Catholic and
to be a true, growing Christian. I know too many of those now.

More thoughts:

Isaiah 55:7-8 says,
"'Let the wicked forsake his way
and the evil man his thoughts.
Let him turn to the Lord, and he
will have mercy on him,
and to our God, for he will FREELY
PARDON.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,'
declares the Lord.
'As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow come down from
heaven, and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seek for the sower and
bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.'"

As I read this passage today, since this is where I am in
my long-standing quest to read through the whole Bible
on my own (I'm slowly but surely getting there), I was
struck with several things in light of my current quest
to understanding Catholicism.

First of all, it continues to become more and more clear
to me that God only requires us to turn to Him for forgiveness
of sin and that a Priest is not needed for this. This is actually
the Catholic stance as well as I have come to understand it.
I think they would say that the Priest is merely a human
representative who will freely pardon whatever the offense that
is confessed, in order to allow the sinner to hear the words of
God ("Your sins are forgiven") from an audible voice.

I can see how this might be of benefit. However, I would want
it made very clear that the Priest was not the one forgiving the
sin, because only God can forgive our sin, in Christ.

The Catholic claim (see "Catholic Christianity" by Peter Kreeft)
is that "There can be no forgiveness without Christ," but that
the church was given the authority to forgive sins, through
Christ, and it is only because of Christ that they have this authority.

They claim that John 20:21-22 is an indication of this authority
being given to the church. ("'As the Father has sent me, I am
sending you.' And with that he breathed on them and said,
'Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive anyone his sins, they
are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.'")

It is just interesting to me how different of an outlook Catholics
have then Evangelical Protestants. I think that as and Evangelical
Protestant I was taught that the Bible is the Word of God, and that
the Word of God (meaning primarily actual physical words on a
page) exists only in the pages and the stories of Scripture.

It seems to me that Catholics have more of an understanding of
the Word as being both a physical Word and also something
Incarnational--the Word made flesh. This seems to be applied
in the Isaiah passage above. They also seem to see the Scriptures
as a foundation and a starting point for that Word. They do not
see the working of that Word as ending with the last word of
Revelation, but seem to see verses like John 20:21-22 as a
starting point of something that would continue to be a working
out of that Word by the church in the ages after those words of
Jesus were spoken.

So I guess what I'm wondering is, what if they are right? Or at
least, what if they are not all wrong? What if as the church of
Christ, we have been given the authority to forgive sins, through
Christ. What if we are supposed to confess them, and not just
in a casual, haphazard way, but intentionally, in order to restore
the relationships in the body of Christ by recognizing the effects
of sin on the body, and confessing those sins to the church authority?

Yes, God freely forgives the repentant one. But what if there is a
sense in which the vehicle of his forgiveness is now the church,
who forgives in the name of Christ?

And what if Protestant churches have this authority as well, they
are just working it out in a less formalized, ritualized fashion
by confessing sins one to another? Maybe the Catholic church
is limiting God by saying that it has to be done in a certain way
in order for it to be effectual.

And yet, if this is the case, then the Catholic church is in no way
injuring the truth of Scriptures by taking this verse seriously and
by formalizing this process of freely receiving God's grace.

I don't think it is all that much different from what Protestants do,
or at least, what they are supposed to do. We are supposed to be
confessing our sins to each other within our church bodies. How
exactly that is to be done is not explicitly stated in Scripture. But
I'm not sure I can fault the Catholics for taking the matter seriously,
so long as their constituents do not misunderstand from whom that
forgiveness is freely coming (from God, because of Christ).

Alright, those are my thoughts for today. Any comments? Anyone
still reading? : )

Two posts in one day?! I know it is a rarity, but I am
having some crazy explosive thoughts. I would
really appreciate the chance to have people who know
and care about me read the thoughts I'm having, both
so that they may be aware, and so that, if they think I'm
going off the deep end, they might be able to steer me
back on course or express concerns.

I am meeting with my Pastor Bill tomorrow to discuss
some of these thoughts as well, so rest assured that I
am actively seeking guidance for these newfound thoughts.

OK, so here they are as they stand today.

In my initial assessment of Catholicism, one of my main
concerns was the fact that it seemed to be very limiting
of God. It seemed to me that the traditions that they
required their constituents to adhere to were very binding
and that their exclusion of other denominations because
they did not have these same traditions (the specific way
they conduct the Eucharist, as well as the belief they have
that it is the real body and blood of Christ, miraculously,
as well as things like confession) was also limiting, and
even heretical.

However, after talking to one real, live Catholic Priest, I
have come to find that the current Catholic stance is not
that Protestants do not have real, saving faith, but that they
are not experiencing the fullness of Christianity, by rejecting
many Holy traditions handed down from the early church
fathers, which are vehicles of God's grace. They do not claim
that these vehicles are necessary for salvation, for they do not
presume to know how God's grace is applied to the world, they
only hold that one can experience the fullness of Christianity
through the Catholic church's teachings and traditions.

I am not going to say I agree with the above paragraph, because
I have only just begun this quest, and I know many non-Catholic
Christians who I believe are experiencing a very full Christianity,
to the best of my understanding, myself included. But I will say
that I am beginning to consider their claims in a new light.

What if it is not necessarily the Catholic church that is the more
limiting institution, but it is my upbringing that is more limiting,
with its insistence that the whole of Truth is contained in the
pages of the Bible, and any additional instructions or structures
that were held by the early church and were modified and
codified through many centuries by faithful Christians are not
only unnecessary, but detrimental to one's understanding of God?

Is it not limiting of an incomprehensible God to say what He can
and cannot use and what the vehicles of His Grace can and
cannot be? Can "through faith in Christ" be expressed just as
fully by partaking of Eucharistic bread and believing in the
indwelling power of Christ in that moment and beyond as when
it is expressed by a Protestant's more generalized belief that
Christ dwells within?

There are many forms and theologies surrounding Christianity.
Is it not limiting of God when one encounters true believers
of a different form or theology who show the fruit of hearts
that confess Jesus as Lord to dismiss the fact that God very well
may be working in their lives through a different vehicle of the
same, transforming Grace?

I am not claiming one vehicle's effectiveness over another, I am
only wondering whether or not God may credit the faith of a
Catholic when he partakes of the Eucharist or when he confesses
his sins to a Priest (not to receive the free forgiveness of God,
but to acknowledge the fact of his sin's effect on the other
people in his church body), as righteousness, just as he did to
Abraham, and just as he does for me when I believe in my heart
that God forgives me in Christ and I seek to restore my relationships.

I am wondering about this: if both Catholics and Protestants put
their utmost faith in Christ to bridge the gap between them and the
Father, and both seek Spirit-filled communities where not only
is the Word of God heard and expounded upon and bread is
broken together, but also real life sharing and fellowship takes
place, then do the different outward expressions of that same
faith in Christ really cause us to have a different standing before
God?

If indeed Catholics place Holy Scriptures higher than Holy Traditions
of the church, in light of the fact that those traditions were formed
in order to complement and implement the very truths of Scripture,
then are not Catholics and Protestants more alike then some of us
would like to admit?

I know some of these may seem like big "ifs" to those who have
negative impressions of the Catholic church, just as some
Catholics are skeptical of the Protestant's lack of faith in the
miraculous mystery that takes place when one partakes of the
communion bread, but I share these thoughts because, after
talking with a Catholic Priest at length and asking questions, I
have found those "ifs" becoming less and less weighty in my mind.

I am finding that the Catholic expression of faith looks different
from my own, but it is, I believe, essentially the same faith. Those
forms and traditions which I had been told were binding and
enslaving, I am coming to find from the mouths of Bible believing,
Christ centered Catholics, are not enslaving, but are freeing and
liberating to the Catholic who understands them accurately.

If those forms and traditions accentuate the truths of Scripture
to those who correctly understand them, is it not limiting of me
to doubt God's ability to powerfully use the vehicle of the Catholic
church to train up committed followers of Christ?

These are all thoughts and questions I am grappling with. It is my
greatest desire not to be blinded or led into error, but to be receptive
to Truth and upholding of God's glory. I pray that He will work in me
and in my thoughts. I would appreciate any comments or concerns
that anyone feels led to share with me, especially the comments of
those who have ever had significant encounters with Catholicism as
it exists today. I think a lot of things can vary from church to church,
but I want to try and understand the tenants of their beliefs as well as
the hearts and lives of specific Catholics.

Whew! Crazy stuff. I never would have guessed a year ago that I would
be on this track AT ALL. But, despite the unsettling nature of it at times,
I am glad to be here.

"What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing
greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost
all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found
in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law,
but that which is through faith in Christ--the righteousness that comes
from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his
resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming
like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection
from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made
perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took
hold of me."

--Philippians 3:8-12

I feel like updating, but I don't feel like talking about
myself. Hmmm... I guess I'll just warm up to it.

I like my friend Renee. We got to hang out a little over the
break. She is a very exuberant person. Always has been,
always will be.

I like my friend Abby. We had a long conversation a week
or so ago, and though she is facing some challenges, she
continues on in hope. I need to remember to keep praying.
I believe there is a great job with health benefits out there
waiting for her. God is good and will always help us when
we humble ourselves and pray.

I like my mom. We have had some rough conversations as
well as good times over the break and even a few days ago.
Same goes for my dad. I like him too. I'm afraid I am causing
them some grief over some thoughts in my head sparked by
my boyfriend and the pursuit of understanding Catholicism
more thoroughly.

Speaking of Catholicism, I had my first ever meeting with a
Priest last weekend when I went to Wichita to visit John. We
met with Father Tatro and let me tell you, it was a lot different
then I thought it would be. I had some questions about
Apostolic Succession, Oral Traditions and Confession. And
while the dialoguing that went on did not put away all my
reservations, it gave me some very interesting food for
thought. I really appreciated not only what he had to say, but
the way that he said it. He was in no way pushy while at the
same time stating his beliefs.

And so the journey continues. I cannot explain how much I
love my John. My respect and love for him continue to soar
as we become better and better friends with more and more
bonds of shared memories and laughter. And most definitely,
the falling in love part has also been deepening.

We practiced songs together last weekend in the practice room
at Wichita State. That was so much fun. Singing and playing music
together has got to be one of the most bonding things ever. We
are also reading a lot together, from the Bible, as well as a book
on St. Francis, a book on the early church fathers, one on being
Catholic, as well as snippets from a Dallas Willard book and many
others.

I like John. I like just being with him, doing most anything, or not
much of anything. I like cooking with him, being goofy with him,
talking with him, crying with him, I almost even like fighting with
him. Hmm... I'm gonna have to think on that one. But I do like
how the strength of our relationship seems to grow after we
have those conflict-laden moments.

But most of all, and those of you who know me probably saw this
coming, I love God. I want to know more of Him this year, and I
want more than anything for Him to be the one leading me on.
I don't see myself ever converting to Catholicism (I'm not one
for ruling things out entirely until I'm positive), but I pray that
while I learn and ponder many things I have never pondered
before, that God will keep me safe and close to His heart as I
trust in Him with every faltering step I take in my search for
unity with this man. I believe with all of my heart that John is
a wonderful Christian man whose path up till recently has looked
quite different than my own. But those differences add dimensions
to our relationship that are causing us to think more deeply about
what it means to be a true Christian.

I thank all of you who have been a part of this journey with me, in
whatever capacity. I really appreciate the love, concern, care and
support that I have been shown by my family and my friends.

I will keep you updated on all of this as time goes on.

I am looking forward to starting my fourth semester of grad.
school this Thursday. I've got a full roster of piano lessons and
a few music concerts booked already (one in Wichita with John,
one in Lawrence, also with John), so it is looking to be a great
semester.

I pray that all who read this will be encouraged to seek after a
deeper understanding of who our great God is, however it is
that He leads each one of us to do so, and to share that journey
with each other. He is so awesome, but at the same time, so
willing to stoop down to meet us where we are, no matter where
we are. I believe in His mercy and goodness with all of my heart.

Let us commit our hearts, minds, and all the members of our
body to Him, to be used for His purposes and to bring Him glory
this coming year. What a privilege to serve and be used of Him!
We have the ministry of reconciliation. May we find our joy and
fulfillment within this ministry given by Christ.

Turns out that sometimes when you're attempting to get your
masters degree in music therapy, you don't have time for
inspiring and deeply personal blog posts.

My apologies. I'm sure you've survived without them...somehow.
haha.

So I'm alive and well and studying hard. Actually, I am lots better
then average...because I find myself very much in love, and real
happy about that. Yeah, do you remember the Catholic, songwriting
man? He apparently has staying power. Lots of staying power. He
is such a blessing to me and I can't begin to say how much I love him.
So I'm just going to leave it at that, ok? : )

I will just say this much. John and I have some differences and it's not
that things are just so perfectly easy all the time, but honestly, I have so
much faith in the character and heart of this man, and I am just blown
away that he is really in my life and really in love with me too. He is
very good at communicating that to my heart in ways I understand. That
counts for a lot. I could go on and on...but I will leave it be.

I hope you are well. Christmas is fast approaching. But first....two more
crucial weeks of school.

Thanks for hanging in there with my blog.

How can I explain all that I'm feeling? I simply cannot.
But that never stopped me from trying before.

I drew a picture that filled up two pages in my journal last
night 'cause words aren't seeming to do the trick lately.

What is it? How can I verbalize it? Hmmm... it isn't quite
there yet.

Let's pause for a commercial break for my upcoming research
project. While researching (I'm not quite sure what my exact
topic is yet...that's what I'm currently researching...) I ran accross
this quote:

"there would be no need for music if it were possible to communicate
verbally that which is easily communicated musically."

Emotions can be so complex, but it drives us to try and find new ways
of representing them. Music, art, literature....that's just a starting point.
Cooking, knitting, exercising, you name it. It's all a cleverly disguised
way for different people to get out or "express' their emotions. Think
about THAT next time you see some macho man jogging down the street.
He is indeed a complex and deeply emotional being, just expressing it
in sweat and sculpted physique instead of notes in your ear or multi-
syllabic words for your brain or colors and shapes for your eyes.

Maybe?

OK, back to what I'm feeling.... Ummm... maybe not.
I mean, there are many layers to these things. On one level, I'm mildly
stressed out in general about upcoming assignments for school. On
the next level I'm processing the ever changing jumble of thoughts
concerning what type of guy I really would be best suited for. Current
status of thought: don't know, except I do know he needs to be somewhat
of an emotional type of guy. None of this non-emotional, completely
logical and rational at all times business. He needs to have the ability to
control his emotions, yes, but he has to not use that ability when it comes
to me. I need emotional, genuine, passionate, all that jazz.

Too much information for you? Sorry. Welcome to my blog.

Oh! And I should mention (for anyone still reading), I have a myspace
artist page. So if you want to hear some songs by me, it's at:
www.myspace.com/lisaenns.

Alright. Now for the deepest level. Despite anything else I'm feeling, here's
the bottom line: I trust God. And you know what? That is such a great
feeling!! Seriously, I don't know how he's brought me here, but I'm faced
with the reality that he has. No matter what happens, I really do trust Him
and am not worried.

I find that absolutely amazing, even to write and to read out loud to myself
and to realize that it really is true. I trust my Savior, my Creator, my God.

I trust His ability to forgive and to cleanse me from my sin. I trust His
ability to make me less like Lisa and more like Jesus. I trust Him to guide
me to the place that I can best shine for and be used by Him.

So thank you, God. Some days I may not feel it as easily as today, but I hope
you always know and always bring me back to the place where I just say,
"I love you. I trust you."

And how are YOU feeling today?

I have made it through half of this crazy semester.
Phew!
AND, I had an awesome experience playing a concert of
original music last Friday at "Signs of Life" coffeehouse.
My friend Tai let me borrow his guitar, and people
actually showed up, and Tai and two others played some
guest spots (really great) during my breaks....and it was
just way cool.

Tai played some songs, one about a baby who's found in the
forrest who is destined to grow up and write a song that will
end all wars.

Another guy busted out some beautiful piano tunage.

The other guy sang and played the guitar for his original song,
"The School Teaching Blues," which was hil-ar-i-ous!

Then I had to write this paper on ADHD and music therapy. That
was good, but then I had to go to the chiropractor 'cause my back
was MESSED up after all that excitement and bending over reading, etc.

And now it is fall break. I'm gonna still be busy pretty much till the
end of the semester, but I plan to take a break for Thanksgiving and
go home.

I don't have too much time for deep thoughts these days (SAD), but I'm
surviving, and I count that as success enough. 23 piano lessons a week
plus school and a tiny bit of a social life is way enough for Lisa.

Rudy's Pizzeria and then Aimee's coffeehouse with Naomi last night was
super fun! She was all hyped up on sugar, but we had some good
conversation and goofiness. Then movies and drinks at Phoebe's was
fun later that night. I like having good friends. I like living in Lawrence.

I like you.
Hope you are well. I'm sure you're keeping busy, you go-getter, you. : )

Hum a little tune, dance a little dance, smile a little smile for me.
Oh, what a smile.

Oh, and read some Proverbs if you get a chance! It is GOOD stuff.
Proverbs says to work hard, seek out wisdom, and stay away from
evildoers and the adultress woman. Fear God, and all will be well.

OK, sad story of the day:

So I had just gotten through a rough day of two intensive
classes, one of which was a killer exam. I then go to teach
five lessons. All is going fine.

In comes the sadness.

This sweet, cute little girl that I just adore, turns to me in
the middle of the lesson and says, "You don't have a ring.
Are you not married?"
"No."
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
"No, I don't."
"So...nobody likes you?"

This is the part where I want to say, "OK, give me a minute.
I'm going to go cry and then we can finish our lesson."

But no. I just explain that lots of people like me, I just don't
have a boyfriend. I know she didn't mean it like it sounded.
She is just a blunt little girl.

Anyways, it was kind of a funny/sad story I just thought you might
get a kick out of. Hahaha, Lisa is having a "Man, I feel pathetic"
moment. hilarious.

All that aside, I'm doing great. I talked to my friend Phoebe tonight
and she told me she likes me, haha. AND we're going to hang out
tomorrow night, maybe drink some Brazilian lemonade, maybe go
to the Jazzhaus.

Life is good. Sometimes I just have little "OK, it's time to cry" moments.
I've come to realize though that it really has little to do with the
circumstances of my life. It's more just like the story of being me.
I guess we all have those moments, yes?

But school is going well. Practicum is going well. I am formulating this
theory that I want to do my research project on about how music is a
mood/motivation regulator and that more emotional people are drawn
to music and creative expression because it is actually a form of
regulating their tumultuous emotions. Can I hear an Amen from all
my emotional sistas and brothas holdin' down steady jobs? Is it not
da truth? Don't lie to me now.

mmmm....k, oh! and guess what else? My research prof. keeps telling
me I am smart, and I am having this little moments in my days where
I say to myself, "You are smart," and I'm almost starting to believe it!
I mean, I know I'm a bright enough cookie, but I've never really thought
I was the brightest cookie in the jar, or even one of the top ten.

But maybe I am the fifth brightest cookie in the jar. Maybe I am smart!

mmmm...we'll hold on that one. Tomorrow I'm likely to do something
stupid and blow that theory. haha. Oh, well. Maybe not. Maybe I just
became smart but I haven't figured it out yet.

What is smart anyway? I'm kind of a deep thinker. I'll be smart in that
way. I'll leave the other ways alone though, so those genious people
(you know who you are) can hold us all to a higher standard.

Alright, enough of this smartness business. You don't have time to read
all this!!! Go, live your life!! Be smart!! Own your smartness!!

One last thought: If you feel like you don't understand what God is doing
in or with your life, think on this - God wants bigger and deeper things
for us then we want for ourselves. So sometimes it's uncomfortable
'cause he's making us bigger and deeper Christians with bigger and
deeper experiences that we don't always enjoy. But just let him do it
because he's molding us into pots and jars that will hold more water
in the end.

Dear Lord, I may be a little sad sometimes, a little slow sometimes, but
mold me anyway. Thank you. I know I don't deserve your love.