"Sunlight angles on wooden floor at dawn
Ceiling fan is on, chopping all my dreams
What is left of them I take to sleep again
Where I dare pretend I'm more than I seem"
--Wilco ("Sky Blue Sky")

I was gifted with "Sky Blue Sky" and, of course,
it's really growing on me. It's Wilco afterall.
Wilco is just one of those bands for me that
although perhaps the first listen through I'm
like, "Well, that's ok," with subsequent listens
I catch little lyrical things and instrumentations
and such that are just not like any other band,
and I dig it.

I've heard it said that there is nothing new that
a musician/band can produce, and it's all in the
way you put your musical influences together.
So all we songwriting types are doing is piecing
together the way others have done it in the past
in slightly different ways. Perhaps, but I still
think that makes it "new." I don't think it makes
it less original, because nobody can piece things
together exactly like someone else. We're unique
creatures, all with some new way of looking at things
to offer to each other.

But really, the best thing any of us has to offer
anybody else is selfless love, you know? I mean, how
easy is it to just get stuck in your own world, your
own head, and largely forget that you are just a little
piece of a world so much bigger, with purposes so
much bigger to serve than just your own. I guess that
is to say, it is easy to forget about the reality of God,
His sovereignty, His astounding beauty which is fuller
and more complete than the beauty of any one of us
by ourselves, and His limitless capacity to love.

So I want my life to be different. I want to take this life
I've been given and, no matter what God brings me to
and through, always seek to serve rather than be served,
and to offer up a sacrifice of thanksgiving to my great
God. Lord, this is what I want, though I am still far off.

I've been making friends with a lot of homeless people
and random strangers lately. This is what comes of
hanging out downtown latish. Naomi and I met and
talked to this one guy for a long time, and we actually
ended up praying with him before the night was over.
He may not have fit the definition of a Saint, but he sure
seemed to have a connection with and a certain understanding
of who God is.

ALSO, I've been playing my guitar more lately....in the park!
Yes, it is fun to be playing an insturment that you can take
outside into the open air and share with the bugs and the
critters and the random bikeriders and dog-walkers. Fun.

And of course, been cooking a lot. Made a cake last night
using a mixture of cocoa and carob powder (natural chocolate
substitute) and it was pretty yummy.

Wow, why am I writing so much? Guess I feel like I've been hitting
some kind of internal growth spurt and feel the need to share.
Also, this has been a relaxed-paced week that I will look back
on with fondness in a month or two when things are CRAZY busy
again.

One last thing. I have started experimenting with creating percussion
tracks for my songs using fun things like whisks, graters, high heel
shoes and boxes. It's a good time. : )

"I can feel it, now it's time
Open your eyes
Fears be gone, it won't be long
There's a light in the skies
It's ok to look outside
The day it will abide
Watch the sunrise"
--Big Star (checked out from library)

OK, I'm gonna go watch the sunrise. Alright, so I'm a little late for that,
but I'm taking a morning walk and the sun will be rising.

Oh! Have I mentioned my new adorable little nephew? I must. I still don't
think they've picked out a name for him yet, but he's adopted and he's tiny
and beautiful and he's got some flavor is his skin! Yes, he's the first of our
immediate clan with some ethnicity. I'm a proud ant. : )

Hope you are well, friend. If you miss me at all like I miss you, then I can
sympathize with you. Thank the Lord we will all someday be together
forever. But for now, we find dear ones whose faces are near us to keep
our lives company, and it is beautiful.

Journal snippet from the end of a long analogy
about the dying of a love once so beautiful being like being
on a boat out in the ocean and then jumping ship when the
sun goes down, still holding onto the hand of the one you love,
the one who is beginning to sail away:

"Though at present we sail in darkness, the sunlight is both
a part of our past and our future lives."

I can't deny - I am dramatic.

Today I feel sad. But don't worry, I know that God will make
all things clear in time.

I need to get out of my apartment now. Bye, friend.

May God bless whoever it was that was praying for me this morning,
or in general. (I suspect my dear mom)

I was really depressed last night and this morning, but then God gave
me this song that somehow lifted me out of it, though it may not
seem like a really happy song. Here's the song:

Man of sorrows
Help me in my sorrow
You have taught me to call on Your Name
Help and heal me
Keep me ever near Thee
Make me so sure You'll not turn me away

Man of sorrows
Help us in our sorrows
Though we're like clouds ever drifting away
You have bought us
With a price so precious
May your broken body confront us when we stray

Man of sorrows
Help us in our sorrows
Against self-pity give strength to contend
May we know you
Deeper through the sorrow
That in your mercy you allow or send

I wrote this a few months ago, but somehow, it feels very
appropriate for today. I am going to now post it online to
try and make myself feel special. You see, I'm not feeling
exceptionally special today. Just being honest. But that's ok.
Even if I'm not...I really am, you know, because of who I belong
to (God). Alright already, here's the thing I wrote.

Change and I are solid friends
I move in circle as he bends
Seldom has a day gone by
That he's not saved me or caused me to cry
I love him, though I sometimes fear
I aught not love him quite so dear
For I cannot rely on him
To be there with me to the end
But when the dreadful day to day
Has robbed my inspiration's' play
I am reminded once again
How change can be my solid friend

I dunno. I'm no poet, but sometimes I really like to try.
Basically, sometimes I need change. Then other times,
change barges in and takes over, despite what I percieve as
what I need.

This is one of those times. Yes, things have changed. That one
particular relationship still eludes me - by just a hair, just a
seemingly small matter - that is, the future. It seems small now,
but when I think about it, I suppose this is for the best.

It is interesting to me to note what it was about this past relationship
that didn't sit well with me - this being the matter of stability. I've
never felt that this was a big deal to me, especially considering I am
a songwriter myself and can understand the desire for that to be your
line of work. However, when I consider the possibility of children and
how that would completely change my goals in life, I crave a security
that those goals would be without question taken care of.

Not to say that this matter is a closed case, but for right now, the
singer/songwriter, Catholic man and I are working on our friendship.
Sigh. It is alright. Psalms 30 and 31 helped me out when I was feeling
down last night. I'm so glad I have finally made it to the Psalms in my
personal reading.

So, friend, how are you? Go ahead, tell me. OK, ok, so I won't hear it
and you'll be talking to a computer screen, but still, I'd like to know.

OK, here's another piece of writing. This one has a melody, but it needs
more verses to graduate to being an official song.

Who can tell a heart such as mine-
Where sadness lingers on the vine-
Which broken dreams to stoop and men
Which tears to prune and which to end

Who can hear the tangled truth-
All woven in with sweet vermouth-
Entrust it to the Hands of time
And chase the sorrow from the wine

And here is a little nesting dream I have every now and then when I pass
little houses and think about a life I do not now own.

Someday we two shall live in a little house together
On lazy summer nights we two will go out walking
Someday the dreams we dream will hold us close together
Then with the morning light we'll start all over

Someday these hills shall rise up to the setting sun
Someday this tune shall float out to the ocean
Trees will wave their feathered wings in time with the rhythm
And to the echo of that beat we'll fly along with them.

You know what? There have been a lot of break-ups lately!
It's not just me anymore...It's CATCHING!! Watch out!
Seriously, two really close friends of mine have caught the
break-up bug. All you out there who are happily together
with someone...give them a big kiss today! For real!!

"It's a lonely world. Everybody's grabbing what they can get.
Love is wonderful you've heard. Don't know if you've seen it yet.
But you can't miss it when it comes. Don't settle for less then love."
--The Normals

You know, I have loved much in these past few years. I have
genuinely loved and have been genuinely loved, at least, I really
believe this. This I do not regret. Love is wonderful, I know.
But sometimes, it does not make up for the lack of commonality,
compatability, or whatever. That is a sad fact. But it IS ok.
You've gotta appreciate the experiences you are allowed for
whatever unknown reason. This is what I think anyway.

Thanks for letting me share. I just might work on some music stuff
tonight. I love summer.

I'll let you know if anything significant changes, as it often does.
Thanks for caring, and/or reading. : ) You are FABULOUS!!!!!

Thunder is rumbling low out my window. Also, there are
firecrackers popping. It's a nice, unusual combination. Lots
of racket. I like it.

Friend, things are changing. Guess they always are in one
way or another.

I had such a nice weekend at home. It was fun to hang out
with brother, sister, families, and my cousin and his pregnant
wife. They are all such great people. I had a lot of fun just
being around all of them. It made it kind of sad to come
home to my lonely apartment. But I have my fishies, and more
importantly, so many good friends and people in my life who
care about me.

Speaking of people who care about me, it has been a little tough
lately to handle how much two certain people care about me. This
care is taking the form of vehemently disaproving of my choice of
boyfriends. Please pray for this if you think of it. I want to be
respectful but still make my own decision, regardless of the fears
and criticisms coming from these two whom I love and respect. I
know the criticisms are coming from hearts full of love and concern,
I just believe that how a person lives their life is far more telling of
their theology then what church they attend.

Of course, I only hold this belief to a certain extent. I mean, I don't
think it's just about being a nice person or something. You have to
believe in Jesus and trust His merits to save you. You need to rely
on the truth of His Word. But combined with these things, the most
important factor for deciphering someone's spiritual condition I
believe is the way they love others and their integrity.

What do you think? Anyone have a word for me on dating a Catholic
(also with Orthodox leanings) who appreciates the liturgy and the
reverence of the Eucharist upheld in this church? He's not a hardcore
Catholic in every way, but he's found a spiritual depth there that has
been very beneficial, having come from Protestant churches that just
weren't making the grade as far as challenging him to grow in his
walk with Christ. He's not anti-Protestant, he's just found something
that works better for him at this time in his life.

I'm done with my summer class. I'm looking forward to a nice July.

Hope you are well. I think I might take a walk.
Psalm 23 really is wonderful during times when you feel so insecure
and without support. I am glad for the support of my Father and for
the love of my family and so many others.
Lord, please let me serve you.

Hey, check it out! I found a minute.
A minute made for updating this thing.
Yes!!!!

Dying to know what's going on in my world?
I just know you are...

All the juicy little details, all the fun facts, the
random Lisa trivia...oh boy...here it comes.....!!!!

Alright then. Don't know what that was about.
Sometimes I like to make excitement for myself,
like last night when I took a walk across the bridge
late at night (don't tell my mom. and don't worry, it
was well lit, and it wasn't that late). There was just
something fitting about all that raging, rushing water
after all that rain and after all the insanity of the past
couple weeks of school work.

Serious insanity, folks. Projects, papers, presentations,
the works.

But look who's still standing? M-E, Lisa! Whew, it was
a close one though. It almost beat me down.

OK, so about that boy I mentioned last time....(I bet you
think I'm gonna say we broke up, huh? guess again my
oh so logical friend). He identifies himself as a Catholic.
This has been an interesting journey for the both of us,
you know, trying to figure out what really matters and
what really doesn't.

I must say, I have learned a lot about the whole concept of
the centrality of the Eucharist and other things that I never
really got about Catholics. Turns out, while I may not
totally agree with all of it, I can see where they're coming
from, and I don't think it's a "deal breaker."

This guy has way a lot going for him, and also, we seem to
have a lot going for us as a potential unit. But of course,
that will all be made more clear in time, one way or another.

I'm not getting married next month, or in 3 or 6 or 8 or 9
months. Check back with me in 9 and I'll let you know how
things are going...if they still are going...as the Lord leads.

Oh, get this: he's a songwriter. He writes awesome historical
fiction type songs on topics ranging from two grave diggers
having a theological discussion in ancient Ireland while
contemplating taking the gold coins from the eyes of the
corpse to go buy a round of drinks to Hurricane Katrina, to
Coalminer's in Kentucky. Isn't that fun?

Alright, hope you've enjoyed the update. Sorry it's taken so
long. I'm just SO glad to have made it through the semester,
with just two measly finals to go next week. I'm pretty much
finished.

I MISS YOU. (you are my special blog reader and I appreciate your
interest in my life. The feeling is mutual, so let me know how
you're doing...you know...if you want...and have time...for real)

One last thing:
God cares about those in need, aka, all of us.
He not only hears our prayers, he works all things out in the
best possible long term way. Trust Him.

First of all, I have to say, "Lord, be merciful to the families
and communities affected by this shooting tragedy. God,
forgive us for the evil that we allow to live in us. We need
your forgiveness and your love to fill us."

Oh, man. Do you want to know what's going on with me?

It's been FOREVER. I'm glad you still care. Yes, I'm talking to
you, you person reading my blog. I know there's at least two
of you out there!! : )

It's been so long because it is hard to post my inner monologue
ramblings when they are going through such formation, and also
when you're so crazy busy with school stuff. Yes, we have entered
the crunchy crunchy crunch time zone place where there are ten
times more things to do than there is time for in a nice and relax
paced day.

BBBBLLLLAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! I love my life, really. No,
seriously....it's busy, but I really do like this music therapy stuff
and teaching piano lessons.....

and then also there's this wonderful thing of....should I say it?
I can't not say it. I've met someone. Yes, someone indeed.
Want details? Too bad, that's reserved for real conversations,
hee hee.

Thanks for reading! We have so much to be thankful for, agreed?
I hope all reading are enjoying wonderful Spring weather. I love
it. And if you're not, may the sun find you soon.

I leave you with the title of a great Johnny Cash song I've become
acquainted with: "That Lucky Old Sun (Just Rolls Around Heaven All
Day)." Also, there's this great band called "Hem" that is somewhat
similar to "Over the Rhine"...except different (I've never heard anything
quite like it...very relaxing, soothing, country-esque). Good stuff.

Oh, and Mark, thanks for sending that CD! : )

Poor, neglected blog

I know it's been a while. I'm glad you care, Mark.
: ) That makes my blog feel loved and appreciated.

So ummm....where to begin? (scrounge, scrounge,
refer to journal...scrounge, scrounge..)

How can I even explain how much more happy I am
lately than a few weeks back. Emotion, emotion,
you continue to amaze me.

"Renovation of the Heart" (Willard) has a lot to say
on this topic, and that has been really encouraging
to me lately. He talks about how the mature
Christian who has taken on the attitude of Christ
will have the freedom to choose to act on, or to
refrain from acting on his/her emotions, although
he/she can't help having them. How we respond to
our emotions shows where our commitments really
lie, and what is most important to us.

I think it's easier to be happy when the weather is so
so so NICE. mmmmmm, beautiful Spring, you are
my friend. I love the midwest best of all in Spring,
hands down.

OK, and I'm trying to make conscious efforts these
days not to let my strange class scedule and piano
lessons schedule throw my sleep patterns into
confusion. I'm trying to get up and go to bed at
near the same time every day, and to start and end
the day focusing on God.

Spring break was last week. I had such wonderful
times with Mom, Dad, Mae and Mary darling. The
highlights were: tea and talking with Mae, talking
and eating weird snacks with mom, and dancing
with Mary and mom in the backyard late at night.

Two extremely exciting things are happening this
Friday. I get to meet someone and I get to play
a concert at Signs of Life. Yup, yup.

OK, back to the grind. I hope and pray all who
read this are well.

I ran across this thing I wrote about a year and a half ago. It's a
comparison between the process I go through in waking up in
the morning and what a flower does as it struggles to grow and
bloom.

Morning Routine

Open your eyes and smile
-Push through dirt
Worry just a little
-Imagine the light
Feel a surge of will
-Energy pulsing underground
Fumble, frantic, clock-watch
-Concentrating on its sound
Get your lead feet moving
-Sprout up, not knowing why
Too much tension rising
-Feel like you could die
All this mounting pressure
-Something beating down in beams
Inside there's a surrender
-Giving in to hopeless dreams
Grab your bag and run
-One final, desperate surge
Try to embrace the sun
-From weariness, emerge!
Forget about yourslef
-Stretch your neck up high
Lost and found and glowing
-Reflect your glory at the sky

Everybody's Got Their Pain

Happy March to all.

I get to sing and goof around with a bunch of old people
tomorrow morning. This music therapy thing just keeps
getting better.

Also, God' strength, grace and mercy just keeps getting
better.

I ran across the original lyrics to the hymn "Come, Thou
Fount of Every Blessing" written back in 1758. They are
incredible, don't you agree:

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,
Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit,
Here Thy praises I'll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here BY THY GREAT HELP I've come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
HERE'S MY HEART, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I'll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

Wow, that just hits the spot tonight. Thank you Reverend
Robertson. You just brightened my evening.

So I've been stuck in some sorrow, on and off,
brought on by the troubles of life and my own
inability to percieve things clearly.
(And probably exacerbated by unfriendly
brain chemicals - sometimes they hit hard)
But God is still faithful, and still helping me to
grow and not get stuck too long.

My friend Naomi and I have started praying together weekly
and this has helped tremendously. Things are looking up.

I've come to realize that when things don't look up, it's not
that God is being mean, it's that He's teaching me something,
and helping me to grow. That's not always easy to accept,
but I thoroughly believe that He is always present, always near,
just as it says in Acts 17:27. If it doesn't feel like He's near,
the problem is with the lens I'm looking through, not the
reality of His love and presence.

Because of these things, I can move on with my life.
Here I go, another little faltering step at a time.

As Naomi reminded me last night...you only have to have
a mustard seed of faith. Thank God for that.

I think you all should know about an important decision I made
last Saturday. I decided it was time....

to become the proud new owner of two AMAZING goldfish!!

OK, so maybe it's not such a big event, and maybe they are
little feeder fish, but I got this cool little aqurium with a
nice filter and light and gravel, all providing a wonderful
living experience for two little fishies who would've
otherwise been fed to somebody's spoiled pet.

So now when I walk in the door, my apartment is not such
a lonely place. It's more happy. I'm happy anyways.

Other than that, I'm doing well and very excited about the
warming trend. Today we're going to get in the 50's!!

Hope you are well. God is good.

So, I'm making some macaroni and cheese.
Just seemed right.

Also...I'm thinking it would be fun to have
a pet! Doesn't that sound like fun? Just
imagine, a little critter to come home to.

We'll see. Maybe a little birdy. Nothing
too high maintenance. Just someone to
say hi and bye to. I think that would be
fun.

Well, that's all my deep thoughts for the
evening. I'm doing pretty good. I have
my moments, but right now I've caught
a glimpse of grattitude. :-) sweet.

Here's a song I can share with the
general public. I have to say, God
continues to be faithful to me, and
it is a continual amazement.

Life continues to throw curves my
way, and yesterday was probably
my hardest day, but born out of
misery, everyone must choose to
live. And you must also choose
to either save your life, or to lose
it in Christ to find it.

These mysteries are beautiful,
though not without clouds that
make the light weak and almost
non-existent at times.

OK, here's the song. Simple, yes,
but very needed last night.

When you have exhausted
Every possible option
With no one left to light that fire
And you come down
When you face the mirror
And you can no longer deny
You're a beggar, thief and a liar
And you fall down
Let it all fall down on me

Come to Me all who are weary
And so heavy laden with grief
And, oh yes, I'll give you rest
When you come down
Come to Me all who are weary
And so heavy laden with grief
And, oh yes, I'll give you rest
Let yourself fall
When you come down
Beloved, rest in Me

Well friends, it's been an interesting
couple of weeks.

I had to break into my own apartment,
sending wood chips flying from the
wall the other day when the little metal
peice got caught, keeping me from
entering my own apartment after I had
taken the trash out, in my pj's, in the
freezing cold. I had no option but to
bust in. Maintenance crew saved me
the next day. No worries. :-)

The yesterday, I took my car in to fix
what I hoped was a minor problem.
Umm, let's just say it wasn't.

And then there's the whole mess of
Kansas residency and tuition, which
I thought was settled. Scrounge,
scrounge, scrounge, hand in paperwork,
etc.

Well, there's some surface-level
happenings.

On a deeper note, I keep finding more
and more things to be thankful for.
I guess there are different levels you
can live on, and I've been frustrated on
some of the more shallow ones lately,
but then, deep down, I keep coming
back to Jesus and finding him amazingly
faithful and forgiving and loving.

Praise God for endless chances to start
over again and optimistically hope for
a better understanding of life through
the trials and confusions that arise.

I am an incurable screw up in many ways.
This I cannot deny.

But ya know what? Back when I had an
easier time denying it, I really wasn't any
more righteous before God.

Dear Lord, help me to understand more of
who you are, and by doing so, become less
of who I am in my flesh.

And please, God, make good of all the things
that seem to go so so wrong - things that
it seems I can't make right, things that just
blow up in your face and scream, "Life is
pain!" Life is also peace and joy, and I'm
finding this more and more to be true, despite
what happens in life.

Have a great week, and thanks for listening.

Oh, and mom is still doing good, all things
considered. It has been rough at times, but
I'm so glad to be heading out to see her
tomorrow! I love my mom.

I got a cheery little call tonight from the trooper.
My mom is doing pretty good, praise God.

Please pray for my dear mom.
She's having surgery to fix a busted
wrist joint from a bad fall. I love her.

Here's an Oswald Chambers gem I ran
across today. It is resounding with me
these days.

The Brave Comradeship of God
"Then He took unto Him the twelve." Luke
18:31

The bravery of God in trusting us! You say -
"But He has been unwise to choose me, because
there is nothing in me; I am not of any value."
That is why He chose you. As long as you think
there is something in you, He cannot choose you
because you have ends of your own to serve; but
if you have let Him bring you to the end of your
self-sufficiency then He can choose you to go
with Him to Jerusalem, and that will mean the
fulfilment of purposes which He does not discuss
with you.

We are apt to say that because a man ahs natural
ability, therefore he will make a good Christian. It
is not a question of our equipment but of our
poverty, not of what we bring with us, but of what
God puts into us; not a question of natural virtues
of strength of character, knowledge, and experience -
all that is of no avail in this matter. The only thing
that avails is that we are taken up into the big
compelling of God and made His comrades (Cor. 1:
26-30). The comradeship of God is made up of men
who know their poverty. He can do nothing with the
man who thinks he is of use to God. As Christians
we are not out for our own cause at all, we are out
for the cause of God, which can never be our cause.
We do not know what God is after, but we have to
maintain our relationship with Him whatever happens.
We must never allow anything to injure our relationship
with God; if it does get injured we must take time and
get it put right. The main thing about Christianity is
not the work we do, but the relationship we maintain
and the atmosphere produced by that relationship.
That is all God asks us to look after, and it is the one
thing that is being continually assailed.


Did you catch that last paragraph?!! Wow, that was
well stated, Chambers. "We do not know what God
is after, but we maintain our relationship with Him
whatever happens." That is a mysteriously beautiful
truth for me today. I want to follow after him, even
though it is almost sure that I will have little idea
where we are going till we get there. Oh, what
wisdom and persistence it takes to discern what
steps to take in pursuing a life in Him. It somehow
helps me to know that ultimately, it is an impossibility
to percieve every step of the journey.

I may not know exactly where we're going, but Lord,
I want to follow you. God help me.

OK folks, here's the lowdown.

12 Things You Won't See in Nebraska or Kansas,
But Will in Israel:
1. Mountanous formations
2. Palm trees
3. Camels on the side of the road
4. 4-tiered waterfalls
5. Signs in Hebrew as well as English and Arabic
6. People wearing large guns who want to stop
and talk to you.
7. 3 thousand year old artifacts scattered randomly
on the ground.
8. Tank tops in December.
9. Place names with apostrophes in the middle of
the words (Ma'agan for example).
10. Large heards of mangy sheep led by Beduin
shepheards.
11. Toilets with two options for flushing.
12. Terracing.

Song fragment inspired by various piles of extremely
old rocks:

You don't talk, no, no
You don't make one little sound
Unless I tromp on you
or throw you on the ground
-Whack!_

Oh, you beautiful, you ugly rocks
Formed into a wall so long ago
How you used to be so much taller
Oh, you sturdy and so homely rocks
Long past being used for anything
You win the prize for staying power

Song fragment inspired by Tel Hazor

Burn the city down, oh
Burn the city down
Joshua said to burn the city down,
Burn it down
Turn this place around
The rich man's stones aren't round
God told him to burn the city down
So long Hazor!


I don't know that there's so much potential
in those silly fragments, but they were necessary
distractions for me at a few moments when
I was struggling to keep my mind focused
on the reality of all the piles of rocks we saw
once being acutal, live cities.

It is too hard for me right now to try and
summarize the trip. I just can't do it justice.
Just to give you an idea, I probably took about
300 pictures. For me, that's a ton. We saw
and experience SO MUCH. My dad is a master
at planning and implementing a schedule. I
am very greatful for the opportunity to benefit
from his experiences and knowledge in this
wonderful country.

By the way, the food is so amazing, especially if
you are a fan of freshness and variety like me.
So many different salads to fill up your pita bread.
Mmmmm, it was tasty. Not to mention like eight
different consistencies of yoghurt and cheese,
and the fallafels and schwarma...and such
amazing things done with the eggplant.

I'm going to go sleep now, ok?
Sorry to cut you off so abruptly, but, well, I'm
kind of tired of talking at you. ha ha, just
kidding. I could never tire of talking at you.
Ha ha, you only wish! Alright then, until we meet again...
have a great day!

Here's a little taste of my trip.

I'm alive.
Israel was....
an experience I have yet to be able to fully grasp
or explain. I could say it was great, I could say it
was enlightening, I could say it was a struggle at
times...but mostly, I don't think I really understand
its role in my life quite yet.

I'll maybe put some actual pictures on here pretty
soon since I used a digital camera for the first time
while over there.

I sincerely hope anyone who might read this is doing
well and I hope that all my friends and family know how
much they mean to me, even if I've been quite absent
as of late.

I appreciate the Truth, and I am still grasping for more
in many areas of my life. Above all, I thank God for
His love and patience with all of us.

I love my parents and my family. I'm so glad for the
time spent with them this break, even for the moments
where our vulnerabilities and weaknesses rubbed up
against each other unpleasantly. It is all part of the
refining, and a part of real love I believe. Thank you, Lord,
for counting us worthy of these experiences that open
our eyes more fully to the light.

I am an official overseas traveler! I am like 20 points
cooler now. Who hoo!!!!

Grace.
I am doing better now.
God answers prayers through
people in my life who care enough
to call and speak with me, even
when I'm feeling blue.

Thanks mom, Michial, and Jamie.
And thanks for the Christmas cards
Jenny, Maralee, and others.
It remains to be seen if I will send any.

Merry Christmas to everyone! It's only
a few days away! Happy, happy thoughts.

messy

Now that I've had a few days without school,
I'm having an identity crisis.

urrrrrrggggg!

Seriously, I've been so mad at everything lately
and the whole world seems like a giant letdown.

This is so depressive, forgive me. Why is nothing
ever as it seems? Why does it hurt to breathe?
Where is that person I once dreamed I would be?

God, where are you when I am so stuck inside of me?
Please, please, can you lend me a hand? I need to
get far far away from the patheticness that is myself
tonight. Why am I posting when I'm like this? Some
strange desire to balance out the moods of my posts,
like the whole world deserves to know the deep down,
disturbed me, as well as the "everything is great" me?
Lis, why don't you just keep the blues to yourself?

I dunno. Maybe I feel like honesty is more important
than pride. Maybe I'm so confused sometimes I just
need to cry out for help to no one in particular because
no one in particular is not a real person and I don't
want anyone in particular to know how pathetic I can
be. But deep down, I want everyone to know...and to
love me anyway.

Tonight there was a recital and this kid I teach piano
played this amazing song he wrote. It was the highlight
of my day, without a doubt. It's not just that he's
talented...he also has that fire of music inside of him
that just begs to be seen and appreciated. That rocks.

And I learned that one of my favorite little girls will
not be coming back next semester due to some
time constraints due to needing physical therapy for
a newly discovered problem that she has. I will miss
her. She always came into her lesson talking about
something random that happened at school or home,
totally unaware of herself and consumed by her
childish emotions all at the same time. She sparkles
with originality, even if rhythm is not her forte. Oh,
I will miss her.

So many beautiful people. If only I could go around and
show people what I see when I look at them. Maybe
then people would understand why I go around with that
far off look on my face sometimes and why I fall in love
so easily. Everyone I see posesses power and beauty.

And I...I wish I had someone to shine that back at me.
I wish I could really believe that about myself. Some
days I almost think I do...
God, just tell me that I'm yours, and that you're not done
with me yet. I need your kind of acceptance and love
tonight. I am pathetically yours. You are my gracious
Savior, who brings salvation, whose purposes NEVER fail.

Isaiah 46:8-13
Remember this, fix it in mind,
take it to heart, you rebels.
Remember the former things, those
of long ago;
I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is none like me.
I make known the end from the beginning,
from ancient times, what is still to come.
I say: My purpose will stand,
and I will do all that I please.
From the east I summon a bird of prey;
from a far-off land, a man to fulfill
my purpose.
What I have said, that will I bring about;
what I have planned, that will I do.
Listen to me, you stubborn-hearted,
you who are far from righteousness.
I am bringing my righteousness near,
it is not far away;
and my salvation will not be delayed.
I will grant salvation to Zion,
my splendor to Israel.

Lord, I am one without righteousness.
Bring your righteousness to me, please!
I need you so much I can't stand it.
I am the stubborn-hearted one.
I am listening. This stabbing pain has
got my attention, and I am listening!
Help me, please. Bring your salvation
to me and lead me to your rest this
Christmas time. I am a mess.

So, I don't need to panic about anything tonight?
You mean, I can breathe in and out and release
all of that building tension into the air to float
away from me? Are you serious? Oh, that is
good to hear.

The finals are over. First semester of Graduate
school, first big step towards becoming a
board certified music therapist, check!

Everything got done, amazingly, and there
were only a handful of days that the stress
level was quite significant...so I say "Thank
you Lord for helping me through." I had just
one really bad day when I was tired AND
cranky, and there were a lot of near break
down moments. But that was yesterday, and
today is today. I'm DONE!!

I think the three things I am most proud of
having accomplished this semester are:

--Learning how to write clinical goals and
objectives for music therapy sessions.
--Writing ALL those papers, especially for
that SPED class! (Seriously, a LOT of writing)
--Making that visual aid with accompanying
song to be used with children with autism
(I am not generally a crafty type of person,
so I was scared of this assignment, but
clip art saved the day, as well as Digital
Performer Quickscribe notation).

I hope you all are finding moments to relax.
I am going to seek those out over the next
two weeks, and then....I'm going to Israel.
Yep, that's right. Dad is gonna show me,
Mae, aunt and uncle, and one of his friends
all around that country, so rich with history.
I am SO SO SO SO excited! I just can't wait
to see all these new faces and new places
that are farther away from what is normal
to me than anything I've ever experienced.
I want to see what it's like to be in a
totally different part of the world. What
an adventure! I have the best Dad EVER.

Life is good.
Know why?

Here's why:
I don't have to do anything to earn God's love
and acceptance of me. I couldn't even come
close if I tried and tried.
So, all I have to do is accept that love and say
"Wow, I don't understand why this is offered
so freely to me, but I accept it - of course,
of course I accept it!"

Just like the children of Israel in the book of
Joshua when they entered the land God had
promised them, and ate from fields they
did not plant and lived in houses they did
not build. They didn't have much to do with
being born and Israelite or the miracles such
as parting the Red Sea, or recieving bread
from heaven. Their job was simply to accept
it, and to fear the Lord and serve Him only.

Lord, help us to accept your amazing,
incomprehensible gift of love to us, even
when we feel so unworthy and we don't
understand the context or how we came
to be offered such a gift. Help us to open
wide our mouths and let you fill them, like
a baby bird does with it's mother.

Help us in our hearts to love you first and
to accept your love for us and your son's
death as payment for all of our failures.

Serve the Lord with fear. He is great and he
is love. This is the love that never fails, that
waits always with open arms. Believe it. Act
on it. This is my Christmas charge to myself
and to anyone reading.

Hey guys. I'm really happy.

Last night I dropped in on the 20s30s Christmas
Party for a bit to break up my homework sessions,
and I just have to say, the carol sing time was so
hilarious it was borderline offensive. I mean, not
really - I think God has a sense of humor so I
doubt he was really offended....but man, O Holy
Night will never be the same to me.

I don't know what happened exactly, but somehow
we managed to pick THE MOST AWKWARD key that
that song has EVER been sung in IN THE HISTORY
OF TIME. And on top of that, some people were
trying to go up really high on the end of the refrain.
I don't know if they were just goofing off or what,
but MAN! We hardly made it through, it was that
bad. Believe it.

I really needed the comic relief, though. It's that
time of the semester where you just dive in and
hope the world will still be standing by the time
it's all over with. But really, it's not too bad. I just
gotta keep on top of things.

Oh, and about that being happy comment. Well,
basically, God is just very very amazing. You see,
he forgives me when I struggle with sin and lose,
he accepts my prayers, he is gracious and loving
as well as just and all-powerful, and he gives such
good gifts. For example, talking with Naomi till
2:30 am Friday night. Talking with Jamie, and just
about everything having to do with Jamie. What
an amazing guy who has shown me so much care.

And on top of that, today I called my new internet
provider to report what I believed to be an error on
my first bill, and they ended up correcting the
mistake, and another one I didn't even see coming!
Basically, one phone call saved me 100+ dollars!
Go Sunflower Broadband!

Alright, there's my happy post. Back to homework.

Here are the highlights of my Thanksgiving break at home:

--Meeting my beautiful new niece, Brianna! She is the
most precious baby in all the world to me. So sweet.

--A funny conversation with Michial while driving I-29
as he cooked a turkey and made candy.

--Running around and playing in the backyard with
my nieces and nephew.

--Late night conversation and Mark-inspired games
that turned into insightful sharing time.

--Much needed time with Renee, talking, eating food
from Amigos, and sharing some songs at her house.

--Just getting to talk and spend time with Cristy,
Mark, Mae, Mark J., Mary, Abigail, Crystal, Luke,
Mom and Dad. With some of them it was great
talks, with others, it was just those little moments
together that didn't need words (Dad hugs, playing
cars with Luke, etc.)

--A short but wonderful chat with Jamie to interrupt his folding
of church buletins late into the night. :-)

--Getting to help decorate the James family Christmas
tree.

Wow, I'm tired. I drove home last night so I could do some
homework. I almost felt like I was getting sick today, but
I didn't, thank you Lord. I went shopping this afternoon and
got new jeans! Isn't my life so exciting? OK, back to work.

I have to say folks, God is the source of all strength and all
love. He is the reason I can rest in peace. Rest in Him today
and bring Him into the circumstances and worries of your
life. As my niece Mary reminded me, the powers of this world
are nothing compared to His Name!

Seriously, whoever was praying for me to
have a great birthday, thanks.

My dear friend Naomi and I ended up going
out to a restaurant I'd never been to before
and it's my new favorite. Amazing Greek food.

We had loads of unexpected fun afterwards
too. We ended up running into some guys
from Bible study at the Jazzhaus unexpectedly
and it was just really fun to hang out and be
young and single. That gal is such a great
friend, I tell ya what.

If it seems like I have been a bit unavailable
lately, that's due to the National Music Therapy
Conference that was held this weekend in KC.
Wow, what an enlightening experience that
was. I learned lots about my profession of
choice.

I'm so happy that in just a few days I will travel
home to Lincoln and will get to meet my new
niece, Brianna! I can hardly wait.

Oh, and I might be getting a cell phone soon.
Stay tuned.

When did you fall in love with me
Was it out of the blue
'Cause I swear I never knew it
When did you let your heart run free
Have you been waiting long
When did you fall in love with me?

--Chris Rice

So when did I fall in love?
Just today I think.
Well, most every day perhaps.

But today I am happy in a way I've never
been before. It's registering deeper down
then it has in the past. Does that make it
more real? Does that mean I've deepened
as a person? I don't know for sure, but
that's what it seems to me.

Dear Lord, thank you. Just thank you.
You know, I told you again today that if
you would have me serve you alone, I
could accept that, if it was from you and
not just of my own doing. I don't want to
be alone, but if it is where you put me, I
can accept it. But right now, you have
allowed me a hope that my heart is still
dying to understand. So be it. Jesus, "I'll
take anything, anything genuine."

Anything genuine.

Future, mock on. Today, my last of year
23, I am defiant. Life IS beautiful. There
are things that matter, there are things that
matter less. "There is always hope" (quote
from LOTR "The Two Towers").

OK, I have to say it, Jamie, you are the greatest.
Thank you for everything.

Just want to say that if you've had one
of those down days lately, you're in
good company, or at least my company.
:-)

Who knows what to make of all those
crazy wacked out things called feelings!

Guess it was just a crash moment in the
midst of all the "almost nearing the end
of the semester" stress.

But today was grand. I mean, I got some
good work done, had a great talk with
a friend or two and just felt generally
better than yesterday.

I'm doing good. God is oh so patient with
me and I know he hears me when I cry out
in desperate confusion of all the downer
emotions that sometimes surge through
me like they've got nowhere else to go in
all the world. Why gang up on poor little
me, why? I should be used to it by
now, right? Well, it doesn't freak me out
as much as it used to anyways. In the midst
of it I now know that it will pass, no matter
how urgent it feels, and the world will keep
turning.

How are you?

Seriously, what do you think about that concept
of love as an act of the will?

My head is kind of spinning right now 'cause I
just had a conversation with someone who
majorly challenged this concept to me.

Ah, well, the truth must come out eventually.
What is this crazy thing called love?

Dear Lord, once again I see, I am flawed. How
I wish I had the perfect heart at all times. Dear
Jesus, please help me! I want to understand the
Truth, even if it's unpleasant.

What say you about this thought?

Love is AS MUCH an act of the will as it is
anything else.

Fascinating concept, is it not? This was
spoken by Dr. Ravi Z. and I think I am
just beginning to understand how true
this is. As unromantic as it sounds at
first, I think it is the only true basis for
any kind of lasting love, romantic love
included. Love is not a feeling.

Some days I seem to be able to deal with
this concept better than others, but I think
I'm slowly getting better at it. I don't want
to go overboard and start living like a
robot (though I really don't think there's
much chance of my doing that), but I do
want to balance all my emotionalism out
with a more mature understanding of what
true love means. Sometimes, actually a lot
of times, love hurts, isn't pleasant, causes
pain and discomfort. Just look at the life
of Jesus, Paul, etc. But THIS IS love - that
a man would lay down his life for his friend.
That is what love looks like - not two people
gazing into each other's eyes, feeding off of
the chemicals that are produced in their
brains while being near each other when
their relationship is new and wonderful.

Alright, there's my rant. Here's to coming
to God, even when we don't feel like it, and
doing things like praying and reading the
Bible, for these are our tangible expressions
of love to him that we must die to ourselves
and do, daily.

Lord I come to you, without the feelings for
doing so, but still believing in you and
believing that the feelings will come back.
Give me the strength to continue on in my
journey towards knowing and loving you.
Amen.

Today during a music therapy session with
troubled teens, our group leader (I am currently
just a helper) played a Tom Petty song. It
was something about chasing down a dream
that wouldn't find you on its own. I liked it.
One of the kids was a big Tom Petty fan so
it really hit home with him. He recommended
I listen to more of Tom when we were talking.

Lately I'm really excited about Music Therapy.
I kind of go back and forth with my thoughts
on its real value, but lately I've seen a LOT of
important, practical, valuable uses for it in my
classes and from speakers and such.

I conducted my own personal music therapy
session alone in my apartment this morning
after my morning class. I was feeling out of
sorts, and it's not like I made a real conscious
decision to do this, but I sat at the keyboard
and, after a lot of trial and error, a song came.

This form of self therapy has a good deal to
do with the music and letting the sounds calm
me, but it also has a great deal to do with the
process of forming a lyric. Sometimes I don't
even know exactly what it is I'm feeling, but
when I guide myself into creating a lyric to
go along with the mood music I'm creating, it
helps me to see what's going on inside of me.

Here's the lyric (you'll have to imagine the sound):

"I need something to say
I need someone to hold"
He said it under his breath
before the thought could unfold

And when I looked in his eyes
I couldn't bring myself to feel
It was too deep of a wound
The wind blew the leaves

So we pretended to smile
and we pretended to leave
And we pretended that none of it
meant anything

And when he walks on the sidewalk or street
The pavement doesn't feel a thing
And when the leaves fall down from the trees
The trees don't even feel a thing

So pour it over my skin,
Pour it into my soul
Pour it over my head
Then let the anchor take hold

Weigh me down with your love
God of mercy and peace
Spirit, descend like a dove
over me

I need something to say
I need someone to hold
Don't give your love for a day
Let the anchor take hold


I find myself getting more and more
vague in my subject matter lately.
It's like, there are these underlying
emotions that have been brewing
and changing all week, and when I
sat down on a Friday to try and form
a consice thought, many different
feeling fragments from the week
resurfaced and crammed to get into
one song, and I tried to make it a singular
thought, but really, it's a tangle of thoughts
and feelings, which is a good description
of my mental state lately, mixed with a
healthy dose of prayer and stablility though,
thankfully.

Well, it's a good starting point anyways.
God, I really do need you as my anchor.
As the Lori Chaffer (awesome songwriter
whose CD was recently burned for me -
I love it!) song goes, "Please don't let go
of me." Sometimes that's the best prayer
I can pray.

It is my hope and prayer that you are
holding on to God today and also finding
peace in the assurance that even when we
aren't strong enough to hold onto him, he
is strong enough to keep holding onto us
when we lose our grasp. His grasp is what
really counts. That sounds a bit Calvinistic,
and I don't know about all that, but I think
it is true. He saves us. We can't save
ourselves. He draws us with compassion
and grace and a love that is like a solid
anchor. If we recognize what he has done
for us, and how deep his love goes, how
could we ever escape him? Such a love
would haunt me forever if I ever tried to
run away from it.

Here's to that kind of a haunted house and
Halloween. Haunted by the immense love
of the God who created the universe and
sent his Son to save our lost race.

My most recent poetical meandering of
average quality.

From my journal to you:

I wanna go out shinning
in a blaze of Glory
All the cynical pessimists
won't know what to say
All the unfounded optimists
will have to look away

No one seems to love
in the same way I do
Look down from above or
from below, you'll misconstrue

Fall away
All these false illusions must fall away,
All my wrong conclusions will fall away,
Everything that is true has to stay,
Everything true will rise

It's a rainy Tuesday and all is well.

My sister Maralee is lovely and is all
set to adopt TWO boys from Africa.
Yes, it's finally happening. Praise God.

Breakthrough!

I've had a revelation folks, so listen up.
Tell me what you think of this, but it
seems that after my nap this afternoon
and after the experiences of this past
week...actually, this past year, God has
brought me to a new understanding.

Have I set you up for the impact of this
new idea enough? Ok, here it is...

We try to suck too much out of one
person. That's the problem. The
single and waiting person's motto
should be:

VARY IT UP!

Don't get stuck on one person or one
thought before you really know if this
one is meant to last or just to shed
further light on something.

Now, somebody tell me if I'm just going
off the deep end here, ok? I mean, I
don't want to just go crazy with this
philosophy and not take relationships
seriously, it's just that I think the
tendency to get burned in relationships
comes from relying too much on a dream
before you even know if it is at ALL based
in the kind of reality you could build your
life on.

I think everyone just needs to get out there
and meet lots of people and treat them as
a potential friend before getting lost in
treating them as a potential mate. That is,
unless God is leading you in that direction,
etc. I want monogomy to be the end goal
of all this, but until that situation presents
itself, if ever, I aim to keep my options
open and look at the paths that lie open
before me as objectively as possible, with
lots of input from lots of people who I know
care about me.

I want friends. Men, women, people I'm
related to, etc. I want lots of different
people in the body of Christ surrounding
my life in different ways, helping me to
be the light I was meant to be for Christ
to the world. Thank you God for good
friends. I have so many good friends with
whom I can talk and lean on, and they
lean on me as well. This is so BEAUTIFUL!
I want more of that....I just have to finish
all this STINKING homework first. grr.

Alright, thanks for reading.

I close with an incredible passage from Willard's
"Renovation of the Heart":

"..it is who we are in our thoughts, feelings,
dispositions, and choices - in the inner life -
that counts. Profound transformation there
is the only thing that can definitively conquer
outward evil.

It is very hard to keep this straight. Failure to
do so is a primary cause of failure to grow
spiritually. Love, we hear, is patient and kind.
Then we mistakenly try to be loving by acting
patiently and kindly - and quickly fail. We
should always do the best we can in action, of
course; but little progress is to be made in that
arena until we advance in love itself - the
genuine inner readiness and longing to secure
the good of others...

It is love itself - not loving behavior, or even
the wish or intent to love - that has the power
to "always protect, always trust, always hope,
put up with anything, and never quit" (1
Corinthians 13:7-8). Merely trying to act
loving will lead to despair and to the defeat of
love. It will make us angry and hopeless.

But taking love itself - God's kind of love -
into the depths of our being through spiritual
formation will, by contrast, enable us to act
lovingly to an extent that will be surprising
even to ourselves, as first. And this love will
then become a constant source of joy and
refreshment to ourselves and others....and not
an additional burden to carry through life, as
'acting lovingly' surely would be."

It is ONLY through the person of Jesus Christ
that we can be changed in this way. He sends
his own Spirit in our hearts to change us if
we are abiding in him.

God, help us to take you up on this, no matter
where we are at or what we are struggling to
conquer.

Reflection on Rejection

(I just wanted to write that)

So what else would Lisa be up
to this weekend then having
more drama? Well, that's not
ALL that happened this
weekend. I also went to a
Mystery Dinner Theatre at
KU with a friend and that was
super fun. I even won some
Play-Do!!!

Oh, but yeah, seems that I have
yet another male friend and
nothing more. It's good stuff
though, 'cause I guess things
were stressing him out, it just
wasn't the right context, or
something like that. I understand,
I really do. He's a good guy.

I had a great talk with a great
friend who cheered me up afterwards.
He seems to believe that I am a great
girl who will maybe one day find
someone I click with. Awesome.
I just want someone to believe that
for me when it's hard for me to.

Also, I absolutely love my mom.
Just had to share.

Friends, do not worry about me.
Tonight I have all the gifts in the
world a girl could ask for, inside
my soul, because of Christ.

"Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea
A great High Priest whose name is LOVE
Who ever lives and pleads for ME!"

I've been writing a bunch of songs
lately. It's fun. Also, I can officially
play some killer blues on the guitar,
and I even wrote my first blues song
last night on the guitar. It was called
"Lukewarm Love" and it was me venting.

Here's a song that just kind of fell out
of me last week that I'm still not sure
what it all meant. The music came
before the lyrics.

"Fall"

The battle lines are drawn
and I will fall
The shallow eyes of the law
will see me stand and watch me fall

I hold my breath to breathe
I close my eyes to see
And I will fall
And I will fall

I cry out in whispers
I scream out loud so I'm not heard
Don't look at me
with eyes that can't see
Don't look at me
with eyes that can't see

The battle lines are drawn
and I will fall
When painted smiles are gone
maybe then I won't fall

But right now I have to fall
catch me
Right now I want to fall
but don't let me
I need you to get me
I'm worried but please don't let me
die alone


It's kind of vague, I know. Make what you
want of it.

Gotta go work on that pending paper....or
maybe just go to sleep...
Ya know, I think 10 hrs. of Grad. school plus
22 students plus 3 hours of caretaking a week
is a bit too much for Lisa. Prayers would be
appreciated. I'll likely survive...

Blessings.
Oh, and by the way, I just have to share that
sometimes I get overwhelmed by confusion,
anxiety and despair, but God truly does hold
me up. When I take up my complaints with
him, somehow I know (Holy Spirit) that he is
there, desiring to help and guide me.

Rest in him. God is above our understanding,
but he reaches down to help us when we cry
out for it.

I need to say something happy.

I bought four new CD's at the
CD tradepost today! (Bob
Marley, Oppenheimer, - anyone
heard of them before? - Jimmy
Eat World, and Mutemath) I also
took a nap! Wow, awesome!

Seriously though, my day was
being emotionally wonky (a
very useful word I just learned),
until mom called me. We ended
up praying and crying together
on the phone. She is such a
lifesaver to me. She really
helped me get some perspective
on some emotional hangups and
self-centeredness I was struggling
with.

Oh, life! You can be so so crazy.
One day I'm staring out my car
window, completely overwhelmed
by the beauty of life and the
sunset that is blowing my mind,
the next I just wish my life would
be over, very soon.

I've just gotta keep growing, or
else I will be a sad person. God,
help me trust you and know you.
I've been way too scattered lately.
I need to pray.

BLAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Why did I ever decide it was a good
idea to go BACK to school? I could
have been DONE with all of this!

grgrgrgrgrgrgrggrgrrgrgrggrgrrrr

Yeah, I seem calm on the outside...
here's the reality: I HAVE ISSUES.

Can I please just start over? What,
you ask? Everything. I just want to
forget about who I have been up to
today and just start all over new.
Starting right now, I am not an
imbalanced goof ball who gives too
much credence to her emotions and
that feeling of distant longing for
something so much better.

I want to be someone who recognizes
those things but is also somehow able
to accept the realities of life and not
just want to cry and/or get in a
relationship whenever the longing
gets to be too much to bear. Nothing
is ever going to satisfy me.....
nothing but the one thing I keep
forgetting about in all the mad rush
of trying to be a responsible adult.

Dang it, I'm a mess! And if it's not ok
to just admit it, well I'm just sorry, the
world will have to pardon my existence.
I am messy, messy inside. I want to cry,
I want to cry, too much, too much. I
want what is real. I fear what I deserve.
I cling to a small hope that I'm not a lost
cause and a faith in Jesus to save me.

God, hold me up. I'm going to try and
just keep going and let you, somehow,
direct my steps. Please, please.....

(thanks for listening to my venting session
#39,489,583,921)

So, here's my deal.

School and deadlines and way too
many hoops to jump through makes
me anxious. School plus 22 piano
students and time with Nattie makes
me anxious. School plus about
anything makes me anxious.

But God is helping me. Today I tried
to stop worrying and quiet myself
enough to just rest in Him.

No matter what I do or don't do, I'm
only going to be effective in life for
the King and the Kingdom if I am in a
vital relationship with Jesus Christ. So,
even if I have work to do, it is more
important to take breaks when I can and
just be still, just relax, just be and just
get happy.

I'm happy.

Also, I'd like to say that I miss Jamie and
I wonder what he is up to. I keep wanting
to call him but then it's like always too late
and I just wonder what he's up to these
days. So Jamie, if you read this ever, I say
hello.

Also, I'd like to say hello to such wonderful
people as Bethany, so far away, Sarah, as
she struggles through a difficult time and
illness, Jenny, holding down the fort in
lovely Georgia, Kelley, being Kelley in crazy
Arizona land, Christy, serving the Lord with
her beautiful life, Jill, setting a glow over
any room in which her voice resounds,
Michial, writing papers and church hopping
and being Michial in a world that needs to
know more of his kind of honesty and
intensity, Abby, writing poems, waitressing,
studying and being in love in NYC, Renee,
lighting a fire of heat and heart and glory
in every soul that gives her half a chance,
Mom, speaking truth and wisdom in ways
that get through to people on the heart
level, Dad, showing love through service
and consistently strong character, Mark,
doing his dad and real estate appraiser
thing in Dallas with wife and all FOUR kids
in line (mostly), Mae, being beautiful, Mary,
loving life and laughter, Maralee, steering
the lives of many boys, Kristi, editing and
being such a quality person with such an
inviting energy about her, and anyone else
who reads this who no doubt is unique and
great.

Hey, wanna know something? That guy
that I mentioned earlier, you know, the
one where it was just friends? Well, that's
still basically true, but we've come to
a mutual understanding that we could
possibly one day be more than that. Is that
called dating? I dunno. But whatever it is, I
think it's completely nice and fantasitc. This
guy is about as crazy amazing and nice
as you can imagine. Quality time, quality
talking, conversations, walking, tuning
my guitar, the show "Lost," church stuff
and music happens between us.

So there's my life lately. Kinda busy, kinda
great, kinda still "the verdict's out" in many
ways. Kinda just great.

Hey, don't get too anxious about anything, ok?
What's the point with that?

Bye. Go be you and smile about it. And when
you need to vent, do that too. :-) See ya.

Hello world.

Ummmmm I dunno.
How are you?
Yeah, so.....what's going
on? It's a nice day outside.
Inside, it's a little stagnate.
I crave a bit more freedom
in general.

Somebody set me free!!! I'm
running around in a small
circle. I want a bigger circle.
I'm speaking figuratively, but
come to think of it, actual
running might be a good idea
too. Maybe a nice straight line
though. Circles, circles, I tire
of circles. This train is going
somewhere, please let it be so.

I'm going somewhere!!!
Here I go! Where? I DON'T KNOW.

Ask me tomorrow. My brain is
like totally fuzzy today. I just
know I want out...of something...
eventually.

Thanks for letting me share.

I just want to feel. Lord, I need to
sing something loud. Jesus, I need
you every minute.

So here's the realization I came to
today...I'm kind of defective. This
word just seems to really sum up
how I feel towards certain emotional
responses I have sometimes.

It's hard when all you want sometimes
is just to feel loved, but you know that
what feels like love isn't always love at
all, and "what feels like torture is a
time to rejoice and what sounds like
thunder is a comforting voice" (Derek
Webb, a la "What Is Not Love").

So what am I talking about? I'm talking
about how I'm getting to know this guy
slowly (must it always be about a guy,
Lis? No, it's just that this is the time in
my life where it often is, ok? I'm just
trying to find a home for my heart, but
I'm trying to do this in a God-honoring
way, as best I can. So just have a little
understanding ok? Oh, I'm just talking
to myself by the way. We're a little
combative at times, haha.) and it's just
so scary sometimes when you're first
getting to know someone, really know
someone.

Part of you just wants to run and hide
and say "He doesn't really want to know
the real me," but the stronger part of
you says, "You don't know anything yet
and you ought not to give so much
credence to your fickle emotions. Just
give it time and for once in your life just
SAY NO TO DRAMA!"

Yeah, if only it were that easy.
But maybe it is! ?? Eh, who knows?
Somebody knows, yeah.

So here's a little song about Kansas and
transitioning into Fall
(or is it? haha, of course not)

Written on a cold day in late summer

Kansas you fall with such grace
but at such a maddening pace
Slow yourself down
it's not quite time for that white wedding gown

Remember last year when you and October met?
You dove in head first, letting him rule your world
but then had to just back out

He tried to forgive you but it was too late
The cold had set in

Kansas, let Fall set the pace
But get to know him first, this 'aint no race
Let life be stable and sane just this once
C'mon, give it a try


How do you like all my honesty? Sometimes I think
I'm too out there with my inner monologue on this
thing....but oh well. I might as well be real with
the world, the internet world that is. The rest of
the world will just have to guess at my inner
realities by observing a calm and collected exterior.
Hahaha, we live in such a hidden world! Oh, that
reminds me of Dr. Wetmore! I miss his classes SO
MUCH!!!! Oh dear, oh dear.

I have a new niece!!!!!!!!!!
Brianna Grace Enns. Can't wait to meet this wonderful
new person! Wonder who she is. Someday I'll have a
much better idea. Congratulations brother and family!

Oh, and the history of Special Education is FASCINATING.
That's all I got.

"Out of my bondage, sorrow and night,
Jesus, I come, Jesus I come;
Into Thy freedom, gladness and light,
Jesus I come to Thee.
Out of my sickness into Thy health,
out of my wanting and into Thy wealth,
Out of my sin and into Thyself,
Jesus, I come to Thee."

And this is what matters to me: God.
And this is what everything rests on: Him.
And this is all my hope in times of trial: Jesus' blood.

Everything else is of mild importance.

That being said, it is beautiful and raining outside,
I just had a nice pancake lunch and talking with
Naomi, the tennet below me is playing strange
wind instrument music out of their open window,
and cars are driving down 6th St., tracking
through the wet streets.

I spent last night doing my favorite thing ever: getting
to know another human being better through music. He
played me some songs, I played him some songs, we tried
playing some songs together, and a certain kind of bond
that no one will ever be able to fully understand was made.
It is the bond that is created when people gather together
in whatever way and jump from "normal" means of
communication and experience the mystery of the
expression of soul through music. Whatever else happens
in life, bonds of the spirit type will carry on and complete
their purpose of bringing truth and beauty.

I don't know if I'm going too far to say it, but I think
God does, or at least can, move in spiritual ways through
music and the bond it creates between people to
experience it together. I guess that's why I'm so excited
about Music Therapy.

Classes are going great. Guitar is hard!! I feel like I'll never
be very good at it. It's so foreign to me. So to all you
guitar players out there, "You have my admiration!"

So, about that one guy, well, God is amazing, and I think
we've successfully transitioned to friends, of sorts. These
things are odd, but God is bigger than all of that.

And now I'm talking to this other guy, but that's all too
new to say anything about other than, "friends." cool,
cool stuff.

Bye, friend. Whatever happens, know that you mean a lot
to one kind of funny girl in Kansas. You are always welcome
at my door, though life may keep you from it for too long.
I understand. Life is a necessary evil. ??? What did I just
say? Um, ok I think I'm done now. I am in favor of existence,
yours in particular.

Is Abby back from Mexico yet?

Renee, I love your face.
You have the ability to encourage me
so much because when I talk to you I
really feel accepted and like I'm free to
just say what I really want to say, and I
know you're doing the same. I love you.

Michial, I had a few "I miss Michial" moments
today. I don't even know what triggered them.

I'm back in school! I think I'm going to love
being a student again. I already love my
classes, teachers, riding the bus...everything!
And in three years I will be able to be a music
therapist. That sounds perfect, perfect, wonderful!

Today was an up day.

God is absolutely amazing, and I was really encouraged
by "Hannah's Song" in 1 Samuel this morning.

Praying with Renee on the phone last night was such
a blessing. That is one thing that the guy who just
messed me over left me with. He would initiate that
a lot, and I think that is great. It is so necessary to
remember to include God in every important decision,
every day, and every relationship, and to turn to him
for all strength and PEACE.

The peace is returning.

1 Corinthians 1:8-9

"He will keep you strong to the end, so
that you will be blameless on the day of
our Lord Jesus Christ. God, who has
called you into fellowship with his Son
Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful."

I am glad to know that he will keep me
strong through those times I can't keep
myself strong. Yesterday was definately
one of those kinds of days.

I had a good 3 full days at home last week.
Had some conflictual moments with my
beloved sister, but hey, that's our thing.
I love her, she loves me, we occasionally
fight. We ended on a good note, in fact,
a great note, so it's all good.

Had some good times with mom and dad, Mae,
Mark and Mary, and my old friend Vickie who is
now going to my Dad's house church. Mom even
bought me some "back to school" clothes.

I'll just say I had a break up recently, and it's been
a little rough, but I'm doing well. These things
happen. Thank God I burned this CD from mom
when I was at home by Ken Medema. I listened to
Track 4 from his album "Little Pictures" and it really
helped me in the wake of my emotional storm. Here's
the chorus:

"There's got to be a better way
There's got to be a better dream
Won't somebody please come tell me
Life's not as bad as it may seem
When all my plans have crashed and burned
and there's nothin' more to say
I won't go on unless I know
There can be a better way
There's got to be a better way.."

This guy is really great. I like this CD a lot.
Also, I like Kris Delmhorst ("Songs For a Hurricane")
and Maria Callas (amazing Opera singer).

Oh, and here's that song I was telling you about last time:

Love Is Real

All this walking by faith
Can get me wondering
Is this all just a big mistake
Is there a God behind the thundering
(repeat, or fill in verse later)

God, I know that you're real
Though this statement leaves me confused
What is "knowing" anyway
Some say I can't "know" there's a you
But I have no better word
to explain what's inside of me
And how my soul just has to believe
It's you who gives my life meaning
So I know, I know, I know
that You are God and God is real

All this pain and suffering
Can sometimes make my heart sick
Through the ages the blade does swing
and I wonder, are you playing cruel tricks
And they ask, "Can you really believe
in all this talk of love and beauty?
There is no God or truth, you see?"
I fight these thoughts,
but some days they get to me

God, I know that you're real
You've proven faithful through and through
And for every time I've strayed
You've stayed and made your mercies new
And when overwhelming pain
is all I can feel or see
It's then your glory is explained
When I cry out you reach down to me
So I know, I know, I know
God is love and love is real


Still needs some work perhaps, but there you
have it.

Well, there's a storm brewing outside, so I had
better turn off my computer. And yes, there is
a God behind the thundering. Hope you are well.

Hey, do you mind if I use you for a minute, cute
blog reader? I don't feel like journaling on paper
tonight, so I'm going to process my thoughts
on you. (yes, you are cute. very cute.)

So Monday was wonderful. I actually started
the day right, getting up earlier than I had
to (can you believe it?) and having some much
needed God time at the nearby park. The
whole day seemed to be much affected by
this. I read mostly in John. Jesus is so amazing.

Tuesday, for reasons largely unkonwn, felt
like a disaster. The day with my girl started
great, but by the end of the day she had left
a huge claw mark on my neck and we were
both miserable. She had a massive "meltdown"
as we like to call it, that extended for hours,
and through having to drive her and her
sister into town for her sister's Tae-Kwon-Do
lesson.

And on top of that, I was having these weird
thoughts and feelings of doubt about the very
things I base my existence around. I was
questioning my faith on some level. Was this
just because my day was so rough even though
I started it in the same fashion as the day
before and I was disillusioned? Or was it
because I have been corresponding with
someone about doubts and it was starting to
get to me? Don't know. All I know is I was
thinking about that Chris Rice song that says,
"Why can't every day, can't every day be like
today?" and then after the next verse, "Why
should any day, should any day be like today?"

But then, today, the sun came back! I didn't
particularly start this day right, but God was
gracious (I don't suppose he goes around giving
us good or bad days purely based on how much
time we've spent with Him. That would be works
oriented.) Had two great piano lessons with two
wonderful kids (well, one was about 16), and then
the day with the kiddo was overall awesome. Sure
there were some poopy messes and such, and
the occasional melt-down, but nothing like
yesterday. We got to go swimming, we had fun
with clapping bubbles and twirling toilet paper
(sound strange? well actually it was super fun)
and kicking a ball...and I fell in love all over
again.

I love that girl. Seriously, autistic kids are so
fascinating and cool. They are fun to talk to
because part of the time you just make
silly noises back and forth, slightly changing
them up now and then to keep things interesting.
I sometimes do this with "normal" people, so it's
been fun doing it with her too. (Kim Williams and
I used to do this a lot instead of having "normal"
conversations when we roomed together. It was
AWESOME.)

I want to keep being intentional about praying
and being in the Word. If I don't do this, I will
inevitably slide backwards. But prayer, specific
prayer, is very important. Sometimes I struggle
with this, it seems especially in the last year.
I get so focused on doing and being a responsible
grown-up that I forget the importance of childlike
faith and just asking my Father and not worrying.
I need to remember what's really important: Jesus
and people. I need to pray for the people God
has put in my life and on my heart to pray for.

Hey, guess what? It turns out that if a kid is
having a big fit, sometimes the best thing to do
is nothing at all. Seriously, if you just kind of
ignore them (in a loving manner) for a bit and
then express care it seems to be much more
effective then stressing out or trying to scold
at this point. Just an observation.

Here's a thought: God doesn't want us to be
strong on our own, 'cause then we might
mistake the victories in our life as being from
our own hand. Just read about Gideon and
how God sent thousands of soldiers home
for this very reason before a big battle. So
if you feel weak, you're right where you ought
to be so that God can move in an unmistakable
way. We need God and we need each other too,
especially our Christian brothers and sisters.

Here's a great verse:
"Stop judgimg by mere appearances and make a
right judgment."
--John 7:24

Oh, and

"He who belongs to God hears what God says."
--John 8:47

Or how about

"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat
falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a
single seed. But if it dies, it produces many
seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it,
while the man who hates his life in this world
will keep it for eternal life."
--John 12:24-25

It is a challenging thought that we all come at
these kinds of verses with our own grid of
understanding, and who knows if we are
really understanding these statements in the
way that God intended. However, I believe the
Holy Spirit does aide us in this respect. Thank
God for that. It can still seem kind of messy
sometimes though. People come from all
kinds of upbringings and experiences. I
guess we all need each other to truly
understand God. On our own we'll just get
stuck in our own way of thinking, perhaps.

I was going to post a new song I wrote in the
car today, but I think I'll hold off. It's about
the struggle of walking by faith. Needs work.

If someone named Jamie happens to be reading
this, I just want to say hi and that I hope you are
doing great. :-)

And if someone named Bethany, Kelley, Kim,
Sarah, Jenny, or someone else from TFC, then
"Hi you!"

And everyone else (any family members?), thanks
for sticking this long one out with me. :-)

Know any good cures for one of those
vaguely discontented days?

Read the Bible
Call Renee
Cook something
Drink some tea
Call and leave message on
a boy's phone who I don't
know exactly what he thinks
of me, but I'm ok with that
Listen to "Over the Rhine,"
especially the song "Professional
Daydreamer"

Think I'll go try some of those beginning
ones, as I've already tried the latter.

"Broken down, we're all so broken down
Bandages on our wings
I know I don't have to tell you
Only broken hearts can sing"

Thanks, I feel better just to get some of that
melancholy out onto this screen. There's no
good reason for it, but that's no surprise.

I've started a book that caught my eye in the
Library because a friend of mine once made
me a mix CD with this book's title as it's title.

The book is about four fascinating people:
Dorothy Day, Flannery O'Connor, Walker Percy
and Thomas Merton, who were all Catholic writers
of the past century.

Anyone know the book? I know Kristi already does.
I'm sure someone else (Michial) does too.

Sometimes I randomly miss people from TFC.
A couple days ago it was Jon Oesch and today it
was Jenny Morden and also her dad.

Two more weeks with my girl. Two more weeks
of my year off from school. In three years I will
hopefully be able to practice Music Therapy.
cool.

And maybe I'll be very proficient with this home
recording studio thing. I'm coming along, just
slowly. It's really fun when I actually get around
to it.

Sometimes I really need to sing.

Goodnight. You are so so special, did you know that?

God, I feel I failed to love tonight. Sometimes I just feel
very useless in certain social settings. I just want a
small group of people (yes, Abby, you know me), or to
just be alone rather than be in a big, impersonal group
that is still somehow trying to be personal, but it's not.

I'm cooking A LOT
and loving it.

Seven Grain Porridge (Nourishing
Traditions)

Rye Bread (Laurel's Kitchen - though
I think I prefer the Sourdough and
Natural Yeast kind I have been making
from Nourishing Traditions. More flavor)

Peanut Butter Balls (Laurel's Kitchen plus
some improving of my own)

Bouillabaise (fish, shrimp, scallops, etc.
from a Soup cookbook. This was a
complicated soup, but worth it. Made
with homemade fish stock. I know, I'm
crazy)

Pork and Potatoe Curry (Indian Cooking,
I substituted for Lamb)

Spiced Kidney Beans with Ginger and Yoghurt
(Indian Cooking - a book from Renee by the way!)

I dunno, I just like food.

Had an incredible experience today up on the
hill that overlooks Clinton Lake. First of all, let
me set the stage. It was cloudy, 79 degrees,
perfectly peaceful, with a painfully tender breeze
that was so fragile it could kill you to try and
conquer it.

I was feeling reflective and aware that God has
been teaching me more of what it means to be
content in whatever circumstance (much of this
through awesome discussion at girls Bible study
and thoughts brought on by question of Michial's
when we had dinner the other night). So then
I look over to my right and am startled to notice
that there is a kind of dense white fog keeping me
from even being able to see the far side of the lake.

Then I notice that the "fog" is slowly creeping towards
me.

Then I realize that the "fog" is in fact a huge downpour
of rain headed straight for me and my exposed journal.

Quickly, I pack up my stuff, run to the edge of the hill to
get a closer look at the amazing sight, and then giggle
with excitement, and finally make my flight down the
hill, which quickly turns into an adventure in the rain.
I felt like I was in some Jane Austen book (haven't
actually read any, but you know, I've seen the movies..)
and some guy was going to ride in on a horse to rescue
me before I died of cold. But it's ok, I'm sure he was
busy doing something more important. It really wasn't
that cold anyway. It was plain fun and crazy.

Then I dripped water on the Hy-Vee floor so I could
purchase some corn, almonds, peanut butter, etc.

Just so you know, there is a level of information about
my life that is slightly below this surface that I will
share possibly later. There is a new song, and there
are new thoughts and feelings etc.

In closing: I love conversations, friends, and you.
There is nobody like you.

Why was I laughing out loud while fueling my
car today and then later almost crying by the
side of the road? What a great question.

Well, I had a long day with the kiddo (the
pool was ok, but the day ended with her
getting out of her seat and pulling my hair
in the car and then hitting me in the face
just as her dad was walking over to pick
her up. The one consolation is that I
think it was a desperate attempt to not
have to go home - who knows why - in
favor of having yet another time out...
I dunno, but that's my hunch. It was
bizarre)

So this guy walks up to me while I'm at
the Kwik Shop to say this to me:

guy: "Did you know there's something
hanging off the end of your car?"

me: "Yeah, I know. Thanks."

guy: "It looks like a tail."

Now, I don't know exactly why, maybe
it was a release of all of the tension of
the day, but this last comment, which
is actually quite true, just made me
laugh out loud for several minutes
after he walked away. It's so true!
My car has a tail. I love it.
I really should figure out how to
pull that thing off. Oh, well.

Oh, and the almost crying thing is
becuase turns out after I finish
fueling, my car decides to not let
me shift out of park AT ALL.
Something's busted. AAA, towing,
the whole experience, AND THEN...

when I was walking home from the
mechanic (just up the road from my
apt.), there was this ADORABLE little
birdie just hopping along beside me
and then as it cheerily hopped ever
so innocently onto the street.....

SMASH! A car bulldozes right over
it, smooshing it into the dirty
pavement. I wanted to scream.

What a day, what a day, what a
day, WHAT A DAY!

But now, at the end of it, I know God
can use all things for good. It is good
to have friends to tell such horrendous
things to and then pray with.

How was your day?

Now fear the Lord and serve him with all
faithfulness. Throw away the gods your
forefathers worshiped beyond the River
in Egypt, and serve the Lord.

...throw away the foreign gods that are
among you and yield your hearts to the
Lord, the God of Israel.

(excerpts from Joshua 24)


I'm coming up for air,
in need of fresh perspective
and a youthful inspiration
Up here the air is rare
But rare is my objective
regardless of respiration

The rockies are gorgeous

Sleeping on an uneven, hard dirt
surface, crammed in a little tent
with 3 other girls is hideous.

God however, is breathtaking, amazing

(excerpts from my journal in Colorado)


We hiked 12 miles in the Colorado rockies.
We slept under the stars and by the light
of the brightest moon I have ever seen.

Have you ever seen a real moon rise when
the moon actually casts shadows? It's great,
great, lovely.

Have you ever been thoroughly frustrated at
how differently people are wired than yourself?
It's messy, messy, tiring.

Love really is a choice, isn't it? Lord, help me
to make that choice, whatever that looks like.
Please show me, help me, love through me.

Nothing of great significance to offer
tonight. Just this plain little update.

My life is going fine these days. Some
parts are good, some parts are great,
some have been rough, and some are
so-so. Overall, I'm doing good.

I'm pumped to be heading off to
Colorado for a 6 day hiking trip with
9 others from Grace EPC! I hope I
don't break anything 'cause I have
no insurance. It should be fine, right?
yeah sure.

That's all I got. I know it's not much.
Here's to being poor in spirit but
finding joy in my great Savior.

Inside there is something empty
Inside this heart of mine
I go around, not even aware
trying to fill it all the time

God you see me as I am
and you know my sin is great
But You are much greater, Savior
as I drown in all I hate

So you have to come and save me
See, I cannot save myself
All attempts have left me battered
by the knowledge of Your wealth

Last night the sky was gorgeous
and I felt your love so free
But today the sky is glaring
into the weakest part of me

Still I trust you more than ever
and in turning from my ways
I am free to love you only
and to live within Your gaze

"Jesus I am resting, resting
in the joy of what Thou art
I am finding out the greatness
of Thy loving heart"

Church was so encouraging today. More
acurately, the Holy Spirit was so encouraging
today. And I am glad to have a clearer picture
of my own sinfulness. God, save me. I am
poor in Spirit, and it is a good thing, for it is
only the realization of something that was
always there.

I am all need and helplessness. You are full
of love and Truth. Fill me with You. Draw
us Lord. Draw all of those you have chosen
in Christ both in this country and around the
world. Show us more of who we are in light
of who You are, but only as much as we can
bear. This I ask through Christ, who bought
me with His blood, and who alone has the
power to change me, and to change us all.