I feel like being really honest, but I probably
will fall very short, perhaps subconciously on
purpose.

Do you know what can be hard? Being an
emotion-driven person at your core, but
also not trusting your emotions.

I'm so idealistic. But I look out of my own
eyes, and that's how I see the world. I see
it as a place with so many unkonwns that,
unless you strive for perfection, you will
probably never even find something half-
way decent. But, if you hold out long
enough, and do everything just right, then
life can be beautiful, exciting, and full.

But what if I'm fooing myself?
What if my idealism is falsley grounded?
Is it a bit humanistic, perhaps, to believe
that I can find some "perfect" life if I just
strive hard enough?

Thea Kronborg from "Song of the Lark"
is a fictional character, but I think she
and I share a few things. I, however,
have many more flaws and weaknesses
than she. She is the idealized one. She
was driven by an intense desire to be
every ounce of the person that she was
capable of being. She sacrificed all else
for the sake of finding that ideal. But in
the end...well, I don't know the end yet.
I've been putting off reading the last
chapter. I don't know why really. Just
have. But I suspect she won't find true
meaning in all her success.

I don't want my desire for perfection to
get in the way of finding a meaningful
life. Neither do I want to sacrifice my
idealism for a road that leads somewhere
I never would have wanted to go down.


I'm just trying to be honest at the end of
a task-filled Saturday. It's technically
tomorrow, but I've only now gotten to
the core of what was driving me all over
town today. I'm confused. I still don't
really know what I want. But how am I
ever going to find out?

I think I'm just tired. Maybe? I should just
go to sleep. Who knows, maybe by morning
something will have clicked together in my
head. That happens sometimes. God helps
us out a lot with that thing called sleep.

Dear God, I thought 23 would feel older. Is it
ok if I hold onto idealism? Can I hope to attain
even a shred of it in this life, or is it all for the
life to come? If so, could you please help me
in this "just getting by"? Could you fill it and
make it somehow more full and alive, and
infuse it with meaning. Maybe then I could
deal with it not being perfect. Yeah, that's
the kind of life I want. Not perfect, but
meaningful despite this temporary blindness.

Someday I will know Truth as clearly as if seeing
it with my own eyes.

For tonight, this is as honest as I know how to be.

God, forgive me, forgive us, for setting our sights
too low or too high. Help us to see and to not
get trapped by trying too hard or not hard enough
to be perfect, like You. Just let us know You more.
Help us live as dead to our flesh, but alive in Christ.

(Have you missed my confused and distraught
posts? Well then, this one's for you. Seriously
though, I'm good.)

It's been a while. Brace yourself. (many words to follow)

I've been journaling a lot lately, but I like to let my entries
sit for a while before I decide what's worth posting publicly.
I don't think I could use this as my journal. I'm not that
mature (or is it just brave or willing to be vulnerable) yet.
But really, I'm pretty much an open book, in general.

Here's my hope: to teach lots of piano lessons this
summer so that maybe I'll just have to get a part time job
doing something else. Also, to find someone to respond
to my add in the paper and take over my lease so I can
move in with Naomi come August.

Presently, God has not moved either of these two things
into place, despite my many flyers and such. So this is
where I, as one who has Faith in Him, say, "God, I'm
looking forward to seeing how you're going to work
this all out in the best possible way," and then I don't
worry. I'm trying. I'm trusting.

Oh, here's a list of CD's I really wish I could buy, but I'm
going to refrain for now, in favor of things like rent.

1. Kris Delmhorst (randomly discovered her lately, and
she is so great! I like her style)
2. Sergiu Luca (violinist - playing Bach. Beautiful)
3. Nickel Creek - "Why Should the Fire Die"
4. Eva Cassidy - "Eva By Heart"
5. Lyle Lovett - "I Love Everybody"
6. Ben Taylor Band (have heard a few songs that I
like)
7. Taylor Sorensen
8. Rosie Thomas
9. Pedro the Lion
10. Bob Dylan (one of his more recent ones - I just
have two of his older ones)

Ah, what a better CD collection I would have...but I
guess I will wait. I will have a bit more money after
the Spring Show (I'm playing the synthesizer parts
for West Jr. High's Spring Show, which is a lot like
the Rock Show from Northeast High School days.)

I've been reading some Dietrich Bonhoeffer lately.
Wow, it's great. A lot of it makes me think of lectures
from the much esteemed Dr. Bob (Wetmore) of Toccoa
Falls College. I know he liked Bonhoeffer. Here's a
quote:

"Factually speaking, Christ has given scarcely any
ethical prescriptions that were not to be found already
with the contemporary Jewish rabbis or in pagan
literature.

The essence of Christianity lies in the message of the
sovereign God to whom alone belongs glory over all the
world. It is the message of the eternally other, the one
who is far above the world, yet who from the depth of
his being has mercy on the person who gives glory to
him alone. He is the one who goes on the way to people
in order to seek vessels of his glory where the human
person is no longer anything, where he becomes silent,
where he gives way to God alone.

Here the light of eternity shines down on those who are
ever neglected, insignificant, weak, ignoble, unknown,
inferior, opposed, despise; here it radiates over the houses
of prostitutes and tax collectors. Here the light of eternity
has been cast on the toiling, struggling, and sinning masses.
The word of grace spreads across the stale sultriness of the
big cities, but it halts before the houses of the satisfied, the
knowledgeable, and the 'haves' of this world in a spiritual
sense.

It speaks over the death of individuals [death to flesh I'm
assuming] and peoples its everlasting word: I have loved
you from eternity; remain with me; thus will you live.
Christianity speaks the unending worth of the apparently
worthless and the unending worthlessness of what is
apparently so valuable."

Isn't that just.... (where's that wheel of adjectives when
you really need it?) amazing? Inspiring and true, for sure.

Through reading this, through wonderful sermons from
pastor Bill on Hebrews 11, and through hard experiences
at school, feeling so inadequate and incapable of demanding
respect from kids that aren't inclined to give it to me, I have
been growing. My mind has been turning different things
around in a way that is affecting my soul, and it's good.

I wrote on April 21:
"Words on paper cannot tell
this sunrise breakthrough in the depths rising.
This love is for and from the same, holy other."

I want to give a shout-out to the Jazzhaus of Lawrence.
I went there for the first time last Sat. It was cool. I
really needed just to be around people that night, so
I took myself down there and listened to the band play.

Michial, if you're reading this, I had some Bill Mallonee come
up on my iTunes today and I smiled. That guy is so honest
in his songs, and so passionate about being honest. I like
that.

Last Sunday I made 105 cookies. (for a friend so he could
bribe his students into giving him a good teacher evaluation.
He's a grad. student in economics)

Some of them were green. (green tea powder - his idea)

OK, there it is - everything I have to say. Oh, wait. One
last thing. A quote (Jamie likes this quote) from one of
my kids, Andrea:

"Don't talk to Lisa like that! She's my HOMEGIRL!"
(said with lots of attitude)

Yes! I love it. Some kids treat me like crap, but then
some would go to war for me. That's not necessarily a
good thing, 'cause she literally would GO TO WAR for
me, but you gotta love the girl. :-)

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I can't believe how long this is. Oh, wait,
yes I can)

Here's one for the memory banks:

"When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take
me into glory."

-Psalm 73:21-24

Today was a rough day at school. I need
to PRAY, pray, pray for these kids, and for
my own heart and willingness to be used.

Also have some other decisions and such
to be making soon. Moving, etc., time
commitments...

Oh, and Bob Dylan was so so good. He
does not cater to the audience at all. I
only wish I had known more of the songs
so I could know what in the world he was
singing about. :-) The music was great
though.

Here I am, in this little apartment.
Just wrapped up a very good Easter.
I had lunch with friends, cooked a
lot, and talked with Kelley, Renee,
mom, and two boys from church
One of them I called because he
informed me via e-mail that I had
hurt him by a previous e-mail of
mine. I had to apologize. We're
good now.

The other boy informed me that
BOB DYLAN IS PLAYING IN KC
TOMORROW!

And guess who's going?
me, me, me!!!
This is probably his last tour,
and come on, I can't pass this up,
I mean, I spent four years listening
to a certain TFC prof. recount in
mind-boggling detail all the Dylan
concerts he's been to and how no
two are the same...musical genius...
etc. IT'S BOB DYLAN. I've gotta go.
Plus, I actually can afford it this month.
woo hoo!!!!!! (am I excited? yes.)

In other news, I think I am growing up,
at least, a bit. I think I have made some
good steps in the life-long battle of
training my mind to not accept thoughts
that come from emotions that would lead
me away from God. Praise God for this!
I know I still have a long ways to go.

Possibly, I am just getting used to living
alone. But come August I am planning on
moving in with my dear friend Naomi, and
I'm sure that will bring to light many more
things I need to work on. That's the beauty
of relationships, right? They help you to grow
and make you more aware of the weaknesses
and flaws that you can become accustomed
to ignoring or glazing over. So bring it on!

(It's easy to write that now...but I really do
want to grow, deep down, by whatever
means God sees fit. However, Naomi and
I do get along quite well.)

So, how are you? Busy? Yeah, you probably
are. Why are we all SO BUSY!!! Life in America
is craziness.

God, I know I would be better off if I made more
time to meditate on Your Word. Please forgive
me and help me. Help us all to draw near to
you every day in whatever moments you allow.
Help us not to miss those moments, and to be
thankful in general. We have so much in You.

In Africa, I hear there are horrible things happening
related to their civil wars. In my classroom at school
there are kids that have so much crap to deal with,
both at home, and inside of themselves emotionally.
So much to pray about. So much to take to God
every day and trust that he hears every prayer, and
sees the oppression and all that's wrong in the world,
and trust that in Christ, all things work together for
good for those who believe in Him and are called by
Him. Oh, that I would believe this, even if I lived in
the middle of death and destruction, and not in a
priviledged society.

There's a lyric I once wrote in a song back in high
school that really convicted me when the song came
up on my iTunes. The line was:

"I thank, I thank You Lord. You have been so good to me.
But I would still praise You Lord from the depths of misery.
Because my faith in Your goodness does not depend
on the way that I feel.
For it is through the hard times that You refine me
and Your love is revealed."

Man, I don't always follow through with this. Sometimes,
the depths of misery get the best of me.

However....
I am learning, slowly. Perseverance is about always
getting up the next day and trying again, never giving
up the fight against my flesh and sinful desires, and
my desire to see more than what God is allowing me to see.
Some days it seems easier than others.

Be encouraged, friend. He has overcome the world.
Thank you for the role you have played and are playing
in my life.

Michial and Renee had this posted, so I thought I
would try it too. I did the shorter test, so my
results aren't as thorough.


Global Personality Test Results
Stability (73%) high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.
Orderliness (46%) medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.
Extraversion (53%) medium which suggests you are moderately talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting.
"http://similarminds.com"

I'm playing at "Signs of Life" on Mass. St.
tomorrow night (Good Friday). All are invited!
:-)

Here's my set list:

Cool Cat (mine)
There Will Come A Time
Lift My Head (mine)
Deeper Meaning (mine)
My Hometown in Spring (mine)
Tear Down the Telephone Poles (mine)
When Morning Guilds the Skies
I'm So Thirsty
New Piano Doodle (mine)
So Send I You
Break The Cycle (mine)
Hallelujah, What a Savior

Tonight my sister spoke some truth to me
that I needed to hear. Yes, she can be
harsh, but as I reflect on some of what she
said, dang it, she's kind of right!! Oh well.

:-)

Love you Maralee.

"A hope that is seen is no hope at all."

We wait expectantly for the glory that is
to be revealed. We can sense it even now,
though we cannot see it fully. May I bring
glory to God by completing the work He
has for me to do, just as Jesus did while
He walked this earth. And may I not shy
away from my calling in Christ even when
the pruning of my heart is so painful I
don't have the strength to look up.

Today was a great day.

It was gorgeous outside and after the one piano lesson
for the day, which was super fun (Patricia may be quite
a few years older than me, but her enthusiasm makes
her seem much younger), I headed out to Clinton Lake.

Ahhhhhh, close your eyes, breath in deep, hear the
waves and feel the breeze. Up in the sky there's a black
bird with massive wingspan soaring so high, carried by
the wind. He was happy, I was happy. Seriously, I love
warm days and large bodies of water with few people
around.

Then I made contact with Kristi (dear girl) and spent
the rest of the day with "the gang" (church 20's and
30's people). We "watched" the final four games later
on and grilled, but mostly it was just an excuse to hang
out and talk. Fun stuff.

I'm starting to like this town. Art show opening at
"Signs of Life" last Friday night was cool too. Yeah
James!

So there was my happy day. Thank you Lord for the
good days, and the bad. Thank you for bringing me
out of myself and allowing me to be cared for by your
body of believers. Lord, help me be more like you.

I'll end with a quote Tim gave us at Bible study:
"The door to your neighbor is the gateway out of the
dungeon of self."

Today I took a vacation from my problems.
Maybe I'll stay.
What problems do I really have anyways?
None, really. The maintenance people are
going to fix my water heater and my showers
will be warm again.

God is good. The sun will rise again, it will
shine on my heart and bring warmth.

It was stormy out today. Someday I will be
with my Savior, and I will be whole.

My thoughts are scattered, but I feel ok. I
have moments of clarity. I hope those
moments begin to stick and the depressive
ones fall off.

I think tonight I will sleep better.

Thanks for stopping in. Sometimes I miss you
and pray for you.

Life changes, yes it does. My emotions change.
But God is forever the same.

I feel enough like putting my voice out into the
universe tonight to stomach updating this blog.

The internet is a kind of universe, vast and dark
and full of many unkowns.

(wow, this post is going to be peppy, can't you
tell?)

Can I just say life is confusing? There, I said it.
God has been hearing that from me a lot lately.
My brother reminded me today that I should
give thanks in all things, and maybe just doing
that when I know I should and have every reason
to, even if I don't feel it, would make all the
difference.

I just got back from spring break in Lincoln. It
was a good week, filled with much quality time
(my top love language by the way) with many
family members, two days of working at dad's
business, and some time at the good old Lincoln
mall and The Mill.

So, do you want to know why I feel life is so
confusing? Well, I don't know if I'm ready to be
that honest on this blog, but, when in doubt,
you can usually default to the answer to the
question, "what are your thoughts about men
these days?" I confess, I sometimes wonder if
I'll ever have a nice and neat answer to that
question. It's not that I feel negatively towards
men as a whole, it's just that I can't seem to
understand how I am to view them when they
(intentionally or unintentionally) start making me
wonder if maybe they could be someone I could
share my life with. It's usually downhill from there.
I get caught up in a dream, and then I can't deal
with the reality, or they just lose interest, or I get
freaked out about something, or they do or don't
do something that makes me feel like I can't go
to them when I really need someone.

Sometimes when I get to thinking these kinds of
upsetting thoughts, I instert this corny, cheesy,
show-choir song from highschool that goes:

"Forget your troubles and just get happy!
You better chase all your cares away!
Sing Hallelujah come on get happy!
Get ready for the judgement day!
The sun is shinning, come on get happy!"
etc. etc.

Is that my resillience kicking in? Some insane
coping mechanism?

So here's the most recent song. Maybe it will shed
some light on the thoughts I've been having.

(no title yet)

I'm always wrapped up in the feelings I feel
and the things that do not move me, they hardly seem real
But everything moves me I cannot conceal,
if you put it through my senses, imagined or real
So I'm always wrapped up in whatever's in front of me

The things that I do I aim to do right
You won't see me give up without a good fight
I'll even go as far as staying up at night
lamenting over something uncontrollable in life,
crying about what isn't in front of me

Lift my head so I can see the stars
painted on the dark canvas of my heart

As I have lived I've observed in myself
and emotional variance of immeasurable wealth
So if you want to love me it might affect your health,
but I suppose not much more than would anybody else
'Cause we're all so wrapped up in whatever's in front of us

The secret to life is a balancing act
Maturity is mostly knowing when to react
Still not much of life is completely white or black
I keep one eye on the kettle that's burning in the back
so I won't lose myself in whatever's in front of me

Lift my head so I can see the stars
Keep your hold on my ever wandering heart

I should update, no?

Or is that, I should update, yes?

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I'm going to bed. very very sleepy.

Excerpts from my brain:


Feb. 2
Life is life is life. If I'm happy now, I'm happy.
If I'm surviving well, I'm competant. If I'm
loving now, I'm loving. The future is nothing
more than an extension of the present.

Life is life is life. Today is tomorrow is
yesterday. They build on each other and
if you pay attention, you can get better.
If you make room in your heart for Jesus
Christ, there is always HOPE and PEACE for
today and tomorrow.

Feb. 3
I wish I could say just what it's like to be a woman
I wish I could see just what it's like to be a man
Because I know, despite our differences,
we're all human
But there's so much of human I don't understand

Feb. 6
Quote from Augustine:
"You hold in truth the whole universe in the hollow
of your hand, and all things are true insofar as
they exist. Falsehood is nothing but the supposed
existence of that which never was...

So when I asked what evil was, I found that it was
not a substance but a perversion of the will when
it becomes bloated with desire for the externals
of life and is diverted from you, God, the supreme
REALITY."

I read through my old palm tree journal last night
and was reminded of just how desperately I have
needed the higher truth of Christ to keep me from
destruction and from giving in to despair. I also
observed that there is a gradual strength and
wisdom that comes ONLY from the passing of
time.

Feb. 14
I may never marry. Somehow it seems important
to write this and accept it. God loves me and knows
what is best for me; what will ultimately allow me
to know more of HIm and conform to that radiant
image.

Expression....this keeps coming up in my mind.
Some people (me) find it hard to express themselves
fully in day-to-day life. Sometimes I envy those who
so freely purge every passing emotion on whoever
happens to be near. It must be so freeing to both
feel confident enough in the validity and importance
of your emotions that you proclaim them loudly and
also to have the ability to quickly make declaritive
sentences about said emotions or opinions. But I
can often go full hours or even days without
expressing one strong opinion or emotion to those
I do not intimately know.

Often the most memorable experiences in life are the
ones you never could have planned in advance.

Today
I will just add that I had a great weekend at home last
weekend 'cause we had a day off from school. It is
so restoring to be taken care of. Oh, and I got some
new CD's the other day (Fionna Apple, Talking Heads,
Micah Blue Smaldone, and Robert Hamilton playing Ravel
and Rachmoninoff) and the Bob Dylan documentary, "No
Direction Home" which I am really enjoying. That guy is
super interesting.

So all you couples can save your pitty. I had a date with
Bob Dylan on Valentine's Day. :-) Yeah, that's my life.
But it's cool. My co-worker Nikki has been having MAJOR
drama with her boyfriend lately and when she tells me
about it, I somehow don't feel so bad about my current
status. Ya know, there really are worse things. Just on
some days it really doesn't feel like it. Eh, whatever.
Life is life is life.

I like my job. It wears me out, but somehow, I still like
it. People are just so fascinating, and I work with some
kids who are even more fascinating than average. I'm
starting to really connect with some of them. They
frustrate me, they make me laugh, they baffle me,
they challenge me...I really love them and desperately
hope they really do see Jesus in me, as my mom
suggested tonight on the phone.

I hope you are well, patient reader. I most likely miss you.
Hope you are thriving. I should go to bed. I leave you
with some awesome verses.

"Ask (in Jesus' name) and you will recieve and your joy
will be complete." --John 16:24

"Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the
only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent."
--John 17:3

sweet dreams my friend.

A few reminders..
1. The feelings you feel are not complete. Feelings are
fragments of life, but not the whole of life. The truth
comes after the emotions die down.

Today I felt like crap (excuse the crass expression).
But then, later in the day I realized that today is just
a day, and if I really have faith in God, I won't let a
few sour emotions get me too far off course.

2. God is always at work. (a reminder received via my
friend James)

I get stuck inside my little apartment just like I get
stuck inside my little head, and sometimes I forget
that, even though I can't always see it, God is working
in the lives of those I care about and pray for, and in
the lives of trillions of others as well, and in mine!

3. You are loved. Christ laid down His life for you.

To love or not to love?

Is that the question?
(Could someone please restate the question?)

Songs in progress..

How is it that you love me
even when I don't love you?
How is it that you desire me
when I should be desiring you?
The fairest one, the rarest one
whose beauty I'm too numb to see
Whose grace is not too proud to stir
the cold heart inside of me

Such a love should cause me to shutter
Such a love seems too good to be
Such a friend, a father, a brother
But lately my heart has grown cold
Dear Jesus, let me love Thee

And another...

I cried last night, Lord I cried last night
over being alone
I woke up, waking, awake to find this
world is not my home
Little painted boxes stacked in rows
cannot house my soul
Neither can love and romance ever
really make me whole

Rejoice in the Lord while walking through this world
We're never alone, rejoice in the Lord always
Rejoice in the Lord while walking through this world
We're on our way home, rejoice in the Lord always

I came to fight, yes I came to fight
down on my knees
I took to flight on the wings of night
then you humbled me
Little pieces of emotion and fragments of feeling
that's all I am
Lord, please fill me full with your love
so I can

Rejoice in the Lord while walking through this world
We're never alone, rejoice in the Lord always
Rejoice in the Lord while walking through this world
We're on our way home, rejoice in the Lord always


It's not the same without the melody, but it will at least
give you an idea of some of my thoughts lately. I'm glad
some recent song ideas have been God-centered, 'cause
I just came out of writing a series of frustrated relationship
type songs, oddly enough, in an old school country sort of
style. Yeah, I never knew I had it in me. Maybe I don't, but
whatever. There was one about tearing down telephone
poles and one about a train whistle, and that might have
been it.

I'm becoming more and more consumed by my new food
obsession. I have homemade sauerkraut, porridge, crispy
walnuts, beet kvass, and am in the process of my first
batch of sourdough bread (it takes 7 days and lots of
bowl switching. Is it strange that I kind of like the smell
of fermenting rye flour?) My weirdness level is rising,
but hopefully so is my general health. All this bean and
grain soaking is supposed to decrease that pesky phytic
acid so I can absord more nutrients. Sweet.

I am generally excited about most things, and happy.
Naomi came for eggplant curry last night and we had
a nice time. This Saturday night I have plans to watch
"Life is Beautiful" and eat some Italian at James' apt.
with a group of church friends. Also, I am really
enjoying my job these days. I like helping kids, or
just being around them and writing in my journal.

Sometimes, also, I am lonely. But this is only bad at
unpredictable, isolated moments. It is a feeling I'm
learning to deal with. It's better than drama, right?
For now, it is what I need.

May God help us to love Him as we ought. I know I
haven't given Him enough of my heart's attention as
of late.

I leave with a quote from "Augustine's Confessions":

"But while I was struggling toward you, you pushed me
back so that I might taste of death, for 'God resisteth
the proud.' And what could be prouder than my
sublimely foolish assertion that I was made of the
same stuff that you are? I knew that I was subject
to change, because I wanted to learn more and to
improve myself. So I preferred to think that you, too,
are changeable, rather than believe that I was not as
you are. That is what pushed me back: you kept
rebuffing my conceited obstinancy."

He is not like us. He is God. He is all knowing, and
He does not change as we do. We are blown over
and carried along with the wind, but He is constant.

A very Merry January 4th to you!
I hereby officially extend the Holiday
(Holiday = Holy Day) season until
further notice, or until Valentine's
Day. Whichever comes first.

I don't really see why it should have
to end now, do you? I'm still feeling
mighty jolly, and the snow is sure to
be back in a few days.

Whatever Lisa.

Over the break I spent some time
with some of the most important
people in my life thus far. Though
not all the family was able to make
it, there were good times with mom,
dad (till he left for Israel trip #...what
is it now? 5, 6?), Mae, Mark, Mary, and
of course Abby and Renee. I cannot
possibly begin to describe the many
instances where I realized just how
blessed I am to have these people in
my life.

There was a walk with mom where she
shared some of her personal burdens,
and I felt beyond honored that she
considered me someone worthy of
these personal thoughts and feelings.

There was a night out for coffee where I
was stuck in my own personal cloud of
blah, but my buddies still loved me and
put up with my foul attitude, and forgave
me the next day when I snapped out of it.

And those were the "downer" moments! So
funny that those are the kinds of moments
that stick out to me - the moments that cause
me to love life all the more, because they
helped me to see something true, or to grow
or watch someone else grow.

There was also a conversation with Renee
where she shared with me a problem that she
struggles with, and that is: she can't stop her
brain from thinking!! I've known a few people
in my life who have described to me the panic
that they sometimes feel because they can't
make their brain shut off, even for a little while,
and they wish they could.

This is a fascinating thing to me, because I have
a someone slow moving brain that tends to filter
through a lot of different images and movie screen
type pictures, but then usually focuses in on just
a few concepts at a time until it has made some
peace with those concepts or issues. But
sometimes, I don't have any words with which to
describe the things in my head, and sometimes, I
would even say I can stare off into space and think
about NOTHING.

Like today. I went out to the new park I discovered
on my drive home to Lawrence (Riverside), and found
a completely isolated part on the outskirts of the
park. I think perhaps it was the most solidly alone
I have ever been. I walked up to this hill, and then
on the other side, all I could see were barren fields
and some farmhouses way off in the distance, and
a train farther off than that, and then finally, some
hills, who knows how far off. It was so quiet, with
so nothing around. And then I just sat, and what
was going through my head during those minutes
before I opened "Augustine's Confessions"? Just
about nothing. A few thought fragments at best.
I contemplated expanding on them in my journal,
pencil in hand, but I decided they weren't really
worth the effort, and I would rather think nothing
for a few more moments, and then read someone
else's thoughts.

Sometimes my brain just needs to sit out for a few
days. Just like when you make Sauerkraut, or Beet
Kvass, or when you sprout beans. Oh, and that
brings me to my new cooking obsession.

If you get a chance, read about the cookbook and
thoughts about the American health crisis entitled
"Nourishing Traditions" by Sally Fallon. Apparently,
we would do ourselves favors by letting our food
sit out a few days. Well, it's a bit more complicated
than that. But the idea of lacto-fermentation seems
to be catching on because of its immense health
benefits.

I'll stop there.
Enjoy the January.

Tomorrow I get up at 6:30 am for the new job.

Yesterday I did something impulsive. On a whim, I
decided to go home. I wasn't going to because I'm
going to be home in a week anyway, but you see,
Mark and the gang came up from Texas to celebrate
Christmas early for various reasons, and so this year's
Christmas was set to be very small (Maralee and Brian
can't make it home either, or Loren), so I just had to
go. It was so great to be there and hear the kids play
piano, sing, and recite the Christmas story, and pretend
to be a kitty cat with Luke (random, I know).

Summary of happenings:

I'm getting a new job. At the start of next semester
I am going to go from Shelter Para to Behavioral
Disorder Para. Yipee!! I'm very excited becuase these
are the kids I already know and love, and now I'll just
get to work with them more instead of moving around
so much. The position opened up because one of the
B.D. Paras is quitting. This is a big answer to prayer
because it means 40 hrs. a week instead of 32.5. I
really could use the money.

I am on the verge of finishing "Howard's End" but
almost don't want to because I'm enjoying it so
much. The story and characters have entranced me.
Margaret and Helen, the Wilcox's, their differences,
the marriage between Magaret and Henry, the tension
that arises from Henry not being able to connect the
mistakes he has made with the sins of others he sees as
lower, lesser beings than he... It's fascinating.

I heard about ice storms in Georgia. Toccoa friends,
did this affect you?

I have been taking Folic Acid and sublingual vitamin
B12 for a couple weeks now (my mom read something
about its benefits for those who suffer mood swings /
mild depression) and I've noticed a change. It's not
huge, but it's like it takes the edge off of my downer
moods. They're not quite as low it seems. I am
very grateful about this. If you suffer from this as
well, I recommend looking into this natural solution.

I really enjoyed "The Chronicles of Narnia." The whole
thing with someone innocent dying in the place of a
traiter reversing the code of death - that was great.
I had never read the books, so this was my first
encounter with Lewis' creative children's masterpiece.
It was really good.

I wrote a song about telephone poles and played it at
the coffeehouse, along with Christmas and other songs.
It was fun.

Kristi had a great party at her house last Friday night. It
has been great getting to know 20's and 30's people more
and more....and learning to salsa dance a little in the
process. (emphasize "a little") Speaking of, I'm supposed
to go meet up with them for a little more Christmas
festivities at Rachel's house.

I leave you with a new song blurb, written in the car this
afternoon, remembering the drive to Lincoln Sat. night
in the snow, on lonely, scary, country roads.


There's a city carved out of the middle of nowhere Nebraska
Lincoln, you are my guiding star
Everything's cold as ice in the middle of December
Lincoln you shine like a frozen star

Guide me home - I've been lost out in the country
Guide me home on these dark and icy roads
Guide me home to a love that I can lean on
I keep coming back to you, even when you're cold

to this city carved out of the middle of nowhere Nebraska
Lincoln you are my guiding star
I've been melting in the warmth of the cities far below you
Lincoln you are like a frozen scar

Guide me home - I've been lost out in the country
Guide me home on your dark and icy roads
Guide me home to the love I've learned to lean on
I keep coming back to you even when you're cold
'cause you've got something that I need way down in your frozen soul

And in a couple of months it will all be set free to sing again
and I will come dance in the sun like a child

Renee and Abby - I can't wait to see you girls soon.
All the rest in various far away places - wish I could see you soon.
To all - Merry Christmas time!!!

I just have to share the good news first of all...
"NO SCHOOL TOMORROW!!!!"
Blessed snow. Tomorrow I will dance and perhaps
cook, and definately practice for my coffeehouse gig
coming up on Friday.

"So bring Him incense, gold and myrrh, come peasant, king, to own Him;
The King of kings salvation brings, let loving hearts enthrone Him.
Raise, raise this song on high, the virgin sings her lullaby:
Joy, joy for Christ is born, the babe, the son of Mary."

Lord, help us to have loving hearts. Teach us to love as you love.
Help us to follow the greatest command by loving you with all of
our beings.

I write these words tonight out of a great sense of my inadaquacy.
I cannot get along in the world very well some days.

But God, my soul reaches out for you, for something True, and
for hope. I believe there is hope to be found in you. I do, despite
the tears that came tonight over too many things I don't understand.

The world is so much bigger than me. Tonight there are people in
hospital beds who you are watching over and reaching out to. Bless
all those in real, actual need. And Lord, bless me too. I love you, help
me Father.

Once again I ask, though it seems audacious, please just
work everything out for me. However all of this mess in my brain can
best work out, let it come to pass just exactly that way, even if it means
more pain. Anything Lord, as long as it's from you.

"I'll take anything, anything genuine
and looking up from where I went
I can take whatever I get.
Falling from your hand or falling from your lips.
As long as it's from you I know I can take it, I can take it.
And I'll rejoice!"
--Smalltown Poets song

Friend, dear person, anyone reading this...
may you seek him in every blessed moment of every day,
and may the blessings be many. Let us long together for
that day of sweet release when our faith will be sight.

p.s. I will be just fine. :-) The moods, they change. Have
a good day, or try just a little.

I'm still here, just blog lazy.

I'm still thinking a lot, but I can't
write all of it here, and a summary
would be too disjointed and non-
conclusive, and I like to be at least
semi-conclusive. So...here's to life.

Tonight I have been reminded that
there is much more to life than the
things we see. The unseen is what
we are to focus on, for what is seen
is temporary, and what is unseen is
eternal (says Paul).

Even if you wonder about life, about
your life, about the meaning of the
present stage of your life, know this:
there are unseen forces at work, and
God knows everything that you need,
and what is best. And He is good. He
is faithful, loving, and good.

I'm just preaching to myself here, as
usual. Lord, how I need the Gospel
every day.

Have a good week, friend. Hey, and
take it easy.